Do men really prefer doing the 'chasing'?

[KungFuJoe]

I've talked to a good 250-300 guys about this issue (ranging from average to a lot of very very good looking dudes) in my lifetime and the consensus is men don't ever get approached outside of your average desperate fat chick at a bar situation, certainly by nobody remotely desirable

 

 

BTW when I say somebody remotely attractive - I hope people don't construe that as meaning a gorgeous perfect looking babe. I consider Amolya and Phoe (the 2 main ladies on this page) to be perfectly attractive and cute

 

I guess I must be more attractive than the 250-300 guys you spoke to.

 

Man, talk about an ego boost. Thanks!

[KungFuJoe]

I saw a pic of yourself, LOL you're like a 6.5/10 brah. Real talk

 

http://i350.photobucket.com/albums/q401/HipHopStan_com/HHS/mj-laughing.gif

 

So you just proved my point.

 

You say an average looking guy doesn't get approached by beautiful women.

 

If I'm average...then who's wrong here?

[TheGuard13]

I do like a bit of the chase. If the girl starts to play games, though, I tend to be done chasing. Chasing is only fun when you catch what you're chasing.

[tbf]

Here's where I pull out the biology. Men have 20 times more testosterone than women in their bodies. One impact of greater levels of testosterone is higher risk tolerance and competitiveness.

 

With the above in mind, it's not surprising that men approach women more often than the reverse.

 

For the same reason of higher levels of testosterone, it's not surprising that men have greater muscle tone and carry less fat on their bodies.

 

The vast majority of threads on LS appear to surround men wanting women to be more like men in the mating dance, even though biologically, women are less likely to behave in this manner.

 

:facepalm:

[KungFuJoe]

Well...looks like DJTiesto, aka BrahmaBull is off posting pics of himself and his sister on bodybuilding.com trying to tell everyone he looks like Mario Lopez....with down syndrome.

[StanMusial]

Here's where I pull out the biology. Men have 20 times more testosterone than women in their bodies. One impact of greater levels of testosterone is higher risk tolerance and competitiveness.

 

With the above in mind, it's not surprising that men approach women more often than the reverse.

 

For the same reason of higher levels of testosterone, it's not surprising that men have greater muscle tone and carry less fat on their bodies.

 

The vast majority of threads on LS appear to surround men wanting women to be more like men in the mating dance, even though biologically, women are less likely to behave in this manner.

 

:facepalm:

 

Tru dat. LOL.

 

Fear of rejection is real and it sucks but if you're not willing to take your lumps then get used to using your hand.

[chex]

DJTiesto is seriously pumping my ego right now.

 

Thanks, loveshack. This is why I come here.

[tbf]

Tru dat. LOL.

 

Fear of rejection is real and it sucks but if you're not willing to take your lumps then get used to using your hand.

As a possibility, are some of these guys lacking in testosterone where medical treatment might help? It's a consideration for the guys who are paralyzed by fear of rejection. I'm not kidding or trying to be snarky.

[StanMusial]

As a possibility, are some of these guys lacking in testosterone where medical treatment might help? It's a consideration for the guys who are paralyzed by fear of rejection. I'm not kidding or trying to be snarky.

 

I seriously doubt that would help. Its more psychological and life experience IMO.

[chex]

As a follow-up, I think I'm going to try to rationalize the reasons why a man is approached. Feel free to correct me, I'm just sort of bullsh*tting based on my experiences and what I've heard from people.

 

1. Looks. If you look like a god, people are going to approach you. As a rule though, I tend not to judge my own looks. I've been told I'm good looking by the girls I date/my friends, but of course they tell me I look good.

 

2. Confidence. While confidence is usually seen in not being afraid to approach, it's also being self-assured and content with being single. So, I'd say insecure guys who don't really give off social vibes at all won't be approached as much as the types who simply don't feel the need to approach. This involves not obsessing over trying to get into a relationship. I've seen some guys who really put too much weight on any sort of intimacy or relationship, and they really get stomped on in the dating world. I live by a sort of tao philosophy, minus the nature crap. I try to live in the moment as much as possible, not worrying about the future, not being a hindsight. I learn from mistakes but don't obsess over them. My ideal as far as my own self goes is to completely separate my ego from my confidence, because I've seen that confidence feels good, confidence makes people like you, but it's ego that really is the douchy side of confidence most of the time.

[lakerman34]

This is a very interesting question that I don't know how to answer completely.

 

Girls that chase me I usually don't like because it's too easy.

 

When I chase girls, I don't know if I 'LIKE' it, exactly, but it keeps me interested. The more a girl plays the 'push and pull' game with me, the more interested I get. It's bad. If there are other guys in the picture, if it I feel like I'm just getting played with, THEN I begin to HATE the chase. If the girl is REALLY worth it, I may try for a while longer, but after that, I just stop. Problem with this is, you have to imagine the best girls usually get chased by multiple guys.

 

I was lucky to land a date last March with a girl that many considered one of the coolest, prettiest, most down to earth, popular girls in my school. I kid you not, I chased her for 6 months. Then, I really screwed up on the date (couldn't find where I parked the car, messed up my chance for the kiss, a bunch of stuff that is rather comical to me now. Texted her after the date telling her that I would love to have another one, she said "lets just be friends." Haven't spoken to her since, and all the interest she used to show in me just disappeared in the matter of one night).

 

I really LIKED the chase in that case because she knew I was a great guy, confident guy, and I played the game in a way that I couldn't be friend-zoned. As the chase went on, the more and more interested she got (it got to the point that it was so obvious she was hot and bothered around me that people who were completely unaware of my interest in her told me "dude, she was completely a nervous wreck around you, and she kept touching you," etc. etc.)

 

When I see results, I LOVE the chase. Otherwise, it could be either fun or a waste of my precious time.

[mortensorchid]

What I have found is this in the world today (and if you went back, say, 100 years ago, it might be the same thing)... The old fashioned rule of thumb is that men should do the asking. Women have said "But I want it to happen now", so if they decide that they want to be with someone they will do the chasing. They are the ones who are calling and asking for get togethers, they will go the distance. What does this get you? Not much unfortunately.

 

There is a curious dicotomy in the world today. Did you know that half of the women in relationships or marriages are the bread winners of their households? And did you also know that men feel emasculated by this? They may say that it doesn't bother them, but it really does. And the reason that people are living together (with or without being married) are because they are more concerned with finances than being with that other person? Why? We have contradictions about ourselves, no question. How do we get over these things? It's hard to say.

 

SO what do you do? You keep on going and hope against hope that things will work out at the end of the day or week or whatever the case may be. Strange? Yes, it is, but we have to keep a certain amount of faith that it may be a good thing. With that being said, hope that there will be someone who sees things the same way without having to worry about which one is doing the chasing or not.

[El Brujo]

Constantly, I read about how in dating, guys should be the ones chasing girls, and guys initiating contact. If he doesn;t he's not interested in the girl. If a girl initiates contact at any time (even after the guy has made the first 'move' ) she is needy or lacks self respect. Most of this spiel comes from the ladies, so I want to know what guys think. Does it really turn you off if a girl asks you out or calls you? Or if she tries to arrange a date instead of you? Do you really prefer to 'work' for a girl rather than her serve herself up to you on a plate?

 

Sometimes, I don't like waiting around for a guy to call me or whatever. If I feel like it or I like him, I'll do it. I'm not someone who texts/calls someone constantly maybe once every few days, but if I am the first to do it, then he cools off I always wonder if it was because I didn';t wait around to be 'chased' (and that is what I'm often told if I ask around), but then again could it just be because he was never interested in me in the first place? Perhaps men are not good at rejecting girls so they prefer doing the work so they don't have to deal with letting down a girl who likes them more than they like her?

 

I don't know if I'll be able to change how I approach these things, but it's nice to know what others (esp men) actually think about this

 

I'd prefer it if more women initiated.

 

This does not mean going out and cracking a man over the head with a club and dragging him back to your cave by his hair... but if you're at a dance or a drink-a-thon and you see a shy guy who isn't having fun, there's no law against you initiating contact with him. This isn't Saudi Arabia.

 

I've been to plenty of events where guys started leaving because none of the women would walk over and talk to them.

 

So, yes... the old caveman psychology doesn't work as well as it used to.

[mesmerized]

Actually, based on my recent experiences, it's much better if you let the men pursue you rather than you doing the work. I don't know why but it always seem to work better this way. The only exception is if you pursue a man who thinka of you as a prize either way. In that case it doesn't matter because you are probably the best he can get anyway.

[KungFuJoe]

Before I came to LS, I had NO IDEA that there were people out there who never got approached by the opposite sex.

 

I got approached a lot when I was younger and pretty much constantly until I was eventually married and completely off the market. I hardly ever go anywhere without my wife these days and of course, my wedding ring is a pretty good indicator that I'm not single. But before? I've had girls pick me up in clubs, try to kiss me, openly ask me out, tell me they liked me, tell me they wanted to f*ck me even. I just thought that's how it works. People liked someone...they went for it. This was all in my late teens to mid 20s. I mean, there was actually a time where I could sit back and count how many girls like me and I would actually have to think for a bit. I seriously could have been one huge man whore if I wasn't so damn picky.

 

Then I come here and there's guys talking about how no woman has ever approached them or shown any interest and I was seriously mind blown.

 

I live in Southern California...grew up in Buena Park, CA (Orange County) and I'm still here today. So unless OC is some COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WORLD from everywhere else...I really have no idea how or why there is this "perception" that guys don't get approached.

[StanMusial]

Before I came to LS, I had NO IDEA that there were people out there who never got approached by the opposite sex.

 

I got approached a lot when I was younger and pretty much constantly until I was eventually married and completely off the market. I hardly ever go anywhere without my wife these days and of course, my wedding ring is a pretty good indicator that I'm not single. But before? I've had girls pick me up in clubs, try to kiss me, openly ask me out, tell me they liked me, tell me they wanted to f*ck me even. I just thought that's how it works. People liked someone...they went for it. This was all in my late teens to mid 20s. I mean, there was actually a time where I could sit back and count how many girls like me and I would actually have to think for a bit. I seriously could have been one huge man whore if I wasn't so damn picky.

 

Then I come here and there's guys talking about how no woman has ever approached them or shown any interest and I was seriously mind blown.

 

I live in Southern California...grew up in Buena Park, CA (Orange County) and I'm still here today. So unless OC is some COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WORLD from everywhere else...I really have no idea how or why there is this "perception" that guys don't get approached.

 

I get the impression some of these guys might either:

 

1.) Overestimate their attractiveness to the opposite sex.

2.) Expect the hottest girls in the bar/club to be on their jock immediately.

3.) Don't really go out that much.

4.) Have a huge fear of rejection and are frustrated about it.

[tbf]

It's not often that people who look unapproachable, are approached.

[KungFuJoe]

I get the impression some of these guys might either:

 

1.) Overestimate their attractiveness to the opposite sex.

2.) Expect the hottest girls in the bar/club to be on their jock immediately.

3.) Don't really go out that much.

4.) Have a huge fear of rejection and are frustrated about it.

 

I don't know if it's #1. I had some friends that were NOT what you would call good looking and I can think of at least one time a girl was openly attracted to them and approached them first. I think, unless you look like an orge, there is going to be SOMEONE ANYONE out there who likes you enough to make the first move.

 

For #2, these guys are complaining about ANYONE approaching them...not just hot chicks.

 

I think it's #3. I used to go out a LOT. I had a TON of friends and probably worked 15 different jobs in my life. I used to go out to a club/bar every single night for probably a couple years straight when I was in my early 20s. I just met a lot of different people in different circles. I've had so many friends come and go in my life...friends of friends of friends.

 

I'm VERY social...love making friends (and can do so easily) and I feel MORE comfortable in groups than I do one on one, so I often get "picked" out of my friends when we go out.

 

I think most of the people here just aren't going out that much, or meeting new people.

[normal person]

You shouldn't have posted this

 

 

Women will read your post and ignore the 50,000 other ones by men who all say they love when they're approached and think you represent all men

 

 

Like I said, maybe I'm in the minority. It seems like there are a few other guys here who think the same way. That's not to say I don't like it, because I do. But chasing can be more fun.

 

I do like a bit of the chase. If the girl starts to play games, though, I tend to be done chasing. Chasing is only fun when you catch what you're chasing.

 

 

Girls that chase me I usually don't like because it's too easy.

 

When I chase girls, I don't know if I 'LIKE' it, exactly, but it keeps me interested. The more a girl plays the 'push and pull' game with me, the more interested I get. It's bad. If there are other guys in the picture, if it I feel like I'm just getting played with, THEN I begin to HATE the chase. If the girl is REALLY worth it, I may try for a while longer, but after that, I just stop. Problem with this is, you have to imagine the best girls usually get chased by multiple guys.

 

When I see results, I LOVE the chase. Otherwise, it could be either fun or a waste of my precious time.

 

Agree with these a lot. I also agree with whoever posted about the difference in testosterone between men and women. Having testosterone gives guys a natural instinct to chase. A guy expecting women to be the ones to take on the task seems like an incongruence to the natural order of it all.

[tbf]

A guy expecting women to be the ones to take on the task seems like an incongruence to the natural order of it all.

Biology doesn't preclude individuals who are outliers to the median which might account for some of the men who fear rejection so much and women who have higher levels of testosterone.

[Granin]

I am soooo sorry you are going through this...the feelings are way too raw right now.

 

Yours is a different matter, as you two were dating it sounds like. "Dating" to me speaks the possiblility of further growth...especially after the first date. Another date speaks that the person is more than interested. This is the part that can be deceiving because personally I take people at face value and lack the discernment to understand that there could be an "agenda" or whatever. I have to be REALLY careful, even after it's made plain and clear, or spelled out.

 

I know you don't blame her, and I'm not either, although would like to say this- even as dense as I can be, the deep feelings that you describe, cannot be hidden IMO. At this point even a "friendship" could possibly lead the other person on, EVEN if the wording is clear. Have seen this far too many times and people just get hurt and it's wrong. I hate to see others broken hearted, it breaks my heart.

 

In your case, the NC thing is appropriate.

 

My sincere apologies if the tone of my posts sound "distant", and thought of this later. I know you weren't directing anything at me, but saw for myself that I do sound detached. Nope, just dense:laugh:

 

Truth- my thinking is, "why would a person in this day and age want a person like me, especially now?" This is not meant to communicate a low self-worth, because according to my faith, I'm worth everything and do believe this most of the time. At the same time don't see myself as "all that" either...weird I know.

 

After working with thousands of men (male dominated industry), it's just fact that my type now is out-dated. This isn't meant to sound like a "high moral ground" deal, putting myself on this moral pedestal above others...no, far from the truth. Times have just changed.

 

Now want to say concerning the flip-side to your situation, there were a couple of guys that "chased" me for months/years. At a point, and not sure what changed, although I became deeply attached to them- neither of them would or can deal wth me now because of the changes that took root in me, BUT, there was a change of heart.

 

You're good people dude, and please don't change who you are, and try not to let your heart grow cold...the right person WILL come and share your beliefs and WILL feel the same towards you. Sorry for the "book", I tend to get long winded:laugh:

 

 

Haha, no problem it was a good read

 

 

I don't plan to change myself for her, but the strange thing is from the first time I met her she really inspired me to change myself for the better, and to continue to do so. Not to impress her or anything; I've gone through a lengthy period of apathy and an active pursuit of not giving a damn. Either out of a fear or genuine failure or just plain laziness, but something about her just woke me up again, forced me to look at myself and realise I needed to start really living again and take more risks.

 

 

I'm not a bum on benefits or anything, I have a job, but I've definitely been coasting for quite a few years and she's given me this drive to do more with myself. I've applied to do a degree, I've to travel a lot this year and I'm working out a lot more, getting a lot healthier and taken up a lot of old neglected hobbies.

 

 

She's had this immense positive impact on me, despite the emotional hurt, and really I should be thanking her so much, but it's completely weird that this has happened and she'd probably find me telling her to be so too. And I already know she's not interested knowing me on any deep level relationship-wise, so I'll just contently go on and try and embrace this feeling she's given me, regardless of the pain, and she'll have to remain oblivious I guess

 

 

ALSO, someone mentioned earlier that women don't approach for fear of rejection. I think we get rejected in worse ways than men. Usually a man will start talking to girls he likes, if he gets rejected then and there, its not so bad. However if you go out with someone, actually start to like them, then get rejected, that's worse. (not saying this doesn't happen to men too, but this is the kind of rejection most females deal with). I'd much rather approach a guy and be rejected then have a guy appraoch me, I actually like him, then get rejected..

 

 

I've only ever been rejected after getting to know someone, it's very rare for anyone to get rejected initially because most men are quite careful when it comes to approaching not to do anything repulsive, and few men are hideous enough for someone to flat out tell them to f**k off. But it does happen, sometimes, especially to the sleazy men with "pick up lines". Even then a lot of women are too polite to tell them to go away.

Edited February 1, 2013 by Granin

[El Brujo]

It's not often that people who look unapproachable, are approached.

 

Bull.

 

I've been approached by just about every kind of woman who isn't my type.

[fortyninethousand322]

I think if you are a woman who prefers men do the approaching, the onus is on you to at least be appreciative that men are interested in you and to be kind and receptive to the approacher (barring an extreme case where he's harassing you) even if you ultimately reject him. No guy wants to approach women if they're going to be judgmental and stuck up.

 

Same goes for men too I suppose. But that's not the nature of this thread.

[falling angel]

Constantly, I read about how in dating, guys should be the ones chasing girls, and guys initiating contact. If he doesn;t he's not interested in the girl. If a girl initiates contact at any time (even after the guy has made the first 'move' ) she is needy or lacks self respect. Most of this spiel comes from the ladies, so I want to know what guys think. Does it really turn you off if a girl asks you out or calls you? Or if she tries to arrange a date instead of you? Do you really prefer to 'work' for a girl rather than her serve herself up to you on a plate?

 

Sometimes, I don't like waiting around for a guy to call me or whatever. If I feel like it or I like him, I'll do it. I'm not someone who texts/calls someone constantly maybe once every few days, but if I am the first to do it, then he cools off I always wonder if it was because I didn';t wait around to be 'chased' (and that is what I'm often told if I ask around), but then again could it just be because he was never interested in me in the first place? Perhaps men are not good at rejecting girls so they prefer doing the work so they don't have to deal with letting down a girl who likes them more than they like her?

 

I don't know if I'll be able to change how I approach these things, but it's nice to know what others (esp men) actually think about this

guys MOST of the time do the chasing but when the girls are losing interest in them they start sending them mixed signals

[tbf]

Bull.

 

I've been approached by just about every kind of woman who isn't my type.

So women approach you to ask you out? Then your love life must be fantastic!