Jealousy/insecurity or not?

[aamfma3]

Hello everyone

I need some help on how todeal with this

So I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years now.

We have friends in common,but he has a group of friends who are all single: I don't mind he goes out tothe pub for a beer with the guys, but recently this group of girls has been tagging along with them. I never thought much of it, but then they started hanging out with his friends every time. And it started to bother me. Probably insecurity? I don't know. It bugged me that my boyfriend was going out to the pub with them. I told him how I felt, that is he is going to the pub he should go with his single guy friends and Its really uncomfortable when he goes with single GIRL friends. And well we got into a fight over this. During the fight he toldme "that i wasn’t the only good girl out there, there were many others". He said he was sorry for saying that after though.

I told my best friend about it and she told me to check his facebook out. I know I shouldn't have done it.There was nothing wrong going on. No messages, nothing. He is friends with these girls on Facebook though. Plus he knew I have his password so he wouldn’t do anything there because I would easily find out. And my friend told me about an option where you can see who we search for on Facebook. And well one of the girls names was searched many times. Like 5 or 6 times in a week!

 

I went crazy. I asked him if he had any feelings for this girl. He said no. But I get this stupid feeling he does. Is it my insecurity? Is it my six sense that there’s more to the story?

 

UGH. I don't want to tag along with him and his buddies to beer night because I think it would be stupid to do so. In 6 years I never went, only go now because of this other stupid girl. He would never do anything with girl if I was there.

 

HELP

I FEEL STUPID

Edited January 30, 2013 by aamfma3

[harnold]

And my friend told me about an option where you can see who we search for on Facebook. And well one of the girls names was searched many times. Like 5 or 6 times in a week!

Sorry, I dont have any advice but I'm curious: how do you do that?

[aamfma3]

Sorry, I dont have any advice but I'm curious: how do you do that?

 

You can check it out in the activity log.

[serial muse]

I know you don't want to suddenly start going along to his pub nights, like you're hovering over him, etc.

 

But perhaps it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to go to them sometimes? And in turn, he could attend your friends' nights out? You guys are talking about getting married, it's not a horrible plan to start hanging out with each others' friends once in a while.

 

I suggest this because the unseen is generally worse than the seen. Right now you're imagining all kinds of scenarios about what's going on during those pub nights. You need to figure out a way to normalize this. And honestly, I think the best way is to attend a few and see for yourself. Does this mean you should make a big scene if you go and she's there? NO. But secrecy is the environment in which cheating flourishes, so it's not a terrible idea to shine a bright light on the situation, both for you and your boyfriend. And you never know, this might all be in his head, if there's anything at all - you might chat with her and it might relieve your mind.

[Treasa]

Hello everyone

I need some help on how todeal with this

So I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years now.

We have friends in common,but he has a group of friends who are all single: I don't mind he goes out tothe pub for a beer with the guys, but recently this group of girls has been tagging along with them. I never thought much of it, but then they started hanging out with his friends every time. And it started to bother me. Probably insecurity? I don't know. It bugged me that my boyfriend was going out to the pub with them. I told him how I felt, that is he is going to the pub he should go with his single guy friends and Its really uncomfortable when he goes with single GIRL friends. And well we got into a fight over this. During the fight he toldme "that i wasn’t the only good girl out there, there were many others". He said he was sorry for saying that after though.

I told my best friend about it and she told me to check his facebook out. I know I shouldn't have done it.There was nothing wrong going on. No messages, nothing. He is friends with these girls on Facebook though. Plus he knew I have his password so he wouldn’t do anything there because I would easily find out. And my friend told me about an option where you can see who we search for on Facebook. And well one of the girls names was searched many times. Like 5 or 6 times in a week!

 

I went crazy. I asked him if he had any feelings for this girl. He said no. But I get this stupid feeling he does. Is it my insecurity? Is it my six sense that there’s more to the story?

 

UGH. I don't want to tag along with him and his buddies to beer night because I think it would be stupid to do so. In 6 years I never went, only go now because of this other stupid girl. He would never do anything with girl if I was there.

 

HELP

I FEEL STUPID

 

Between his comment about how you aren't the only good girl out there, and his checking this girl's FB several times, and him not inviting you out with them even though there are other girls, I'd probably say screw it.

 

Maybe on those nights he goes out you could also go out. Co-ed. And definitely don't be home when he's expecting you. Don't even tell him you're doing it. If he asks where you were and who you were out with, just smile and say, "Oh, you know, girls, guys..."

 

I'm not the type to play games, but this is what I would do in this circumstance because I really wouldn't want to be with this guy anymore anyway.

[serial muse]

Treasa was a little quick for me but I wanted to edit my post to clarify something.

 

By "chat with her" I did NOT mean accuse her of anything - I just meant get to know her as a person rather than a FB phantom.

[Treasa]

Treasa was a little quick for me but I wanted to edit my post to clarify something.

 

By "chat with her" I did NOT mean accuse her of anything - I just meant get to know her as a person rather than a FB phantom.

 

Sorry!! However, yours is also good advice.

[aamfma3]

I know you don't want to suddenly start going along to his pub nights, like you're hovering over him, etc.

 

But perhaps it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to go to them sometimes? And in turn, he could attend your friends' nights out? You guys are talking about getting married, it's not a horrible plan to start hanging out with each others' friends once in a while.

 

I suggest this because the unseen is generally worse than the seen. Right now you're imagining all kinds of scenarios about what's going on during those pub nights. You need to figure out a way to normalize this. And honestly, I think the best way is to attend a few and see for yourself. Does this mean you should make a big scene if you go and she's there? NO. But secrecy is the environment in which cheating flourishes, so it's not a terrible idea to shine a bright light on the situation, both for you and your boyfriend. And you never know, this might all be in his head, if there's anything at all - you might chat with her and it might relieve your mind.

 

Thanks!

 

I think the worst part is the scenarios I'm making up in my head. I start imagining stuff, crazy stuff!

 

He assures me that he even hardly talks to her. That he wants to be with the guys. I have told him to go when it's only the guys, why is he hanging out with single girls??

 

It bugs me. Yes, I am probably being VERY insecure, but I can't help but feel threatened. Is she giving him attention that she shouldn't? It's bugging me tons!

 

Thanks so much

[aamfma3]

Between his comment about how you aren't the only good girl out there, and his checking this girl's FB several times, and him not inviting you out with them even though there are other girls, I'd probably say screw it.

 

Maybe on those nights he goes out you could also go out. Co-ed. And definitely don't be home when he's expecting you. Don't even tell him you're doing it. If he asks where you were and who you were out with, just smile and say, "Oh, you know, girls, guys..."

 

I'm not the type to play games, but this is what I would do in this circumstance because I really wouldn't want to be with this guy anymore anyway.

 

 

Thanks very much!

 

I hate playing games. Hate it! But i would have to agree I think i am gonna start going out with my single gals and their boys so he can taste a bit of his medicine. while I'm out how am I not gonna worry about his outing? ughhhhhh I hate this

[aamfma3]

Treasa was a little quick for me but I wanted to edit my post to clarify something.

 

By "chat with her" I did NOT mean accuse her of anything - I just meant get to know her as a person rather than a FB phantom.

 

She tried adding me on Facebook about a month ago. But i didn't accept because I am only my Facebook is really only to keep in touch with my close friends and family. I don't like the idea of people snooping my Facebook.

 

I might try the outing with them. its gonna be weird though. havent gonne out to the pub with them ever. And now it is probably gonna look like I'm marking my territory!

[Treasa]

Nope, you're going to have fun. If anyone seriously has a problem with that, it's their issue, not yours.

[pteromom]

Here's the thing. He's either trustworthy or he isn't. If he is, you are worrying over nothing and coming off as bats**t crazy for no reason.

 

If he isn't, no amount of Facebook-stalking or game-playing or crying or questioning is going to prevent him from cheating.

 

His faithfulness is out of your control. Once you really GET that, you will be able to let go of the insecurity. If it turns out he's a cheater, it's better to know that and get it out of the way so you can get on with your life. If he's into this girl and plans on leaving you for her, what would you do anyway? Fight to change his mind?

 

You have to realize that you will be OK no matter what he does. If he's faithful, you can have a happy relationship with him. If he isn't, you'll move on to find someone who is. Win for you either way.

[Yellowteacup]

:eek::eek:I did not know you could do that!

*clears search*

You can check it out in the activity log.

[aamfma3]

Nope, you're going to have fun. If anyone seriously has a problem with that, it's their issue, not yours.

 

Thanks! very true!

[HitMeNow]

Thanks!

 

I think the worst part is the scenarios I'm making up in my head. I start imagining stuff, crazy stuff!

 

He assures me that he even hardly talks to her. That he wants to be with the guys. I have told him to go when it's only the guys, why is he hanging out with single girls??

 

It bugs me. Yes, I am probably being VERY insecure, but I can't help but feel threatened. Is she giving him attention that she shouldn't? It's bugging me tons!

 

Thanks so much

 

How did you even check whose profile he's checked on facebook? I tried it and I couldnt on my profile.

 

Anyway, I think this is a tough one. What I would personally do, just go out with him and his friends once. And see how he interacts with you and with her. If he makes you a priority in front of everyone, then you have nothing to worry about.

 

Unfortunately, being with good looking people, you will always have to deal with people hitting on them, constantly and the risk that they might be attracted, but think about what kind of connection you have and how much better(hopefully) it is in comparison to any other "attraction" he can feel to a random girl.

[aamfma3]

Here's the thing. He's either trustworthy or he isn't. If he is, you are worrying over nothing and coming off as bats**t crazy for no reason.

 

If he isn't, no amount of Facebook-stalking or game-playing or crying or questioning is going to prevent him from cheating.

 

His faithfulness is out of your control. Once you really GET that, you will be able to let go of the insecurity. If it turns out he's a cheater, it's better to know that and get it out of the way so you can get on with your life. If he's into this girl and plans on leaving you for her, what would you do anyway? Fight to change his mind?

 

You have to realize that you will be OK no matter what he does. If he's faithful, you can have a happy relationship with him. If he isn't, you'll move on to find someone who is. Win for you either way.

 

VERY TRUE! My biggest fear is something happening and me NEVER finding out. That's what I am scared of. Because if he cheats I don't care, I WILL leave. I am just scared of being made an idiot, like so many people out there are. Thats what I am scared of. Is this normal? so I guess I am trying to figure a way on how to catch him, or on hope to make it not even happen.

[pteromom]

VERY TRUE! My biggest fear is something happening and me NEVER finding out. That's what I am scared of. Because if he cheats I don't care, I WILL leave. I am just scared of being made an idiot, like so many people out there are. Thats what I am scared of. Is this normal? so I guess I am trying to figure a way on how to catch him, or on hope to make it not even happen.

 

So you are letting what other people might think if he cheats and you don't find out sabotage your relationship. That doesn't make a lot of sense.

 

Unless they are VERY good, cheaters leave clues. If he starts acting differently, dressing differently, having secrets, etc. then I'd start looking more closely. Until then, I would try to relax about it because what he does is out of your control.

[aamfma3]

How did you even check whose profile he's checked on facebook? I tried it and I couldnt on my profile.

 

Anyway, I think this is a tough one. What I would personally do, just go out with him and his friends once. And see how he interacts with you and with her. If he makes you a priority in front of everyone, then you have nothing to worry about.

 

Unfortunately, being with good looking people, you will always have to deal with people hitting on them, constantly and the risk that they might be attracted, but think about what kind of connection you have and how much better(hopefully) it is in comparison to any other "attraction" he can feel to a random girl.

 

On the you activity log there are your searchs.

 

I'm freaked out by the number of cheating going on in this world. It scares me. I am scared of never finding out. And I personally think that the Facebook stalking is a redflag...But I can't seem to prove it. Ugh so ****ty.

[aamfma3]

So you are letting what other people might think if he cheats and you don't find out sabotage your relationship. That doesn't make a lot of sense.

 

Unless they are VERY good, cheaters leave clues. If he starts acting differently, dressing differently, having secrets, etc. then I'd start looking more closely. Until then, I would try to relax about it because what he does is out of your control.

 

I am scared. I know it's stupid! I am scared of never finding out. I guess I want to control his "not cheating". It makes no sense. I am just scared that he is going to the pub with these girls and making it easier to cheat. He is cheaking her facebook out making a fantasy of a person she isnt. I am scared he will not realize this. and then never tell me...

 

UGH So sorry if I am sounding crazy

[serial muse]

Here's the thing. He's either trustworthy or he isn't. If he is, you are worrying over nothing and coming off as bats**t crazy for no reason.

 

If he isn't, no amount of Facebook-stalking or game-playing or crying or questioning is going to prevent him from cheating.

 

His faithfulness is out of your control. Once you really GET that, you will be able to let go of the insecurity. If it turns out he's a cheater, it's better to know that and get it out of the way so you can get on with your life. If he's into this girl and plans on leaving you for her, what would you do anyway? Fight to change his mind?

 

You have to realize that you will be OK no matter what he does. If he's faithful, you can have a happy relationship with him. If he isn't, you'll move on to find someone who is. Win for you either way.

 

This is great advice.

 

OP, it's the fear that is really eating away at your relationship right now. Nobody here knows what's going on with your BF, but it's clear that at the very least it's consuming you. That's why I suggest doing something concrete like hanging out with them. The known is ALWAYS better than the unknown.

 

If you want, you could even mention to your BF that you're still dwelling on this and have fears about it, and would like to find a way to get past that, and you thought that perhaps getting to know these people a bit would help. Hopefully he'd support you in this.

 

Interesting that she tried to friend you, too.

Edited January 30, 2013 by serial muse

[aamfma3]

This is great advice.

 

OP, it's the fear that is really eating away at your relationship right now. Nobody here knows what's going on with your BF, but it's clear that at the very least it's consuming you. That's why I suggest doing something concrete like hanging out with them. The known is ALWAYS better than the unknown.

 

If you want, you could even mention to your BF that you're still dwelling on this and have fears about it, and would like to find a way to get past that, and you thought that perhaps getting to know these people a bit would help. Hopefully he'd support you in this.

 

Interesting that she tried to friend you, too.

 

Yeah I think I am gonna try that. It is consuming me it's crazy. I am probably feeling very insecure at the moment because of my stupid job, but him checking out her Facebook quite a but made me VERY VERY VERY insecure.

 

isn't it weird she tried adding me? Why would she do that? Ugh I hate this!

[pbjbear]

This is a tough one.

 

To be honest he is prob interested in her. Doesnt mean he'd cheat neccessarily or leave you for her, but he prob is interested. I dont search that many times for a guy unless Im interested...(if I was just curious about him, maybe once or twice....not THAT many times though)

 

Youve been together for 6 years...have you ever been interested in other guys or had crushes? Id be very surprised if you didnt

 

I feel ya on the epidemic of no morals and constant cheating. I dont think anyone who actually leaves their houseand pays attention to the world doesnt feel ya on that one. I am scared of never finding out about cheating either...some people are good liars and can get away with it for awhile without you knowing. Not every guy will leave alot of clues.

 

I wouldnt act yet, just scope out the situation more.

[serial muse]

Yeah I think I am gonna try that. It is consuming me it's crazy. I am probably feeling very insecure at the moment because of my stupid job, but him checking out her Facebook quite a but made me VERY VERY VERY insecure.

 

isn't it weird she tried adding me? Why would she do that? Ugh I hate this!

 

Aw, I know. But you know, pteromom is absolutely right - no matter what, you WILL be OK.

 

(It is a little weird that she tried adding you without having met you. But then, some people just like to collect FB friends. I know someone with upwards of 3000 of them.)

[pbjbear]

The girl might have added you because shes curious about who you are...

I have met guys I became friendly with that have girlfriends I never met. I dont add their gf's on Facebook, that seems weird, but I have wondered what type of girl they were. (Wondering about this for many reasons I wont go into...but Ill admit when I meet a man who is very flirtacious and disrespectful I do wonder what his gf is like)...

Not saying she has the same exact thought process as me...but curiosity

[aamfma3]

This is a tough one.

 

To be honest he is prob interested in her. Doesnt mean he'd cheat neccessarily or leave you for her, but he prob is interested. I dont search that many times for a guy unless Im interested...(if I was just curious about him, maybe once or twice....not THAT many times though)

 

Youve been together for 6 years...have you ever been interested in other guys or had crushes? Id be very surprised if you didnt

 

I feel ya on the epidemic of no morals and constant cheating. I dont think anyone who actually leaves their houseand pays attention to the world doesnt feel ya on that one. I am scared of never finding out about cheating either...some people are good liars and can get away with it for awhile without you knowing. Not every guy will leave alot of clues.

 

I wouldnt act yet, just scope out the situation more.

 

 

Thanks!

 

Yeah, I find other men interesting. I think it's normal, but the most importante is to not feed that feeling. I think that's where the cheating comes in. If people would stop feeding that "crush" feeling nothing would happen.

 

And by him going to her Facebook i can't help but feel like he is feeding his desire/interest in her. It's crazy.

 

I am now FEARING BIG TIME of being cheated on. Its crazy how many people do it and get away with it. I read that almost 80% of people once in their lifetime do it. And it scares me. VERY MUCH!