Husband has changed but I can't move past the cheating and abuse

[ConfusedandUnhappy]

I have been married almost 20 years. Most of that time my husband was emotionally abusive. I was too weak to ever leave him and I regret that. We ended up having 3 children together and I never felt like I would get away from him. I used to wish he would leave me. He was the type of guy that would have made me regret leaving him so I stayed. Things just got worse and a couple years ago I found out he had a one night stand. I was shocked and hurt but we started counseling and stayed together. Then after several months I found out he was cheating again with 2 different women and I lost it. I took the kids and moved out for a week. The kids wanted to go back home and we agreed to a in home separation which was dumb and didn't last long. But after I moved out he realized I was ready for divorce and he started individual counseling. He has been going every week for the last couple years and he has changed so much. The abuse has stopped and he does anything I ask of him but now I still feel really angry and not in love the way I think a wife should feel. I am torn about what to do. He is not the same man anymore but I think too much has happened for me to fall in love again. I just hate to break up a family if maybe I just need more time or couples counseling.

[2sunny]

I have been married almost 20 years. Most of that time my husband was emotionally abusive. I was too weak to ever leave him and I regret that. We ended up having 3 children together and I never felt like I would get away from him. I used to wish he would leave me. He was the type of guy that would have made me regret leaving him so I stayed. Things just got worse and a couple years ago I found out he had a one night stand. I was shocked and hurt but we started counseling and stayed together. Then after several months I found out he was cheating again with 2 different women and I lost it. I took the kids and moved out for a week. The kids wanted to go back home and we agreed to a in home separation which was dumb and didn't last long. But after I moved out he realized I was ready for divorce and he started individual counseling. He has been going every week for the last couple years and he has changed so much. The abuse has stopped and he does anything I ask of him but now I still feel really angry and not in love the way I think a wife should feel. I am torn about what to do. He is not the same man anymore but I think too much has happened for me to fall in love again. I just hate to break up a family if maybe I just need more time or couples counseling.

 

First do individual counseling to help you stand firm on a solid, healthy boundary and determine what that looks like for you.

 

Then get to marriage counseling together to see if you two can get connected.

[TigerCub]

Hi Confused

 

I'm so sorry about all that you've been through.

 

I think it's very understandable that after all these years of abuse that you resent him and are deeply hurt by him, so I can understand where you're coming from.

 

Also, maybe now that he's so much better and he has changed, there is a part of you that's even more angry because you now see what he SHOULD have been like all those years.

 

I'm a fan of clearing the confusing cobwebs and getting an objective view through counseling, so I would suggest that you actually do some Individual counseling to address all those issues that come with such prolonged abuse.

 

If after that you feel that you'd be open to reconnecting with your husband, then marriage counseling would be an option.

 

As 2Sunny wisely advised before me...

 

Above all, please don't shame yourself over how you feel now. He may have changed, but your feelings are justified and deserve to be looked at.

 

Good luck

[Spark1111]

Sometimes, It IS TOO LIITLE TOO LATE.

 

He might be a better man today, but that can't erase 20 years of verbal abuse and three affairs just like that.

 

It IS possible you have fallen out of love with him as the bad may have outweighed the good for too long.

 

I think you should seek counseling to determine if you love him enough to stay or not.

 

I also think you two need to examine the abuse and affairs as a couple. sometimes people, when they search their hearts CAN't FIND forgiveness, no matter how much the other person changes their behavior.

 

that's okay too, if that is how you feel.

[BetrayedH]

I liked 2Sunny's post. I'm not one to throw in the towel on a marriage lightly, particularly since he has changed for the better. Individual counseling and marriage counseling are solid paths to help restore your marriage. If you continue to see his consistent actions over time, you may eventually stop letting his prior actions define him or your marriage.

 

That said, I also understand Spark's position and it was the first thing I was tempted to say. It takes a long time to regain your footing after discovering infidelity. We do a mad scramble to put back together the pieces and salvage the family. When we finally feel safe, then we really process what has happened to us. And for some, it takes a while to realize thay infidelity may really be a dealbreaker for them. The fact that it was combined with long term emotional abuse doesn't help. There's no shame in saying that ultimately these things are just too much to get past. It's going to be a very difficult decision for you and one that's very personal. No one can make it for you.

 

One book I might recommend is, "How Can I Forgive You?" It seems very appropriate to your situation and I think will help a lot in determining how you decide to move forward.

[Nyla]

I think IC is a great idea......first you should concentrate on just you. Figure out why you stayed with a man who abused you for so long. Also, is it possible that you have a lot of anger toward not just him, but yourself for staying so long?

 

Be proud of yourself for saying enough is enough.

 

 

This.

 

I have a lot of anger at myself for allowing two abusive exes to treat me like garbage.

 

Even though I am happily married now, I want to wring both my 20 and 24 year old selves necks. What a sad and stupid little girl I was! I hated myself back then.

 

I have not yet forgiven my now wonderful husband for things he did to me while we were dating and around our wedding.

 

Your heart is trying to protect itself from being hurt again.