Author Confused3232 Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 The man is scum. There is no 180 plan for me, I now just want out of this marriage ASAP. For those who have cheaters that use "whats up" app on their phones...here's a way to catch them. Go into settings and reset the sent/received texts to 0. Then go back a couple days later and see what it has to say. My husband says he rarely uses the app....yeah, two days later - over a 1000 text messages to her. He is a disgusting person. I can't get away from him fast enough. In fact, I took the day off work to pack his bags and put them in the garage for him to pick up !!!!!!!! 5
Spark1111 Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 You GO Girl! Can you download those texts or emal them to yourself? Or another person you trust to keep them safe for you? How about their work emails? I would! The only good thing about anger is that it can galvanize you towards decisive action that is mentally healthy for you. Keep a going. 3
Spark1111 Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 The man is scum. There is no 180 plan for me, I now just want out of this marriage ASAP. For those who have cheaters that use "whats up" app on their phones...here's a way to catch them. Go into settings and reset the sent/received texts to 0. Then go back a couple days later and see what it has to say. My husband says he rarely uses the app....yeah, two days later - over a 1000 text messages to her. He is a disgusting person. I can't get away from him fast enough. In fact, I took the day off work to pack his bags and put them in the garage for him to pick up !!!!!!!! Ok, a 1000 texts in two days....That sounds like my scenario at DDAy. Good! I think he is truly shocked you have found the fortitude to pull the plug.
eleanorrigby Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 The man is scum. There is no 180 plan for me, I now just want out of this marriage ASAP. For those who have cheaters that use "whats up" app on their phones...here's a way to catch them. Go into settings and reset the sent/received texts to 0. Then go back a couple days later and see what it has to say. My husband says he rarely uses the app....yeah, two days later - over a 1000 text messages to her. He is a disgusting person. I can't get away from him fast enough. In fact, I took the day off work to pack his bags and put them in the garage for him to pick up !!!!!!!! Think of the 180 not as a way to get him back, but a technique to keep your sanity and composure during the divorce and separation process. It can work for either. Good luck. 3
Author Confused3232 Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 Thanks everyone! I give you credit for taking your cheating spouses back. I don't think I will ever be able to. He has just lied one to many times. And I can't get over 1,000 texts in two days! That isn't a relationship, that's co-dependance right??? Gross! He is a disgusting person. And karma is a you know what! 1
BetrayedH Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 If I did my math right, that's about one text every three minutes if he never slept. I'm sure it was just platonic. 2
Author Confused3232 Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 If I did my math right, that's about one text every three minutes if he never slept. I'm sure it was just platonic. Haha! Love it! Yes, and them parking behind a gas station was just to "talk." 2
Furious Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Haha! Love it! Yes, and them parking behind a gas station was just to "talk." Classy!!!!:lmao::lmao: 3
Spark1111 Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 You mean, just as classy as a .... Burger King parking lot? AHAHAHAHA.....Don't even go there!!!!! And, if you don't see me around...well, just read that thread....( banging head on iPad wondering why I try so hard STILL to make the world a kinder, better place...sigh...damn altruistic, journalism background) Confused....I discovered 50? maybe 100.? Texts in the two days after DDay. 1000???? He is still in the very thick of it all. MY sympathies. EVEN if you hoped for a better result, He is many months away, IMHO, from potentially changing. If she dumps him, prepare yourself for a major breakdown of sorts. Anger masks depression. Stay aware of that. BUT don't change course! Where did you put his clothes after you packed them all up? if you did not set them on fire, be proud of yourself. you are showing some restraint and are more stabile than you realize. 1
2sunny Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 I'm proud of you!!! All this takes enormous courage and strength... I hope you continue with a healthy boundary that helps you look out for your best interest - as well as your babies. Hugs! 1
anna121 Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 Whoops! I forgot! Realist? Although I dislike Harley's method of recovering a marriage ( and I feel he is bigoted in other areas), I've not seen this bad track record of saving marriages from those who follow his program. So if you could link me to that information, that'd be great. in fact - in all the years of research of forum participation I've had on infidelity - I've never seen a shred of evidence that shows he has a low success rate. I was pretty sure for those who choose his plan, it's high for them. Thanks in advance . Personally, I've always found Harley's asserted success rates to be quite vague or at least unsupported by verifiable, arms-length means. I'm not aware of his submitting to an audit or anything. So I'm not disgareeing with you, necessarily...but I'm dubious if all we have to go on is his word. After all, he also claims to be able to turn gay people straight. And I wouldn't put stock in anything said by anyone on his anonymous forum.
Decorative Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 (edited) Personally, I've always found Harley's asserted success rates to be quite vague or at least unsupported by verifiable, arms-length means. I'm not aware of his submitting to an audit or anything. So I'm not disgareeing with you, necessarily...but I'm dubious if all we have to go on is his word. After all, he also claims to be able to turn gay people straight. And I wouldn't put stock in anything said by anyone on his anonymous forum. Oh- I agree. And I left the forum when I read his testimony about homosexuality. And when I spoke up about it- I was treated very rudely by forum members who supported his bigotry. I was horrified and disgusted. And he blames betrayed spouses- which I did not realize in the beginning, but became very clear. I was just curious where Realist was getting the 20% he states. He has stated it multiple times. I've never seen that anywhere. I know Harley's stats are self reported. I also know that the people who post on his forum are obviously self selecting to do so, and skew the perception of the success rates. I wondered if I was missing something. He has thousands of devoted "fans", who claim success when they tightly follow his rules ( that I don't agree with)- and amongst those people, I saw very few failures. But you are right- it's all anecdotal and self reported. I just need to know where Realist pulls 20% from. He keeps saying it. It's coming from somewhere. And again- outside of Plan B, I don't care for Harley at all. I don't support his agenda. I'm not a Harley cheerleader. Edited February 3, 2013 by Decorative 1
Author Confused3232 Posted February 3, 2013 Author Posted February 3, 2013 Hi All, Well, it has been 3 days since I tossed him out and filed for divorce. For the most part, live has been peaceful without him, as he was always creating some sort of drama when he was here about our relationship. I love the amazing time I get with my babies. Yesterday he came over to discuss finances and a schedule for the girls. He actually asked if we could be friends some day and he even suggested we buy a duplex and live next door to each other since "neither one of us is looking to date others for quite some time." What is this man talking about?? He is having an affair! Oh and he is so mad I filed for divorce. Either way I have stayed strong and am moving on with my life. But, is this the type of behavior you all experienced? Just curious? 2
woinlove Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 Hi All, Well, it has been 3 days since I tossed him out and filed for divorce. For the most part, live has been peaceful without him, as he was always creating some sort of drama when he was here about our relationship. I love the amazing time I get with my babies. Yesterday he came over to discuss finances and a schedule for the girls. He actually asked if we could be friends some day and he even suggested we buy a duplex and live next door to each other since "neither one of us is looking to date others for quite some time." What is this man talking about?? He is having an affair! Oh and he is so mad I filed for divorce. Either way I have stayed strong and am moving on with my life. But, is this the type of behavior you all experienced? Just curious? I would think that when someone behaves this horribly toward his family and then says he hopes you can be friends, he is looking to feel better about himself. If you can be friends, then he hasn't behaved that horribly. At least, I would guess that is what drives him to talk like that. The not dating others is just him continuing to lie. The fact is he is not behaving like the type of person who would be a good friend. He may never be that type of person again. If he does become that type of person again, he is going to have to really change and that typically takes a long time and real determination, combined with lots of insight. Please try not to let him hurt you anymore with his stupid talk of friendship and not seeing anyone. He obviously has not come to grips with the type of person he is right now. Good for you for staying strong and moving on with your life. Nothing is worth more, imo, than feeling good about yourself. You should feel great about yourself. Meanwhile, your WH lost that by his own choices and is trying to patch it up with meaningless words. 3
Decorative Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 My spouse sent me a text asking if we could be friends after I kicked him out. I didn't answer it. He also sent an email with a plan of how we could be friends " if I didn't forgive him and divorced him". I didn't deal with that answer- it went to my intermediary. But later, in counseling, he asked me why I never responded. I explained that I had zero interest in being his friend. And if we did divorce - we would co- parent, but wih minimal communication, and certainly no personal communication between us. It was hard for him to grasp that at first. He eventually understood that point. We did end up reconciling. I think waywards have a happy ending fantasy. That you can napalm someone's heart and life, do nothing to repair it, and they'll still want to be friends. Also- by taking yourself out of the equation with your spouse right now, you have upset his affair applecart. He was getting narcissistic supply from you and his partner. now you're out the door. The three legged stool wobbles. And he doesn't have the emotional tools to handle that. Obviously. That's why he's been cheating already. 5
Furious Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 Hi All, Well, it has been 3 days since I tossed him out and filed for divorce. For the most part, live has been peaceful without him, as he was always creating some sort of drama when he was here about our relationship. I love the amazing time I get with my babies. Yesterday he came over to discuss finances and a schedule for the girls. He actually asked if we could be friends some day and he even suggested we buy a duplex and live next door to each other since "neither one of us is looking to date others for quite some time." What is this man talking about?? He is having an affair! Oh and he is so mad I filed for divorce. Either way I have stayed strong and am moving on with my life. But, is this the type of behavior you all experienced? Just curious? I imagine he's angry because he resents you taking control of your own life. He seems out of touch with reality to suggest you be neighbors and best buddies after what he's done to you. His head is so far up his ass it's a wonder he can still breathe. No remorse, still lying to you. If someone shows you who they are believe them!!!! Stay Strong ((((((hugs)))))) 2
turnera Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 He actually asked if we could be friends some day and he even suggested we buy a duplex and live next door to each other since "neither one of us is looking to date others for quite some time." What is this man talking about?? He is having an affair! Oh and he is so mad I filed for divorce.Just remember that it's a wayward's JOB to keep you calm and trusting so that you let down your defenses and give him everything he wants. It's in the Script. When he realizes you really really won't lay down and go away quietly and let him keep everything, be prepared for the venom. He will become so nasty you'll be amazed you could have ever lived with him. 2
2sunny Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Hi All, Well, it has been 3 days since I tossed him out and filed for divorce. For the most part, live has been peaceful without him, as he was always creating some sort of drama when he was here about our relationship. I love the amazing time I get with my babies. Yesterday he came over to discuss finances and a schedule for the girls. He actually asked if we could be friends some day and he even suggested we buy a duplex and live next door to each other since "neither one of us is looking to date others for quite some time." What is this man talking about?? He is having an affair! Oh and he is so mad I filed for divorce. Either way I have stayed strong and am moving on with my life. But, is this the type of behavior you all experienced? Just curious? Yes, cake eaters think that way. And expect the lies to continue and to create more drama. You can choose to ignore his chaos. It helps.
Spark1111 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I told him no, we couldn't be friends because no friend of mine would ever lie to my face and eff someone behind my back. Sorry, no dice. I was calm, polite but friends? Oh, no, wasn't going to happen. this is still part of the lets be one happy family fantasy, and much of it was fueled and encouraged by his OW who suddenly, did not want to be the bad guy in a breaking up a family. She also convinced him I too must have a boyfriend. I intercepted texts that read, be kind to yourself and be kind to Spark, and, yes..."out of the ashes, a Pheonix will rise," as if shoring a man up while he breaks up his family is actually a liberation for him. So no, no friends, no duplex next door to each other, and who is he to say you aren't ready to start dating???. Of course you aren't, but that is not for him to say. See what he fears? Please inform him that you too deserve what HE claims he has with his OW, the love and adoration of a good man who will never cheat on you and the twins and you intend to find that for yourself because you deserve it, no? 2
sue123 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 How did you find out the first time, did he take it out of the workplace
Spark1111 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 How did you find out the first time, did he take it out of the workplace She put a monitoring device on his computer and discovered an affair with a MOW at work. sue, affairs are like an addiction and most BS will find 100s if not 1000s of texts, emails etc on either the home computer or the smart phone.
Author Confused3232 Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 Morning, Thanks everyone for your feedback. It has been really hard, but the twins are keeping me busy along with my career. I'm not sure if I miss him, or having someone in my life on a daily basis. Sparks - Our husbands sound really similiar (maybe mine a little worse), can I ask how long he was out of the house before his bubble popped? I just wonder if my husband's will ever pop? Maybe all I want is a heartfelt "I'm sorry." I haven't gotten that yet. Also Sparks, what made you give him another shot? I seems to me that he also continued to cheat after Dday. Thanks - It is just really hard to make sense of all of this when you are knee deep.
Author Confused3232 Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 I told him no, we couldn't be friends because no friend of mine would ever lie to my face and eff someone behind my back. Sorry, no dice. I was calm, polite but friends? Oh, no, wasn't going to happen. this is still part of the lets be one happy family fantasy, and much of it was fueled and encouraged by his OW who suddenly, did not want to be the bad guy in a breaking up a family. She also convinced him I too must have a boyfriend. I intercepted texts that read, be kind to yourself and be kind to Spark, and, yes..."out of the ashes, a Pheonix will rise," as if shoring a man up while he breaks up his family is actually a liberation for him. So no, no friends, no duplex next door to each other, and who is he to say you aren't ready to start dating???. Of course you aren't, but that is not for him to say. See what he fears? Please inform him that you too deserve what HE claims he has with his OW, the love and adoration of a good man who will never cheat on you and the twins and you intend to find that for yourself because you deserve it, no? Funny - I have intercepted the same sort of texts!!! It is amazing how these types of affairs follow a script. He texted me a couple times last night about the Superbowl and I never replied. I only reply about our girls or finances. 2
Author Confused3232 Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 Just remember that it's a wayward's JOB to keep you calm and trusting so that you let down your defenses and give him everything he wants. It's in the Script. When he realizes you really really won't lay down and go away quietly and let him keep everything, be prepared for the venom. He will become so nasty you'll be amazed you could have ever lived with him. I have seem a glimpse of that already. He wanted me to delay the file date on our divorce documents. When I said no, he went nuts. Also when I packed up his stuff, he was mad...and I did a pretty good job of packing it. Most women would burn it or spread it over the neigherborhood!
Author Confused3232 Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 My spouse sent me a text asking if we could be friends after I kicked him out. I didn't answer it. He also sent an email with a plan of how we could be friends " if I didn't forgive him and divorced him". I didn't deal with that answer- it went to my intermediary. But later, in counseling, he asked me why I never responded. I explained that I had zero interest in being his friend. And if we did divorce - we would co- parent, but wih minimal communication, and certainly no personal communication between us. It was hard for him to grasp that at first. He eventually understood that point. We did end up reconciling. I think waywards have a happy ending fantasy. That you can napalm someone's heart and life, do nothing to repair it, and they'll still want to be friends. Also- by taking yourself out of the equation with your spouse right now, you have upset his affair applecart. He was getting narcissistic supply from you and his partner. now you're out the door. The three legged stool wobbles. And he doesn't have the emotional tools to handle that. Obviously. That's why he's been cheating already. This is an amazing comment. I must have read it 10 times already. What finally snapped your spouse out of that bubble? How long did it take? I am not looking to R at this point, but I am having a hard time dealing with him even on a co-parent basis. He is just so gross. How did you bring yourself to take your spouse back? I just couldn't even imagine it at this point. He is living this fantasy while I am working full time, taking care of our twins, keeping up our house, etc. How does someone do this to another person? I wouldn't do it to my worst enemy! Interestingly, even after what has happened with my husband, the OW and her husband haven't even broached the topic of the affair. He is just waiting for it to go away. And she doesn't seem to want to leave her husband...I would think that my husband getting a divorce would be reason enough!?!
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