venusianx13 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 (edited) I'm having a difficult time with my son in regards to him suddenly becoming fixated on speaking to my ex (not his father). To explain briefly: I was with a guy for nearly 6 years. First two - three years were good, we thought we'd end up getting married. We were both around 23/24 when we met, and my son was 2. We indeed got engaged when we were 25, but a lot of things changed over the next couple of years and the relationship took a turn for the worse. He ended up hiding a drug addiction from me, cheating, lying, and so forth. The last two years of our relationship were so on and off, and so riddled with toxicity, that I did not involve my son with him. He was emotionally unstable, and while I hoped he would clean up his drug addiction, he didn't. My son saw him maybe 4 times during that two years. I understand it was ridiculous and very destructive of me to stay in the relationship at that point, and it eventually ended, but the majority of the "fizzling out" had happened during those two awful years. It wasn't terribly hard for me to get over, and my son didn't really seem too concerned about it when he figured things out. He went on with life as per usual, and I healed, and eventually met someone truly wonderful. I'd say about two months ago, my son started bringing up my ex. He wanted to know if he could see him. It came as quite a shock to me, as this was quite sudden. I explained to him that he'd moved away (as he truly had), and that I didn't think it was a good idea. I didn't tell him this, but the truth is, my ex never really cared for my son, or anyone else for that matter. The only person he ever cared about was himself. In the end, his emotional state was so volatile, that once the actual break-up happened, he made verbal threats toward me about me, my family and pets. I've tried my best to convey this to my son as gently as possible, but he won't leave it alone, and he seems genuinely upset. He keeps saying, "But he loved me, didn't he?" It's breaking my heart. Another monkey-wrench in my trying to lay this issue to rest is that my son's father thinks he should take it upon himself to contact my ex for our son. I've told him several times that I was against this, yet HE won't leave it alone. I want as much as he does for our son to have closure, to feel better, but I've explained why I don't think a meeting should take place. I don't know what to do. I've sent my son for some counseling at school, and am waiting to see if we can get to the bottom of this sudden fixation. In regards to his father contacting my ex, I feel completely powerless because he will do what he wants, whether or not I like it. Even amidst an explanation of my reservations, my words fall on deaf ears. Any suggestions, insight? Even if you aren't familiar with situations such as this, sometimes the opinions of those who aren't involved bring some sort of clarity. Edited January 30, 2013 by venusianx13
Radu Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I'd talk to a lawyer. This is not about embarassment, this is to keep a potentially emotionally dangerous person from a little child. And from what i remember of your boy's father, he isn't exactly that filled with common sense ... 1
Author venusianx13 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 You're right, Radu. And I actually think he might be making it harder for me to close the lid on this one for our son. Apparently, his dad has even gone so far as to say he'd take him to see him (the ex) sometime. ?? This is what my son has said to me, and I was far from happy to hear that. And this is coming from a guy who has involved about 6 women so far with our son. I don't know how to give my son closure, though. I feel so awful that he's hurting, and I just don't understand why it's all of a sudden. My ex has been out of the picture for about a year and a half.
Radu Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Didn't your son meet your bf relatively recent ? PS: I was going to make a comment about your son's father, but i think it's pretty clear what he is ...
Author venusianx13 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 Well, my boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months already, and my son met him a little over two months into our relationship, specifically because we were/are serious and planning a future together. If that weren't the case, such as with the guys I dated before my boyfriend, I never would have involved him. He adores my son, and is a fantastic role model for him (and most importantly, I trust him).
Radu Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I'm just wondering if him meeting your bf might have somewhat triggered this need in him. 1
Author venusianx13 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 That crossed my mind, also. I'm not sure why it would, though, because rather than simply tolerate having my son around, my boyfriend actually LOVES doing things with him. He takes him to do laser tag, bowling, etc., watches cartoons and such with him, plays games... whereas my ex, during whatever limited contacted he had with my son, just seemed to be bothered by the presence of a child. It's like night and day.
turnera Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 He's at an age now where he understands that this NEW guy will be disrupting his life with you, and it upsets him. Not in terms of fun things, but in his PLACE in your life. So he's searching for a better guy, one he's familiar with. You need to find the money to get him to a real therapist, not just a school counselor (bottom of the rung, no offense to any school counselors out there). Find a good child psychologist; this is too many men in his life and he needs help sorting it out.
Author venusianx13 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 The school counselor was only a first step... and this ex thing has been only part of the problem. About my ex, though, he was never really involved with my son. He was far too immature to handle being a good role model, so their interactions were few and far between. I was pretty naive, though, and thought he'd grow up and into the role of being a step-parent. Clearly, he never did. My current boyfriend is the exact opposite of this, however, you may be right, as this only seems to be an issue on my end, whereas his father has been with many women, all of whom have spent significant time with our son. I was always opposed to this, but it's not illegal... I had always been much more careful, or so I thought, in regards to this kind of stuff. My boyfriend is only the second guy I've ever introduced my son to. But the fact that we are serious and are clearly in the process of combining our lives slowly but surely - I think this may be concerning to my son, and that may be where the difference lies.
gaius Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I know when I wanted to talk to my real father who I never met as a kid, my mother let me write him a letter. Which he never responded to. It gave me the clarity I needed and I dropped the issue. Maybe if this guy is as uninterested with your son as you think, your son will get the same result I did and the situation will resolve itself naturally. I think if you keep denying him any attempt at contact whatsoever he will just end up resenting you for it.
Recommended Posts