g.l.a.m. Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Hi, I've no ides where to start so here goes. My first post so please be gentle!! Ok, a month ago i found a couple of emails on my wifes phone. She'd sent a pic of herself (just a regular pic of her smiling, nothing sexual) to a guy at her work. I confronted her about it and she told me he'd been emailing her back and forth, compliments on how good she looked, nice her hair was, stuff about work. after my shock i managed to talk to her about what was happening. She said she feels i don't see her anymore for who she is, that i only see her as a wife and a mother to our 2 boys. She's been feeling unappreciated for a few months now unbeknown to me and this 'emotional affair' if that's what your call it started a few weeks ago. Who knows where it was going.?!?!. this guys is married with 2 kids too. She's told me she's stopped all contact with him and hasn't received any further contact from him. I believe her. We've been married for 13 yrs. i'm 36, she's 34. we've 2 kids under 9. we had what i thought was 'everything', nice house, good jobs, disposable income, holidays, friends. Living the dream!!. that was till this bomb was dropped. She i've apologised for losing sight of her, given her assurances that i'll change, told her i see this as an opportunity to make what we had better and stronger. She says that all sounds good but she doesnt know what she wants. I don't think it's actually this guy, more that what couold be out there. if that makes sence?. We've been to see a counceller who basically said i need to stop pursuing her and she needs to decide what she wants before we can work on anything. I've told her how much she means to me which is 'everything', I don;t know what i can do / say to open her up. She has pretty much closed up to all my emotional contact. She say she still loves me and wants this to work but that it feels so different now. How can i open her up, try to reconnect with her. Any constructive help / comments / experiences are greatly appreciated. It's as if she's not letting my love in, and i'm pouring it out but the constant rejection is killing me. Help please!!!!!
DelUK Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Hi I feel for your position. Ive been there as many others have on this forum. Im 12 months on from your position. All I can do is share my experience. Yours may pan out differently, I hope it does. Beware the other man. She may say she has had no recent contact but do not take this as the truth. If she is in the emotional fog of feelings for another, albeit at an early stage, she will lie, if it serves her purpose. My partner had an EA, and completely changed almost overnight. She lied to all. You would not have believed it. Quietly look for signs of contact, be vigilant. Make sure your senses are sharp and alert. Secondly, I suggest backing off. Shes mixed up. My partner was and I should have backed off big style but found myself constantly seeking her love etc and it didn't work. I should have backed off, almost been indifferent to it. Yes, let her know of your love but day to day, back off and give her space. Its hard I know but you need to do this. Only talk of your relationship when she initiates it. Good luck. I hope it ends well. Play the cards you are dealt. Time is your friend.
HurtingHeart1 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Do NOT believe her!!!! She has just changed forms of communication, you can tell, just see how she is acting. It will not stop after the first time you catch her, she will find him as a forbidden pleasure now because you do not approve. Keep looking, wait, and let her do something physical, so you do not get screwed in the divorce. Just the way I see it.
SB17 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I'm gonna have to disagree with the other posters here. I've been where you are and now I think I handled it all wrong doing the 'jealous, I've got my eye on you thing'. If you really love your wife then listen to what she has to say. She feels negleted as a woman and is looking for validation that she is more than a wife and mother. A little flirting can be healty for anyone. So maybe you could do a little flirting yourself (with her of course). If you decide to trust her, then trust her. Don't go through her e-mails or play detective looking for "signs". Let her know that you still find her alluring. And not just by telling her, show her. Her flirting with some random guy might be just some fantasy which ultimately could be harmless to you and good for her. Uber-jealousy is unattractive and could make things worse. Try looking at her from a new perpective, as if you are meeting her for the first time and see what happens. Good luck! This doesn't have to be the beginning of the end. It could just be a new beginning.
96nole Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Don't believe her about not contacting him again. She is deep in the affair fog. Even if it is not a physical affair.(yet) She hasn't stopped thinking about him. She likes that she is being pursued. And this guy knows exactly how to play her. In this fog she is pretty again. There are no crying kids to tend to, clean up after, cook for, bills to pay, a husband that doesn't "appreciate" her or God forbids, see her as a wife and mother (which she is) Unfortunately, the fog hides reality. If she were to go to the other man, she would now have more kids to deal with (yours and his) ex spouses to deal with, and all the other trappings of LIFE. She is confused, and the counselor is correct in to stop chasing her. If she is closed off right now, chasing too hard will push her away. Let her know that you lover her, still find her attractive, and is a good mother. But you will not be a door mat waiting to be walked on continuously. If she still is wavering back and forth about you or the other guy or some other guy, then hand her a bag of clothes and send her on her way. Right now she has everything, but doesn't realize it. Maybe seeing what she will really lose will snap her back to reality.
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