Coping Vortex Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Yes I broke NC again. I know I know. But this has just been too hard to go fully NC for me its not working. I'm having too many runaway thoughts of her. I haven't slept more than 2 hours a night for 11 weeks now. I needed to find some other way so I can function. My work and health is suffering. So I decided to reach out and say "Hi how are you?". We had some bread crumb texts form the afternoon into the night. Just about TV shows blah blah. she told me a story about a death of a girl she knew. Just mundane stuff. But.....when I broke NC in the past it was because I did want to talk to her and get back and now I have accepted she is gone for good and definitely not coming back. I don't like it, but it's reality and I have accepted that fact. Plus that by her bread crumbing me it reinforces to me that the girl I once knew is really gone. She is dead and buried and what I'm texting is a ghost of my former lover. Since she is dead, I am communicating with her through the neither world so to speak LOL! So my new plan to cope is to go LC. When I get bad enough that I get anxious I will contact her just to say "hi" and catch up. I don't like the friends zone and yes I'm feeding her ego but in reality who cares we are done for good anyway so what good is keeping my dignity anyway. For me now its about me. I need to cope. I spin illusions of her doing this or that with her new guy. I know her schedule so when i text her I know when to do it as when i do she is doing nothing special just doing mom stuff or watching TV. That way I can let the reality of everyday life wash away the rampant images of her being in an all night sex orgy. (just kidding)! Today I feel good. Not because I feel like I will get her back but because I controlled the runaway thoughts. So I'm hoping the strategy will work at least for the short term. This will eventually fade into to full NC and then all this suffering will be over.
FailedFirstLove Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 This strange enough sounds like what I'm doing... Only it's not turning out that way. I end up wanting to contact more and more. And when he says his busy it upsets me. Treats me coldly as well. I hope it works because NC did not work for me. I was closer and closer to the mental house.
GlassesSeventy Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I'm on day five of NC, and what you two are talking about sounds like exactly what I want to do, but the feeling of coldness I get when she says "speak to you later" after two texts is more than enough to put me off trying LC. 1
na49 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Today I feel good. Not because I feel like I will get her back I'm not so sure about this. I don't get what the motive is of being friends with her if she doesn't want you back? Is it so if she changes her mind, she'll know you're still available? Are you alright with the idea of her dating her new guy and having rough sex with him whispering in his ear that she loves him? If not. Then I think you're set to self destruct if you stay LC. but you know you better than anyone. So you do what's right brother.
Debbie2508 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I've been thinking of breaking NC today too, but mine's more of a fact finding,slightly missing you email, probably not a good idea, but I don't see how I can possibly hurt more than I do! This is gonna sound awful, Coping V so plz take in the spirit it's intended, but when you're "a bit older" than most on here, I think the rules are slightly different and it's not all about feeding egos etc. I'm fed up of playing games, I just want to know what's going on! Having said all that, I'm still unsure whether to send it or not..... and doubt I'll get a reply anyway.
Kenji Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Ever since my break-up in October, I've been lurking on these forums. I've thought about registering a few times, but I decided against it. However, you really pushed me over the edge because I had to implore you to stop what you're doing immediately. I apologize for my potential abrasiveness, but I do not believe you have completely accepted that it is over between the two of you. You're there in case she wants you back. I've been there before. I don't mean to pretend that I know you better than you do, but there have been plenty of times in which I believed myself to be the exception and was proven wrong. You do not need this girl to function. She is like a drug. You think you feel okay talking to her "just as friends." You think that's all you want. But once you get over that initial high, you'll come crashing down. I was once really excited to be texting my ex-girlfriend as a friend. I had fooled myself into thinking that I was okay with that. I valued our relationship in that way, but I learned that it would not satisfy me. I recognize your name from previous threads. She does not sound like someone I would want to be friends with. She used you in a horrible way. I know you miss the good times, but that's the past now. I hope you will be able to look back fondly on them, but you have to move on. I don't believe that texting her will help you. No Contact is designed to help you function without her. By texting her, you keep depending on her to make you happy. She is no longer obligated to do so, and you will be hurt because making you happy will not be her priority. I once kept my ex-girlfriend as a friend on Facebook. Everyone used to ask me why. I told them that when I see her with her new guy, it hurts, but it helps me to understand that she has moved on. I was wrong. It doesn't help. It hurts. That's all it does. I think you need to go back to No Contact. You cannot allow her to control your happiness anymore. I understand it is hard, but I don't think you should continue texting her. 8
thefooloftheyear Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I've been thinking of breaking NC today too, but mine's more of a fact finding,slightly missing you email, probably not a good idea, but I don't see how I can possibly hurt more than I do! This is gonna sound awful, Coping V so plz take in the spirit it's intended, but when you're "a bit older" than most on here, I think the rules are slightly different and it's not all about feeding egos etc. I'm fed up of playing games, I just want to know what's going on! Having said all that, I'm still unsure whether to send it or not..... and doubt I'll get a reply anyway. I agree.... I see the point of NC, but at the same time it seems like it could be a "game" Kind of a "Mexican Standoff" of sorts. I know its been said on this site numerous times, but I often wonder if the dumper has an epiphany and comes running back after a period of strict NC?? They say the only contact you want is that type of contact and everything else is just breadcrumbs and will only just let you down...I do see that point. Frankly Id rather just stay in NC then get some chicken**** blabber about nothing... Does it ever really happen(come running back admitting their mistake after NC), or is it just a foregone conclusion that you will never see them again?? TFOY
LostGirl11 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 No, no, no. I could quite easily do this because he wants to be friends. I didn't accept his offer. **** that. He doesn't deserve my time or friendship. Do you really want to be someone she just texts to pass some time?
incandescent Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 i have been in NC for a month now... and i too am having problems sleeping, only getting 3 odd hours most nights, its time to suck it up coping vortex... you HAVE to let her go, its not doing you any good... i wouldn't even do LC until a good half a year after BU if your REALLY feeling up to it. but then again, it is completely up to you, but having that limited contact there may give you false hope... get some nytol or something, may help with the sleeping issues.
puzzled1 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Shiittt... I feel like you are going to be disappointed. You are going to think she is "free" doing "mom stuff" but you wont get a respond back for an hour or 2 or even the next day and until then you will be more anxious than you are now. Change your contacts info to buzz kill (thats what I did) and every time I got a message from her, I deleted it or didnt read it for a long time...
ItxWillxGetxBetter Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Bad idea trying to maintain LC...trust me on this one. I had the same thoughts as you and trust me it turned out horribly. The thing is when you are in NC you dont know what the other person is up to and it helps you move on. Like the saying goes...ignorance is bliss. You can assume but you dont really know and sometimes thats a lot better then knowing the truth. Lets assume that you stay LC...and it goes on for a few months. A couple things will happen. You will still have feelings for her and if she has another guy in her life and tells you about it...you will be hating life. Lets say she doesnt tell you and she has a new guy in her life. The new guy is not going to like her texting her ex so she may cut you off and initiate NC herself. In both cases you lose. So why not do NC now, on your own terms and get this over with. One way or the other you will be hurt. The question is how bad and how long you want to prolong it? 3
flitzanu Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 you've now officially made her your drug of choice. every time you need a fix, you'll contact her. you're never off the drug if you don't stop using. you can't just "use meth on the weekends" and not be a drug addict, can you? 5
cavalier99 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 (edited) Bad...bad..bad..bad...bad..bad..bad..bad..bad horrible crazy idea. You feel ok because like and addict you got a hit. Soon you will come crashing down. You just need to go thru the pain. There are no shortcuts or weaning yourself off. You are making yourself her b*tch. You need to regain some self respect. And this isn't the way. If we weren't in cyberspace id arrange an intervention. Cav Edited January 31, 2013 by cavalier99
Yamcha Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Bad idea, Coping Vortex. The only way to stop the hurt is to stop the contact. There are a **** ton of better things to do than talk to someone who's just gonna hurt you in the end. She's just gonna throw you breadcrumbs anyways. What good are those? They are completely worthless. And what do you get in return? Nothing but prolonged pain.
Samilia Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 you can't just "use meth on the weekends" and not be a drug addict, can you? haha now that's funny
iouaname Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 (edited) We had some bread crumb texts form the afternoon into the night. Just about TV shows blah blah. she told me a story about a death of a girl she knew. Just mundane stuff.I don't think those are breadcrumbs - I think they're just conversation. In this case, she doesn't seem to be giving you any kind of false hope. While I do agree that exes can be kind of like a drug, some people view no contact as the end-all-be-all and only option to healing and I don't necessarily agree with that. The fact of the matter is that it's just not true. If it were, then nobody who kept in contact with their ex would have ever moved. It's simply the fastest and most effective way of moving on. Keeping in contact will simply make it harder to move on and keep you down for longer than necessary. That's kind of just a choice you have to make, but don't beat yourself up so much. Edited January 31, 2013 by iouaname 2
Author Coping Vortex Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 I'm at a sales meeting until Monday. I will update and respond to all of the advice then. I will say we did have some interesting texting last night. However no response today.
Simon Phoenix Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 I'm at a sales meeting until Monday. I will update and respond to all of the advice then. I will say we did have some interesting texting last night. However no response today. Interesting = you are building hope again to be knocked down again.
veggirl Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 I'm at a sales meeting until Monday. I will update and respond to all of the advice then. I will say we did have some interesting texting last night. However no response today. Yep isn't that how it usually goes? And it doesn't sound like "low contact" to be texting her that much....appears you got hooked again and are being let down, again.
crashvector Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 You are going to screw yourself in the end. Heed my warning...it isnt going to work.
Author Coping Vortex Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 Ok still at my meeting. I broke NC Tuesday and we breadcrumbed until that evening. The next day I did not contact her at all, for the whole day. Around 8 PM she texted me about a tv show and if I was going to watch it. We chit chatted for awhile then we started talking about times we spent together. Times we made love and she mentioned that she misses our sex and that it sounded like her new guy was not taking care of all of her needs in that department. She made sure I knew that I was way better then him in that department. Well good to know she is at least having to do without my skills lol. We talked about how we felt after some of our dates. And that at the height of our relationship we were so thrilled with each other that we couldn't out into words how we felt about each. We both had butterflies thought the relationship. I asked her if that was the most in love she ever was including her current relationship. She said an emphatic "yes!" Well.........I was leaving on a plane the next day Thursday, and left her a text to that effect. I checked my texts when I got of the plane. No text back from her. And none since. So she has dropped off the face of the earth again. So yes all of you are correct. She did it again. I guess I just don't understand how she could have been having a back and forth texting and even praising our relationship and then just disappear. Either don't start texting in the first place or at least say you are going NC and you will not be texting anymore. I don't get the disappearing act after she was fully engaged in the conversation. I know she owes me nothing. But c'mon how about some decency. I know all of will you will say that is typical but I have asked many women friends and none of them feel that makes sense to them. All felt her behavior was wacky to say the least. I guess I asked for it and she stuck it to me again. What happens to that girl I once loved. And still do. She is long gone.
Simon Phoenix Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Now will you please actually try and stick with NC? How many times do you have to have your head bashed in before you realize that running into a brick wall is a bad idea?
cavalier99 Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 (edited) Some girls like and thrive on attention from multiple guys. She has a down moment with BF (not you) and you are there to text and comfort her. Something interesting is going on with her new life. That is were her focus is and she falls off the face of the earth. Then back to you to whine to. You are one of her girlfriends now..always there to comfort her. This is not strange behaviour. I've been there and it makes perfect sense with a girl like this. The more guys texting her who are really interested the merrier. The whole problem is this doesn't hurt her. It hurts you. It is also demeaning to yourself. You cant feel very man like right now? How are you going to recover your manhood this way? Edited February 1, 2013 by cavalier99 1
NoLeafClover Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Vortex, I still don't understand why you'd want to be with someone who has already slept with another guy. I understand missing having someone there...but you're still feeding her ego knowing she's already been touched sexually from another guy. C'mon man be real to yourself. You know yourself better than that and being with someone who is doing this crap to you is the last person you'd want to be with. I think you should be glad this happened now. What if you were married and had kids with this person..then she goes and does this to you? If there is anything left for you to say it "Thank you for doing me a favor, now please stop contacting me because I can't/don't want to be friends with you. You should call and text your other guy because that is WHO you chose to be with." Do you think she tells the other guy he's annoying and that you're awesome? If she has even brought you up to him, would probably be just to tell him how bad you were in the relationship and how she walked out on you. Don't even text her back, she should not deserve the thought. I would of been much nicer but knowing she's already with someone else and you still hanging up on her..I raise my case. Go NC and sooner or later she will start to be bothered by it.
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