Cali408 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I agree with this. Only the cheater can end the affair. Ultimatums really don't work if the cheater isn't ready to end it. My WH asked me he other day why I couldn't just let it die a natural death...if this doesn't show you how NC doesn't work often times, I don't know what would. This is an incredibly arrogant selfish remark by your husband. He's basically asking you if he can continue on. Mine lasted over 3 years. Tell him to either man up and choose you or leave. 1
Author Fidelia Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 Just to clarify, WH initiated NC this time and I do believe he genuinely wants to work on the marriage, himself and make sure it doesn't happen again. He has read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" and is answering all questions whenever I have them and is holding me when I get flashbacks and is voluntering thngs as he thinks of them, incl information I could never have snooped and discovered. The relationship with OW had already started to fizzle when I first discovered the texting (which was mainly historic), partly because the one time when they had tried to get physical, he couldn't get it up (counsellor reckons sub-conscious kicked in and wouldn't let him), so in many ways he had already started to let go of her in his head. He trickle truthed, I think, because he hoped he could get away with not telling me because he'd convinced himself it was over anyway and could be swept under the carpet. It was only when I made it clear I couldn't take anymore discoveries and revelations and told him to tell his parents we were in trouble, that he was shocked into realsing how serious it all was. He came home a completely different man and told all, owning it for the first time and stopped trying to deflect the blame onto me. So I'm hoping this means he really is serious. But it is helpful to know he's probably finding NC hard and wanting to make contact. At the moment he says he only thinks about her when I bring it up. I'm not sure whether I believe that, but maybe it's hard to admit?
Confused3232 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 This is an incredibly arrogant selfish remark by your husband. He's basically asking you if he can continue on. Mine lasted over 3 years. Tell him to either man up and choose you or leave. Oh, I agree. He will choose me, and just continue with the affair. I have to be the one to draw the line, which I have as he is moving out this weekend into an apartment and I am filing. Did your wife know about the affair while it was taking place? Or did you end it right when she found out?
underwater2010 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Was she exposed also? Was this question directed at me...if so yes! If not...carry on.
Author Fidelia Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 Was this question directed at me...if so yes! If not...carry on. Or if it was directed at me: Well, no she hasn't been exposed. She knows I know. A mutual friend of WH and OW knows, but quite frankly she seems to have lost nothing except WH and she has a new boyfriend anyway so...
Cali408 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Good for you Confused. She found out and then it continued for another month. She found out again and it was put up or shut up time.
Author Fidelia Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 Good for you Confused. She found out and then it continued for another month. She found out again and it was put up or shut up time. Can I ask, if you know, why the delay? Why not stop straight away?
Cali408 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I didn't stop right away because I didn't want it to stop. We still spoke. I was not thinking clearly at all. I tried to sabotage my marriage after being caught the first time, being a coward hoping my wife would end it. She got caught the first time, I did the second time. My wife was so hurt. It vaporized my selfishness. Worst thing I have ever done to anyone. I'm lucky you have no idea. 1
Author Fidelia Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 I didn't stop right away because I didn't want it to stop. We still spoke. I was not thinking clearly at all. I tried to sabotage my marriage after being caught the first time, being a coward hoping my wife would end it. She got caught the first time, I did the second time. My wife was so hurt. It vaporized my selfishness. Worst thing I have ever done to anyone. I'm lucky you have no idea. Thank you for your honesty. It really does help. WH is still trying to figure this out in counselling. I think he thought for that first 4 months (when we were getting marriage counselling and he wasn't taking it seriously) that I'd believe him and he could just start up again later. I think it was the shock factor of him realising I was about to chuck him out, of having to face his parents, that made him wake up and see what he was going to lose. Sadly, he'd convinced himself that I didn't love him and hadn't done for years. I think that's partly why he felt entitled to an A. He now realises just how much I love him, but it scares me that if his self esteem sinks in the future, he could do it all again? That's in my darkest moments, anyway. His biggest issue, really, is that he always had poor boundaries. He's working on that now. 1
Cali408 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I hope it works for you. Just make sure you let him know how much you love him when his self esteem is low. Everyone wants to be loved. It's hard to make an effort all the time, but you must.
BrokenPrincess Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Mine AP did call me 3 weeks after NC. I didn't take the call, and then told my wife. What is more important? winning your spouse back or throwing your ap under the bus. HONK HONK, SPLAT!!! As a fMOW, this is one reason I have maintained NC. Somewhere I am trying to maintain a shred of dignity. It's been 3.5mo since his W caught him and zero contact since we said goodbye. He was absolutely remorseful & did not want to D. He told his W it was an "inappropriate cyber relationship" No idea if he ended up coming clean since then with the full truth of the PA. She hasn't contacted me either. My H doesn't know, so I don't necessarily have that "consequence" holding me accountable to NC. My second primary motivator for not breaking NC is just acceptance that our relationship is over. It couldn't last forever and there is just too much logistically (long term Ms, kids, 1200miles apart, careers, finances, etc). What's the point of breaking NC? There's no possible outcome that's better than it is now, so I just continue on the path, trying to reconnect to my H & family, and work through my issues in IC.
Breathless Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 It's been over a year and a half since DDay and NC started. Neither xMM nor I have broken it as of today. We do have awkward run-in's but we both act as if we do not exist and move on. It was extremely painful during the first year of NC and even til now I still feel a lil ache when a memory crosses my mind. But regardless if feelings for xMM are still there or not, I would never break NC with him. His BW and my BH gave us the blessing of a second chance. We hurt the 2 people who loved us the most already - by us staying in contact in any way, shape or form would be like pushing the knife deeper into their hearts to ensure death! Also, xMM was my best friend at one point in my life - I would only want for him to be happy. I know by me disappearing out of his life gives him a fighting chance to be happy and rebuild with his BW. I would like to believe he feels the same way towards me...but who knows. I believe when someone breaks NC - it's worse than the actual A itself. The WS has witness firsthand their BS consumed with heartache and pain that THEY have caused! Sick as it is, breaking NC basically means the WS is willing to watch the BS go through it all over again for just one more moment with their AP. 5
Ninja'sHusband Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I know many people advocate NC, but it really is a ruse. Sure it may make the BS feel better in the short term, but the basic fact is that these two people had a relationship together. A relationship that was strog enough for them to risk a huge part of their lives. To think that these to people will not contact each other again at some point in the future is the height of naivette. How that contact manifests itself is an unknown, but you can't expect someone to simply erase a portion of their lives. Not going to happen. Feelings just don't end because someone makes the demand of NC. Most APs will at least check in with each other...but it's really destructive honestly to the BS and creates risk of relapse. A truly remorseful WS will go NC otherwise the marriage is in serious trouble and the likelihood of reconciliation takes a massive plunge. It tried to live with a WW who refused NC, didn't happen. There's only so much insanity I can handle. We didn't make it. I predict the same for most in my situation. I can only think of one BS on this list who said they reconciled without having their AP go NC. In their case it was because of a job, which is a bit more understandable, though many people do change jobs to go NC. With us it was a stupid MA class...grrr....
myname Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 So my ws had an affair. It took 4 months from dday for him to admit all of it. Since then (dday2) (11/2 months ago) he has changed so much, esp in his attitude to me. Despite the trickle truth telling, I think we're on a much better path now and are much more open with each other. But 1 month after the original dday (when he blocked her on facebook and had a phone conversation at work saying they couldn't meet for a while) (while still pretending it wasn't physical etc) he broke NC by texting her to meet up for lunch. I discovered he'd texted, that same day. At the time he told me that she had just texted him and he texted back etc, not that they met up. So he agreed to send a NC email to her in the morning. But that night he sent a secret email telling her to ignore the NC one he'd be sending. I found the secret email, so he never did send a NC email because I didn't see the point. She wouldn't believe it and if he wanted to contact her, he would. He then really did stop contacting her, partly because I made it clear it was his choice, but if he did contact her, he was out. Well when he finally came clean about everything (dday2) he also told me about them meeting and not just texting. I reminded him about what he'd emailed her - saying that he would contact her once we'd finished counselling - and asked him to think about how he was going to deal with that, because I had that hanging over me. So after a few days he came to me with a plan to send her a nc handwritten letter and also to read it out into her voicemail so that he'd know it was genuinely from him. And he did all of that, with me present. So far so good. We're doing much better, he's getting individual counselling because he now really wants to make sure he doesn't have another A and wants to find out why he did. Once he's in a better place, we'll get marriage counselling together again. I'm still scared though. I'm not sure how to get over that, but I'm having more good days than bad. But what worried me was reading a thread on the OW/OM forum that basically seemed to say that all MM eventually broke NC. Is this true? Are there any WS that would be willing to be honest with me about this? Or OW/OM? Or are there WS who have kept NC once they meant it? I can give you my experience as the OW, but I'm not sure how helpful it will be or whether it will mean there are any similarities with what you are experiencing. After a D-day when she phoned me I apologised as I had believed what were then obviously lies he had told me about their marriage and expected to never hear from him again but he kept on emailing and texting after things had died down at home and I got sucked in again. Another D-day and I received a no contact telephone call which he made in front of her but then a couple of hours later he emailed and told me he had made it under duress and wanted to still see me. At this point I said no way, and since then have done my utmost to remain no contact, but this was six months ago, and he is still contacting me suggesting meeting up to talk about what we can do. I ignore this because I know he is staying married and just wants to continue an affair which I do not want. I admit I cannot understand why he does this anymore but have given up trying to understand. I have no idea what he has told her or what the state of their reconciliation is.
Lostinlife4now Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Dear Fedelia... Some break NC and Some don't. In my situation, XMM is still trying to break NC, even after 2 years he still sends emails to see if I will respond. I have not!!!!! I think it depends on the situation. xmm and I never had a d-day. I broke it off. But he still insists to see how I am doing so and so forth. Guess he misses me! But I WILL NOT RESPOND!!! EVER!
jnel921 Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Breaking NC is a deal breaker for me. No reason to continue to try and fix what will stay broken.
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