westcoastguy Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 From a website, I read the following regarding relationships that are mature (year-ish) and are "solid": "A breakup will occur, motivated by only one of the lovers. The rejected individual should know that their future together depends on the skill with which he or she handles that crisis. If the hurting individual can remain calm, the next two steps may be reconciliation and marriage. It often happens that way. If not, then no amount of pleading will change anything." What are your thoughts? Is this true?
thembones Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 If my ex told me it was all a test, I would feel even more betrayed. Sounds like some bull**** from an optimist to me. It's possible, but shady. 1
todreaminblue Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 From a website, I read the following regarding relationships that are mature (year-ish) and are "solid": "A breakup will occur, motivated by only one of the lovers. The rejected individual should know that their future together depends on the skill with which he or she handles that crisis. If the hurting individual can remain calm, the next two steps may be reconciliation and marriage. It often happens that way. If not, then no amount of pleading will change anything." What are your thoughts? Is this true? I dont see the necessity of putting someone through devastation to test how they react in a crisis, you are meant to weather crisis together, not separately when you are in a relationship.i think its horrible, if i found out someone put me through a break up test and did it dishonestly as well...its would be the end for me ...its not very caring or considerate....a bit off putting..break someones heart watch them squirm see if they stay calm....cruel.......deb
NoMoreJerks Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 If my ex told me it was all a test, I would feel even more betrayed. Sounds like some bull**** from an optimist to me. It's possible, but shady. If my bf ever pulls that sh*t to "test" me, I'm going apesh*t crazy on him. I didn't beg, etc the last time he broke up with me, but it doesn't mean I didn't feel like sh*t for the next month that we were broken up. I will not forgive someone who can put me through that, just so that he can play some sick mind game because he has trust issues. Seriously, someone who pulls that sh*t shold f*ck off and grow the f*ck up. 1
LduKaZ Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I think you are all interpreting these theory wrong. I dont think the dumper does this things on purpose. I think its more like a GIGS theory. Subconsiously one of the lovers starts doubting the ability of the other to keep then interesed in a long comitted relationship. And the biggest truth is, the dumped almost never keeps calm. 1
Phoe Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I have a friend who's gf keeps doing this to him. The first time she dumped him he just went "ok...." and didn't fight her and cut off contact so that he could just move on. She FLIPPED OUT and was like "why aren't you fighting for me?!? why aren't you chasing after me?!?! you don't even want me BLAHBLAHRAAAH" - she completely admitted it was just a test. She's done it twice more since. And he responds the same every time and she runs back to shout at him. What I don't get... is why he continues to put up with her and take her back EVERY TIME. 1
joli_doll Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I'll keep it short & sweet testing=not ready for marriage. Totally agree with everyone else on the effects of testing your partner.
LostOne1 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 From a website, I read the following regarding relationships that are mature (year-ish) and are "solid": "A breakup will occur, motivated by only one of the lovers. The rejected individual should know that their future together depends on the skill with which he or she handles that crisis. If the hurting individual can remain calm, the next two steps may be reconciliation and marriage. It often happens that way. If not, then no amount of pleading will change anything." What are your thoughts? Is this true? I hate to say it.. but I feel my ex did this.. except it backfired on her, because it made me do things I'd never had done before. I never once ever begged her in my life. even when we fought I'd let it go and give it a few days to calm down. This was the first time I freaked out and handled the BU so badly.. that I think I saw a side of me and showed her a side of me that was so weak and fragile. I've now realized I took the BU so badly. If I was a tough enough person, I'd have told her if she's done with me then I am done with her and NEVER looked back. But I made rookie mistakes of running back to her over and over. Guess I wanted it to work out some how, but failed to realized if she doesn;'t want it then there is no point. But I feel she did it, because she wanted me to hurt, so that when she got back later to town. That I'd have changed my ways or changed as a person and then she would evaluate me and see if she wants to continue.
LostOne1 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I have a friend who's gf keeps doing this to him. The first time she dumped him he just went "ok...." and didn't fight her and cut off contact so that he could just move on. She FLIPPED OUT and was like "why aren't you fighting for me?!? why aren't you chasing after me?!?! you don't even want me BLAHBLAHRAAAH" - she completely admitted it was just a test. She's done it twice more since. And he responds the same every time and she runs back to shout at him. What I don't get... is why he continues to put up with her and take her back EVERY TIME. Because he has her for now... and he knows she will run back to him. If she actually ran and went NC.. then after awhile I bet he would wonder why she hasn't and freak out.
Phoe Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Because he has her for now... and he knows she will run back to him. If she actually ran and went NC.. then after awhile I bet he would wonder why she hasn't and freak out. I'm still not understanding... Why would he choose to stay with a girlfriend who is back and forth drama, breaking up with him and running back again, shouting at him and just this huge emotional rollercoaster, when he could just be rid of her and move on to a stable girl who doesn't play games??
todreaminblue Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I hate to say it.. but I feel my ex did this.. except it backfired on her, because it made me do things I'd never had done before. I never once ever begged her in my life. even when we fought I'd let it go and give it a few days to calm down. This was the first time I freaked out and handled the BU so badly.. that I think I saw a side of me and showed her a side of me that was so weak and fragile. I've now realized I took the BU so badly. If I was a tough enough person, I'd have told her if she's done with me then I am done with her and NEVER looked back. But I made rookie mistakes of running back to her over and over. Guess I wanted it to work out some how, but failed to realized if she doesn;'t want it then there is no point. But I feel she did it, because she wanted me to hurt, so that when she got back later to town. That I'd have changed my ways or changed as a person and then she would evaluate me and see if she wants to continue. seems a bit lab rat to me, an experiment based on reactions then an evaluation and or examination and finally the conclusion....but without previous knowledge so a blind test.....we all test to a certain degree push boundaries...but more of an exploration and not with trauma attached.....
LostOne1 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I'm still not understanding... Why would he choose to stay with a girlfriend who is back and forth drama, breaking up with him and running back again, shouting at him and just this huge emotional rollercoaster, when he could just be rid of her and move on to a stable girl who doesn't play games?? Either he doesn't have anyone else in mind yet so he's going with the flow he could also be doing it, because he really does like her. But he won't stand her BS and so he shows he doesn't care. I did that with my ex. I got tired of her always getting mad at me and then she would delete me from FB and say she doesn't want to do anything with me. Then a day later apologize for acting rude and would ask me to add her. I guess looking back your right.. I should've ended it on my end. But I guess I just kept thinking the future is better and maybe she will learn that our love is strong. I just accepted thats how she was and over time she would change. But she never did... and I kept believing it. Ironic enough I bet she feels the same way about me for some stuff. That I'd change, but I never did.. and she pulled the BU trigger before me, so she would have power over me at the end. That's why your friend is in BIG trouble when she DOES one day BU and NOT chase him. He will become what I became for awhile. Whiny and all beggy etc.. and it WILL happen to him, because once he realizes shes gone and isn't running back. He normal reaction will be to run after her and in the end she will have total power.
LostOne1 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 seems a bit lab rat to me, an experiment based on reactions then an evaluation and or examination and finally the conclusion....but without previous knowledge so a blind test.....we all test to a certain degree push boundaries...but more of an exploration and not with trauma attached..... Well it didn't make sense to me. My ex after the BU told me later on that if we didn';t fight after the BU she woulda gotten back with me. Now wether this is an excuse or if it's the truth it shows it was a test. No one BU's then says I was gonna get back with you unless it's a test. Or it's a terrible excuse to make herself feel better. 1
todreaminblue Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Well it didn't make sense to me. My ex after the BU told me later on that if we didn';t fight after the BU she woulda gotten back with me. Now wether this is an excuse or if it's the truth it shows it was a test. No one BU's then says I was gonna get back with you unless it's a test. Or it's a terrible excuse to make herself feel better. It makes no sense to me lost one, I think you should only ever break up when its over and there is no chance of compromise or working it out, the relationship is established so putting it on holdfro a test, seems to m e, a pointless and fruitless waste of time and effort...yoru ex ....well lucky she is an ex huh?...smilin atcha..........deb
LostOne1 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 It makes no sense to me lost one, I think you should only ever break up when its over and there is no chance of compromise or working it out, the relationship is established so putting it on holdfro a test, seems to m e, a pointless and fruitless waste of time and effort...yoru ex ....well lucky she is an ex huh?...smilin atcha..........deb Well I have totally NO IDEA what she was doing. Because when she said it was over. I said fine I'm moving on and that's when I heard her voice break down. I could sense she was shocked I would move on almost like she didn't want me to. So I don't know how sure she was... my guess was she was under a lot of stress and was mad at me and other things, so she let her anger out on everyone else like usual. On top of that she had a replacement for me, a guy who was a roomate for that month and he was comforting her, making dinner every night etc.. so I guess to her she felt it was over. I'm sure once she got back to town she probably felt the pain more, because now that guy isn't next to her to comfort her nor am I now. To be honest.. I'll NEVER know WHAT went through her and what changed her so much. All I know is she said YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU PUT ME THROUGH AND WHAT I"VE GONE THROUGH... and that was the best explanation I got out of her. I know her trip away for 2 months was horrible and scary from what I know. But I kinda have found my own closure is that sometimes things are better left untold and unsaid.. people here were right. After a certain time you don't need closure. You find it within to accept it is how it is... I won't lie I wish for her one day to come back to me at least to say sorry. At least I can know I was in fact a good like her she told me always and as others girls have always said to me... that I'm a great catch and they have no idea why no one has caught me up. My ex had a chance and I think she loved what she had caught. But I guess some where along the ride things changed us and experiences did too. 1
Own Worst Enemy Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 And how much do they want to charge you to read on for these amazing techniques? If the ex wants you back, maybe they'll come back. Otherwise there is absolutely not one thing you can do except make yourself feel better and move on... 1
todreaminblue Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Well I have totally NO IDEA what she was doing. Because when she said it was over. I said fine I'm moving on and that's when I heard her voice break down. I could sense she was shocked I would move on almost like she didn't want me to. So I don't know how sure she was... my guess was she was under a lot of stress and was mad at me and other things, so she let her anger out on everyone else like usual. On top of that she had a replacement for me, a guy who was a roomate for that month and he was comforting her, making dinner every night etc.. so I guess to her she felt it was over. I'm sure once she got back to town she probably felt the pain more, because now that guy isn't next to her to comfort her nor am I now. To be honest.. I'll NEVER know WHAT went through her and what changed her so much. All I know is she said YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU PUT ME THROUGH AND WHAT I"VE GONE THROUGH... and that was the best explanation I got out of her. I know her trip away for 2 months was horrible and scary from what I know. But I kinda have found my own closure is that sometimes things are better left untold and unsaid.. people here were right. After a certain time you don't need closure. You find it within to accept it is how it is... I won't lie I wish for her one day to come back to me at least to say sorry. At least I can know I was in fact a good like her she told me always and as others girls have always said to me... that I'm a great catch and they have no idea why no one has caught me up. My ex had a chance and I think she loved what she had caught. But I guess some where along the ride things changed us and experiences did too. To me a breakup is extremely painful because when i am in a relationship i give it all i have, through good times and bad i am loyal....so yeah i understand it must have been really hard for you and from what you write it was hard on her too, playing games with a relationship just shouldn't be done, you are right about the closure, I dont think a sorry is needed i think you know she is,there is truth in the statement you never know what you have until its gone.....and that goes normally for the dumper, be reassured you have the right stuff, and i hope in the next relationship you have, your experiences will help make a strong and supportive relationship with soemoen who doesnt believe in games....best wishes....deb 1
SerCay Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 From a website, I read the following regarding relationships that are mature (year-ish) and are "solid": "A breakup will occur, motivated by only one of the lovers. The rejected individual should know that their future together depends on the skill with which he or she handles that crisis. If the hurting individual can remain calm, the next two steps may be reconciliation and marriage. It often happens that way. If not, then no amount of pleading will change anything." What are your thoughts? Is this true? well.. My boyfriend used to dump me like monthly everytime we had a big fight.. I always reacted calmly and he always came back. Also kept telling me it was a test because he was so frustrated he didn't see a way out except dumping me. Eventually, I got so sick of the dumping that I started dating another guy who treated me like a princess for the 2 months I was dating him. After some pursuing of his side, I got back together with my boyfriend, because I did love him, despite my anger for the dumping. And now? My boyfriend's self esteem is completely ruined by my dating someone else. Our relationship is completely ruined because of this and he says he can never trust me again. But it's all his own fault.. I don't care anymore.. this is the price to pay when you keep dumping somebody who loves you and who you love purely out of frustration and testing to see if she'll fight for you. I became numb... So my advice ...DONT EVERRR DUMP SOMEBODY AS A TEST you will be the one that loses...eventually Dont play games in love! 2
LostOne1 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 To me a breakup is extremely painful because when i am in a relationship i give it all i have, through good times and bad i am loyal....so yeah i understand it must have been really hard for you and from what you write it was hard on her too, playing games with a relationship just shouldn't be done, you are right about the closure, I dont think a sorry is needed i think you know she is,there is truth in the statement you never know what you have until its gone.....and that goes normally for the dumper, be reassured you have the right stuff, and i hope in the next relationship you have, your experiences will help make a strong and supportive relationship with soemoen who doesnt believe in games....best wishes....deb Well I think she believes I am the one with a MORE or HIGHER loss. Basically meaning that she thinks she's the best girl out there and by me losing her I won't find anyone better than her. She would always tell me that when we fought, that no one would love me like she does etc.. So I doubt she is feeling bad, I think she feels good thinking I won't get better than her or that I must be suffering and thinking I lost the best thing ever and mourning over and over. Truth is as time is going along I am realizing more and more, that she is NOT right for me. And that I feel less and less for her. I agree we don't realize what we lost till it's gone. I hope she sees it too one day, where she looks back and realizes what she broke. She might believe it was going to break or not work anyways.
Njeanne Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Bull! Why would you break up with someone you love and had no issue with? I read on a different forum that someone broke up with his gf once to see how much she loved him. If she were to tell him "I love you, come back too me" he would go back to her. She went No Contact instantly, never begged and pleaded and when he posted he was still waiting. ...Some people are childish.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I'm still not understanding... Why would he choose to stay with a girlfriend who is back and forth drama, breaking up with him and running back again, shouting at him and just this huge emotional rollercoaster, when he could just be rid of her and move on to a stable girl who doesn't play games?? Easy sex. I have a buddy who had a girlfriend dump him twice to "test" him over the course of 2.5 years. The first time she lasted a week and came back and he was like "Ok, sure, whatever." The second time she held out for a month and he didn't make an effort to get her back. She caved, he took her back because to him, it was better than having to go out and make an effort to hook up with someone. The third time she broke up with him it finally stuck. And he didn't fight for her then either.
carhill Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 IME breakups are breakups. Over and done. BTDT, both the non-legal and legal kind. The legal kind are just more expensive. A person's absence is an answer. 1
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