amolya Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Constantly, I read about how in dating, guys should be the ones chasing girls, and guys initiating contact. If he doesn;t he's not interested in the girl. If a girl initiates contact at any time (even after the guy has made the first 'move' ) she is needy or lacks self respect. Most of this spiel comes from the ladies, so I want to know what guys think. Does it really turn you off if a girl asks you out or calls you? Or if she tries to arrange a date instead of you? Do you really prefer to 'work' for a girl rather than her serve herself up to you on a plate? Sometimes, I don't like waiting around for a guy to call me or whatever. If I feel like it or I like him, I'll do it. I'm not someone who texts/calls someone constantly maybe once every few days, but if I am the first to do it, then he cools off I always wonder if it was because I didn';t wait around to be 'chased' (and that is what I'm often told if I ask around), but then again could it just be because he was never interested in me in the first place? Perhaps men are not good at rejecting girls so they prefer doing the work so they don't have to deal with letting down a girl who likes them more than they like her? I don't know if I'll be able to change how I approach these things, but it's nice to know what others (esp men) actually think about this Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Not every guy does. And some prefer a synthesis of both parties having a similar level of interest and initiative. Link to post Share on other sites
pbjbear Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 This is up for debate. I have found if I have to do more than 50% of chasing in the beginning stages of dating, he was never into me. Alot of men will lead you on (esp. if other girls arent interested in them) but they arent super into you in the long run. This held true for shy guys. When I was younger, I chased a few shy guys and when they didnt reciprocate as much as me, I used their shyness and inexperience as an excuse and it simply turned out they werent that into me. Relationships wise- women tend to do more chasing, put in more effort. However, this is just my experience. There are insecure guys on this site that say the woman has to put in alot of work in the beginning in order for it to work. There are also aloof guys on this site that only date girls that come on strong. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
fortyninethousand322 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I don't enjoy it. I never know how much chasing is too much vs not enough. So I either come off as completely disinterested or all clingy and needy... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pbjbear Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 No, it's something women tell themselves to rationalize not approaching ( and facing their all consuming fear of rejection ). Alot of women it isnt the fear of rejection, its the fear of being led on Alot of men will take anything that comes their way, doesnt mean they actually like you 4 Link to post Share on other sites
fortyninethousand322 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 This is up for debate. I have found if I have to do more than 50% of chasing in the beginning stages of dating, he was never into me. Alot of men will lead you on (esp. if other girls arent interested in them) but they arent super into you in the long run. This held true for shy guys. When I was younger, I chased a few shy guys and when they didnt reciprocate as much as me, I used their shyness and inexperience as an excuse and it simply turned out they werent that into me. Relationships wise- women tend to do more chasing, put in more effort. However, this is just my experience. There are insecure guys on this site that say the woman has to put in alot of work in the beginning in order for it to work. There are also aloof guys on this site that only date girls that come on strong. I get all of that. It's just for me, I don't know how to pursue a girl without coming off like some clingy loser you know? Half the time I probably appear disinterested because I don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
tbf Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 People can act in any manner they want. That's largely irrelevant. What's relevant is, do your dating strategies align? If you prefer less assertive, confident men, then you can pursue. If you prefer more assertive, confident men, then don't pursue. My preference has always been with more assertive, confident men so there's been no need to pursue. They're happy doing the pursuing and I'm happy accepting their pursuit. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
KungFuJoe Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Nope. I don't chase. Never have, and now that I'm married, I never will. Link to post Share on other sites
superb Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I thought men liked it then lost interested when they caught what they wanted, which is typically a sexual encounter. I feel I put a little chase in usually when things get boring, which lately has been after the 1st date..but I think chasing a guy is pointless. Replace him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pbjbear Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I get all of that. It's just for me, I don't know how to pursue a girl without coming off like some clingy loser you know? Half the time I probably appear disinterested because I don't know what to do. You gotta find the balance between clingy and aloof. Id say to avoid being clingy, dont text/call everyday and dont call/text more than one time in a row. Watch her body language and if she pulls back, you should mirror her and pull back. But initiate dates and contact at least once a week to not be aloof Its tough because everyone has a different definition of clingy. I hate talking to a guy every single day but alot of girls here post stuff freaking out if their boyfriend doesnt, so youll have to figure out what your date sees as clingy. I like to save talking for dates. But if theres no talking at all inbetween dates for a long period of time, I find that weird (Im usually too busy to see people more than twice a week) Link to post Share on other sites
fortyninethousand322 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I'd be happy to pursue if I actually knew how to pursue. I feel like it's worse than learning how to crack an egg with one hand. Heck, sometimes cracking an egg with two hands is hard... Link to post Share on other sites
pbjbear Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 No it really is a debilitating fear of rejection. I dont get that many rejections, I just get led on alot Perhaps unattractive women fear rejection 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fortyninethousand322 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 You gotta find the balance between clingy and aloof. Id say to avoid being clingy, dont text/call everyday and dont call/text more than one time in a row. Watch her body language and if she pulls back, you should mirror her and pull back. But initiate dates and contact at least once a week to not be aloof Its tough because everyone has a different definition of clingy. I hate talking to a guy every single day but alot of girls here post stuff freaking out if their boyfriend doesnt, so youll have to figure out what your date sees as clingy. I like to save talking for dates. But if theres no talking at all inbetween dates for a long period of time, I find that weird (Im usually too busy to see people more than twice a week) Some of the time I think I come off as clingy because I'll put the girl I'm on a date with/dating ahead of my friends or other stuff going on. My justification being that I can spend time with my friends anytime, I can't always hang out with a girl... Link to post Share on other sites
Imported Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I like it and prefer it. I don't think anything bad of women that "chase", I would just prefer them to indicate to me that they like me and ....wait. Or not wait, their choice. When I say "chase". I just mean I go up to them, talk with them, gauge interest and decide if I want to get to know her and move it along accordingly. Not like I go hunt her down, sing her show tunes, recite poetry or anything like that. If she doesn't seem interested for anything farther, I am not going to try all that hard to get her. She can move along. She shows interest, I extend an invitation for whatever, if that is not accepted...well that is about as far as me "chasing" goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Truthsayer Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I'm a man and I don't really enjoy it. Women aren't the only people to be led on. I've always believed men and women are equal so I think women should step it up in the "chasing" department. I know it wont happen but it would be nice. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Retrospectively, I do recall some moments of trepidation, but generally felt positive about 'chasing'. Also retrospectively, I identified a marked potential and realized negative dynamic from that process, one that would haunt me in my M, in that it's becomes possible for a woman to let a man chase her; let him love her; let him marry her. That's a bit different, perhaps a muddied difference, from showing proactive and consistent 'chasing' of her own. The most proficient at the former can be very convincing. Life teaches lessons. Link to post Share on other sites
Imported Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I'm a man and I don't really enjoy it. Women aren't the only people to be led on. I've always believed men and women are equal so I think women should step it up in the "chasing" department. I know it wont happen but it would be nice. Until you get women you have zero interest in coming up to you point blank. Then you'll have to figure out a nice way to say no. Then deal with the ones that, no matter how nicely you let her down, she is going to blow up on you, hate your guts and do a smear campaign on you. Being the one to go after the person you want is the best. Pretty much on your own schedule and you can cherry pick. Maybe you fail, but there is always another. Not having women do anything more than flirt with you if they want you is great. Not interested in her? Don't go up to her, end of story. Link to post Share on other sites
crude Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Being the one to go after the person you want is the best. Pretty much on your own schedule and you can cherry pick. Maybe you fail, but there is always another. Maybe some women feel that way too. Better than sitting there passively and having serial killers, married men, and players hit on you. Link to post Share on other sites
ImNotOliver Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Depends on what you mean when you say chase. I think that the stereotypical chase where the guy approaches the woman and by use a few clever/funny lines demonstrates to the woman his confidence, sense of humor, and charm and wins the girl over. The problem is that this is a very flawed system and highly ineffectual. All over the internet there are sites dedicated to giving men advice on how to pursue women and time and time again it is the same flawed system. No wonder so many men are so inept at pursuing women. There are different ways. Early on my romantic life depended mostly on girls with crushes. That is until a girl I knew, a very pretty girl, pulled me aside and told me I could do better. (Actually it was herself she was talking about me doing better with. I was too shy to see it at the time.) The problem though was how to go about it as the much prettier girls seemed to be less likely to act on their crushes. Part of the problem was that I was shy and if overly stressed would pull back into my shell. I knew what to do; I just couldn’t get over the hump. Eventually I found a solution. It lied in my overcoming my inability to look people in the eyes. I began on the walking paths that crisscrossed across the town I lived in. I started taking daily walks and as I passed people I would say, “hi”. At first I could only manage to say it to a few people. As more and more people responded positively and I got more comfortable doing it, I said hi to more and more people until I was saying hi to everybody I passed. I then progressed to looking at people’s faces as I said my “hi” to them, moving on to looking them in the eye and giving them a smile. It didn’t come easy, It took about two years before I got to where I could look just about anybody in the eyes, smile, and say, “hi” By then it had become enjoyable. Everywhere I went I looked people in the eyes, smiled and said “hi!” To me it was new, exciting, liberating, and it made me very happy. With my newfound social skill I soon discovered that I could read people, which was part of the original plan, and much easier than I had previously imagined. Most important of this was that I could tell which women liked me just by looking them in the eyes and smiling. It gave me a great deal of confidence. I’d be willing to bet that my ability to look women in the eyes and flirt and play has increased my attractiveness to women 100 fold if not more and I started out being a pretty good looking guy in the first place. As far as chasing women, it’s really not a chase as much as it is a dance. When I’m out and about and I run into a woman who sparks my interest and I can see that she has an interest in me I’ll figure a way of starting up a conversation with her. But it’s not a chase because she isn’t running. Our conversation will be about regular stuff like two friends would talk, Never do I come on to her, tell her how much I like her, how hot I think she is, or anything like that. I always feel such talk is too much at that stage. Besides if we have good eye contact going such talk is redundant. Setting up a date runs along the same lines. It’ll be like one or the other will say something like, “Hey, I like you, we should hang out some time.” All the time no one is being chased, there is no contest. Rather it is a cooperation because in the end both parties are far better off when cooperating rather than each trying to get an advantage over the other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Granin Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 I love it when a girl comes after me instead. The whole dating game in general is something I really don't like, especially when it comes to "pulling" women. Every guy does the same thing; adapts this complete fiction of a personality that adheres to this fantasy archetype nearly all women require to even consider someone romantically. Then once the woman has been sufficiently aroused and thinks of the man a certain way, THEN the man can let his guard down and act like a normal human being. Then at that point you start developing a genuine relationship, or realise that there's actually nothing of substance between you. When a girl initiates contact with me, it largely erodes that fatuous, fake and completely uncomfortable part of the process. I just feel like I can be more genuine since I am not in "pursuit". There have been times where this has completely backfired though, because at some point the woman will expect you to be confident and assertive and initiate the first sexual move; I've never encountered a situation where a woman has initiated anything sexual first (that wasn't a tramp in a club). And in my experience BECAUSE you've established a repor that wasn't between your fake "game" personality and the girl, you may have a much stronger and emotional connection despite there being nothing sexual layed down yet, and that makes the act of going to the next level a lot more meaningful and daunting. Maybe it's just me though who has this complete split-personality thing when it comes to seduction. I'm sure some people do have that natural magnetic personality when it comes to women, and are like that all the time. But I'm not, and I find adopting that exhausting and depressingly synthetic. Men are shallow when it comes to looks, but women tend to be shallow when it comes to personality. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Constantly, I read about how in dating, guys should be the ones chasing girls, and guys initiating contact. If he doesn;t he's not interested in the girl. If a girl initiates contact at any time (even after the guy has made the first 'move' ) she is needy or lacks self respect. Most of this spiel comes from the ladies, so I want to know what guys think. Does it really turn you off if a girl asks you out or calls you? Or if she tries to arrange a date instead of you? Do you really prefer to 'work' for a girl rather than her serve herself up to you on a plate? Sometimes, I don't like waiting around for a guy to call me or whatever. If I feel like it or I like him, I'll do it. I'm not someone who texts/calls someone constantly maybe once every few days, but if I am the first to do it, then he cools off I always wonder if it was because I didn';t wait around to be 'chased' (and that is what I'm often told if I ask around), but then again could it just be because he was never interested in me in the first place? Perhaps men are not good at rejecting girls so they prefer doing the work so they don't have to deal with letting down a girl who likes them more than they like her? I don't know if I'll be able to change how I approach these things, but it's nice to know what others (esp men) actually think about this LOL, this subject is always intriguing to me. What would you say about someone like me who has never "looked"? The guy has to do the "work" per se because I rarely understand what's going on in the first place. I don't pick up on things of this nature because there are people in general that are just simply nice. IMO men know what they want, and in my observations they will move heaven and earth to get it (career, relationship or both). Also IMO it's important to reciprocate should the man make his feelings known, or as in your words, "the first move". If it is meant to be it will take place, and if it's not it will die. According to my faith it's clear that the man finds his mate. Personally am uncomfortable with formal dating, it feels like one is under some sort of microscope, with the end game being an "all nighter", and that isn't happening, soooo.... It could be best to be friends first because either it's there or it isn't, and this way noone gets hurt, nor has unrealistic expectations. Friendship gives both people the chance to let the other know where they stand (should there be a stand of sorts) and allows one or both to bow out gracefully while still retaining the friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
Granin Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 LOL, this subject is always intriguing to me. What would you say about someone like me who has never "looked"? The guy has to do the "work" per se because I rarely understand what's going on in the first place. I don't pick up on things of this nature because there are people in general that are just simply nice. IMO men know what they want, and in my observations they will move heaven and earth to get it (career, relationship or both). Also IMO it's important to reciprocate should the man make his feelings known, or as in your words, "the first move". If it is meant to be it will take place, and if it's not it will die. According to my faith it's clear that the man finds his mate. Personally am uncomfortable with formal dating, it feels like one is under some sort of microscope, with the end game being an "all nighter", and that isn't happening, soooo.... It could be best to be friends first because either it's there or it isn't, and this way noone gets hurt, nor has unrealistic expectations. Friendship gives both people the chance to let the other know where they stand (should there be a stand of sorts) and allows one or both to bow out gracefully while still retaining the friendship. Not necessarily. Knowing someone well on a friendship bases is enough for you to develop deep feelings for them, and if those feelings aren't reciprocated, it can very easily damage the friendship irreparably. Continuing the friendship is a constant reminder to the rejected party and can greatly prolongue the healing process. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Some of the time I think I come off as clingy because I'll put the girl I'm on a date with/dating ahead of my friends or other stuff going on. My justification being that I can spend time with my friends anytime, I can't always hang out with a girl... Nope, not clingy IMO 49,000...most of my friends wouldn't have it any other way. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Not necessarily. Knowing someone well on a friendship bases is enough for you to develop deep feelings for them, and if those feelings aren't reciprocated, it can very easily damage the friendship irreparably. Continuing the friendship is a constant reminder to the rejected party and can greatly prolongue the healing process. For me, should "it be there" (feelings or attraction), if they are not reciprocated, I have the ability to block it off, and tune that portion out. Have always been the type that if they don't want me in that manor, then it's a done deal. Also, I don't catch on real easy:o, it's got to be blunt and in my face. I value friendship a lot, and if it's not in the cards (per se), I'm cool with that...that's just me though, and I totally see where you are coming from, because I have a lot of friends that carry your POV:) Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Retrospectively, I do recall some moments of trepidation, but generally felt positive about 'chasing'. Also retrospectively, I identified a marked potential and realized negative dynamic from that process, one that would haunt me in my M, in that it's becomes possible for a woman to let a man chase her; let him love her; let him marry her. That's a bit different, perhaps a muddied difference, from showing proactive and consistent 'chasing' of her own. The most proficient at the former can be very convincing. Life teaches lessons. CH, what is a marked potential:p Link to post Share on other sites
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