. Hurt.

[BondiGirl]

**deep breath**. I am a married mother of 2 who embarked on an emotional affair with a platonic friend from years ago. He dated 2 of my friends and we stayed friends after those relationships ran their course. There was always a little bit of chemistry but nothing major. At the start of Nov 2012 we ran into one another after 10 years and started chatting. We exchanged numbers and that was that. Out of the blue I received a text saying 'I fancy you -always did'. I responded and a flirtation began. Quickly it escalated to sexting and sharing personal 'stuff'. We are both married with 6 kids between us so we agreed nothing physical could happen. However it did. Wasn't romantic or satisfying and we both laughed afterwards. Probably nerves. Now we've agreed that it was a mistake and we should never have gotten physical. Now I feel devastated, cheap, sick to my stomach at my behaviour. I really do have feelings for this guy but a line has to be drawn under it before anyone gets hurt. Can anyone relate to what I am feeling? I cannot talk to anyone close to me about this. Deep down I feel that it's not really over and if the opportunity presented itself we would make another mistake. Aaarrgghh. I am sooo confused!!!!!

[betterdeal]

What do you want to happen?

[BondiGirl]

I really don't know... I enjoyed the flirtation but didn't really want a full blown affair. We only drew a line under it a few hours ago so I am still processing it. So far I've felt angry, sad, betrayed, guilty, back to mad... I just wish we hadn't got physical.

[Chi townD]

Well, usually when people cheat, they rarely use protection and considering that this guy has been with two of your of your friend and who knows who else (and you admitted that it was a spur of the moment thing), you need to go to the Doctor and get checked for STD's and soon.

 

Now, you need to get your baseline HIV drawn, but the chances of it coming back positive this soon after exposure is slim to none. Therefore, you'll need a draw at the 6 month mark, 9 month mark and the 12 month mark. Then, you're in the clear. Until that time, your husband is going to have to use condoms for his own protection.

 

And because of this, I think you need to tell him what happened.

[betterdeal]

Okay, my view is this: your situation is not unusual and many people have done similar. In the long run, your future probably lies with your children, and your husband. But this indiscretion may have identified something dissatisfying about your current life. If you could have the same flirtatiousness and feelings you had with this old flame, but with your husband, how would that sit with you?

[BondiGirl]

I am married to a Minister - he would not condone this sort of behaviour or be able to make me feel how this other person did. It has been so far removed from my normal life that it was exciting. I love my husband but he is a very difficult and complex man.

[Chi townD]

Okay....so you have no intention of telling your husband then.....

[BondiGirl]

I am considering it but not tonight. I have to think how to put it to him. He knows this person through mutual friends so I have to be careful. I did use precautions as the last thing I needed to worry about was pregnancy/STDs. If I could erase it I would - now I have to deal with these feelings. I have to look this good man in the face every day knowing I have broken my wedding vows and I am not proud.

[Chi townD]

Well, you're coming to a site where the majority of us has been devistated by the same actions you did on your husband, myself included.

 

If you are truely sorry and remorseful about what you did, then you HAVE to cut contact with this other person, like, RIGHT NOW! And you're going to have to find the guts to let your husband know what happened.. And please don't tell him that you did it because HE didn't do this or HE didn't make you feel this way or that.....bottomline, this isn't his fault. You made the choice to cheat, he had nothing to do with that. You willingly allowed another man, that wasn't your husband, inside you. He didn't force your hand in that decision.

 

And sooner or later, you're going to have to tell him and endure the pain that you're going to see in his eyes. And witness his anger, and see the strongest man in your life crumble and probably cry. Funny how one little "mistake" can cause so much damage.

 

If you don't tell him, then your marriage is a lie. There's always going to be a huge elephant in the room and he won't know why. And you will start to push your husband away. He'll come home with some flowers for you one day, and you'll have the hardest time accepting them, because you'll feel that you don't deserve them.

 

This is something you rally need to consider. And if you're afraid that your going to lose him. Well, sorry to come across as an ass, but I'm sure he didn't want you cheating on him either. You were in the drivers seat when you decided to cheat. Now, he'll be in the driver's seat deciding which direction this relationship is heading. You have no say in the matter.

[BondiGirl]

I understand and agree that it is not his fault at all. I lay awake last night watching him sleep and I wanted to punch myself for jeopordising everything that means so much to me. The thought of his face crumpling makes me sick.... Thank you for your words. You have given me food for thought. The 'other' guy has taken a work contract o/seas for 12 weeks so I will make sure I have NC with him at all. I cannot believe how stupid I have been.

[incandescent]

wow, keeping him in the dark like that... if you loved your husband surely you wouldn't have cheated? no respect... my PERSONAL opinion is that you tell him, whatever the outcome... if the roles were reversed, how would you feel?

[BondiGirl]

I will tell him tonight. Not sure how to begin or how much to tell him.

[Inviv_girl]

WOW!! First thing, what were you thinking when you're f*ck!ng him?? sorry, even when you start to flirt with him, dont you think about your kids? his kids? Your husband? his wife? and the outcome when the "thing" happened...

 

Are you aware that both of you can cause broken family? your kids heart will be broken also and they maybe will put grudge for you for betraying their father and family. maybe you feel great with the sex (I dont know) but if you ask yourself, deep down there in your heart dont you feel guilty at all for your family? even his family?

 

You should STOP any contact with him RIGHT NOW! otherwise if you think what you do is "right" then go ahead, be the person who break your family into pieces and get on with your life, see if this "fling" do you good for the long run.

[BondiGirl]

I think it's pretty apparent that we were not thinking about anyone else but ourselves. We only had sex once and then decided we couldn't do it again and it had been a mistake. We both agreed that it was best to draw a line under it for our partners sake as we know we were wrong. He is going o/seas and I have deleted his phone number and email address so there will be NC. I said I would still be his friend (I don't really mean it but it was a people pleasing moment) although that is not possible. His reasons for ending it were different to mine. He didn't want it to escalate whereas I knew I had made a mistake. My children come first and I could not take their daddy away from them - he would not cope. This is the most stupid thing I could ever have done. I just don't see a way out of this mess I have made in a moment of weakness.

[BeholdtheMan]

I will tell him tonight. Not sure how to begin or how much to tell him.

Just ask yourself this question: If the situation were reversed, how would you want him to treat you? Would you want him to

 

A. feed you half-truths in an attempt to minimise damage

or

B. honestly tell you what he did and let you decide whether you'd like to keep him despite his betrayal of your trust

 

I highly doubt you'd want him to go with A

[BondiGirl]

I still am thinking about it.... We are actually getting on really well and for the first time in a while having fun together. Do I shatter that??

[TaraMaiden]

I understand and agree that it is not his fault at all. I lay awake last night watching him sleep and I wanted to punch myself for jeopordising everything that means so much to me. The thought of his face crumpling makes me sick.... Thank you for your words. You have given me food for thought. The 'other' guy has taken a work contract o/seas for 12 weeks so I will make sure I have NC with him at all. I cannot believe how stupid I have been.

 

Please remember that your Husband has as much to answer for, for the state of your marriage as you have.

 

The FAULT this event occurred is entirely yours. Entirely. There is no other way round that.

 

But the RESPONSIBILITY for looking after the marriage, keeping it buoyant, tended, nurtured and validated, falls on both you, and your Husband.

 

A Relationship is a 50/50 responsibility thing, and both partners are 100% responsible for the care, maintenance, polishing and upkeep of their part. There is no imbalance here, just as there cannot be only one member in a relationship of two. It's clean down the middle...

 

So 'Responsibility' is different to 'blame'.....Blame can be massively disproportional.

 

No only do you need to be open and honest with your husband about what happened, but when the dust has settled, I would strongly advocate you discuss counselling, because there can only be one reason why you sought validation outside of your marriage - you weren't getting what you needed, inside it.

 

Again, that's not your Husband's 'fault'.

he may not even realise that there's anything that needs addressing.

Which, if he's a Minister, would surprise me, because Ministers probably deal with married couple issues fairly frequently, I would assume.

 

But when you're in the thick of it, it's easy to take your eyes off the spinning plates, and not realise some of them are precariously wobbling.....

 

Communication is essential, but it involves listening as well as being able to articulately verbalise what ails you.

He may not have been 'listening'. Or you may not have been 'verbalising' skilfully.

 

Whatever the situation, you need to both examine your relationship, and seek the cause.

The affair was 'simply' the symptom.

 

It will take work.

It will depend on how much you both want to work.

And be warned here and now:

Finding the cause, will not necessarily mean that effecting a remedy will be simple.

Finding the cause - doesn't cure it.

 

And, as they say - 'Tis part of the cure to wish to be cured."......

[BondiGirl]

I've been a SAHM for almost 3 years now. We moved to be closer to family and its a disaster. My husband works long hours, is married to his job and is a very complex man. These are not excuses for what I did - merely a catalyst. My husband is a very affectionate man but is a manipulator. He is very moody, sulks, takes the opposite point of view from me when we are in company but I do love him. He's a very hands on dad but emotionally could do a lot better. About 6 years ago we went to couples counseling and he was told that I was at breaking point as I was juggling my very demanding role plus running our home with little input. His family are very dominating and have never accepted me. Eventually I did break and ended up on anti depressants. This all happened on his 40th birthday and rather than being supportive he told me it would go down as his worst birthday ever. FWD to now and we are back in my home town, I hate it here - that's why I left all those years ago, I'm alone a huge part of the day with my kids - I guess it was bound to happen. No matter what else has gone on before I love my husband but I cannot understand why I am mourning something so short with the OM. Maybe it was a self esteem issue.... I don't know. When the OP comes back from his o/seas contract we will be living one street away from one another and our kids will go to the same nursery. Our paths will cross at some point. This man and my husband know one another and get on well but are not buddies. What a freaking mess!!

[TaraMaiden]

I've been a SAHM for almost 3 years now. We moved to be closer to family and its a disaster. My husband works long hours, is married to his job and is a very complex man. These are not excuses for what I did - merely a catalyst. My husband is a very affectionate man but is a manipulator. He is very moody, sulks, takes the opposite point of view from me when we are in company but I do love him. He's a very hands on dad but emotionally could do a lot better. About 6 years ago we went to couples counseling and he was told that I was at breaking point as I was juggling my very demanding role plus running our home with little input. His family are very dominating and have never accepted me. Eventually I did break and ended up on anti depressants. This all happened on his 40th birthday and rather than being supportive he told me it would go down as his worst birthday ever. FWD to now and we are back in my home town, I hate it here - that's why I left all those years ago, I'm alone a huge part of the day with my kids - I guess it was bound to happen. No matter what else has gone on before I love my husband but I cannot understand why I am mourning something so short with the OM. Maybe it was a self esteem issue.... I don't know. When the OP comes back from his o/seas contract we will be living one street away from one another and our kids will go to the same nursery. Our paths will cross at some point. This man and my husband know one another and get on well but are not buddies. What a freaking mess!!

 

The reason you're mourning something so short with the OM, is that - no matter how brief it was, anything was better to you, than the marriage you're in.

You're obviously deeply unhappy.

In view of your latest post, MC will do nothing for you.

 

You may need to reach far down into your boots to do this, but -

 

I think you should file for divorce.

 

By all means tell your H. you were unfaithful, and tell him that it was as a result of how unhappy you've been, for so long - but that you take full blame for it.

However, staying married to him will change nothing, improve nothing and won';t get you thanks form anyone.

Including your children.

All they see is a dysfunction, and two parents who seem to be okay with that.

 

you need to extricate yourself from this relationship.

Based on your first post, I responded as appropriately as i could.

 

Based on your second post, I'm doing likewise.

 

leave this marriage.

 

It's not a marriage it's a façade. A sham. and something that cannot stand on its own merit.

[NoLeafClover]

How can you say your husband is a manipulator and all that other stuff...like you just realized that and on accident you tripped and slipped on the other guys xxx..

C'mon, don't be the typical cheater that tries to justify her/his actions by putting down the other partner down. That's very low regardless of how bad of a husband he is.

I don't know what's worse, being cheated on, or have my wife talk about how bad I am as a husband trying to justify her cheating.

 

On the other hand, the sun does look bright for you if you live in the states.

By law, you should be entitled to 50% of his asssets and more if you two divorce.

 

Now isn't that nice

[TaraMaiden]

How can you say your husband is a manipulator and all that other stuff...like you just realized that and on accident you tripped and slipped on the other guys xxx..

C'mon, don't be the typical cheater that tries to justify her/his actions by putting down the other partner down. That's very low regardless of how bad of a husband he is.

I don't know what's worse, being cheated on, or have my wife talk about how bad I am as a husband trying to justify her cheating.

 

On the other hand, the sun does look bright for you if you live in the states.

By law, you should be entitled to 50% of his asssets and more if you two divorce.

 

Now isn't that nice

 

Oh for god's sake, grow up.

 

People put up with endless displays of poor behaviour from their spouses, regardless of gender.

This forum is full of people who have been dumped, and complain about the treatment they received, but they'd go back to their exes at a drop of a hat - and we urge them to stay No Contact, the guy is a swine/the gal is a bitch, why would you want to go back after the way they treated you.....

 

This really isn't all that different.

 

The sad thing is, she stayed, and put up with it, already went through counselling, had no resolution from that, and then found something that distracted her.

I don't approve of affairs.

The OP herself, doesn't approve of what she did either, so don't read and cherry-pick....

 

It's highly possible her husband is as much of a schyte as she describes.

I used to know three families whose fathers were all men of the cloth (Not catholic, naturally) and they all had personality disorders.

Truly, they did,

I can fully see how her husband would be the way he is.

it really literally is as if they feel they have some God-given right to behave the way they do, because they're 'respectable pillars of society' so they can do no wrong.

One of them used to beat his wife regularly. Carefully avoiding here face, he inflicted so many bruises that she often couldn't sit down.

The whole thing came to light when she finally had to go to hospital because he had dislocated her shoulder.

 

As things are here, it's not sounding good - and your patronising and somewhat biased comments really mean nothing but simply convey a jaded view.

Sad for you.

Edited February 2, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[BondiGirl]

On the other hand, the sun does look bright for you if you live in the states.

By law, you should be entitled to 50% of his asssets and more if you two divorce.

 

Now isn't that nice

 

FYI I don't give 2 hoots about 50% of anything - he can have the lot. I was the bread winner before his chosen path and my late fathers money bought everything we own and paid off his student loans.