past sex partners sending random texts to fiance's phone and still on her facebook

[subliminal]

Ok, so ill be the first to admit I'm a bit insecure in this situation. My fiance and I have a wonderful relationship as far as enjoying each others company, living together and we have amazing sex. We fight just like any other couple over stupid stuff and get on each others nerves too. I grew up with her older brother and her and I were acquaintances in Jr high. So we reconciled after 13 years and totally fell for each other. I had literally just come out of a horrible relationship with an arch enemy of hers that she didn't realize I was with until we had started talking. She knew I had a past and I also knew she Did and we both agreed we could both overlook that. At times she would razz me about it and I didn't care because I'd just razz her back about the people I knew she has slept with, most of which I know and am friends or acquainted with including her ex husband and have no issues with.

 

Ok so here is where I get aggrevated. There have been 2 guys she had fwb flings with that she has in her phone and on fb. The first guy is called "Daytons finest" he texted her several times trying to hook up and saying he doesn't care about me and some really graphic details of what he wants to do to her. She ignored it at first and then after telling him to stop and me getting upset to the point of having to tell her to block his # a few times she blocks it. Ok so he's still on her fb.

Meanwhile everything is good with a few random texts from a few other guys and about 5 calls that she never answered from guy number 2 that she had casual sex with but was on love with her but was in the friend zone and there for her through a past relationship. One dat her and I were just looking at pics in our phones and he happens to be a few of them totally nude. She deleted them without hesitation. Ok so I let her know I really wasn't comfortable with her friendship with him because of the things she told me about him and how he was in love with her. So last Sunday, we are sitting together on the couch watching tv when a text from "jersey boy" comes in saying "I love you" we were on her fb on her phone when it came through and she was shocked as was I, not to mention, livid and wanting answers. I got up and told her she needs to text him back or something to find out why this txt came in. She just said I'm deleting the text. I told her I needed closure as to why and would areciate it if she would either text him back and or delete him from her life Being she doesnt want to talk to him and says he's a major douche. She tried being lovely dovey and kissing on me but refused to delete him from fb and her phone. So after a crappy night, she realized she should txt him because it bothered me alot. His excuse was that his niece got his phone and txt her and he's sorry that I got pissed. As she was kissing on me she said how about if he does it again ill txt him back. I told her I felt like enough is enough and I'd feel a lot better eliating the problem now and forever. She still wouldn't. So he's still on her fb and phone. It's more of a principal of the matter. I feel that this dude is not a threat, but I know that if the situation was reversed she would be totally pissed too. The difference is I would and actually have eliminated every possible girl from my past that could cause this problem. I feel like if our relationship was as important as it seems, she would do whatever it takes because thats what I'd do. What do you all think.

[TaraMaiden]

Why does she feel the need to hang on to these guys?

Is it an ego boost?

 

I would consider having people like that in my life completely unacceptable.

She has blurred boundaries and she gets a high from the attention.

 

Receiving texts of that nature indicates to me that she hasn't told them what is acceptable and what isn't - but to me, in a relationship, such comments would never even surface, or be tolerated. I don't invite attention like that.

She's obviously the kind of gal who does...

 

There's nothing wrong with flirting, saucy texts and innuendo... but when you're in a relationship with someone, then you respect that person and deal with things in a very precise and definite way.

It seems to me from where I'm sitting, that, while she knows they're overstepping the mark, she's reluctant to cut them off completely, because she likes the attention.

 

Not good. IMHO.....

[veggirl]

Sounds like she keeps a harem of backups in case things don't work out with you. Hope you don't ever truly piss her off. I would never date someone who kept "friends" around like that.

[CarrieT]

How old are you guys?

[subliminal]

We are 32, like I said, I have no reason to doubt her, shes an amazing woman and I know Sge cares for me deeply. The main problem we have is stubborness on both sides and ill admit I can let my anger rage at Times but so does she. I'm not trying ti be controlling, I just want to be respected how I respect her. It sounds immature according to a family member and I agree, but I truly feel like I shouldn't even have to ask her. I know she wants nothing to do with him, I trust that, so why keep him under your wing

[CarrieT]

I asked your ages because, honestly, you two sounded like you were in your early 20s and I would have heartily recommended you not even consider marriage for at least a decade.

 

Seeing as you guys are in your thirties, it seems like you both should go through some anger management classes as well as extensive pre-marital counseling.

 

You say you fight like any other couple and get on each others' nerves, but not everyone fights and, frankly, there is something wrong with the dynamic that has to be addressed before you two consider marriage. If she doesn't see that, you shouldn't marry her.

[subliminal]

I don't think she keeps a bunch of guys under her wing. She tells ne the past is the past, move on. It's the pot calling the kettle black. I'll admit I am not an easy person to deal with when I'm not happy. She feels like no matter what she does Sge cant make me happy. Honestly she does make me very happy, It's just her stubborness and unwillingness ti compromise that gets me. I'm always the first to apologize, even if I'm not the one who is totally wrong, I accept my responsibility in any fight or other action. This is something hard for her. She has the It's my way or the highway attitude, which is hard for an independent person who has always been love it or leave it. I'm a control.freak when it comes to me, I'm not trying to be controlling to her, I just need her help in this situation. My whole world revolves around her and her family, and we generally always do what she wants and I don't mind, because all I wanna do is please her and make her happy. She expressed that she us the same way last night, but she feels as though I nit pick and nothing she does is good enough. Idk I'm willing to fight for her, I never want to fight with her, but our disagreements are often blown way out of proportion. Like I said, when we are good its absolutely amazing, but when were bad It's terrible!

[subliminal]

I asked your ages because, honestly, you two sounded like you were in your early 20s and I would have heartily recommended you not even consider marriage for at least a decade.

 

Seeing as you guys are in your thirties, it seems like you both should go through some anger management classes as well as extensive pre-marital counseling.

 

You say you fight like any other couple and get on each others' nerves, but not everyone fights and, frankly, there is something wrong with the dynamic that has to be addressed before you two consider marriage. If she doesn't see that, you shouldn't marry her.

Thanks! She wants me to go see a counselor, I'm totally willing, I'm bi polar and prob need something to help mellow me out. I asked her to go too, she says she went last summer just before we met because her ex demanded she go so she Did. They told her she was fine. So she is very very resistant to go with me.

[subliminal]

Pardon my typos, I'm using my phone to post while I'm at work.

[subliminal]

One more thing that wasn't clear in the op... Daytons finest, the first guy, deleted her after I messaged him on Facebook after he kept harassing her. I didnt want to tell her to block him and I feel maybe I crossed her boundaries in that situation but dude sent her a friend request and can Stoll conta er if he wants. I know she wants nothing to do with him but I feel she could easily rid all of it!

[subliminal]

Why does she feel the need to hang on to these guys?

Is it an ego boost?

 

I would consider having people like that in my life completely unacceptable.

She has blurred boundaries and she gets a high from the attention.

 

Receiving texts of that nature indicates to me that she hasn't told them what is acceptable and what isn't - but to me, in a relationship, such comments would never even surface, or be tolerated. I don't invite attention like that.

She's obviously the kind of gal who does...

 

There's nothing wrong with flirting, saucy texts and innuendo... but when you're in a relationship with someone, then you respect that person and deal with things in a very precise and definite way.

It seems to me from where I'm sitting, that, while she knows they're overstepping the mark, she's reluctant to cut them off completely, because she likes the attention.

 

Not good. IMHO.....

 

Thank you, this is exactly how I feel.

[veggirl]

Um if the past is the past, why doesn't SHE move on by not bringing it into YOUR present anymore? By keeping these dudes as "friends" she has made her past the present.

[subliminal]

Um if the past is the past, why doesn't SHE move on by not bringing it into YOUR present anymore? By keeping these dudes as "friends" she has made her past the present.

 

I sent her almost that exact statememt as a text last night!

[subliminal]

Now I will say, she doesnt hang out with them or even contact them, its just a matter of principal. Not control, jealousy or total insecurity. This situation does make me a bit insecure simply because I feel disrespected!

[Radu]

Why do you want to marry this girl ?

 

Let's be stone cold about this.

 

She is 32 but has the emotional development of an 18yr old; you want kids with her ?

Do you actually think she will be a good mother when she's this stubborn ?

You two have communication problems and from your description, they are quite a lot from her.

She just plain and simple doesn't have the maturity of her biological age.

A marriage is all about compromises, but so far you are the one who compromises.

 

And let's say she realises this, she has an epiphany of sorts and decides to change.

How many yrs will this take, i can tell you that it will pretty much take many yrs and she will need incredible willpower to pull it off.

How old will she be then ?

 

Cut your losses and run, and start learning how to be less of a wuss, learn how not to put her on a damn pedestal.

 

TM and CT were right, you two will not have a happy relationship ... and you need to find out why you are willing to put up with this kind of crap.

I wonder if you had this sort of relationship before, attracted to this kind of 'stubborn' woman ?

[todreaminblue]

tara maiden said it all when you are in a serious relationship boundaries need to be defined and not crossed or played with,its all about respect and the fact you are taken, the only attention you should need or want comes from your partner, you dont or shouldnt need or even desire external validation or you arent serious......deb

[subliminal]

Why do you want to marry this girl ?

 

Let's be stone cold about this.

 

She is 32 but has the emotional development of an 18yr old; you want kids with her ?

Do you actually think she will be a good mother when she's this stubborn ?

You two have communication problems and from your description, they are quite a lot from her.

She just plain and simple doesn't have the maturity of her biological age.

A marriage is all about compromises, but so far you are the one who compromises.

 

And let's say she realises this, she has an epiphany of sorts and decides to change.

How many yrs will this take, i can tell you that it will pretty much take many yrs and she will need incredible willpower to pull it off.

How old will she be then ?

 

Cut your losses and run, and start learning how to be less of a wuss, learn how not to put her on a damn pedestal.

 

TM and CT were right, you two will not have a happy relationship ... and you need to find out why you are willing to put up with this kind of crap.

I wonder if you had this sort of relationship before, attracted to this kind of 'stubborn' woman ?

 

You may be right, and I myself am not innocent in the fact of always communicating effectively and handling every situation in a mature mannor. I storm off when I'm angry and leave her hoping she will reach out and try to resolve whatever issue it is. I've since stopped doing this because it is a bit immature and gets us nowhere because she sees it as chasing me and refuses to do that. Even when she is wrong. I've been in 1 relationship for over 10 yrs where we outgrew each other. After that I had a rebound with a girl that totally wrecked my life and made it hard to trust. That being said, my fiancee and I got together really fast after the rebound and I moved in with her about a month later. I questioned this being the right decision but it was going really well and we both benefitted financially and enjoy living together. It's really hard for me living in her house because I have always been very independent in that reect so it may be resentment on my behalf misfired at her. She is by far the best woman I've ever been with, she knows that too. She tells me the same and I truly believe we love each other enough to get through anything. Thats been proven. I'm not really a wuss as much as I give my all and don't believe in giving up a good thing. I'm old fashioned. As far as the mom thing goes, she has a 12 yo son who has autisim. He is one of the best behaved and most loving children e ever known. He and I are best friends. I do a lot for him and she appreciates it and I can see it in her eyes but also in the things she also does for me. The real issue is stubborness and communication as you said. I think we both need to go to therepy just out of principal as well. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I Will say this, she drives a school bus during the day and works at ups at night. She goes in at 640am to 840am then back at 140-340 pm then ups 530-930pm she makes substantially more than I do and I am proud of her being a hardworking mom. I understand her busy sched, and I try notto be too needy when Sometimes I feel like maybe I am. I work 4 12hr shifts for the cable company including a sat shift. She gets plenty of alone time so I don't think I'm smothering her, I just think she is stressed out because we have been trying to get pregnant to no avail since our last miscarriage in July. That being said, she had cervical cancer and a tubal pregnancy prior to our relationship. I think she may have some underlying issues emotionally that she also hides from. I myself have plenty, I came from a messed up family myself. I dont want this to be a bash on her, I honestly want to show her this thread. Idk if I will, but maybe if you heard her side it would at least be fair. I really do appreciate this forum, its kinda given me a little confidence that I may not be completely immature as I've been told. Granted I'm immature, just not completely LOL!

[Radu]

This is what i sometimes dislike about this forum ... ppl forget to add pertinent information in their OP, and only add it to debunk an existing post/trend.

 

With what you posted now, you should deffinitely get into therapy ... with her.

And btw :

That being said, my fiancee and I got together really fast after the rebound and I moved in with her about a month later.

She has a son with autism who was small at the time and allowed you to move in with her, in her own house after being with you just one [1] month ?

This is the mark of a good mother ?

I'm not really a wuss as much as I give my all and don't believe in giving up a good thing.

I didn't put the wuss label because of this, i put it because you tend to be the one to compromise, to put her on a pedestal when she is obviously not doing the same thing.

In relationships the one who cares the least holds the most power, and from the sound of things the one who wears the pants in your relationship is her.

This might just be something that is unfixable in her, so then you have 2 choices ... either live with it for the rest of your life [and those arguments are not minor things], or leave her for the rest of your life.

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks! She wants me to go see a counselor, I'm totally willing, I'm bi polar and prob need something to help mellow me out. I asked her to go too, she says she went last summer just before we met because her ex demanded she go so she Did. They told her she was fine. So she is very very resistant to go with me.

 

Having read all the posts (and yeah, being a bit pi$$ed off because frankly, after post #1, with every post that came afterwards, you tried to justify and make excuses for her!) the above post screams dysfunction.

 

This -

 

she says she went last summer just before we met because her ex demanded she go so she Did. They told her she was fine.

 

- is complete and total, utter Bullschyte.

 

A counsellor isn't a doctor.

They won't turn round and say "You're fine".

Counselling takes years, not days. And she can't have been going for long, if she 'went last summer, just before we met'....

 

She's either lying, or she confused a daycare assistant with a fully-qualified psychologist. Easy mistake I suppose....

 

Let me tell you, sitting here in my chair, in front of a computer - I can tell you - she's NOT fine! Not by a long chalk!!

She's playing you for a sucker.

And if you're bi-polar, that's really not very good for you.

 

You either need to man up and start laying some ground rules - or more sensibly - bail out of there.

 

You have more than enough to deal with, looking after your own health, than to pair up with someone who has no respect for you, has negligible boundaries and has enough problems herself to fill any Counsellor's diary!

[subliminal]

I've been using my phone to type all of this in between stops at work. She does actually put me on a pedestal quite a bit, I've witnessed it numerous times. I understand your advice, I just felt like it wasn't totally fair to totally bash her when I'm accountable for my wrong in things I do that may trigger her behavior. Her son is 12, I moved in about a year ago. It's never good to criticize someones parenting skills but I can see your concern. It wasn't an overnight thing, it began with me spending a night here or there a few weeks after reconciling our acquaintance. Her older brother and uncle were friends of mine as kids from Jr high until I moved to Florida for 10 yrs. Bottom line is , I feel like she should be proactive and nip the bud. It will happen, I just have to be patient, which I'm not always. We love each other and both want to work on things, its just a matter of how much is it worth, to me It's the world, she does try to show me the same and does most of the Time. She, like myself can be moody, I get that, thats when I try to do something on my own to give her space and time to realize the ball is in her court. She tells me she feels as though I always find something to pick at her about and I make her feel like she cant make me happy when all I want is her to be happy. I'm sorry but I'm not playing chess games, I don't care who is in control of what, I wont be controlled nor will I control anyone. I'm just saying respectibh ones feelings is key to a healthy relationship and at times she can be disrespectful to mine. I know I am emotional at times, she's the one who I trust with my emotions, and I don't want that to be taken for granted. At times I'm overlan be the other way. I think me getting a grip on that may help.