wmrjw82 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Ive been dating this girl for about 3 weeks. I'm 31 and she's 28... I've been hurt in the past. Things always seem to go in the same cycle for me. Honeymoon in the beginning, problems arise, girl leaves me. Usually relationships dont last longer than 6 months for me. I have a 3 year old son now and I dont want to be the only one hurt when (if) she leaves. I just want to figure out what I do wrong to make the girl leave. In the past its usually been something as little as video games, but I dont even play those anymore. The results are always the same... I end up staying and getting hurt because I feel people should work on problems instead of just leaving. In this current relationship no problems have arisen. I dont too put too much thought into that or that we are "perfect" for each other because I know this is the honey moon phase. While it feels good, I know eventually, problems will arise. What is it that makes a girl want to stay and work on things as opposed to just dropping a guy? What does a girl consider when making these decisions? If I need to step it up in some department, maybe I should figure it out. I know its NOT sex. I'm not cocky but i'm really good, really regular and VERY giving. I love going down on a girl and usually give more than I receive. Anyways...any thoughts on this subject would be greatly appreciated. I want to break my old cycles and make this one last for me and my son!
Samilia Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 For me it's often that the guy officialises us too soon, he makes plans, say "we" when he talks about the future, forgets to have his own thing going, etc..
pbjbear Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 (edited) Ive been dating this girl for about 3 weeks. I'm 31 and she's 28... I've been hurt in the past. Things always seem to go in the same cycle for me. Honeymoon in the beginning, problems arise, girl leaves me. Usually relationships dont last longer than 6 months for me. I have a 3 year old son now and I dont want to be the only one hurt when (if) she leaves. I just want to figure out what I do wrong to make the girl leave. In the past its usually been something as little as video games, but I dont even play those anymore. The results are always the same... I end up staying and getting hurt because I feel people should work on problems instead of just leaving. In this current relationship no problems have arisen. I dont too put too much thought into that or that we are "perfect" for each other because I know this is the honey moon phase. While it feels good, I know eventually, problems will arise. What is it that makes a girl want to stay and work on things as opposed to just dropping a guy? What does a girl consider when making these decisions? If I need to step it up in some department, maybe I should figure it out. I know its NOT sex. I'm not cocky but i'm really good, really regular and VERY giving. I love going down on a girl and usually give more than I receive. Anyways...any thoughts on this subject would be greatly appreciated. I want to break my old cycles and make this one last for me and my son! Question. The girl who left you over you playing video games, did she bring it up? Did you change your behavior or at least have a good discussion about it after she brought it up? I dated someone once who played video games too much and it affected our dating, I said something, he didnt change, I decided I didnt want to date a little boy and moved on. A girls standards and expectations affect whether she will leave you or not and nothing you do will change that outside of meeting those standards and expectations. Some people have high standards some dont. For example, no one will ever talk me into having sex with them before I am ready, staying with a cheater, abuser or liar, someone who is disrespectful on a daily basis, stuff like that. Some girls can have weird expectations, just depends. But also, the ability to communicate and resolve conflicts affects how long a relationship will last. No matter how perfect someone is, if these 2 skills arent used a relationship will end. No perfect relationship exists, problems will arise, how you handle them makes a big difference. Some people run away from problems that could be fixed with good communication and proper conflict resolution but some problems are dealbreakers to women Edited January 30, 2013 by pbjbear
SJC2008 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I'm not one to plug so I'll give you a hint to a good book that may help you. "No more mr rice guy", I'm sure you can figure it out lol.
rushingwaters Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 This is my raw and honest opinion. Feel free to agree or disagree with me. 1. You have to make her feel special. Give her sincere and verbal compliments every once in a while (not everyday). Even if it's on things you think she already knows. Sometimes it's nice for a girl to hear. 2. If there is something you want, do not be afraid to communicate it to her. A lot of "nice" guys always do things the way his girlfriend likes it. While this is sweet, the girl does not know about his "sacrifices" and assumes that those are his preferences as well. This leaves you feeling overworked in the relationship and will lead her into thinking that you like A + B + C when you really like D + E + F, which will lead to future problems. A relationship needs to be balanced. Both the guy AND the girl have to be invested. If a girl is not willing to invest in a relationship, this is an early sign that it will not last. 3. Warning: this part is very controversial advice and may bless you with gold or curse you with acid rain >>> Assuming that one of your previous relationships did not end horribly and you are both mature (use your own judgement), email one of your ex. Tell her that you are in love with your current girlfriend, you want things to work out with her, and you want to be a "better man". Ask if she has any advice and thank her when she replies. Do NOT turn this into a long conversation where you two reminisce about the past (this is VERY important). I also specifically said email so that you have a record of your conversation in case your girlfriend suspects that you are cheating. I suggested #3 because a random stranger in an online forum is probably not going to be able to tell you what YOU could personally do to make your current relationship last. Ask your family and friends for advice too. In a nutshell, communication is key. If you love her, you can't assume that she knows. You have to tell her and show her. Good luck
Casablanca Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 What sort of "problems" arise after the honeymoon period in the past?
Author wmrjw82 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 For me it's often that the guy officialises us too soon, he makes plans, say "we" when he talks about the future, forgets to have his own thing going, etc.. True. I need to watch this. We have both stated that we want to go slow, but things have been going really smooth. I mean, I met her at a work holiday party (i'm no longer w/ the company) and then met her parents on the first date. It wasn't weird or anything... she just happened to be in town w/ them at the time and again, everything went really smooth and they really like me. The following week I thought I would introduce her to my parents and my son. My son is crazy about her and my parents really liked her. Question. The girl who left you over you playing video games, did she bring it up? Did you change your behavior or at least have a good discussion about it after she brought it up? I dated someone once who played video games too much and it affected our dating, I said something, he didnt change, I decided I didnt want to date a little boy and moved on. If I recall, they might have said a thing or two about it, but never made it a big deal. It was more of an annoyance to them. At the time, I really loved my video games and I did nothing about it. Probably my fault... I'm not one to plug so I'll give you a hint to a good book that may help you. "No more mr rice guy", I'm sure you can figure it out lol. I actually have this book! Maybe I should give it another read... if I remember correctly though, the author just came off as bitter. Anybody else get this impression? Maybe I read too much into his advice... This is my raw and honest opinion. Feel free to agree or disagree with me. 1. You have to make her feel special. Give her sincere and verbal compliments every once in a while (not everyday). Even if it's on things you think she already knows. Sometimes it's nice for a girl to hear. 2. If there is something you want, do not be afraid to communicate it to her. A lot of "nice" guys always do things the way his girlfriend likes it. While this is sweet, the girl does not know about his "sacrifices" and assumes that those are his preferences as well. This leaves you feeling overworked in the relationship and will lead her into thinking that you like A + B + C when you really like D + E + F, which will lead to future problems. A relationship needs to be balanced. Both the guy AND the girl have to be invested. If a girl is not willing to invest in a relationship, this is an early sign that it will not last. 3. Warning: this part is very controversial advice and may bless you with gold or curse you with acid rain >>> Assuming that one of your previous relationships did not end horribly and you are both mature (use your own judgement), email one of your ex. Tell her that you are in love with your current girlfriend, you want things to work out with her, and you want to be a "better man". Ask if she has any advice and thank her when she replies. Do NOT turn this into a long conversation where you two reminisce about the past (this is VERY important). I also specifically said email so that you have a record of your conversation in case your girlfriend suspects that you are cheating. I suggested #3 because a random stranger in an online forum is probably not going to be able to tell you what YOU could personally do to make your current relationship last. Ask your family and friends for advice too. In a nutshell, communication is key. If you love her, you can't assume that she knows. You have to tell her and show her. Good luck Thank you for this post. I probably wont give #3 a try simply because i'm not friends or on speaking terms with any of my exs. #2 really hits home because it does annoy me a little w/ this girl that she doesn't go down on me as much as I do her (she's done it once for a few seconds vs. 10-15mins for her each time... I love making her feel good but I like oral too!) Didn't really know how to approach this w/ her though. Also, money is tight for me right now and she knows it yet i've been paying for everything. I wish she would help out more in that dept. Again, looking for a way to approach this nicely... What sort of "problems" arise after the honeymoon period in the past? One girl said I didn't have any friends outside of her (which I didn't at the time)...another was the video game playing... another was just plain arguing because we were around each other all the time and began to fight. Now that I recall I believe the friends issue might have been big. I've since made lots of friends and maybe I should make it a point to go out w/ them more. Right now its just hard because she lives an hour and a half a way so we make it a point to see each other every weekend. The time apart I believe is good for us right now as it keeps things in perspective and we dont swarm each other. She does plan on moving here to my town in a few months and thats when we might run into problems. I think I need to make it a point to make time w/ my friends when that time arises. How do I approach this? Thoughts? Thanks for all the responses!
Casablanca Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 One girl said I didn't have any friends outside of her (which I didn't at the time)...another was the video game playing... another was just plain arguing because we were around each other all the time and began to fight. Now that I recall I believe the friends issue might have been big. I've since made lots of friends and maybe I should make it a point to go out w/ them more. Right now its just hard because she lives an hour and a half a way so we make it a point to see each other every weekend. The time apart I believe is good for us right now as it keeps things in perspective and we dont swarm each other. She does plan on moving here to my town in a few months and thats when we might run into problems. I think I need to make it a point to make time w/ my friends when that time arises. How do I approach this? Thoughts? Thanks for all the responses! The friends thing can be an issue, I can see how someone might see it as a red flag...the video games one is dumb unless you played them instead of being with her....the last one is the biggest, gotta take it slow, so being apart is probably good for you two at the moment, so you don't rush and get too much of each other right away and spoil it... Just go with the flow, and hope it works out...
SJC2008 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I actually have this book! Maybe I should give it another read... if I remember correctly though, the author just came off as bitter. It's got some insightful stuff but it confused me too. I didn't pick up on the bitterness but it did have some eyebrow raisers that really confused me, especially the sex part where he made it seem like trying to please your partner was a bad thing and it puts pressure on them?? The thng that caught my eye is that you seem to be moving really fast. You met her parents by coinsidence, fine. But you introduced her to your parents and son already. You've been dating 3 weeks and are calling it a relationship. Too much too soon IMO.
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