Ever Compromise On A Deal Breaker?

[MrCastle]

I was in class today and the topic of weed smoking came up. Most people (mostly women) chimed in about how they do it and they don't see it as a big deal or whatever.

 

Seems most people these days feel that way. I realize I am certainly in the minority in my age group when it comes to drug use of any kind.

 

Ironically, I think marijuana should be legal and it's stupid that it's not, but it's just not something I'm into personally at all. I've mentioned on here several times my stance on drug use. Zero tolerance for it.

 

However, I see this as a problem going forward. The more we go on, the more things become accepted/mainstream/the norm. I cannot date someone long term if they smoke. That's one of my deal breakers. I (begrudgingly) date women short term who do it. Out of sight, out of mind sort of thing. But with the majority of women being at least casual smokers, not full blown pot heads, but occasional smokers, I fear I would have to change my stance when it comes time to settle down. Something that, knowing myself, I cannot do.

 

Have any of you been forced to change your stance on certain issues because of the changing of the times or have you always stuck to your guns?

[monicaelise]

I've definitely changed my stance on a number of things over the years. It really depends on what your goals are and what you want for yourself at whatever point you are in your life. My belief is that unless I can find a solid reason to maintain my current position, it's up for discussion, if not outright forfeiture. By solid reason, I mean something more substantive than I just "don't like it".

 

In your case, I would ask myself why pot smoking is a deal breaker? What about it makes it a deal breaker? If your reasons are hypocritical (for example, you drink), it may be time to reconsider.

[pbjbear]

In an ideal world, Id wait until a guy committed to me before going all the way with him.

 

Where I live, men who are cool with that dont exist.

 

I wait until Im ready but not until they commit otherwise Id never date anyone longer than a month or so...so Ive compromised a bit

[MrCastle]

In your case, I would ask myself why pot smoking is a deal breaker? What about it makes it a deal breaker? If your reasons are hypocritical (for example, you drink), it may be time to reconsider.

 

I don't think it's hypocritical if you drink. If you're getting seriously drunk then maybe, but if you drink socially, that's different. If you're out on a date and you order a wine or another alcoholic drink, it's not going to alter your judgement or impair you. People smoke to get high. They don't take one hit and say "alright, I'm good".

[monicaelise]

I don't think it's hypocritical if you drink. If you're getting seriously drunk then maybe, but if you drink socially, that's different. If you're out on a date and you order a wine or another alcoholic drink, it's not going to alter your judgement or impair you. People smoke to get high. They don't take one hit and say "alright, I'm good".

 

I'm not accusing you of hypocrisy, it was a question. I don't have any strong feelings one way or another about pot smoking. I don't do it, but it's not a deal breaker for me if someone does. That said, I think you're mistaken about how and why people use. Many people use cannabis in precisely the same way people drink, just to relax.

 

Anyway, the point was that, whatever your deal breaker is, you should be open to reconsidering it. It doesn't mean you have to change your mind, or that you're wrong, just that you might benefit by keeping an open mind on some issues.

[MrCastle]

I'm not accusing you of hypocrisy, it was a question. I don't have any strong feelings one way or another about pot smoking. I don't do it, but it's not a deal breaker for me if someone does. That said, I think you're mistaken about how and why people use. Many people use cannabis in precisely the same way people drink, just to relax.

 

Anyway, the point was that, whatever your deal breaker is, you should be open to reconsidering it. It doesn't mean you have to change your mind, or that you're wrong, just that you might benefit by keeping an open mind on some issues.

 

No I'm not saying you're addressing me specifically, I'm just speaking in general terms. Yes, people smoke for all sorts of reasons, but they're doing it to get an effect of some sort. Or else they'd smoke a cig. Again, if I had one drink at a restaurant, I'm not doing it to get a buzz of some sort. I may very well just like the taste of wine. No one smokes weed, gets no buzz and says "I didn't feel anything, this stuff is awesome".

[Balzac]

That's a fact.

[Casablanca]

I sort of have...I use to say no smokers, but if some one only smoked when they were drinking with friends a couple times a month, I could overlook that, I'd still encourage them to stop, but not nearly the deal breaker it was

 

Once I hit about 30, I'll probably start to cave some on not dating single mothers if I'm still in the dating game at that point

[Ruby Slippers]

I've definitely changed my stance on a number of things over the years. It really depends on what your goals are and what you want for yourself at whatever point you are in your life.

I agree.

 

I think as you get older, you realize that a lot fewer things are deal-breakers than you thought when you were young and knew everything.

 

And for the record, I smoke weed once a week on average, but I would have given it up entirely or drastically reduced my usage if my last boyfriend and I had stayed together. I liked him so much that it would have been no contest. I see weed smoking as a habit on par with having a cocktail once a week. I could easily give up any habit like that if it seriously infringed on my relationship in some way.

[fortyninethousand322]

Ideally, I'd never cave on a real dealbreaker (as opposed to a petty one). But, I suspect that when push comes to shove one day I'll have to cave on all or most of my deal breakers...

[Casablanca]

Ideally, I'd never cave on a real dealbreaker (as opposed to a petty one). But, I suspect that when push comes to shove one day I'll have to cave on all or most of my deal breakers...

Well the "deal breakers" some have compromised on turned out not to be real ones, so things change as does our perspectives

[monicaelise]

No I'm not saying you're addressing me specifically, I'm just speaking in general terms. Yes, people smoke for all sorts of reasons, but they're doing it to get an effect of some sort. Or else they'd smoke a cig. Again, if I had one drink at a restaurant, I'm not doing it to get a buzz of some sort. I may very well just like the taste of wine. No one smokes weed, gets no buzz and says "I didn't feel anything, this stuff is awesome".

 

So, is your question about deal breakers in general or whether you're justified in feeling that pot smoking is one? I think I'm a little confused about the point of the original post.

 

My only reason for replying was that I do think that priorities change, and that they well should, over the course of a life time. With those changes, how you see what actually matters in your interpersonal relationships will change. When I was a young woman, I had certain things that I wanted and other things that I didn't, in a partner and in life. As an older woman, many of those things no longer matter, while others have begun to matter more.

[sweetjasmine]

Ironically, I think marijuana should be legal and it's stupid that it's not, but it's just not something I'm into personally at all. I've mentioned on here several times my stance on drug use. Zero tolerance for it.

 

Same here. It hasn't really been a problem, honestly, even though a lot of our peers smoke or use other drugs. I made an exception for one person once, and although it didn't work out for other reasons, I never liked the whole smoking thing. It was off-putting even when I made an effort to shrug it off. I found it kind of gross.

 

Have any of you been forced to change your stance on certain issues because of the changing of the times or have you always stuck to your guns?

 

Aside from what I mentioned above, the only dealbreaker I can think of that I changed on was possession of firearms. I used to be very put-off by people who kept any kind of firearm at home, but I put that aside for my H. It doesn't bother me anymore, though we have talked about him getting rid of his rifles or storing them securely in some other place (ie, not in the house) when we have kids. The thought of having firearms in a house with kids still scares the living sh-t out of me.

 

You shouldn't feel like you absolutely have to change your stance on things, but you might find yourself becoming more flexible on some things (...and more rigid on others).

[MrCastle]

I agree.

 

I think as you get older, you realize that a lot fewer things are deal-breakers than you thought when you were young and knew everything.

 

And for the record, I smoke weed once a week on average, but I would have given it up entirely or drastically reduced my usage if my last boyfriend and I had stayed together. I liked him so much that it would have been no contest. I see weed smoking as a habit on par with having a cocktail once a week. I could easily give up any habit like that if it seriously infringed on my relationship in some way.

 

That's interesting. I've never been in the business of changing for people or making people change. I don't see the potential in people, you either have the whole package when we meet, or I'm done. I don't say "hmm, she smokes but I can work around that," I say "she smokes? next."

 

I do wonder though, if a girl had everything I ever wanted in another human being, except she smoke weed, what would I do? Next her? Accept her? Or get her to change? Luckily I don't have to make a tough decision like that right now.

[fortyninethousand322]

Well the "deal breakers" some have compromised on turned out not to be real ones, so things change as does our perspectives

 

I'm thinking more of a "beggars can't be choosers" kind of way. Not a "I'm having an Obama-like evolving conversation with myself" kind of way.

 

There are some things that I'd really like to stick to my guns on, but I value having a woman in my life more than those things. Even if it means stifling some aspects of myself.

[MrCastle]

So, is your question about deal breakers in general or whether you're justified in feeling that pot smoking is one? I think I'm a little confused about the point of the original post.

 

My only reason for replying was that I do think that priorities change, and that they well should, over the course of a life time. With those changes, how you see what actually matters in your interpersonal relationships will change. When I was a young woman, I had certain things that I wanted and other things that I didn't, in a partner and in life. As an older woman, many of those things no longer matter, while others have begun to matter more.

 

Well the overall topic of the thread is has/would anyone compromise on deal breakers and under what conditions? I just used my personal deal breaker of weed smoking as an example. Especially since my stance is a minority voice in my generation, meaning if I keep this as a deal breaker, it makes my dating life harder.

[StanMusial]

I was in class today and the topic of weed smoking came up. Most people (mostly women) chimed in about how they do it and they don't see it as a big deal or whatever.

 

Seems most people these days feel that way. I realize I am certainly in the minority in my age group when it comes to drug use of any kind.

 

Ironically, I think marijuana should be legal and it's stupid that it's not, but it's just not something I'm into personally at all. I've mentioned on here several times my stance on drug use. Zero tolerance for it.

 

However, I see this as a problem going forward. The more we go on, the more things become accepted/mainstream/the norm. I cannot date someone long term if they smoke. That's one of my deal breakers. I (begrudgingly) date women short term who do it. Out of sight, out of mind sort of thing. But with the majority of women being at least casual smokers, not full blown pot heads, but occasional smokers, I fear I would have to change my stance when it comes time to settle down. Something that, knowing myself, I cannot do.

 

Have any of you been forced to change your stance on certain issues because of the changing of the times or have you always stuck to your guns?

 

Ironically I split up with one of the hottest girls I ever dated because she was a pot head. She downplayed it at first but after one or two months of our going out it was obvious it was a daily thing for her. I don't have anything against it per se but I don't really want it in my life for a variety of reasons. People like that tend to have other problems, and as it turns out she did.

 

Epilogue: After we split up, I found out through the grapevine that she had found a great job and was fired two weeks later when her drug test results came in. Duh.

[monicaelise]

Well the overall topic of the thread is has/would anyone compromise on deal breakers and under what conditions? I just used my personal deal breaker of weed smoking as an example. Especially since my stance is a minority voice in my generation, meaning if I keep this as a deal breaker, it makes my dating life harder.

 

Fair enough, and again, I would just ask myself why it's a deal breaker if I felt as you do.

 

When I think of the real deal breakers in my own life, they tend to be things that I know will end up genuinely compromising my quality of life if I make room for them. By that, I mean things like abuse or inconsistency or dishonesty. Lifestyle choices I tend to make more room for, mostly because I know my way is just my way and not necessarily the right way.

[MrCastle]

Fair enough, and again, I would just ask myself why it's a deal breaker if I felt as you do.

 

When I think of the real deal breakers in my own life, they tend to be things that I know will end up genuinely compromising my quality of life if I make room for them. By that, I mean things like abuse or inconsistency or dishonesty. Lifestyle choices I tend to make more room for, mostly because I know my way is just my way and not necessarily the right way.

 

Well that's the thing, too. Because like I said, I'm in the minority. I'm sure most of us have deal breakers that are more mainstream. A lot of (childless) people have "no kids" as a deal breaker, or maybe the deal breakers deal with matters of values/morality that an average person can agree with. But if I'm saying "no weed", and everyone else is smoking it, it's a problem. If you can't beat em, join em right? But I also feel you shouldn't have to compromise on your major deal breakers. For me, drug use is a major one.

[monicaelise]

Well that's the thing, too. Because like I said, I'm in the minority. I'm sure most of us have deal breakers that are more mainstream. A lot of (childless) people have "no kids" as a deal breaker, or maybe the deal breakers deal with matters of values/morality that an average person can agree with. But if I'm saying "no weed", and everyone else is smoking it, it's a problem. If you can't beat em, join em right? But I also feel you shouldn't have to compromise on your major deal breakers. For me, drug use is a major one.

 

I certainly agree with you on the "drug use" issue but do you know why you feel that way? Also, where do you draw the line on that basis? I don't necessarily think you should change your mind about this, but ...again this is just me.. I think pot smoking and alcohol consumption belong in one camp which include non-addicted, normal social behaviours while drug abuse and other addictive behaviours belong in another.

 

For me a full-blown pothead, an alcoholic, and an opiate addict are all off the table as potential partners because their habits are likely to impair my quality of life. On the other hand, someone who likes to go out and have a drink or occasionally smokes a bowl isn't going to compromise my quality of life.

[Treasa]

I was in class today and the topic of weed smoking came up. Most people (mostly women) chimed in about how they do it and they don't see it as a big deal or whatever.

 

Seems most people these days feel that way. I realize I am certainly in the minority in my age group when it comes to drug use of any kind.

 

Ironically, I think marijuana should be legal and it's stupid that it's not, but it's just not something I'm into personally at all. I've mentioned on here several times my stance on drug use. Zero tolerance for it.

 

However, I see this as a problem going forward. The more we go on, the more things become accepted/mainstream/the norm. I cannot date someone long term if they smoke. That's one of my deal breakers. I (begrudgingly) date women short term who do it. Out of sight, out of mind sort of thing. But with the majority of women being at least casual smokers, not full blown pot heads, but occasional smokers, I fear I would have to change my stance when it comes time to settle down. Something that, knowing myself, I cannot do.

 

Have any of you been forced to change your stance on certain issues because of the changing of the times or have you always stuck to your guns?

 

I feel the exact same way as you. Some of my friends are into pot, but it's just not for me.

 

Some things are deal-breakers and will stay that way. I don't want to be with a guy who smokes pot. Just not my thing. I have nothing against them, but I just don't want to be with one. Another is someone who smokes cigarettes. I'm extremely allergic to them. A third is someone who hurts animals.

 

There are other "preferences" that are lower on the scale that aren't deal-breakers, though.

 

When we select a vendor at my company, among the thousands of things we measure are the "need to have," the "want to have" and the "eh, whatever."

 

The "need to have" are my deal-breakers, but I also have my "want to haves" that I'm willing to forego if all of my need to haves are met.

[TheGuard13]

Agreed. The only way I would compromise on a dealbreaker is if there's an alternate way to get my needs met and both parties were fine with it. If that's the case...fine.

[serial muse]

Well the "deal breakers" some have compromised on turned out not to be real ones, so things change as does our perspectives

 

This is my viewpoint as well. I didn't think I'd date smokers, pot smokers, etc., but when push came to shove I found that I didn't place as high a value on it as I'd thought - not when I found that I really wanted to be with the person.

 

The only dealbreaker that I know from experience really is one is cheating. When I found out that my exH cheated, I actually wrestled with myself over whether I could get past it, could I forgive him, etc...I spent a few weeks wondering whether I had it in me, I knew some people who had managed to move forward despite that breach - but in the end I just knew that I couldn't, I just couldn't. It really was a dealbreaker, and the end of the marriage.

 

So I've found that my theoretical dealbreakers don't always translate to absolute dealbreakers - unless they do.

[KungFuJoe]

I broke my biggest deal breaker ever.

 

Being with a woman who had a kid.

[Ruby Slippers]

That's interesting. I've never been in the business of changing for people or making people change. I don't see the potential in people, you either have the whole package when we meet, or I'm done. I don't say "hmm, she smokes but I can work around that," I say "she smokes? next."

 

I do wonder though, if a girl had everything I ever wanted in another human being, except she smoke weed, what would I do? Next her? Accept her? Or get her to change? Luckily I don't have to make a tough decision like that right now.

I don't see changing one's habits as changing oneself. For example, when I first started dating the guy I mentioned, we tended to eat a lot of red meat and richer food together, because that's what he liked and he usually took charge when it came to the food. I didn't care enough to debate the matter at first. Myself, I tend to eat pretty light and healthy, so it was nice to indulge a bit. Over time, I introduced lighter and healthier foods into our meals, and he adapted on that point, even going from cooking me stuff like steak with a buttery carb side to chicken with vegetables cooked in olive oil.

 

Neither of us changed. We just adapted to eating meals that worked for us both.