ImpulseFive Posted August 26, 2004 Posted August 26, 2004 Ok this is a long one so please bear with me. I wouldn't make it so verbose except that I feel if I leave parts out I'll cast my story in the wrong light. For nearly all of the last three years, I'd had a slight crush on a female friend that I met when I went to college in Ft. Lauderdale, FL. I never told her or gave her any indication that I was interested. She got involved in a relationship with ann a**h*** of a guy who, by her own admission, had her head really messed up. Let it be noted that he was a mutual friend for most of the time I've known this girl. The girl and I would hang out every day when I lived down in Lauderdale with some friends of mine. When things started going really sour between her and her boy, she came to me for solace. This was after a year of us hanging out every single day. After all that time, my crush had grown into full-blown love. I told her what I thought of the situation and tried to help her work through it. I told her they probably needed a break and that she should really try talking to him. She asked me why I was so good to her and I told her that it was because I cared a lot about her. I told her that I cared about her a lot more than a friend really should. After that, she began acting completely differently towards me. She's always been an affectionate girl as long as I've known her, but she started holding my hand and wanting to be really close to me all the time. She confessed that she'd had feelings for me for quite a while and wished that I had said something a lot sooner to save her the trouble of dating the other guy for so long. After a messy break-up she came and stayed with me for a week at my apartment. I currently live about an hour north of Lauderdale, so I had to go get her and bring her to me. Afterwards I took her back to Lauderdale because the new semester was beginning at her college. For the next couple of weeks, 3 nights out of the week we would talk for hours on the phone. The other 4 I would be down there staying at her place with her. One time when I was down there the ex-boyfriend sat me down and filled my head with a bunch of half-truths and quotes taken out of context. After her and I talked it over, I found myself trusting her less and asking her questions several times because I was unsure whether or not she was telling the truth. I got very clingy and suspicious when she would go hang out with our friends. In my mind, she began to act even stranger. The next time I came home, she was at our friends' place for the whole time and we barely talked on the phone an hour the entire time I was gone. Now, I have to point out that every time we talked I would ask her crazy questions and upset the both of us because I was doubting her so badly. Two weeks ago, my best friend, who had been observing all of this, talked to me. I realized that I was going insane from what the ex had told me and that I really did trust her. I really did love her with all of my heart and didn't think that she would ever do anything to hurt me. Since then, things have slowly been getting better. The only problem I really have is that she shows me a lot less attention and affection than she did prior to my breakdown. Yet she still says she loves me always and I believe her wholly. I know that my insecurities and fears pushed her away from me temporarily, but she assures me that all is forgiven. She's told me that her mom yelled at her for the cell phone bill and that's partly why we don't talk so much while I'm gone. All the pieces are falling into place except for one thing. It still kind of bothers me that when I'm gone she's at our friends' place 24/7. She sleeps there with my best friend of 10 years. It's innocent and I know it. Neither of them view the other in a romantic light at all and neither would ever want to hurt me. What bothers me is that she spends so much time over there and doesn't seem to be making much of an effort to communicate with me. She's socializng and having fun and I don't want her to leave on my account. It's just that sometimes I wish she would stay home of her own accord so we could talk without 4 people hearing her side of the conversation. Even when I'm down there going over to their place is the default thing to do. Her roommate has to wake up early each day and we're both night owls. All of my friends are down there so after work each night, the only thing I really have to look forward to is talking to my love. Am I being neurotic or selfish, or is she still being distant as an after effect of my craziness? I don't know what to make of it except that it irks me. I really just want to talk to her like we used to. When I asked her why she doesn't compliment me anymore, she said it was because it's hard to do when I'm being so down on myself. Can someone give me some tips on how I can deal with her not being as affectionate as she used to be? Oh, and when I say used to be, I mean about two weeks ago. Also, we've been dating for about 2 months now and my best friend says I'm taking things too seriously. When a girl that you've known and been close with for over a year says she wants to marry you someday, it tends to make you think things are serious. When the girl that you've loved secretly and has secretly loved you back says she wants to have children with you one day and wants to grow old with you, it tends to make you think things are serious.... I dunno. Can anyone make sense of this whole rambling mess? I can clarify if some parts aren't informative enough.
uriel Posted August 26, 2004 Posted August 26, 2004 You're going a little crazy and that's understandably caused her to back off some. No one wants to be suffocated, even if the pillow is love-filled. You realize you shouldn't have talked to her ex about her, right? Not exactly an unbiased source. Plus, it was a violation of her boundaries -- you had no right to do that and should apologize. You were fishing, I'm guessing, to see if there was anything still between them. Fact is, you doubt her because he left him for you. So you wonder if she'll do the same to you eventually. That's a very common emotional response to starting to see someone when they're not quite free -- no matter how bad the other relationship was. This insecurity of yours is compounded not only by the intensity of your own feelings, but also the distance / separation you're undergoing. If you want this to work, though, you are going to have to find some way to calm down and trust her. You're going to need to develop a life of your own that's satisfying during those times when you can't be together. You're going to have to let her have the life of a young college girl when she's at school. What your message reveals is that you don't want her partying, don't want her hanging out with guys (even guys you say you trust), don't want her focus to be anything but you and your relationship. You say you're cool with all of that, but I don't think you are. You can arrange a phone date or two when it's just the two of you talking -- that shouldn't be a problem, and it's not the issue, either. The issue is you're not there to watch what she's doing, which is all the more tormenting since you want to be with her (physically, emotionally) so much. Your friend is right. You need to back off and let this thing grow. Yes, you both have strong feelings for each other. But they will only become serious, committed feelings -- the kind that CAN last -- if they continue to develop, you keep getting to know one another, and you let one another be who you each are. Support her growth -- don't just focus on having and holding her. You will drive her away if you don't. -- uriel
Author ImpulseFive Posted August 26, 2004 Author Posted August 26, 2004 First off, let me thank you for your input. It's very insightful stuff Originally posted by uriel You realize you shouldn't have talked to her ex about her, right? Not exactly an unbiased source. Plus, it was a violation of her boundaries -- you had no right to do that and should apologize. You were fishing, I'm guessing, to see if there was anything still between them. Fact is, you doubt her because he left him for you. So you wonder if she'll do the same to you eventually. That's a very common emotional response to starting to see someone when they're not quite free -- no matter how bad the other relationship was. This insecurity of yours is compounded not only by the intensity of your own feelings, but also the distance / separation you're undergoing. Well, here's the deal with the conversation we had. We kind of ran into each other and he asked me if he could talk to me. He then proceeded to tell me a whole lot of things "I should know" about her. I told myself not to listen to him, but I guess I did more than I would've admitted at the time. (edit) To be a bit more specific, he told me the truth about something that she had lied to me about it. Yet, he left out the end bit, the part that reveals him as a louse. So, I can see where my mistrust stems from, but I know I shouldn't have let it consume me like it did. Even as she cried that night and I sat with her, I felt only love for her. It baffles me that I would think anything less of her after all this time.(/edit) The issue is you're not there to watch what she's doing, which is all the more tormenting since you want to be with her (physically, emotionally) so much. It's definitely a problem I have to work on. As much as I don't want her to sit around waiting for the phone to ring, part of me wishes she would at least one or two nights. Asking that feels like I'm asking her to be bored for my sake, though. I really want to make this work and I'm trying desperately to get used to only seeing her for a portion of the week. Your friend is right. You need to back off and let this thing grow. Yes, you both have strong feelings for each other. But they will only become serious, committed feelings -- the kind that CAN last -- if they continue to develop, you keep getting to know one another, and you let one another be who you each are. Support her growth -- don't just focus on having and holding her. You will drive her away if you don't. -- uriel I feel like I should kick myself. I've been trying so hard to focus on this new step in our relationship that I've lost sight of the long term. I've been shrugging off her reassurances because I wanted so badly for it to be serious and us to be inseperable right away. I've not given her the time to fully sink into the idea of us dating after all this time of wanting it. Heh, it must seem pretty crazy from her end. We reveal how we feel to each other and after a week or two of bliss I morph into a completely different person because of my doubt. Then I get even more frightened when it starts to change her..... Yeah. I really do need to just let things cool off for a little while and let the both of us get fully accustomed to being together. I've been way too ambitious for our own good. Thanks again. I read your reply three times before I replied. Made perfect sense to me every time.
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