crownjewel1 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 First time poster – please be kind. * I may not sound like it – but I’m a Christian woman. *A good person, friend and mother… * I have been married for 12 years.* It’s been rocky.* Very rocky.* We’ve been through therapy – husband just didn’t seem to want to help me.* I’ve been the breadwinner –he’s been the spoiled brat.* Well, a few months ago – I told him we were done.* I told him we couldn’t keep doing this anymore.* He got angry and then a few days later he asked if we could talk to a priest.* I said yes… * BETWEEN that time – I met a man who is almost divorced.* Separated for 3 years – wife filed…but they are still fighting about money.* I fell for him BIG TIME.* I thought he was successful – etc.* He is a good dad.* Has 3 kids.* Well, I didn’t tell him I was still married.* I told him I too was separated.* I started an affair with him.** I have pretended to be separated – because my husband has completely done a 180. Went to individual therapy etc…and is trying so hard.* I am now a lying cheat – to both men.* * I need to end the affair. *However,* I can’t seem to do it.** And what’s so awful about this..is the guy is not a dreamboat.* Turns out he has herpes…and his finances are all locked because of his continued divorce.* I end up paying for dinners etc..* But, I am so drawn to him.* Every time I see him – I think I will come home and tell my husband,* However I never do – because my husband is turning into everything I ever wanted. *But, I just can’t seem to FEEL anything for him.* * I am in a real mess. *The OM has his kids so often – that he never calls when he’s with them.* So it has been a perfect way for me to live this awful double life.* I’ve been to confession etc..but I just can’t seem to get my heart in the right place…* * Can someone help me?* I feel like I’ve lost my mind.*
TigerCub Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Maybe the OM is still married too? The worst thing you could do is get herpes and pass it on to your H. If you want to lie and deceit, fine - that's another bag of crap, but don't end up getting it and infecting someone else with such a horrible STD.
Author crownjewel1 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 I recognize that you are right. He keeps telling me it's less than a 3 percent chance. Why can't I stop myself from being with this man? His wife left him 3 years ago. They are still fighting over money. Divorce is not final. He says he got it from her when they were dating. It's tough... I've fallen too far for this man.
To be or not to be Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 First time poster – please be kind. * I may not sound like it – but I’m a Christian woman. *A good person, friend and mother… * I have been married for 12 years.* It’s been rocky.* Very rocky.* We’ve been through therapy – husband just didn’t seem to want to help me.* I’ve been the breadwinner –he’s been the spoiled brat.* Well, a few months ago – I told him we were done.* I told him we couldn’t keep doing this anymore.* He got angry and then a few days later he asked if we could talk to a priest.* I said yes… * BETWEEN that time – I met a man who is almost divorced.* Separated for 3 years – wife filed…but they are still fighting about money.* I fell for him BIG TIME.* I thought he was successful – etc.* He is a good dad.* Has 3 kids.* Well, I didn’t tell him I was still married.* I told him I too was separated.* I started an affair with him.** I have pretended to be separated – because my husband has completely done a 180. Went to individual therapy etc…and is trying so hard.* I am now a lying cheat – to both men.* * I need to end the affair. *However,* I can’t seem to do it.** And what’s so awful about this..is the guy is not a dreamboat.* Turns out he has herpes…and his finances are all locked because of his continued divorce.* I end up paying for dinners etc..* But, I am so drawn to him.* Every time I see him – I think I will come home and tell my husband,* However I never do – because my husband is turning into everything I ever wanted. *But, I just can’t seem to FEEL anything for him.* * I am in a real mess. *The OM has his kids so often – that he never calls when he’s with them.* So it has been a perfect way for me to live this awful double life.* I’ve been to confession etc..but I just can’t seem to get my heart in the right place…* * Can someone help me?* I feel like I’ve lost my mind.* Your trapped in the affair fog and the addiction it brings. Therefor hard to think clearly to avoid making another poor decision. This OM has his own issues he's still dealing with. Why would you want to deal with that? I'm guessing the fact that he has herpes and has finance issues that its a problem for you. Sounds like you need to come clean with both men and then end it with OM and NC. Give yourself some time to think about what You really want. Seek some counseling until you can make a conscious decision. Do you have any kids?
Author crownjewel1 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 Yes. I have one child. I am pretty ashamed of myself. But I just can't seem to see this situation and the OM the way I should...
Author crownjewel1 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 Well I went to confession. The priest suggested that I don't tell because it would only hurt him and help me ease my guilt. My job he says is to end this relationship and try to open my heart to my husband.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Well I went to confession. The priest suggested that I don't tell because it would only hurt him and help me ease my guilt. My job he says is to end this relationship and try to open my heart to my husband. What kind of priest tells you to lie to your husband? Yuk. Look, you are so damn upset with your husband still... and you probably don't trust that this change is for real or lasting. That mountain of resentment and anger simply won't allow you to feel anything for him. It won't go away quickly or easily... so you both need to be fully committed to making it work. Here is my advice. Figure out which guy you want now... today! Make the darn choice and then stick it out until it's over. If you pick the Husband... you have to be honest about the affair. What's the point of rebuilding a relationship based on lies and bullshi*? Sure it's going to hurt... but then at least you can begin to heal. Or... you can end the relationship with your husband and move on. Maybe this other man is going to turn out well... maybe not. There will be other guys later if he turns out to be crap. If you end it... no need to tell your Husband about the affair. That is my 2 cents. I don't think what you have done is outside the realm of forgiveness.... but don't drag this on for months and waste everyones time and life... including your own.
ComingInHot Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 crownjewel; Hey there and I am sorry that you have chosen to stay in such a horrible situation that is damaging many people including yourself. It has to be doubly awful knowing that you are so far separated from your faith and Savior because if you believe as you say then you are acknowledging the sin and still choosing to embrace it because it Feeeeels gooood. That is a clear snub at God. (I'm assuming it's God as you go to confession, right?) So, what are your plans? I mean you say you can't or don't want to live this Affair Lie so what are your options? Or are you here for a swift kick in your girly pants to face your reality and decide to divorce or reconcile but being HONEST w/those who deserve the truth? Rest assured you will probably get both advise and a swift kick mostly at the same time if I know some posters here* If you hate lying then STOP. Tell the truth (not to a priest...) to your husband who is trying, to your tawdry lover who has no clue and make an example of yourself and how people sin or make a bad choice, repent or acknowledge their wrong doing, then correct the sin/bad choice to again live a genuine honest healthy life for themselves and more importantly their CHILDREN. Because as good of a friend, mother lover, home maker, bread-winner you may be, you are anything but authentic and genuine and honest.
Author crownjewel1 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 I'm not trying to say what I did was justified.. But I would like some feedback on my marital relationship.. To see if my trying... Is worth it I really need this tough feedback.... But I'd like to give some examples of my husband's behavior. * My husband IS trying now…but for the past 6 years or so it’s been full of drama.* Either we were doing well…because he was “trying” or we were back to tough times. * I’m the bread winner – we needed to downsize.* I told him we needed to trade in the bmw for a cheaper car – he manipulated me …said he would “buy a scooter then and take our child on the scooter”. * We haven’t had real s*x in a long time…because he would just want me to give him a han*job instead…of actually having s*x…* He is trying now…but he had an addiction to porn.* A few months ago I asked him why after therapy and me talking about this being a problem…he’s STILL doing it.* He said that he knew I was worried about my weight ..so he didn’t want to inconvenience me.* I’m a size 4.* Work out all the time.* * I recently told him we had money problems (since I’ve been an enabler) and he threatened to quit his fulltime job and work at walgreens..* so he had “better hours”.* * He is a very smart and talented man. *Has a good job..,but manipulates me.*
frozensprouts Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 a couple of points .... first, you seem very angry at your husband... secondly, reading your posts, there's something very "dismissive" in the way you talk about your husband...you say he has a good full time job, yet you refer to yourself as the breadwinner and seem to dismiss his contributions.... you see his actions as trying to manipulate you...while I agree some of his responses are childish, they don't seem manipulative, more petulant it almost seems as if your are cheating to almost 'punish" your husband for his perceived faults...it doesn't sound like your outside interest has a lot going for him, and you are risking your health ( and the health of your husband) by sleeping with him, yet you do it anyway...seems pretty passive aggressive to me... 2
Ladybugz Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 No one is good. Only God. Im glad you are a Christian. And that you see that what you are doing is wrong. Maybe this situation need to be your everyday and intensive pray. And faith without action is dead. So you should be determent to stop this affair. I think secrets are wrong they keep you locked in like a box and you have no rest cause you are always looking around who will catch you cheating. I think one thing about reconciliation is to be honest and tell the truth. Take responsibility. And then say sorry, and next stop doing what you are doing wrong. Pray to God for His help and be open en willing to change. I think you should tell your husband. And let him know your feelings. And just start dleeting all the stuff you have from that other men. And i think you need to work on that deep down issue you have with yourself. Cause i think looking at what kind of men you cheated with its almost the same situation you went seeking for but with another men. Its like same ***** different person. The truth cleans and heals. The truth shall set you free. Beside marriage is something that have to be keep, holy. And its something God created so for the best guide true it we need to go to God. And by not telling your husband you are building and he is building on a fake foundation . If you tell the truth then you can build on a real one. Based on truth not on lie
Ladybugz Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Beside notting can help you both if you both dont do any action. Therapy, praying to God, having a good marriage etc. Everything ask hard work from both of you. Read books, confess, say sorry out of a repentent heart, do your best, communicate openly etc. do the best your can etc. Sit and hear all the good ideas doesnt help also. Action action action. Especially when trust have been broken.
Ladybugz Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Well I went to confession. The priest suggested that I don't tell because it would only hurt him and help me ease my guilt. My job he says is to end this relationship and try to open my heart to my husband. This is why you need to confess to God, and let Him guide you. And secrets are not something of God. So its not right if he tells you to keep it secret. I think its because u keep it secret you keep it going on. No marriage is without struggle, neither relationships. All ask work from both of you. Maybe you need to talk to your therapist alone that you want to have a conversation the 3 of you to see how serious your husband and you are about your relationship and why. Did your therapist come that far to ask both of you what you want to see different? etc.? How serious is he about being with you? And how serious are you? 1
Author crownjewel1 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 Life doesn't always turn out the way we expect does it.. My problems truly begin when I was raped as a teenager and forced to keep it quiet. I essentially lived a double life for awhile because our family friend said he'd hurt my parents if I told. I have gone to therapy for this and it hasn't bothered me but now I seeing how easy it is for me to live this life of lies ... I learned how as a child. I can see it (sort of) on the surface... But have a hard time recognizing how hurtful my behavior may be... My husband says he loves me and wants to save our marriage. However there are often times where I feel his words are not supported with action. But he is trying (again). I must give him that. But then I wonder if it's because he's scared of losing my income? He has left me high and dry in the past and yes I'm having a hard time getting past that. He threatened to commit suicide with our dogs after one of them attacked our son and I said they had to go. Manipulation. It's hard believing it could work again,..
ComingInHot Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Crownjewel; Interesting user name. Is that you perceive yourself or wished yu could perceive yourself. I've noticed there is sometimes something very telling about what we name ourselves... Just curious* You know a friend of mine is in a similar stitch. Only she has No faith so she's not being or claiming to be anything she isn't. My point is, she is CHEATING on her husband and filed for divorce a couple weeks later. I support her D. I know her husband and have seen her try hard over the six yrs I've known her to make the M work. I can fully understand her leaving but NOT cheating. She has late elementary & middle school aged children. They are devastated about their family being torn a part. They now know (more the older one) that Mommy has a new "friend". I asked her what they think. Her response... "Come to think of it, I don't know. I haven't talked to them in a while. But I'm sure when they're ready, they'll come to me." She LIVES w/her kids and didn't even realize they aren't speaking to her!! I felt sick. I FEEL sick. And this is just the beginning, for them AND for her. So, if you're "done" w/the marriage, LEAVE, FILE, GO! You'll be fine after all because you're the "bread winner" right.?. But for God's sake woman, get your head out of the clouds(that's not really what I wanted to say...) and END this tawdry A before it RUINS something precious!! Please!!
veryhappy Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 If you had been so lucky to not get herpes by now, thank whatever gods you believe in and stop having sex with him. Are you crazy? You will get it for sure and pass it on to your h. Get a test anyway in case you have it and are asymptomatic. Why do you have such little interest in caring about your wellbeing? 1
todreaminblue Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 First time poster – please be kind. * I may not sound like it – but I’m a Christian woman. *A good person, friend and mother… * I have been married for 12 years.* It’s been rocky.* Very rocky.* We’ve been through therapy – husband just didn’t seem to want to help me.* I’ve been the breadwinner –he’s been the spoiled brat.* Well, a few months ago – I told him we were done.* I told him we couldn’t keep doing this anymore.* He got angry and then a few days later he asked if we could talk to a priest.* I said yes… * BETWEEN that time – I met a man who is almost divorced.* Separated for 3 years – wife filed…but they are still fighting about money.* I fell for him BIG TIME.* I thought he was successful – etc.* He is a good dad.* Has 3 kids.* Well, I didn’t tell him I was still married.* I told him I too was separated.* I started an affair with him.** I have pretended to be separated – because my husband has completely done a 180. Went to individual therapy etc…and is trying so hard.* I am now a lying cheat – to both men.* * I need to end the affair. *However,* I can’t seem to do it.** And what’s so awful about this..is the guy is not a dreamboat.* Turns out he has herpes…and his finances are all locked because of his continued divorce.* I end up paying for dinners etc..* But, I am so drawn to him.* Every time I see him – I think I will come home and tell my husband,* However I never do – because my husband is turning into everything I ever wanted. *But, I just can’t seem to FEEL anything for him.* * I am in a real mess. *The OM has his kids so often – that he never calls when he’s with them.* So it has been a perfect way for me to live this awful double life.* I’ve been to confession etc..but I just can’t seem to get my heart in the right place…* * Can someone help me?* I feel like I’ve lost my mind.* I think the only way is if you talk to your pastor, and seek therapy,you know what you have to do , you dont need help off this board, I think you know what you are doing is destructive so take the steps you need to repair your marriage if yoru marriage is important to you make it first priority.....seek counseling from a professional and recommended therapist...make it mutual therapy...do what is right because i sense you want to....do what you can to repair the relationship if you cant then consider other options when you have exhausted every possible chance of salvaging your union with your husband.....deb
Mr. Lucky Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 If you had been so lucky to not get herpes by now, thank whatever gods you believe in and stop having sex with him. Are you crazy? You will get it for sure and pass it on to your h. In that case, problem solved. She won't have to tell her H, he'll find out a different way. And since herpes is the gift that keeps on giving, he'll have plenty of reminders. crownjewel1, I'm always amazed at WS like you that claim that they don't have the will to deal with the problem head on yet engage is such self-destructive behaviors that they ensure they'll be caught. Your words are in direct contradiction with your actions. But I guess it will all be OK. Because in the end, when your H finds out through a STD or otherwise, you'll be able to say "I didn't intend for anyone to get hurt". And based on your ability to rationalize things to this point, you'll probably mean it ... Mr. Lucky
Almond_Joy Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Crownjewel.... All I can think to say is that the truth will set you free. From all the confusion and the guilt. Your husband will be hurt, but he deserves to know that his efforts now are a waste because you are not fully invested in making the marriage work. And in the long run he will appreciate the honesty. I've yet to see a betrayed spouse who was not grateful for being told the truth and given that choice. Yes you have to decide who you want to be with, but you also need to understand that he should be awarded that same right. Knowing that he has been cheated on, he may choose to walk away. And you will have to accept that, as a consequence of your actions. You do sound like you have a lot of pent up anger and resentment towards your husband. Maybe it's built up to the point that you can't work through it. But if you think you want to try, then really give it 100%. Put all of your focus on this commitment you made before your friends and family and God to this man for better or for worse. That's the commitment you made and holding to that commitment should always be the priority. You can end your move forward from this confusing situation by coming clean and moving forward from there. I don't see how you can make any constructive progress if you stay in limbo with these two men in your life. Good luck. 1
tattoo Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 PLEASE stop. At the end of the day, this other man is just another man. He is not a prince. And there is no prince without a toad. No one is perfect. Emotionally sustain YOURSELF first and do not seek it from outside yourself. I have lived your life. It is not worth it. It destroys you. You CAN find forgiveness in your heart for your husband. Believe me. Especially if he is genuine in his efforts to change. I cheated on my husband. I even "fell in love" with the other man. I also tried to make it work with my husband. I confessed my affair. We tried to work on it. We fought. We made up. He resented me for months and years. We went to counselling. Separately and together. We tried SO HARD. Finally, we separated. We hurt and grieved and assumed all was done. But coparenting, we needed to put the children first and make it work for them. We learned to work together. Communicate better and remove our personal feelings. In distancing ourselves from emotion, we started to see we could actually exist together, work together, and actually be okay with it. Can I tell you that we are coming up to THREE YEARS of recovery. It has been a SH*TTY three years... but guess what? For the first time in 3 years, I am feeling the feelings falling in love with my husband again. Yes, I have always "loved" him... wanted what's best for him... and let him go because I felt he was better without me, and I him. Each of us have gotten over our hurts, forgiven and let go. But funny how things happen. We started to fall in love again. I am the happiest I ever was in our relationship. I am not going in with blinders. It is HARD WORK going forward. Has been the last few years, but finally all this hard work is paying off. It is more than worth it. If you truly feel you cannot be with you husband, let him go, and move on with the other man, or not. Either way, move on. It does not serve you to have both. don't play both. You will not only destroy your husband, but your own internal integrity and self-worth. Not worth it. 2
whichwayisup Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Tell your husband the truth, you owe him that much. Let him decide if he wants to forgive you, work on the marriage and give you a second chance. Or maybe he is just as unhappy as you are and he'll want to divorce. Doing nothing and having an A on the side is not working. 1
TaraMaiden Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 Let's not get off-topic here: First of all the OP states she is a Christian woman - but as we all know, those who avidly follow specific faiths have been known to perpetuate some of the greatest evils on this earth, so being a Christian means nothing. To cite an example, you know who said this...? “I believe today that my conduct is in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator. This human world of ours would be inconceivable without the practical existence of a religious belief.....Even today I am not ashamed to say that, overpowered by stormy enthusiasm, I fell down on my knees and thanked Heaven from an overflowing heart for granting me the good fortune of being permitted to live at this time.” That was Adolph Hitler. So let's just drop that argument, shall we? Secondly she states she is a 'good person, wife and mother' - well, that may be so, but no matter how Good she IS - what she is doing, is far from it, so a good person doing bad things might rightly be more criticised for it, than a bad person doing bad things - which is only to be expected after all.... She is NOT being a wife, and she is certainly not being a conscientious and responsible mother. "Yeah, my mum got this sexual disease from an affair she had....." Brilliant. OP, you have two choices: Tell your husband, and file for divorce, Or keep it from your husband, and file for divorce. Of course, it goes without saying that you should have yourself tested, and preferably, you should tell your husband, because no matter how 'bad' or unreasonable behaviour, he didn't sign up for this..... Confessing to your priest, may absolve you from worldly sin - but it doesn't erase what you've done, and it doesn't make it either better, or acceptable. 3
Survivor12 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Life doesn't always turn out the way we expect does it.. My problems truly begin when I was raped as a teenager and forced to keep it quiet. I essentially lived a double life for awhile because our family friend said he'd hurt my parents if I told. I have gone to therapy for this and it hasn't bothered me but now I seeing how easy it is for me to live this life of lies ... I learned how as a child. Past trauma does have an influence over the way we FEEL and THINK about ourselves and others, but it does not control how we choose to ACT. Cheating on your husband is a CHOICE and the fact that you were raped (for which you have my sincerest sympathy) is not an excuse...particularly when you say that "it hasn't bothered me, but now..." On the contrary, since you are painfully aware of how unhealthy and damaging it is to live a lie, choosing to deceive your husband and knowingly subject him to a life-altering disease while pretending to be above reproach is even more heinous. It's time to step up and do the right thing. Stop making excuses and blaming your husband for your choices. Tell your husband that his efforts are too little, too late and that you want a divorce. Tell him what you have done so he doesn't feel obligated to try to save the marriage and doesn't have to live with the guilt of thinking it was all his fault. After all, he TRIED to change which is a step closer to absolution than you have reached so far...although you can change that by doing the right thing.
seibert253 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Crown, I have a homework assignment: Open your Bible, and find the verse where God tells us to lie to our spouse. In fact, find where God commands us to lie to anyone. Can't find it, because it's not there. You will never experience true R without total honesty. Some here will probaly say you can but in truth their lies continue. BTW, find another priest. He's giving you advice to continue in your sin. He's totally cluless IMO.
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