Her parents won't let mee see her again

[clia]

The reason why I won’t let her go or stay friends with her till she’s 18, is because I’ll have to wait more than 8 months. The exact amount of time we have been seeing each other. I don’t believe a relationship that short can sustain a break like that.

 

Then move on and find a woman your own age. I personally find it creepy as heck to see a 25 year old man dating a 17 year old girl. What do your parents think? What do your friends think? I mean, you can't even legally take her to a bar. The eight year age gap at this stage is just enormous.

[Balzac]

How exactly does he dump a girl he cannot have any contact with?

[Els]

It's legal over here. She'll be 18 in 8 months.

 

It's clear how you guy's think about this. I think it's a shame to let a relationship die like this. I consider her old enough to make her own decisions.

 

YOU consider her old enough to make her own decisions, but the laws and her parents do not. Given her circumstances, she is still completely dependent on her parents. If she goes against them to be with you, they disown her and throw her out, what are you going to do about it? Can you take her in and support her until such a time as she is able to attain independence? What are you going to do when the parents file a police report and the cops come for you?

 

You are playing with a lot of fire here - there is a lot at stake when you date a minor below the age of consent. People aren't saying this to judge you, they're saying this to help you. For your own sake, back off until she hits 18.

[Emilia]

I remember your previous thread about your girlfriend OP. I think you described her as very quiet and awkward. You are saying in one of your posts here that she has been doing much better. You don't think that her parents are worried however because she is quite fragile? They did give you a chance after all. At 17 and with her history she sounds very immature.

[MidwestUSA]

Now we get into the argument of reserved people like myself are basically socially, psychologically, developmentally, and possibly mentally retarded. I do so love being ridiculed for not having an in your face personality, though be it indirectly.

 

 

I don't see where anyone was talking about, much less attacking YOU!

 

 

Back to topic, what does OP mean by "she was doing much better". Better than what? Recovering from what? Shyness, social awkwardness? Something must have been going fairly well for the parents to allow 8 months before calling a halt to it. Maybe you've shown them their daughter in a whole new light that they are not comfortable with, i.e. they are seeing her as an adult. And it scares them.

 

 

There is nothing you can do as long as she lives under her parents roof and rules. Other than wait it out and see if she chooses you, or takes her new "adulthood" out into the world to explore.

[Thierro]

Yes, I’ve described her as awkward at the start of our relationship. Awkward, just like her parents. But she changed a lot since then. She communicates wonderfully. She’s honest, upfront, is more talkative, she invests in our relationship. I was really bothered by her behavior, but my opinion about her changed.

 

The age of consent here is 16 but yes, she’s still underage and can’t financially support herself or make any choices without her parents’ consent. If our feelings haven’t changed in 8 months, I’ll ask her to live in with me. I will support her the best I can.

 

My friends and family think she’s lovely. Like I have said numerous times; she doesn’t look or act 17. Everyone agrees with me. In the end she’s still a young girl that will change a lot in the next couple of years. So be it. I wasn’t actively seeking out a 16 year old girl. I didn’t know from the start and was shocked to hear she’s so young. Yes, on paper it looks freaky; 25 and 17. But whenever I talk to her or see her that all disappears.

 

I consider her old enough to know what she wants. She wants me for various reasons. She needs me at this moment in time. Time will tell if she’s going to need and want me for years to come or change her mind and indulge in a different lifestyle.

 

All I wanted to know is how I can make this situation better. The advice I got was waiting until she’s 18. But honestly, I don’t think her parents will ever agree to our relationship. So I wanted to know how I should act to my girlfriend AND her parents during this whole ordeal.

 

I asked my girlfriend to think about the situation and what SHE wants and needs. I can’t decide for her. I’m don’t believe the ‘right’ way is to stand above her and make a decision for her what may or not may be in her best interest. That’s demeaning.

[Thierro]

I don't see where anyone was talking about, much less attacking YOU!

 

Back to topic, what does OP mean by "she was doing much better". Better than what? Recovering from what? Shyness, social awkwardness? Something must have been going fairly well for the parents to allow 8 months before calling a halt to it. Maybe you've shown them their daughter in a whole new light that they are not comfortable with, i.e. they are seeing her as an adult. And it scares them.

 

There is nothing you can do as long as she lives under her parents roof and rules. Other than wait it out and see if she chooses you, or takes her new "adulthood" out into the world to explore.

 

 

I agree with everyone of you telling me that I can't do anything about her being underage (all the legal stuff) and the fact she is living with her parents.

 

What I meant with: ‘She’s doing so much better’ is that she became more vibrant, more talkative, spontaneous, outgoing, better grades at school, much warmer and caring since she met me. I haven’t done anything to make her parents think otherwise. She has been doing perfect. But nonetheless, her parents never liked me to begin with.

 

Their decision to break us up AFTER 8 months is based on nothing. They only allowed us to start dating, because they knew if they didn’t allow it, she would go about it secretively.

[Balzac]

I'm not finding that a valid argument. Their parental rights would have held w regard to a no contact order 8 mos ago. They sound positively screwy. They permit you in her bedroom, she's on oral contraceptives, that's a lot of mixed messages.

[sweetjasmine]

Their decision to break us up AFTER 8 months is based on nothing.

 

I think that email exchange about sexy pictures is definitely something that would've made them change their attitude towards you.

 

Do you realize that taking naked photos of a 17 year old could get you charged with child pornography? It doesn't matter if she's legally able to consent to sex.

[Balzac]

How small is the community you live in?

[Emilia]

How small is the community you live in?

 

excellent question

[Thierro]

I think that email exchange about sexy pictures is definitely something that would've made them change their attitude towards you.

 

Do you realize that taking naked photos of a 17 year old could get you charged with child pornography? It doesn't matter if she's legally able to consent to sex.

 

They read it as taking naked pictures of her. Like I mentioned earlier, she barely let's me make normal pictures of her. So I tried to be funny and tell her that I am a professional photographer that is able to take some 'sexy' pictures of her. With sexy, I didn't mean naked. She's sexy even with clothes on. They took it out of context. Even after that single e-mail, we talked about entirely different stuff afterwards. This wasn't about sex what so ever.

 

The only thing sexual was when she was putting her clothes on and I told her to wait and turn around a couple of times while I told her that she is very sexy. She's insecure about her body, so I only wanted to make her feel sexy. That is all. After this we talked about a history test.

 

Updates:

 

Her parents believe I should apologize to them for treating them with disrespect.

 

I think they are trying really hard to take us apart.

Edited February 7, 2013 by Thierro

[Balzac]

So let me then inquire if your refusal to apologize fueled their threat of legal action in what we can only surmise as a restraining order against you?

 

I'm not accusing you, I'm attempting to follow the progression, escalation as it seems of her parents removing you from her life. Acceptance of seeing/dating her, in fact, in their home and your's, abruptly halted. It's difficult to ascertain if the purloined emails fed into a refusal to answer your door. Perhaps they hoped to catch you engaging in sexual activity or nude photography? I'm just unclear on that.

 

It's a problem for your Lovely to secure financial aid for college if/when her parents refuse to cooperate on filing FAFSA. There are ways around that initial problem but you would be best to understand this. One would think she's in the process of making applications now? Do close by opportunities exist for her to engage in educational pursuits? You've referred only to "going away".

Edited February 7, 2013 by Balzac

[Radu]

The two of us were doing great. Her parents disliked me from the start because of my age, but they gave me a chance. I've did everything in my power to make them feel comfortable about the situation and letting them know I really like their daughter. I've did nothing wrong, but her parents never believed my intentions were good from the get go. After 8 months her mother noticed that she didn't log off on her e-mail account and she read some e-mails.

Well, you played well then.

 

Whenever I try to make pictures of my girlfriend, she tends to run away, hide her face and such. So I jokingly wrote to her: 'You know, I'm a professional photographer. I can make some sexy pictures if you'd like.' Her parents took it out of context and thought I wanted to make naked pictures. I didn't. But even if I did, so what?

No they didn't take it out of context.

That's child pornography you twit.

Corruption of a minor.

And even though she is sexually developed, everyone will class you as a pedophile.

 

Two weeks back when we were in her room I told her to undress herself and show her body to me. She's insecure, so I wanted to let her feel sexy and wanted. This is something her parents read as well.

You put this over logged digital media ?

Let me explain this to you in baby steps from a legal pov.

Everything you put online, even if anonymous on a forum, is public.

And it's logged.

And it can be subpoenad.

 

We haven't had sex yet even though the both of us really want to. We want to wait a bit. Before all of this she started taking the pill with her parents consent. So they knew it was coming eventually.

I hope it's in those mails that she is still a virgin.

 

They threatened with legal actions. I need to disappear from her life.

Forget legal action, you have the potential to enter a nonsanctioned marriage with a guy called Bubba.

 

It’s serious. We have a great time together, but she has very paranoid parents. I’m not the only one having problems with her parents. Like I said; they are socially awkward at best. They don’t have friends, don’t leave the house, have issues in their own relationship and so on.

Socially awkwardness is something our society doesn't actually reward, but that doesn't mean that someone is legally punished for it.

Having sex with an underage kid can be, and child pornography is definitely.

They don't even need to prove it, the case can just fail ... it just needs to be on your record to completely screw up your life.

 

Back off, stay clear for 8months.

Find a hobby, study for something, improve yourself.

If you can, rekindle the romance then.

 

Your level of naivety borders on astounding, but it's not just you.

It's your entire generation [though i'm older than you by just 6yrs], that is simply generally ... not that wise, something awefully apparent in an increasingly complex society.

[Radu]

Thierro, did you talk about her being a virgin through digital media after the offer to take pictures ?

 

If you did, talk to a lawyer, but they can't prove that you did anything wrong.

 

If you did, do appeasement with them, but still talk to a lawyer.

 

What i'm worried about is her losing her virginity with some other guy, of her own age ... only for you to be blamed for it and to have legal action brought against you.

[Thierro]

that still isn't appropriate or tasteful. learn from it. i'd break it off and next time pick closer to your own age.

 

What's distasteful about making your girlfriend feel sexy and wanted? She's 17, she's not 12 or unknown to sex.

 

So let me then inquire if your refusal to apologize fueled their threat of legal action in what we can only surmise as a restraining order against you?

 

I'm not accusing you, I'm attempting to follow the progression, escalation as it seems of her parents removing you from her life. Acceptance of seeing/dating her, in fact, in their home and your's, abruptly halted. It's difficult to ascertain if the purloined emails fed into a refusal to answer your door. Perhaps they hoped to catch you engaging in sexual activity or nude photography? I'm just unclear on that.

 

It's a problem for your Lovely to secure financial aid for college if/when her parents refuse to cooperate on filing FAFSA. There are ways around that initial problem but you would be best to understand this. One would think she's in the process of making applications now? Do close by opportunities exist for her to engage in educational pursuits? You've referred only to "going away".

 

Honestly, I have no idea. I have no clue why this whole situation exploded like this. I told everything I know. I feel like a restraining order is an empty threat. They can do whatever they want. Age of consent is 16, so I have nothing to worry about. Here over in Europe age isn’t that big of a deal. I know in the US it’s more frowned upon. The cops can’t do a thing. I would gladly let the cops come over and show them every single e-mail I wrote to her. I’d gladly let them talk to her and show them how mature she is and how f’d up her parents are. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’d buy me a drink afterwards. They have nothing on me. I rather talk to the police than her parents.

 

I’m thankful for you to try and understand the situation, but there’s nothing to understand about it. The e-mails weren’t that bad and her parents knew we would have sex eventually because we discussed BC with them.

 

They don’t believe that I am genuine. Whenever I arrive at my girlfriends house, I am polite to her parents. Sometimes her mom isn’t in the room and does stuff upstairs or somewhere else in the house. I found out through my girlfriend that she disliked it that I didn’t come to say hi. I don’t want to bother her or disturb her. So I told her I will come say ‘hi’ whenever I come over, so I did. I tried to have a conversation with her each time, but my girlfriend told me she thought it was too fabricated.

 

One time I was watching a movie at 00:00 at her place in her room. Her mom looked irritated when I got down stairs. It turned out it was too late for me to be staying there and that I should’ve left. Next time I saw her I told her I would’ve liked it if she was upfront with me and tell me when she is bothered by something. I made sure I left the house before 00:00 after that.

 

When they came to talk here without my girlfriend present, they came two hours too late. I told them I find it disrespectful to me and not decent. They thought that I was being disrespectful.

 

During those 8 months I have been polite. I tried to talk to her parents, but it’s difficult when their eyes tell me they want me gone. Every time I come over I stay downstairs for a while. The same for when I am leaving. I always say thank you, help out with the dishes, cooking and cleaning.

She’ll start her bachelor degree in September. Maybe there’s a possibility for us to share a room somewhere. But it’s going to be very expensive to live in the city, go to school and have a side job.

[Thierro]

Well, you played well then.

 

 

No they didn't take it out of context.

That's child pornography you twit.

Corruption of a minor.

And even though she is sexually developed, everyone will class you as a pedophile.

 

 

You put this over logged digital media ?

Let me explain this to you in baby steps from a legal pov.

Everything you put online, even if anonymous on a forum, is public.

And it's logged.

And it can be subpoenad.

 

 

I hope it's in those mails that she is still a virgin.

 

 

Forget legal action, you have the potential to enter a nonsanctioned marriage with a guy called Bubba.

 

 

Socially awkwardness is something our society doesn't actually reward, but that doesn't mean that someone is legally punished for it.

Having sex with an underage kid can be, and child pornography is definitely.

They don't even need to prove it, the case can just fail ... it just needs to be on your record to completely screw up your life.

 

Back off, stay clear for 8months.

Find a hobby, study for something, improve yourself.

If you can, rekindle the romance then.

 

Your level of naivety borders on astounding, but it's not just you.

It's your entire generation [though i'm older than you by just 6yrs], that is simply generally ... not that wise, something awefully apparent in an increasingly complex society.

 

It's not child pornography, my friend. I'm not doing anything illegal what so ever. 'Making sexy photographs with her clothes on' isn't pornography

 

How small is the community you live in?

 

195.000

[Balzac]

Undoubtedly you've made extreme efforts to appease her parents. Remind yourself that trying to understand or make sense of crazy is futile.

The girl will very likely get in contact w you some way. It's really all about your desire to be with her. You seem to get the legality issues so that's all folks here were really concerned about. Trust in biological desires my friend. She's got basic drives.

[Thierro]

Undoubtedly you've made extreme efforts to appease her parents. Remind yourself that trying to understand or make sense of crazy is futile.

The girl will very likely get in contact w you some way. It's really all about your desire to be with her. You seem to get the legality issues so that's all folks here were really concerned about. Trust in biological desires my friend. She's got basic drives.

 

Trying to understand crazy is indeed futile. But I'd like to know how I should deal with the unreasonable behavior of her parents.

 

Do I apologize for the things I didn't do? I feel very angry with them and that's exactly where they want me. Should I let them treat me with disrespect so that I can keep seeing my girlfriend?

[clia]

But I'd like to know how I should deal with the unreasonable behavior of her parents.

 

You are failing to grasp that it isn't at all unreasonable for her parents to not want their 17 year old daughter to date a 25 year old man. No matter how they felt about you previously, or what they put up with previously, they have now decided that they don't want you to see her. Maybe they have picked up on some of your relationship/dating issues that you've mentioned in previous posts on this site, and think you are not a good match for their daughter. When she turns 18 and is living independently, she can date whoever she wants to date.

 

If you don't want to deal with "unreasonable" parents, then date an adult, not a child.

[MidwestUSA]

Whoa, back up a minute.

 

Let me get this straight. You are insecure when she goes out with friends, sick to your stomach when she uses FB or Twitter, and want to two of you to "live in a bubble" (your words). Um, I'm getting the clue. And am frankly shocked her parents let this go as long as they did. Their heads must be buried pretty far into the sand.