BondiGirl Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 **deep breath**. I am a married mother of 2 who embarked on an emotional affair with a platonic friend from approx 15 years ago. He dated 2 of my friends and we stayed friends after those relationships ran their course. There was always a little bit of chemistry but nothing major. At the start of Nov 2012 we ran into one another after 10 years and started chatting. We exchanged numbers and that was that. Out of the blue I received a text saying 'I fancy you -always did'. I responded and a text based flirtation began. Quickly it escalated to sexting and sharing personal 'stuff' about our partners, children etc. We are both married with 6 kids between us so we agreed nothing physical could happen. However it did - it was after home heavy 'sexting' and although i said no to begin with i allowed him into my marital home. The actual act wasn't romantic or satisfying and we both laughed about it afterwards but we both knew it was wrong and said so. Probably nerves. Now we've agreed that it was a mistake and we should never have gotten physical. Tonight I feel devastated, cheap, sick to my stomach at my behaviour. I really do have feelings for this guy but a line has to be drawn under it before anyone gets hurt. Can anyone relate to what I am feeling? I cannot talk to anyone close to me about this. Deep down I feel that it's not really over and if the opportunity presented itself we would make another mistake. Aaarrgghh. I am sooo confused!!!!! In an ideal world I could erase this. I miss his messages and chat. He is everything sexually my husband isn't but I love my husband with all my heart and would never leave him.
bentnotbroken Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 **deep breath**. I am a married mother of 2 who embarked on an emotional affair with a platonic friend from approx 15 years ago. He dated 2 of my friends and we stayed friends after those relationships ran their course. There was always a little bit of chemistry but nothing major. At the start of Nov 2012 we ran into one another after 10 years and started chatting. We exchanged numbers and that was that. Out of the blue I received a text saying 'I fancy you -always did'. I responded and a text based flirtation began. Quickly it escalated to sexting and sharing personal 'stuff' about our partners, children etc. We are both married with 6 kids between us so we agreed nothing physical could happen. However it did - it was after home heavy 'sexting' and although i said no to begin with i allowed him into my marital home. The actual act wasn't romantic or satisfying and we both laughed about it afterwards but we both knew it was wrong and said so. Probably nerves. Now we've agreed that it was a mistake and we should never have gotten physical. Tonight I feel devastated, cheap, sick to my stomach at my behaviour. I really do have feelings for this guy but a line has to be drawn under it before anyone gets hurt. Can anyone relate to what I am feeling? I cannot talk to anyone close to me about this. Deep down I feel that it's not really over and if the opportunity presented itself we would make another mistake. Aaarrgghh. I am sooo confused!!!!! In an ideal world I could erase this. I miss his messages and chat. He is everything sexually my husband isn't but I love my husband with all my heart and would never leave him. You would make another decision....mistakes aren't repeated if one feels they are wrong. They do everything in their power to make sure they will never be in that position again. I have to admit I have little sympathy for someone who brings another person into their family's home. That is one of the most disrespectful things that I can think of. 6
Confused3232 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 If you love your husband and would never leave him...then stop now. Grow up and think of your family not just yourself. 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 The question I saw was: Can anyone relate to what I am feeling? For me the answer is no. I would have ignored that first text since he was obviously looking for trouble. So I don't identify. This is a pretty BS(Betrayed Spouse) dominated forum. I usually recommend WSs(wayward spouses) go to a site called SurvivingInfidelity where they have a specific WS forum where you can find more people who are in or have been in your shoes. There you might find more people who answer your question with a "yes" and less people giving unsolicited advice and judgements. I'd help, but I'm not likely to be better than most of the BSs here when it comes right down to it.
SunshineToday Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Your husband is going to be devastated when he finds out and he will find out. So you can minimize his future pain (and yours and your other mans wife too)by stopping this now. So its gotten bad, you can stop it from getting worse. Hope you realise the way to save your marriage is to go NO CONTACT with the other man. Good luck!
Trinfire Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 You aren't going to get much sympathy around these parts. My suggestions are 1) Get counselling. You are obviously missing something with your current relationship that you found in this silly romp. You also appear to suffer from low self esteem if one text message can garner such interest. 2) If you are seriously regretful about this and will never do this again, tell your husband. Cut off contact with the OM, tell your husband that you want to work on your marriage (because there are apparent flaws) and go to couples counselling. If you are somewhat regretful and might do this again, tell your husband. Very quickly you'll either find that you've created a ****storm, maybe he'll leave you and take the kids with him, or maybe he'll try to work things out. But at least he'll know that you're uncommitted. 3) Prepare for the worst 3-5 years of your life.
TheGuard13 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 (edited) **deep breath**. I am a married mother of 2 who embarked on an emotional affair with a platonic friend from approx 15 years ago. He dated 2 of my friends and we stayed friends after those relationships ran their course. There was always a little bit of chemistry but nothing major. At the start of Nov 2012 we ran into one another after 10 years and started chatting. We exchanged numbers and that was that. Out of the blue I received a text saying 'I fancy you -always did'. I responded and a text based flirtation began. Quickly it escalated to sexting and sharing personal 'stuff' about our partners, children etc. We are both married with 6 kids between us so we agreed nothing physical could happen. However it did - it was after home heavy 'sexting' and although i said no to begin with i allowed him into my marital home. The actual act wasn't romantic or satisfying and we both laughed about it afterwards but we both knew it was wrong and said so. Probably nerves. Now we've agreed that it was a mistake and we should never have gotten physical. Tonight I feel devastated, cheap, sick to my stomach at my behaviour. I really do have feelings for this guy but a line has to be drawn under it before anyone gets hurt. Can anyone relate to what I am feeling? I cannot talk to anyone close to me about this. Deep down I feel that it's not really over and if the opportunity presented itself we would make another mistake. Aaarrgghh. I am sooo confused!!!!! In an ideal world I could erase this. I miss his messages and chat. He is everything sexually my husband isn't but I love my husband with all my heart and would never leave him. I think it's entirely possible to love someone with all your heart and make the wrong choice. I don't believe how much you love someone has everything to do with what choices you make, even if they are affected. I can somewhat relate...had something similar happen to me a few years ago. You made a mistake, and it seems that you recognize that you made that mistake and still feel awful, but you're obviously still caught in the afterglow of this other man's attentions, and the excitement of the emotional affair. You need to decide whether or not to tell your husband about this. I would imagine some counseling would definitely help, for both you and your marriage. You may wish to go to a counselor yourself first, if that's possible. You said "act". What exactly was the act in question? And you said that he was everything sexually that your husband isn't...what do you mean by that? I'm not so sure about the "worst 3-5 years of your life" bit, but understand that your husband could very well feel so betrayed and hurt over this that he will be unable to forgive you, move past this, and decide to lash out in anger or to leave you. That's why I think its a good idea to see a counselor yourself at least briefly before you decide what to do. You might need to be able to understand why you did what you did before you try to explain it to your husband. Edited January 30, 2013 by TheGuard13 1
drifter777 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 The advice you are getting to see a counselor is the best option for you right now. You need to sort out your feelings and understand what it is you want from life before you do anything else. Stop chatting/sexting/screwing the OM and don't tell your husband. If you decide you want to work on your marriage you may need to tell him about this but if not then why crush him with this knowledge?
Betrayed&Stayed Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 ... I love my husband with all my heart and would never leave him. But you love him enough to crush his world by screwing another man? Good luck trying to convince anyone, especially your husband and kids, of that big lie. Thank about it this way. You two (you and AP) just threw 6 innocent kids under the bus so you could have awkward sex. 8
Bryanp Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 You have to be honest with your husband. How would you feel if the roles were reversed? Not only did you have sex with another man and betrayed your husband but you had sex with him in your marital home. This shows total disrespect and scorn for your husband and your marriage. How could you think having sex with another man in your home was acceptable. In addition, you and your husband will now need to be tested for STD's. You need to: 1. Be honest with your husband since he has right to know. 2. Get into individual therapy as soon as possible to understand why you would engage in such behavior and why you would wish to humiliate your husband in such a manner. 1
TiredFamilyGuy Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Go no contact and stick to it. Think about why you did this, how you let it happen Tell your H. Or follow the cheaters manual, let No Contact lapse, do it again, end up getting caught and blowing it all sky-high. Or just live a life of selfish deceit. Your call.
BetrayedH Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 If you value your marriage, restore it. Go no contact with the other man. Be firm. Threaten exposure to his wife if he doesn't stop completely. Get into individual counseling and find the courage to come clean with your husband. Don't think you can have a satisfying sex life with your husband? You are wrong. It takes work. Most of all, it takes a level of honesty that you haven't given him since you started this affair and probably didn't before either (about what you want and need in the bedroom). I can guarantee that your husband would enjoy a spiced-up sex life. You should be sexting him. You have a serious problem. Fix it. You either dig out of the rabbit hole or go further in. Which will it be? If you want out, we can help you.
NotCamelot Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 You don't mention whether you've talked to your husband about your dissatisfaction with your sex life. I think you have not. You should. Almost all of those issues can be "fixed".....or at least get to a much better point. However, what you did was wrong....and you know it. That is why you feel the way you do. How you choose to proceed is up to you. But you say you truly love your husband. Well.....let's ask this....if HE did what you did, would you want to know about it? Would you want his "girlfriend's" husband to know? Most people would say YES to both of these. Honestly answer these two things and proceed the same is if your husaband was the cheater instead of you. He deserves to know. And, if you really mean to stay with him......immediate no contact with you affair partner. Zero. Of course, you should tell him that you two are to never contact each other again...IN THE PRESENCE OF YOUR HUSBAND. And, if you really can't do this, then tell your kids why Mom has to move out and not see them everyday. Can you do that? I'm sorry to sound brutal or harsh, but there is NO excuse for cheating on your spouse. Escpecially sex!
nofool4u Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 **deep breath**. I am a married mother of 2 who embarked on an emotional affair with a platonic friend from approx 15 years ago. Well you now know that friendship is over and you are to have no contact with him any longer, right? Now we've agreed that it was a mistake and we should never have gotten physical. Tonight I feel devastated, cheap, sick to my stomach at my behaviour. I really do have feelings for this guy but a line has to be drawn under it before anyone gets hurt. It doesn't make much sense to draw a line that you already crossed. Can anyone relate to what I am feeling? I cannot talk to anyone close to me about this. Deep down I feel that it's not really over and if the opportunity presented itself we would make another mistake. Aaarrgghh. I am sooo confused!!!!! In an ideal world I could erase this. I miss his messages and chat. He is everything sexually my husband isn't but I love my husband with all my heart and would never leave him. So what are you going to do? Keep your loving husband in the dark? I think he deserves to know the truth, and know exactly to what he is married. So what do you plan to do? If you plan to never leave your husband, then for starters, the OM needs to know that you two can NEVER have any kind of contact again EVER. I say this with all sincerity, grow up. Being married and raising a family is not for the weak, selfish, or insecure. Of course this other guy was exciting when you have been with the same man for an extended period of time. But if you can't handle that, then you don't need to be married. Which is why I say if you don't want to leave your husband, then you need to grow up.
nofool4u Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Ok, now that whatever word Pokey used was deemed demeaning, maybe now Blondi can focus on the demeaning of the husband and just what this kind of betrayal will do to him. I think she needs her feet held to the fire. If she wants a good slap upside the head to stop this, then telling her husband the truth will accomplish this. Then she won't be so distraught over the loss of the sex with OM if she thinks she will lose her family.
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