Simon Phoenix Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 (edited) Does this ever work or turn into anything positive? Or is this a completely useless enterprise? Looking to see if there are any stories of this working, not that it'll affect my ultimate decision too much. To make my story somewhat short (it could be longer I promise), I dated a woman (my best friend's sister-in-law) for a couple months this past spring/summer. It was completely ideal and I got really attached, freaked out at that attachment and pulled a drunken burn. She didn't respond well, mostly ignored my contact for two weeks, I then let her be for three weeks, talked to her via text a few times positively a week before having to see her for a prearranged weekend with her sister and my friend in September. I see her for two days of that, the first bad as she was cold and jilted, the second decent as she was mostly friendly. After another breadcrumb or two over the coure of a week I do the birthday text, she responds, I respond back asking how she's celebrating, she goes silent. I decide at that point (late Septemberish) to go NC. I cut off her Facebook feed and don't go to her page, complete NC. A month later I see my friend and my ex's sister on a vacation, along with my friend's brother and his wife. I was planning on contacting my ex after the trip to see where she was at. During the trip, my friend hints that I've "dodged a bullet", says that my ex has problems, that she makes horrible choices with men. My friend's brother's wife then tells me that my ex's sister told her that my ex said that she "kind of likes me but wants to see if she can do better." This obviously upsets me and I decide to scrap the contact attempt, keep NC, and move on. So I kept NC and she faded from my mind gradually. Still thought about her, but not very much. By the beginning of this month, I set up a few dates. I had hooked up with a few women right after the breakup and another before the New Year, so I thought I was all set. Not so much. These dates (three in all with three different women) brought my ex to the forefront of my mind again. And I realize that I really want her back. Problem is that while I haven't contacted her, she hasn't exactly tried to contact me either. I am very sure she creeps my Facebook page (based on info I've gotten from sources unsolicited) quite a bit, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. She is stubborn, but it's foolhardy for me to assume that she's just waiting me out to see if I crack first. And while I guess she was a forced dumper in some ways, she knows that I really like her, which makes her a regular dumper at this point in my opinion. Now I'm 99.1 percent positive she's single, as I cheated tonight and looked at her Facebook page for the first time in four months and saw nothing to indicate that she was seeing anyone. I don't know if she's been like that the entire time, as I didn't really spend much time perusing the page -- just looked at pictures and recent status updates before closing the page quickly. And if I do break NC past clicking on her Facebook page, it's not something I'm going to do immediately. But I figure if I really have any chance to reconcile with this woman (even though it was short, she's imprinted herself on me more than any other woman has, even women I've dated much longer) then I might have to swallow my pride and contact her. Can't reconcile if you don't talk. I know all the reasons I shouldn't (being the one dumped, the whole "trying to do better" thing, other fish in the sea, etc), but I'm starting not to give a f--k about that. Anyway, I was just wondering if anyone has been a part of, observed, or heard about reconciliations after a sizable NC where the dumpee is the one to break it. This very well could be a phase of my moving on and next week I'll have no desire to reconnect, but I'm starting to doubt that. Edited January 30, 2013 by Simon Phoenix
Am313 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 My humble opinion..... Nope. No it doesn't. If she wanted to talk to you she would, it's really that simple. I dated a girl 3-4 years ago that I was madly in love with. We worked together and when I lost my career she was there for me like no other. I bonded (re: attached) and then she started talking about kids and marriage etc. Then out of no where I was promptly dumped. For the next year I went on randomly talking to her, waiting a month, sometimes three at a time. She was short with me but polite, and eventually just outright ignored me. I havent spoke to her in almost three years. Guess what? If she wanted to talk to me she would have made contact. But she doesn't want to so she didn't. That was the easiest break up I ever went through. Because I realized what I just told you: if she wanted to talk to me she would. It clicked in my head and I moved the hell on. A couple months later I ended up with a perfect 10 who enjoyed my company. tl;dl: No, if she wanted to talk to you she would. Move on. 7
Ordinaryday Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Am313 summed it up perfectly. It hurts but the fact is, if the dumper wanted you back in their life then THEY WOULD CONTACT YOU. If they wanted to be with you they would contact you and start hinting around about that sort of thing. The fact that they have made no contact suggests that they are perfectly fine without you in their life. I know how much that hurts because I was dumped in October and not one day goes by where I don't hope to get a text from her saying she made a mistake and wants to try again. I thought about begging her or whatever but I realized how pointless that would be. She has my phone number. She knows how to find me on Facebook. If she wanted to contact me, then she would have. It hurts, but you have to face up to reality. 2
Am313 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 OP, how much does your ego have to do with this? 2
Author Simon Phoenix Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 I appreciate the input and trust me, that's what I've been telling myself from the jump, that if she gave a s--t she'd be the one to contact me. I definitely don't disagree with it -- I'm just starting to not really care about all that at this point, which is dumb, but whatever. But yeah, both of you have points. She's the one who initiated our first meeting when we started dating. I can't imagine she'd be sheepish about contacting me if she really wanted to, even if she thought I was mad at her (I didn't make any bold declaration of NC, I just disappeared). And like I said, I don't have any plans of breaking NC in the near future, was thinking in a month at earliest, probably longer. I might just be in a down cycle because the recent dates I went on weren't her and in a week or two I will go back to not even considering the concept. I have told myself ad nauseum the reasons not to (she's not contacting me, she has GIGS or whatever, she's got issues). Those reasons don't seem to be working as well right now. I don't want to wait around for her and for the most part I haven't. I guess I'll just hope this was a weak moment that will pass.
Author Simon Phoenix Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 (edited) OP, how much does your ego have to do with this? I'm not going to lie and say it has no impact. But I think it's more of these things 1) I don't get attached very often, so I figure there has to be a good reason for it because this is not how I roll 2) I'm impatient as f--k and it's my natural impulse to want to fix things and 3) she hasn't pissed me off to the point where I can just completely turn my thoughts for her off and go NC without a care in the world. I think if anything, my ego has shown more in the fact that I haven't contacted. Number one basically is born out of the fact that this woman was the first one where I could actually envision her at holidays with my family and even (ugh) marriage. For as short of a relationship as it was having those thoughts are messed up. And that, plus a ****load of alcohol after a day out with her at the beach, caused me to freak and basically end the relationship. Number two is just a character flaw I have. When I want something, I want it now and I'm dogged in that pursuit. NC has been counterintuitive to how I live my life, but I also know that being dogged in this situation would be a killer. Made that mistake before and vowed to never do it again. Even in my two weeks of "begging" I didn't really beg -- about 3-4 text and two voice messages, one of which she responded to "wanting" to meet then canceling. Number three is where ego comes in I guess. I tried to be mad at her for the "she thinks she could do better" thing, but I mostly just thought "good luck with that". I had another relationship with a coworker several years ago that ended ugly (she basically tried to get me trouble at work after the break out of spite). I went from 100 percent wanting her back to zero percent not caring at all instantly. Funny enough that one was one where NC worked for me. I didn't talk to her for over a year (last two months we worked together plus about a year) before running into her randomly. Went another three months after that until running into her again, which served as a reset button to her attraction toward me. She was all over me and after talking a bit, wanted to get back together. I declined. But yeah, she pissed me off enough to where I was almost instantly recovered in the span of 24 hours after spending a couple of months moping. So yeah, I guess I need my ex to tell me to f--k off or something. You'd think that ignoring me (though it's a mutual ignore right now) would serve as that, but my dumb ass hasn't had that register I guess. The one good thing about her presumably being single is that it takes off any self-imposed pressure to make my move now. Edited January 31, 2013 by Simon Phoenix
GG3 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I'm going to say something different. Your situation is similar to mine and this could easily be me. I'm not like most women and am more avoidant. My guy freaked out last summer and I was "forced to dump." He would send texts or emails that don't mean much and I gave brief answers. If I think someone isn't that into me...I will run and avoid. I won't contact. I later find out the guy was probably trying to give things another chance but I moved on. Maybe ask her for coffee? There must be some way to communicate interest without laying your heart on a chopping block?
Author Simon Phoenix Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 I'm going to say something different. Your situation is similar to mine and this could easily be me. I'm not like most women and am more avoidant. My guy freaked out last summer and I was "forced to dump." He would send texts or emails that don't mean much and I gave brief answers. If I think someone isn't that into me...I will run and avoid. I won't contact. I later find out the guy was probably trying to give things another chance but I moved on. Maybe ask her for coffee? There must be some way to communicate interest without laying your heart on a chopping block? It's this possibility is what keeps me from completely turning the page I think. Because it was my fault, at least initially, that things went south. I didn't pour my heart out after or even explain why I freaked (she wasn't talking to me right after the fact and the one weekend I did see her I didn't want to address "heavy" topics). In hindsight I probably should have pulled her aside and briefly explained myself, but alas, I didn't. Then again, I've been friends with her sister for eight years and friends with her brother-in-law for double that, so I can't imagine that she doesn't know by now that I really liked her. At the very least, her sister probably would have told her. But if I do try to make contact, coffee or lunch is the way I'd go. Like I said, it's not something I'm going to do this instant, if ever.
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