Fidelia Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 (edited) So my ws had an affair. It took 4 months from dday for him to admit all of it. Since then (dday2) (11/2 months ago) he has changed so much, esp in his attitude to me. Despite the trickle truth telling, I think we're on a much better path now and are much more open with each other. But 1 month after the original dday (when he blocked her on facebook and had a phone conversation at work saying they couldn't meet for a while) (while still pretending it wasn't physical etc) he broke NC by texting her to meet up for lunch. I discovered he'd texted, that same day. At the time he told me that she had just texted him and he texted back etc, not that they met up. So he agreed to send a NC email to her in the morning. But that night he sent a secret email telling her to ignore the NC one he'd be sending. I found the secret email, so he never did send a NC email because I didn't see the point. She wouldn't believe it and if he wanted to contact her, he would. He then really did stop contacting her, partly because I made it clear it was his choice, but if he did contact her, he was out. Well when he finally came clean about everything (dday2) he also told me about them meeting and not just texting. I reminded him about what he'd emailed her - saying that he would contact her once we'd finished counselling - and asked him to think about how he was going to deal with that, because I had that hanging over me. So after a few days he came to me with a plan to send her a nc handwritten letter and also to read it out into her voicemail so that he'd know it was genuinely from him. And he did all of that, with me present. So far so good. We're doing much better, he's getting individual counselling because he now really wants to make sure he doesn't have another A and wants to find out why he did. Once he's in a better place, we'll get marriage counselling together again. I'm still scared though. I'm not sure how to get over that, but I'm having more good days than bad. But what worried me was reading a thread on the OW/OM forum that basically seemed to say that all MM eventually broke NC. Is this true? Are there any WS that would be willing to be honest with me about this? Or OW/OM? Or are there WS who have kept NC once they meant it? Edited January 30, 2013 by Fidelia
beenburned Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Welcome! I'm so sorry your H is giving you such a hard time! To answer your question: No, the majority of WS do stick to NC, if they are truely remorseful, love their wife and want to save their marriage! I am in a very long term marriage (H cheated in the early years), and my H has never repeated his infidelity, nor any of the bad behaviors he had back then!(bad boundaries with all females) I do realize that some WS's do break NC, but they are usually the ones that are NOT truely remorseful or sincere about being honest and authentic! And the OW that post and brag about the MM repeatedly coming back to them are sad because they don't realize that the MM is treating them with no respect. If he really loved them, he would have used d-day as the perfect opportunity to go be with the OW.(instead of staying with his wife) 2
waterwoman Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Hard to answer fidelia. First of all I would suggest that anyone saying anything *always* happens is a bit daft! But as far as I know H hasn't spoken to her or texted her without my knowing since d-day - but that is the joyful legacy of infidelity, you never entirely know
Realist3 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I know many people advocate NC, but it really is a ruse. Sure it may make the BS feel better in the short term, but the basic fact is that these two people had a relationship together. A relationship that was strog enough for them to risk a huge part of their lives. To think that these to people will not contact each other again at some point in the future is the height of naivette. How that contact manifests itself is an unknown, but you can't expect someone to simply erase a portion of their lives. Not going to happen. Feelings just don't end because someone makes the demand of NC. 3
Confused3232 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I agree with the poster above. My WH wasn't and still isn't remorseful, and he has violated NC more times than I care to think about.
Confused3232 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I know many people advocate NC, but it really is a ruse. Sure it may make the BS feel better in the short term, but the basic fact is that these two people had a relationship together. A relationship that was strog enough for them to risk a huge part of their lives. To think that these to people will not contact each other again at some point in the future is the height of naivette. How that contact manifests itself is an unknown, but you can't expect someone to simply erase a portion of their lives. Not going to happen. Feelings just don't end because someone makes the demand of NC. So then how do most affairs end? A natural slow death?
To be or not to be Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 My exMM was always the one to break NC. Even the hundreds of times I tried breaking it off with him. We had 2 Ddays, I guess he faked R since he told BS that he would go to counseling and promised NC. He quickly failed that both times but...every story is unique. Good luck to you and don't put up with his Sh*t 2
Spark1111 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 while begging to reconcile with me, my H continued to be in contact with her. I Whenever I discovered it, I threw him out to go be with his soul mate. I think for many it takes awhile to de fog. Their initial knee-jerk reaction is to stabilize the marriage WHILE continuing to have the affair. They just want it all to go back to the way if was pre DDay. Also, I believe he strung her along in the event I divorced him, he'd have a soft place to land. When he firmly established NC as she wouldn't stop calling him "as a friend" she was devastated. That being said, I believe in his guilt, he let her down way too gently because she broke NC more than two years later to see if he'd be interested re initiating.
beenburned Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Realist, Spoken like a true serial cheater! Like I said, usually only the ones that are NOT remorseful and have no intentions of being faithful to anyone! And according to stats, the majority of EMAs are nothing more than sexual flings.(ONS and FBs) 1
underwater2010 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 8 months out and no he hasn't broken NC....although the affair was over before I found out.
Realist3 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 So then how do most affairs end? A natural slow death? They end because they make a choice to end it. That choice may last a week, a month, a year, 5 years, or forever, but it is their choice. But at some point they will contact each other. That is a given.
Spark1111 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 So then how do most affairs end? A natural slow death? With exposure and consequences for both. Then being forced to choose and commit and living alone until they can decide. after that, it is whatever the BS needs to heal: transparency and remorse and IC and MC and answering all questions regarding the affair. 2
Realist3 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Realist, Spoken like a true serial cheater! Like I said, usually only the ones that are NOT remorseful and have no intentions of being faithful to anyone! And according to stats, the majority of EMAs are nothing more than sexual flings.(ONS and FBs) I'm sure most EMA's are of that variety. When there is no emtional connection it is an easier break. Thatis why I have always said emotional affairs are far more damaging that strict sexual daliences.
Confused3232 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 My exMM was always the one to break NC. Even the hundreds of times I tried breaking it off with him. We had 2 Ddays, I guess he faked R since he told BS that he would go to counseling and promised NC. He quickly failed that both times but...every story is unique. Good luck to you and don't put up with his Sh*t This could be my WH you are describing! What finally ended it?? Just curious.
Confused3232 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 They end because they make a choice to end it. That choice may last a week, a month, a year, 5 years, or forever, but it is their choice. But at some point they will contact each other. That is a given. I agree with this. Only the cheater can end the affair. Ultimatums really don't work if the cheater isn't ready to end it. My WH asked me he other day why I couldn't just let it die a natural death...if this doesn't show you how NC doesn't work often times, I don't know what would. 2
To be or not to be Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I was tired of the bolony! He was stringing me along and was very undecisive. I couldn't continue allowing myself to feel emotionally trapped. I deleted one of my email accounts and blocked him from another. So he used another one of his phony emails to contact me. I told him we can talk once he was in the process of changing his status and sent him a link to meet-an-inmate.com if he wanted a pen pal.
Confused3232 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 TBONTB - were you married at the time also?
Cali408 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I haven't broken my no contact pledge. It's a fight. Although wrong, you're in love with them and become addicted to them. Absence makes the heart grow founder. Logically, I'm in a great place, but emotions can be tough to fight. You need to tell him. 1 No texting 2 No calling 3 No emailing 4 No searching on the Internet 5 No Facebook (delete his membership if he has one) Too tempting 6 All passwords to any other social media 7. If she contact him, he is to tell you immediately. 8. No, "I'll follow up with you in April." 9. All texts need to be shown on request, have a phone bill that quantifies number of texts. If there is any inequalities, there needs to be some explaining. Tell him there is NO wiggle room. You catch him, he's out. Also communicate with him, don't be afraid to ask the tough questions for your own sanity. Better to get the answer now than later.
Confused3232 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I haven't broken my no contact pledge. It's a fight. Although wrong, you're in love with them and become addicted to them. Absence makes the heart grow founder. Logically, I'm in a great place, but emotions can be tough to fight. You need to tell him. 1 No texting 2 No calling 3 No emailing 4 No searching on the Internet 5 No Facebook (delete his membership if he has one) Too tempting 6 All passwords to any other social media 7. If she contact him, he is to tell you immediately. 8. No, "I'll follow up with you in April." 9. All texts need to be shown on request, have a phone bill that quantifies number of texts. If there is any inequalities, there needs to be some explaining. Tell him there is NO wiggle room. You catch him, he's out. Also communicate with him, don't be afraid to ask the tough questions for your own sanity. Better to get the answer now than later. Cali - what got you to actually do the NC? Did your spouse kick you out? I'm just wondering what a person has to sometimes lose in order to stop that addiction?
To be or not to be Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 No divorced for 8yrs but he was telling her that I was married. I'm not sure why...he just said it sounded better that way. (rolling my eyes)
beenburned Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 It is simple, if the WS keeps breaking NC, it is time for the BS to take action, by not letting them get away with it. Kick them out and tell them to go be with their OW! Don't put up with their sh**!!! 1
Spark1111 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I agree with this. Only the cheater can end the affair. Ultimatums really don't work if the cheater isn't ready to end it. My WH asked me he other day why I couldn't just let it die a natural death...if this doesn't show you how NC doesn't work often times, I don't know what would. Write that in your email too! We see people who have gone on for YEARS in their affairs....YEARS. I would be dead, as a BS, if that had happened to me. Why would it die a natural death if it does not have to? It won't. They will meet and vent and sigh....have their ill-fated, Romeo and Juliet we should have been together syndrome, BUT, the spouses, the babies, the mortgages, blah, blah, blah.. The worst uncertainty is NOT knowing. Take your dog out of their triangle. Let them have each other. Can you believe the selfishness of that statement? Just let me have my affair and AP until I no longer love her? Who CARES? The question is, do you love ME? Ask him if you could have an affair and just let it die a natural death while living with him? How ould he like that? Would he find it hugely disrespectful? 2
SunshineToday Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I often wonder what the AP (OW/OM) thinks when they get a no contact letter,text, voicemail...then the AP contacts them a few days later. Dont they think, hmmmm I gotta NC letter---but I guess they were doing it for their spouse--so all is good , lets go back to our A.? Most APs have to be bugged by that NC letter, even if it doesnt stick, so I def advocate sending one.
Cali408 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I was tossed out of the house for a month. My wife was willing to take me back, she just needed space. I stayed at a buddy of mine's house about 30 miles away. Reality sets in when. 1. You have to tell your kids you're going away for awhile 2. You are at your friend's house and you know your living situation won't get better than that. 3. You try to win your wife back, give her space, be patient, while trying to get over your addiction to that other person. 4. You don't see your kids every day. 5. Questioning whether you made the right choice. So you're basically in a state of absolute emotional chaos, heart broken on both fronts, mad at yourself for putting yourself into the situation and being so selfish and arrogant. With no one to blame but yourself. You get your head out of your butt pretty quickly. Mine AP did call me 3 weeks after NC. I didn't take the call, and then told my wife. What is more important? winning your spouse back or throwing your ap under the bus. HONK HONK, SPLAT!!! 4
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