marguerite Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Hi I am new here and in need of advice. My dh left his phone with me to charge and I picked it up and sooped! He had calls to an aquaintenance of ours both in coming and out going. (I didn't even know he had her number) The call that got to me was the one he made to her while he was out having a beer with his brother at the local VFW (where the brother ditched him by the way) When I asked about it he yelled something and said he was not going to talk about stupid insecure issues I am having. Now here we are I am mad he thinks everything should be the way it was and I have no right to be angry!! So I should get over it and continue our life (meaning sex life) as usual. Am I being irrational???
Decorative Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Hi I am new here and in need of advice. My dh left his phone with me to charge and I picked it up and sooped! He had calls to an aquaintenance of ours both in coming and out going. (I didn't even know he had her number) The call that got to me was the one he made to her while he was out having a beer with his brother at the local VFW (where the brother ditched him by the way) When I asked about it he yelled something and said he was not going to talk about stupid insecure issues I am having. Now here we are I am mad he thinks everything should be the way it was and I have no right to be angry!! So I should get over it and continue our life (meaning sex life) as usual. Am I being irrational??? Nope. Listen to your gut. His reaction is way out of proportion for an innocent spouse. An innocent spouse would be horrified that you thought such a thing. not angry. Concerned, and trying to help you feel better. The anger is a tell. 12
96nole Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Is there a special event coming up that he could possibly be secretly planning for you and would be getting her help with? If not, his getting angry is not a good sign. It does not mean there is something going on. But you may want to start looking for other clues or signs.
Spark1111 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 have access to the phone bill? Start there. 2
Trinfire Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Reaction not in line with remorseful spouse, at all. Doesn't prove anything, but I would have my radar on full time at this point. 1
ComingInHot Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 My husband reacted the same way. Yelled at me about being insecure, crazy, irrational, not trusting, you name it. I was becoming the "bad guy" and the cause of him becoming unhappy in our marriage. I actually started doubting myself, my instincts, my feelings. It was absolutely awful!! He was cheating. Put your sleuth hat on and start digging. Get his passwords, check emails both sent and deleted (check for a restore deleted messages feature buried in the email functions)*. Check phone bill going back three or more months. Check his Everything!! Do NOT let him "brow-beat" you into compliance!! If need be... follow him on one of his outings or surprise him for lunch** grab his phone when he's asleep. I'm riled up cause I don't want to have happen to you what happened to me!! 5
BetrayedH Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 You don't have much to go on just yet. However, the betrayed spouses here have learned to "trust your gut." The fact that you're posting here means something inside you is telling you something is "off." His reaction is also a big concern, as others have mentioned. If my wife had ever been concerned with a phone call she saw on my list, my reaction would be to give a quick and honest explanation to alleviate her unfounded fears. I would quickly exonerate myself for her benefit and my own. Being angry is nonsensical unless you have a history of unfounded jealousy. What is likely is that he is doing something called, gaslighting. Instead of a providing a simple explanation, the tables are turned against you and you're made to feel like you are the one that's "crazy." It's a very common tactic designed to get you to back off when he has something to hide. Remember, those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. As Spark mentioned, I would start by looking at the phone bill. I would also look at financial records and his internet history. Does he hide his phone? Is it password protected? Always on him, even in the bathroom? Does he text a lot? Searching through a phone is probably the #1 way we see people busted here. Some people even have a second pre-paid phone that they may keep in the car. Take a look at some of these things and please let us know what you find. 2
TheOW Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I would say yes, he would mention he was calling her or receiving calls from her if there was nothing to hide. If your gut says yes that is most likely the answer.
Ninja'sHusband Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Overblown anger at me trying to figure out what was going on was also a big sign that I completely ignored. I'll never forget how furious and panicked she got when I asked for a friend's phone # so I could call her when she was A)out past midnight from a class that usually ends @8:30PM or B)Won't answer her cell phone (presumably dead or muffled inside her purse) She eventually gave me the #, with trembling hands. Such massive red flags....what an idiot I was. Months later when I was reviewing a private FB conversation between her an the OMM, she says to him "might be tight- I do probably need to be home by midnight". Guess she wizened up:rolleyes: 1
Author marguerite Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 Is there a special event coming up that he could possibly be secretly planning for you and would be getting her help with? If not, his getting angry is not a good sign. It does not mean there is something going on. But you may want to start looking for other clues or signs. Nope - he does not do stuff like that. Also she is just an aquaintenance - his dad works at a resteraunt she waitresses at (her parents own) So she isn't someone that would know me well enogh to plan something for me.
Author marguerite Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 I will investigate and check back in. He doesn't like/get computers - so no hiding stuff there. He does take his phone everywhere (it is on his belt) but he does talk in the bathroom sometimes. Also his phone stays attached to his belt all night on the chair next to his side of the bed so it is nearly impossible to get it (he is a light sleeper) He owns his business.and runs it from home so while I am at work all day he is either here or at a job site (he doesn't tell me about his jobs often). I work 30 minutes from home so I can't even come home on lunch because I don't have time. Also I wish this was the first time something like this has happened, but a very similar thing happened a couple years ago - but he had me convinced I was a crazy lady and I didn't know what I was talking about (same as now, except I believed him then) Now that I am thinking of it about a year or so before that there was this other phone incident that I almost left him over, with a woman he dated bedore we met. Hmmm maybe I shoulda been gone a long time ago but he is so good at convincing me I am the crazy one.
ComingInHot Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Do you have any vacation days or could you call in sick a couple days (on your way to work so husband doesn't know) then do a little recon on the comings & goings of people from your home? Then you could daily surprise him for lunch saying you got off early or something... Listen, you ARE a Woman, yes??!! Work what you got sugar! Remember who and what you were before captain poopy pants started his slow destruction of your self worth!! I swear people, this man could be doing nothing wrong and I still want to knock him out... I don't know why. I'm sorry OP, I think you maybe write things that are setting off subconcious triggers**
BetrayedH Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I will investigate and check back in. He doesn't like/get computers - so no hiding stuff there. He does take his phone everywhere (it is on his belt) but he does talk in the bathroom sometimes. Also his phone stays attached to his belt all night on the chair next to his side of the bed so it is nearly impossible to get it (he is a light sleeper) He owns his business.and runs it from home so while I am at work all day he is either here or at a job site (he doesn't tell me about his jobs often). I work 30 minutes from home so I can't even come home on lunch because I don't have time. Also I wish this was the first time something like this has happened, but a very similar thing happened a couple years ago - but he had me convinced I was a crazy lady and I didn't know what I was talking about (same as now, except I believed him then) Now that I am thinking of it about a year or so before that there was this other phone incident that I almost left him over, with a woman he dated bedore we met. Hmmm maybe I shoulda been gone a long time ago but he is so good at convincing me I am the crazy one. Trust me, we have a lot more investigative tools we can share with you. But they are a bit more invasive and we still don't have anything beyond two unexplained phone calls. Let's see how you do with his phone, internet, and financial records first. If you find any red flags, we can help you get to the truth. 1
BetrayedH Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Do you have any vacation days or could you call in sick a couple days (on your way to work so husband doesn't know) then do a little recon on the comings & goings of people from your home? Then you could daily surprise him for lunch saying you got off early or something... Listen, you ARE a Woman, yes??!! Work what you got sugar! Remember who and what you were before captain poopy pants started his slow destruction of your self worth!! I swear people, this man could be doing nothing wrong and I still want to knock him out... I don't know why. I'm sorry OP, I think you maybe write things that are setting off subconcious triggers** Because he sounds like your husband during his captain poopy pants days. You standing up for yourself was awesome. 1
ComingInHot Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 BetrayedH; Me thinks you are correct. Plus he way she is writing sound a bit how I Was when he treated me like her husband is treating her... and I'm pms'd so That doesn't help...tmi?! 1
Author marguerite Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 As I was leaving for work this morning he came upstairs and I wnet to kiss him good by and he pulls away so I ask what's up with that and he says you should know you are the one with the attitude, so I say all I want is an answer to my question and then the attitude would be gone - he just grumbled something and I left. This evening we were sitting at the dinner table and he said something about us and I said whatever!!! So he says that I need to get f*****g over this s**t and do it quickly so I said nope not this time, I want my question answered or I am going to keep being a b***h. So he says well then you might as well move on and I say not moving you can move. So he says what f*****g question are you talking about? And I said you best think I am important enough to remeber a simple question - well I ended the conversation because the kids were sitting down at the table now. Well kids are in bed and he said nothing. He passed out on the couch then just got up and went down to the bedroom. And one again the question gets avoided until another inconvenient time.
ComingInHot Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 get his phone. Or hop on the computer w/one of your phone bills and get to your account. Check the call log. It's either Do something while you're up Or fester all night. (Nobody likes it when I fester... ) 2
BetrayedH Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 I say just grab the phone. What's he going to do about it? If he gets physical about grabbing it, that would seem fishy to me. What does he have to hide?
BetrayedH Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 And yes, what about the phone bills, internet history, and financial records? Have you checked them?
2sunny Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Look up gas lighting - that's what he's doing. He acts like an a$$ - he's hiding something - could be many things... You could put a voice activated recorder in his office area and see what gets recorded while your gone. Or you could just tell him to leave since he's not willing to act in a decent, honest and respectful manner to his wife!
Author marguerite Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 You all have awesome ideas! I am going to try to get the phone bill tonight. I am frustrated this morning because he tried to have sex and I just can't so he said I need to start acting like a wife or I can leave and again I said I am not leaving! I said all I asked is one question and I need that answered before I can feel comfortable having sex. He goes off about not being grilled like a child and what kind of wife goes through her husbands phone and he never put up with this **** from his ex's and he ain't putting up with it from me either! I said he can go through my phone, purse, jacket, car whatever anytime he wants because I don't I have nothing to hide. Soooo fustrated right now.
ComingInHot Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 We'll be here no matter what you discover. If there is nothing on the bill then he's being a prig just to be a prig. S Things will Still have to change!! You're a Wife not a punching bag or door mat!! 1
BetrayedH Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 I wonder how many exes he plans on racking up. He's working on adding Marguerite to the list.
Author marguerite Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 I wonder how many exes he plans on racking up. He's working on adding Marguerite to the list. I am number 4. Wondering how many he told the truth about why they split! #1 - The ONE no one can live up to her - she would never take him back. He said he cheated on her and regrets it still. She lives about 4 hours away and they have 3 grown kids and one grandson.. They still talk about the kids. #2 - Married briefly have one grown daughter. she lives about 4 hours away and she hates him and has nothing to do with him. He said they split because her family didn't like him #3 - We don't know where she is. She took their daughter and split with no one knowing where she is. He said they split because of her family too. not that they didn't like him, but the kept interfering in their marriage. I know he told me that they broke up and got back together many times.
BetrayedH Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Yep. Confronting does little but reveal to him that he needs to delete crap, clean up his phone, etc.. Counterproductive. Go back to acting normal. But with a mysterious female problem that prevents sex (uti, yeast infection, spotting - those all work). 1
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