chrisftw Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 (edited) this new thread is for advice on the woman in this thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/368395-not-sure-how-proceed-if-i-should-all anyway. after a random day drinking excursion (her idea) i've realized the only way to stack the chips in my favor is going no contact. I've played the game. and i know how its played. this woman isn't over her ex. and i know this because i put her up against my scale of how i judge if a woman is over her EX or not. more than 5 mentions of her ex BY NAME in any degree is a sure fire sign that she's not over her ex. and while her intrest in me is nearly 100% confirmed i feel its time i put space between us. for personal matters i'd rather have the two of them either work it out or whatever it is they do and have the cards lay where they fall. SO how do you go no contact with a woman who literally made it a point to schedule most of her classes with you? i understand the no text/facebook/call thing but i WILL see her constantly. i don't want to be abusive with this no contact i just want to distance myself. so outright ignoring her conversations is out of the question. So how would one do this? also note i'm not bitter. i'm being the adult here. and adults need to look out for their wellbeing. the drinking with exactly how i knew it would go she was close with me. had a lot of kinesthetics happening and she even went to the restroom to "freshen up" and came out with her hair down because i've mentioned numerous times her hair down is sexy. this is me making a power play that will either save me time or bring her closer. either way. I win. Edited January 31, 2013 by chrisftw
todreaminblue Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 this new thread is for advice on the woman in this thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/368395-not-sure-how-proceed-if-i-should-all anyway. after a random day drinking excursion (her idea) i've realized the only way to stack the chips in my favor is going no contact. I've played the game. and i know how its played. this woman isn't over her ex. and i know this because i put her up against my scale of how i judge if a woman is over her EX or not. more than 5 mentions of her ex BY NAME in any degree is a sure fire sign that she's not over her ex. and while her intrest in me is nearly 100% confirmed i feel its time i put space between us. for personal matters i'd rather have the two of them either work it out or whatever it is they do and have the cards lay where they fall. SO how do you go no contact with a woman who literally made it a point to schedule most of her classes with you? i understand the no text/facebook/call thing but i WILL see her constantly. i don't want to be abusive with this no contact i just want to distance myself. so outright ignoring her conversations is out of the question. So how would one do this? Maintain polite interest, and avoid interactions,when they arise, excuse yourself from discussions and speak with other people, never be rude, but be busy, I dont think a sure fire show of five mentions of an ex is a sign she is or isnt over him...i think asking her directly what she feels is a better sign......good luck with the no contact...its going to be hard if you see her all the time..it is possible..with mature thoughts and respect..best wishes...deb
pbjbear Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Sorry to hear that. In this situation, I would only talk to her if you have to and everytime you do, be civil but guarded and dont talk more than you need to. 1
Author chrisftw Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 (edited) Maintain polite interest, and avoid interactions,when they arise, excuse yourself from discussions and speak with other people, never be rude, but be busy, I dont think a sure fire show of five mentions of an ex is a sign she is or isnt over him...i think asking her directly what she feels is a better sign......good luck with the no contact...its going to be hard if you see her all the time..it is possible..with mature thoughts and respect..best wishes...deb yeah but when you say you have a parrot and her says BY NAME so and so has a parrot also. that's a problem. especially if it happens on more than one occasion over time. it would be different if she said "my ex has a parrot". this wasn't 5 times in a row boom boom boom. it was over the course of a week. i know she likes me. its pretty obvious. and i like her also. i want to treat her to what i can give. like opening up her cultural pallet to things she hasn't tried. but NONE OF THAT can happen when her ex blows up her phone, begs her to move in literally states he wishes he got her pregnant so he could have her "forever". and so on and so on. and she entertains him by responding. albiet for every 10 txt he sends she'll respond once. so i should make the "situation" less complicated and remove myself from it that way he can either shoot himself in the foot. or they can reconcile for the 10th time. and FYI i did ask her directly. twice. in her sober state. "i don't talk to him at all" in her drunken and more "real" state it changed to this bombshell about him wanting to get her pregnant and so on. She also busted my balls because i said well your drunk and a little lose may as well call the man and ask him to come over to handel business. and i said it very crass. and she looked me right in the eye and said you know what that doesn't sound like a bad idea. i know she was reacting to me negativity. but that was what sorta sealed the No contact deal in my mind. Edited January 31, 2013 by chrisftw
pbjbear Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 This woman is a game player and isnt worth your time. Give your attention to other places
todreaminblue Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 (edited) yeah but when you say you have a parrot and her says BY NAME so and so has a parrot also. that's a problem. especially if it happens on more than one occasion over time. it would be different if she said "my ex has a parrot". this wasn't 5 times in a row boom boom boom. it was over the course of a week. i know she likes me. its pretty obvious. and i like her also. i want to treat her to what i can give. like opening up her cultural pallet to things she hasn't tried. but NONE OF THAT can happen when her ex blows up her phone, begs her to move in literally states he wishes he got her pregnant so he could have her "forever". and so on and so on. and she entertains him by responding. albiet for every 10 txt he sends she'll respond once. so i should make the "situation" less complicated and remove myself from it that way he can either shoot himself in the foot. or they can reconcile for the 10th time. and FYI i did ask her directly. twice. in her sober state. "i don't talk to him at all" in her drunken and more "real" state it changed to this bombshell about him wanting to get her pregnant and so on. She also busted my balls because i said well your drunk and a little lose may as well call the man and ask him to come over to handel business. and i said it very crass. and she looked me right in the eye and said you know what that doesn't sound like a bad idea. i know she was reacting to me negativity. but that was what sorta sealed the No contact deal in my mind. fyi....eh???? how was i supposed to know you asked her directly , i was trying to help you...you came across as a bit petulant then, and petulance is not an attractive trait in a guy...understandable in a child.....or teen maybe...still annoying...not in a grown man who has mature thoughts.....be relaxed when you speak to her, you can practice on me if you want, because i have probably upset you with my reply,but that is how i gauged your response to me...fyi is what my teens use.... I dont like it.... I think you are going to struggle with the no contact because i sense you really do like this girl and you are a little angry about the whole situation, i understand you would be upset with the thought that some guy is talking about getting her pregnant this being her ex, but you sound invested ...when you post of this.....you havent gone out with this girl have you yet? maybe she is trying to make you jealous ro she does really feel fro this guy doubt it.....the fact remains why is she tellign you about what he says?...i abhorr games sounds like you might be getting some chucked your way by her........I also abhorr petulance, its a very unattractive trait...its actually to me....feminine...like teenage girl feminine...drives me nuts......especially when i feel myself becoming that way..so are games....games are for children....act distant if you can and in reality distance yourself from the game.........deb Edited January 31, 2013 by todreaminblue
veggirl Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Well, in class just avoid her. Sit next to other people, talk to other people. Engage them rather than her. if she talks to you, give her short, polite answers, don't ask any questions back. You can be cordial without being "friendly". 2
MrCastle Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Well, in class just avoid her. Sit next to other people, talk to other people. Engage them rather than her. if she talks to you, give her short, polite answers, don't ask any questions back. You can be cordial without being "friendly". This. I'm currently doing this to a girl in my class. At first I thought "I'll keep it pleasant at least", but my mind won't allow me to be phony. I wish I could put on a fake smile, I can't. I'm pretty much apathetic. She used to walk in and I'd raise my head and smile at her and she'd sit next to me. Now she walks in and I keep my head down. When people ask a question, the rest of the class tends to look at the person asking (we sit at a large rectangular table with all of us facing each other). When she asks a question or makes a joke I don't look at her or laugh or anything. It's kind of awkward but she crossed the line and when you cross the line with me, you're done.
pbjbear Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 MrCastle you and I are more similar than you think... Im a no bull****/fakeness kind of person too. I cant put on a fake smile either, but I at least try to be cordial 1
MrCastle Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 MrCastle you and I are more similar than you think... I can believe it. I'm not the evil guy you think I am But yeah, good to agree on something.
SJC2008 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 MrCastle you and I are more similar than you think... Im a no bull****/fakeness kind of person too. I cant put on a fake smile either, but I at least try to be cordial I'm the same way as the both of you. The term for that is that we "wear our heart on our sleeve".
MrCastle Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I'm the same way as the both of you. The term for that is that we "wear our heart on our sleeve". Absolutely. I'm a scorpio. It's just my process. I'm very black and white. If you're not with me, by definition, you're against me. In recent years though, I have turned anger and rage for other people into apathy, which I think is healthier and safer. For both of us.
lakerman34 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I saw my ex everyday shortly after we broke up. I always told myself I'd be as civil as possible, smile, say 'hey how's it going?' and move on. I couldn't even do that. For me, it was best just to treat her COMPLETELY like a stranger. Don't even look at her, and try to avoid her at all costs. Don't make it too obvious though, because others around you may think you're a dick (unless, of course, they know the situation. I like to think most people are understanding). 1
Author chrisftw Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 fyi....eh???? how was i supposed to know you asked her directly , i was trying to help you...you came across as a bit petulant then, and petulance is not an attractive trait in a guy...understandable in a child.....or teen maybe...still annoying...not in a grown man who has mature thoughts.....be relaxed when you speak to her, you can practice on me if you want, because i have probably upset you with my reply,but that is how i gauged your response to me...fyi is what my teens use.... I dont like it.... I think you are going to struggle with the no contact because i sense you really do like this girl and you are a little angry about the whole situation, i understand you would be upset with the thought that some guy is talking about getting her pregnant this being her ex, but you sound invested ...when you post of this.....you havent gone out with this girl have you yet? maybe she is trying to make you jealous ro she does really feel fro this guy doubt it.....the fact remains why is she tellign you about what he says?...i abhorr games sounds like you might be getting some chucked your way by her........I also abhorr petulance, its a very unattractive trait...its actually to me....feminine...like teenage girl feminine...drives me nuts......especially when i feel myself becoming that way..so are games....games are for children....act distant if you can and in reality distance yourself from the game.........deb I didn't say FYI out of disrespect. i was just adding more information on to my post using the term. but yeah you're right it will be difficult because i am sorta invested in this one. I do like her and for all intents and purposes i'm pretty sure she likes me to. we enjoy each other's company and its pretty obvious to those around us including the teachers. she can ber herself and i think she likes that aspect. I mean she even remembers when she first saw me 6 semesters ago. she's was smiling saying i remember when i first saw you. you were like 10 minutes late to class. i was pretty impressed by her memory. and i said told her i remember that moment also when i saw you sitting across from me practically wearing nothing. lol and she of course busted my balls on that saying and you were struck with how hot i was. And i'm not sure why she told me what he said or is saying. but she said it in a more dismissive 'what the hell' kinda way. honestly this guy for what he's saying is shooting himself in the foot. and those aren't the only things he's said he's been very agressive with his trying to get her back. overly so admitting things no regular person would do. not really sure how she holds intrest in him at all. but maybe her intrest level was extremely high at the time of the break up. me spacing myself from her will work to my advantage i'm almost 100% sure. and if she is disturbed by it and i know she will be. i will let her know straight up why. she's young though and that's why she plays the game. she enjoys being chased who wouldn't. but i also know she gives as much as she likes to receive as well which is nice because while you play a game with her at least its a game that will end at some point.
pbjbear Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I can believe it. I'm not the evil guy you think I am But yeah, good to agree on something. I dont think youre evil. You are not at all the kind of person Id date but most of my guy friends fit into that too. I say exactly what I think alot so I get I offend people esp considering they cant go off of my voice, facial expressions and body language.
Author chrisftw Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 You seem kinda paranoid and petty to be honest....just let this woman go and your anger too... how am i either of these things? paranoid means that i'm looking into things that don't exists and creating images in my mind about what's happening even if its not. i don't do that. and how am i at all petty? i'm being a straight shooter here. she has unresolved emotions about her ex. so i want to give her space to resolve them. i think the dynamic of our relationship is being confused on this forum. She and I are very sarcastic and dry with our humor. if i tell her to go to hell. she'll say screw you. you go to hell. and we have a laugh. this woman has done nothing bad to me. I'm not angry. why would i "let her go" i'm just giving her space with a little no contact and wanted to know how to go about it in a polite manner.
Mrlonelyone Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 The thing about freezing someone out and giving them the silent treatment is that even that says something. Thus it's not a form of no-contact. Reading and reflecting on Caliguy's no contact guide made me realize that. If they are within line of sight or earshot then there is a form of contact. Even if you don't actually say anything. It communicates a hostility. The point of no contact is to totally let go of it all and move on. That means letting go of the good feelings and bad feelings, the hope and the heartbreak, the dreams and the realities. The only way to go NC is to not have contact at all. I would recommend that you just refuse to play the game this woman is playing but don't go NC. Don't do the silent treatment. Say hello how are you and good morning and nothing else that isn't required by the job/class. 2
Author chrisftw Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 The thing about freezing someone out and giving them the silent treatment is that even that says something. Thus it's not a form of no-contact. Reading and reflecting on Caliguy's no contact guide made me realize that. If they are within line of sight or earshot then there is a form of contact. Even if you don't actually say anything. It communicates a hostility. The point of no contact is to totally let go of it all and move on. That means letting go of the good feelings and bad feelings, the hope and the heartbreak, the dreams and the realities. The only way to go NC is to not have contact at all. I would recommend that you just refuse to play the game this woman is playing but don't go NC. Don't do the silent treatment. Say hello how are you and good morning and nothing else that isn't required by the job/class. I had figured that was the par for the course from the discussion here. i'll just keep conversation straight forward and class oriented.
MrCastle Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I dont think youre evil. You are not at all the kind of person Id date[/Quote] Friend zoning me already? I guess we'll have to disagree on this. I am quite a catch but most of my guy friends fit into that too. I say exactly what I think alot so I get I offend people esp considering they cant go off of my voice, facial expressions and body language. I totally get that. I'm the same way.
MrCastle Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 The thing about freezing someone out and giving them the silent treatment is that even that says something. Thus it's not a form of no-contact. Reading and reflecting on Caliguy's no contact guide made me realize that. If they are within line of sight or earshot then there is a form of contact. Even if you don't actually say anything. It communicates a hostility. The point of no contact is to totally let go of it all and move on. That means letting go of the good feelings and bad feelings, the hope and the heartbreak, the dreams and the realities. The only way to go NC is to not have contact at all. I would recommend that you just refuse to play the game this woman is playing but don't go NC. Don't do the silent treatment. Say hello how are you and good morning and nothing else that isn't required by the job/class. I don't know. Interactions like that leave the door open for hope. After a few weeks of "hellos" and "how are you's", you might think "well, maybe I can ask her how her weekend was", or "let me send her a text later on today asking what's up". I've been through this dance. There are some people who get high off attention. They tease you and dangle that string in front of you and when you fall for it, like clockwork, they pull the string away and disappoint you/let you down in some form or another. If OP really wants to get over this chick, you can't leave the door open like that. He has to be fully committed to moving on. I see this girl in class every week, I'm not even the slightest bit tempted to try and say hello. I used to lay in bed thinking of the possibilities for us. Now I don't even make eye contact with her. It's possible to move on if you want to move on.
Author chrisftw Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 I don't know. Interactions like that leave the door open for hope. After a few weeks of "hellos" and "how are you's", you might think "well, maybe I can ask her how her weekend was", or "let me send her a text later on today asking what's up". I've been through this dance. There are some people who get high off attention. They tease you and dangle that string in front of you and when you fall for it, like clockwork, they pull the string away and disappoint you/let you down in some form or another. If OP really wants to get over this chick, you can't leave the door open like that. He has to be fully committed to moving on. I see this girl in class every week, I'm not even the slightest bit tempted to try and say hello. I used to lay in bed thinking of the possibilities for us. Now I don't even make eye contact with her. It's possible to move on if you want to move on. its extremely difficult to do that though in our classes. our degree (we both have the same degree) is art based. so the class size is only about 15 people large. one class only has 10 people it would be extremely obvious to everybody in the room if i come in and sit on the other side of the room. also i'd have to be late as well to class in order for that to even work because as soon as she sees me she smiles and sits next to me. hell even the teachers now ask me when she's absent from class where is she. that's how small the class is and how much our interactions are noticed/perceived.
MrCastle Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 its extremely difficult to do that though in our classes. our degree (we both have the same degree) is art based. so the class size is only about 15 people large. it would be extremely obvious to everybody in the room if i come in and sit on the other side of the room. also i'd have to be late as well to class in order for that to even work because as soon as she sees me she smiles and sits next to me. hell even the teachers now ask me when she's absent from class where is she. that's how small the class is and how much our interactions are noticed/perceived. My class has 13. Me and her used to dominate the class with our banter. Now there is zero banter. The tension is no doubt obvious, but so what? I couldn't care less what people think. I'm there to get my education. And give my time to people worthy of that time. She is not worthy of my time, so I'm not giving it to her. Yeah it sucks I have to see her every week but such is life. I'm not slashing her tires and starting fights, I'm just ignoring her. Giving her the cold shoulder. It's not a big deal. She put two and two together. She has not tried to reach out to me. She knows she messed up, or that somewhere down the line, our situation went sour, it is what it is.
Author chrisftw Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 My class has 13. Me and her used to dominate the class with our banter. Now there is zero banter. The tension is no doubt obvious, but so what? I couldn't care less what people think. I'm there to get my education. And give my time to people worthy of that time. She is not worthy of my time, so I'm not giving it to her. Yeah it sucks I have to see her every week but such is life. I'm not slashing her tires and starting fights, I'm just ignoring her. Giving her the cold shoulder. It's not a big deal. She put two and two together. She has not tried to reach out to me. She knows she messed up, or that somewhere down the line, our situation went sour, it is what it is. but i don't have any ill will towards her. she hasn't wronged me in that kind of way. i mean we haven't even gone out on a date I've been wondering her interest level in me and i'm pretty convinced she likes me. and is open to doing something. but rather the fact that her ex is still riding shotty in her mind is what gets me. so for my own sake she should either get back with him which is totally fine if she did. and believe me she holds the power on that one. he's been begging her to move in for weeks now. or kick him to the curb. i know they have history and she admits she really did like him for a long while they dated for a year and a half. but the man he was then and is now are night and day to her. i want to give her the time to make one of those choices and by time i mean less of me involved with her. but i don't want to be cold to her.
todreaminblue Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I didn't say FYI out of disrespect. i was just adding more information on to my post using the term. but yeah you're right it will be difficult because i am sorta invested in this one. I do like her and for all intents and purposes i'm pretty sure she likes me to. we enjoy each other's company and its pretty obvious to those around us including the teachers. she can ber herself and i think she likes that aspect. I mean she even remembers when she first saw me 6 semesters ago. she's was smiling saying i remember when i first saw you. you were like 10 minutes late to class. i was pretty impressed by her memory. and i said told her i remember that moment also when i saw you sitting across from me practically wearing nothing. lol and she of course busted my balls on that saying and you were struck with how hot i was. And i'm not sure why she told me what he said or is saying. but she said it in a more dismissive 'what the hell' kinda way. honestly this guy for what he's saying is shooting himself in the foot. and those aren't the only things he's said he's been very agressive with his trying to get her back. overly so admitting things no regular person would do. not really sure how she holds intrest in him at all. but maybe her intrest level was extremely high at the time of the break up. me spacing myself from her will work to my advantage i'm almost 100% sure. and if she is disturbed by it and i know she will be. i will let her know straight up why. she's young though and that's why she plays the game. she enjoys being chased who wouldn't. but i also know she gives as much as she likes to receive as well which is nice because while you play a game with her at least its a game that will end at some point. I think her volunteering information about her ex to you directly isnt because she is interested in him, but interested in you, that's my honest opinion,I think that you distancing yourself will make her question you and you are right it is a perfect time to be upfront, i really hope it works out for you....good luck....deb
Author chrisftw Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 I think her volunteering information about her ex to you directly isnt because she is interested in him, but interested in you, that's my honest opinion,I think that you distancing yourself will make her question you and you are right it is a perfect time to be upfront, i really hope it works out for you....good luck....deb You've approached i think both of my threads about this woman with a level head. and it was your advice that moved me in the right direction to get her to this point. so i want to ask you now. how is giving me information about what he's saying/doing a reflection on how she has an interest in me?
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