2long Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 He's been married four times?? That's not commitment, that's a hobby. -ol' 2long
Author marguerite Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 I wish I didn't feel so stuck here. I am starting to see a new therapist today and have soooo much to discuss! I wanted to say thank you for all the helpful advice, which is very hard to follow! I slip many times. I think I need to live on this site so next time (ya I did it again last night) I start begging him to tell me about the reason for the phone call(s) I can come here instead and have someone talk some sense into me!!!
96nole Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I am number 4. Wondering how many he told the truth about why they split! #1 - The ONE no one can live up to her - she would never take him back. He said he cheated on her and regrets it still. She lives about 4 hours away and they have 3 grown kids and one grandson.. They still talk about the kids. #2 - Married briefly have one grown daughter. she lives about 4 hours away and she hates him and has nothing to do with him. He said they split because her family didn't like him They didn't split because of her family not liking him. That's bullsh*t. She left because he is an overbearing a$$. #3 - We don't know where she is. She took their daughter and split with no one knowing where she is. He said they split because of her family too. not that they didn't like him, but the kept interfering in their marriage. I know he told me that they broke up and got back together many times. BULLSH*T! She left for the same reason as wife #2. Was wife #2 the one he cheated with on wife #1? He seems very controlling. I don't think you're going to get an answer from him that will satisfy you. He doesn't seem to think very highly of women.
BetrayedH Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I wish I didn't feel so stuck here. I am starting to see a new therapist today and have soooo much to discuss! I wanted to say thank you for all the helpful advice, which is very hard to follow! I slip many times. I think I need to live on this site so next time (ya I did it again last night) I start begging him to tell me about the reason for the phone call(s) I can come here instead and have someone talk some sense into me!!! I can't believe he hasn't even bothered to come up with a bull**** explanation. He sounds like a real peach, Marguerite. He's so used to getting divorced that the threat of it doesn't even phase him. Good luck with the new therapist. I hope she's a good one. You're going to need some solid counsel to deal with this asshat.
Author marguerite Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 Was wife #2 the one he cheated with on wife #1? He seems very controlling. I don't think you're going to get aan answer from him that will satisfy you. He doesn't seem to think very highly of women. No wife # 2 wasn't the one he cheated on wife # 1 with. And I doubt I would believe anything he tells me about the calls anyways. No I have started to think that women are just a piece of ass to him
Author marguerite Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 So no sex lead to.... "if you arn't gonna act like a wife yoi might as well be an ex-wife" my response... "Well you are the one making that choice not me" He left for the day and took our 4 year old with him - I think as a threat like you can leave but you r not taking the child. He came back and.acted normal. I went to bed at 1 am and clung to my side of the bed where I would normally cuddle. After 10 min he came over to my side - kinda groping so I pushed him away. Feeling doubtfut right now and having a hard tume with proof! Should I just ask her?
Author marguerite Posted February 16, 2013 Author Posted February 16, 2013 Ok another update...earlier tonight he is getting all kissy with me and I once again back away from his advances. He goes off again about being bitchy and I once again say well I asked u a question you refuse to answer so there is no point in pretending we like each other right now. He is still not getting that I am not backing down this time. So I am on my phone reading posts on this board and he asks what I am doing so I told him the truth! So he responds he should.go and do the.same because I take along time to get home from work. I ignore the comment. I decide to come to this post and read him some of your comments (not the good spy tips though). He gets defensive with all of them! But then it happened...he said I can tell you why its simple but you don't want to hear it - so I say ummmm that is what I have been asking you for all along. He said "last year on my brothers birthday when we were at the bar OW was there with her friend and we all played pool and had a good so I called to ask if she wanted to come down and play some pool" He also called his brother in front of me and mentioned that I still thought he was cheating OW. Not sure why because I couldn't hear the other side of the conversation. Now my first gut reaction was I am PISSED you think this ok! And I say really because you NEVER ask me to go anywhere and if we go somewhere we have kids with us or we go out to eat and go right home. And its not like I don't ask him, he always says no. I asked what she said to this invite and said something like she was in a different town shopping. He says see I told you you didn't want to hear it - but now you know I am not cheating on you!!!! I flip out a little and tell him that it is cheating and its worse than just screwing. AGAIN - am I over reacting? I am looking at it as he called and asked her on a date, is that the wrong way to take that? I wanna go get her interpretation of this call in the morning.
2sunny Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 You're not over reacting. He cheats. He lies. Why would that be considered a good husband? And he seems terribly disrespectful and mean. Only a complete ********* tells a wife she'll be his ex if she doesn't deliver him sex whenever he demands it. I'd NEVER think that behavior was loving. He's just an a$$. Not too smart showing him your info here - it should be your safe place... Good luck. 1
Author marguerite Posted February 16, 2013 Author Posted February 16, 2013 You're not over reacting. He cheats. He lies. Why would that be considered a good husband? And he seems terribly disrespectful and mean. Only a complete ********* tells a wife she'll be his ex if she doesn't deliver him sex whenever he demands it. I'd NEVER think that behavior was loving. He's just an a$$. Not too smart showing him your info here - it should be your safe place... Good luck. I didn't show him I read parts of some posts. He doesn't even know the name of the site. Plus he is not comfortable on computers at all and I only access the site on my phone. Plus it got him to give me a reason for the phone call :-)
BetrayedH Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 I honestly think that perhaps the biggest problem is what a jerk he is overall. His comments about doing your wifely duties are over the top to me. It's clear that he thinks he's your parent by regulating what information you're able to handle. That's pretty disrespectful. The fact that he was ultimately hiding a woman from you is pretty telling about his willingness to lie to about, well, other women. I don't see any reason not to (calmly) ask the other woman about it all. I wouldn't put her on he defensive. In fact, I would do the opposite. I would come to her as a woman with some doubts about her husband, just hoping for some truth. You might find a sympathetic ear. Keep in mind, of course, that she could also lie and it could be an elaborate one that they've concocted together since you've been suspiscious about those calls. I just think it's worth asking because you might get, "Oh yeah, he called me all flirty one night wanting me to come and play pool. I blew him off. He's hitting on women in that bar all the time."
ComingInHot Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 Marguerite; What has the phone log prooved? You did review it right?
Author marguerite Posted February 16, 2013 Author Posted February 16, 2013 Marguerite; What has the phone log prooved? You did review it right? I can't get his phone anymore. He either hid or threw away (i checked the trash and found nothing) he phone bill and he does not have an online acct for me to see the bill online.
ComingInHot Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 Does that sit well w/you? I take it you Do Not have a joint phone account?.? When you REALLY want to Know, You'll find out...
BetrayedH Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 I can't get his phone anymore. He either hid or threw away (i checked the trash and found nothing) he phone bill and he does not have an online acct for me to see the bill online. Gee, that's not a red flag at all.
Author marguerite Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 I think as long as you continue to let this flaming as*shole openly deceive you right in front of your eyes, things are never going to change. You supposedly 'make your stand' by having a mini tantrum and when he calls your bluff by telling you to leave, you turn around and tell the jerkoff "that's your decision, not mine." You're just telling him you want to stay with him but you're going to have your little fit. Big damned deal. You've accomplished NOTHING. This loser is such a waste of skin. Seriously, stop being this buttmunch's floormat. He treats you the crappy way he does because he CAN. But you seem ok with it so I don't know why you're here looking for advice. Just_a_poster - Maybe I just thought this was a safe place to get my thoughts out and get advice from those that have been there done that? I stated before it was really hard for me, But thanks for making me.feel safe and welcome to come here. To all the others that have given me support and advice I thank you so much! I am sorry I am not sure which poster suggested looking up gaslighting - but I am so glad for your advice becauae this fits him and our relationship from day one. Now I know and I am armed with so much useful info and things I can discuss with my therapist.. Again Thanks so much - but I cannot take abusive comments here too so I will say goodbye and good luck to all of you.
JourneyLady Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Hmmm maybe I shoulda been gone a long time ago but he is so good at convincing me I am the crazy one. There's a name for it. It's called gaslighting. After a movie by the same name. (Watch it if you get the chance. Even more fun - watch it with him and gage his reaction. ) 1
BetrayedH Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Just_a_poster - Maybe I just thought this was a safe place to get my thoughts out and get advice from those that have been there done that? I stated before it was really hard for me, But thanks for making me.feel safe and welcome to come here. To all the others that have given me support and advice I thank you so much! I am sorry I am not sure which poster suggested looking up gaslighting - but I am so glad for your advice becauae this fits him and our relationship from day one. Now I know and I am armed with so much useful info and things I can discuss with my therapist.. Again Thanks so much - but I cannot take abusive comments here too so I will say goodbye and good luck to all of you. That's very unfortunate. I understand about not wanting to get beat up here. I was just about crucified for trying to reconcile with my cheating wife. It was gawd-awful and I got called every name in the book - doormat, cuckold. It got old in a hurry. But I hope you will reconsider. The trick is to take what works for you and to leave the rest. There is also an "ignore" feature you can use that blocks you from seeing posts by users that you put on your ignore list. For the record, I think I'm the one that filled you in on gaslighting and I hope you stick around. If you do find that he's been cheating, you'll need the support. I got better counsel here than from any therapist and sometimes the harsh stuff was what I needed to hear, whether I liked it or not. 1
Author marguerite Posted February 24, 2013 Author Posted February 24, 2013 That's very unfortunate. I understand about not wanting to get beat up here. I was just about crucified for trying to reconcile with my cheating wife. It was gawd-awful and I got called every name in the book - doormat, cuckold. It got old in a hurry. But I hope you will reconsider. The trick is to take what works for you and to leave the rest. There is also an "ignore" feature you can use that blocks you from seeing posts by users that you put on your ignore list. For the record, I think I'm the one that filled you in on gaslighting and I hope you stick around. If you do find that he's been cheating, you'll need the support. I got better counsel here than from any therapist and sometimes the harsh stuff was what I needed to hear, whether I liked it or not. U r right I can just ignore! I like it here and do appreciate the comments even the hard to swallow ones. 1
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