grace777 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 But nearly every post on this site is about how much the ex hates the other ex for betraying them. So I thought I'd post this, from a different perspective. Mine did also betray me - or did she? We were together for over 3 years and had a very deep love. Very suddenly, she wanted out. I later found out there was another woman. I'm a woman too, btw - but I don't hate her for wanting out. We have a 13 year age gap between us. I'm older and she's now 22. She's recently gone back to college out of state. The first two years, we were nearby, but the last year+ has been long distance. We've been able to see each other monthly, and at Christmas or summer, for months on end, so it hasn't been too bad for me. However, I know the distance has been harder on her. I'm much more established, being in my 30's and in a career with solid friends and family nearby. She would get lonely though, very lonely when we were apart, when she went away to school. Couple that with the temptations of the early 20's college life...well, we just didn't make it. And it hurt, don't get me wrong. I'm still dealing. She was the love of my life. She still is. But I don't hate her. I want her to pursue her goals and dreams, and to experience life. I was always afraid that she'd end up resenting me later because she was in this committed relationship throughout this transitional time in her life. That somehow, later, she'd look back and wonder...if only I'd have... It hurts, though, because she found someone else almost immediately. And I don't respect the new girl because I feel she's manipulative and using my ex for her beauty, as a rebound to her own ex-relationship, and for money (my ex's family is quite wealthy). But as hard as it's been, I've gotten to a point that I get it. I want my ex to be happy. I truly want her to have what I couldn't give her...a person by her side each and every day. And while it breaks my heart to lose her and to know she's with this other woman, sharing that intimate side of her - I still understand why she's done it. I don't believe that she ever got the chance to get over us. And nothing went wrong before the breakup. Just the distance for over a month before it happened. We had just come off of a highly romantic 4 month summer, where we were together daily and madly in love. We seriously talked about marriage, even eloping, and building our futures together. But she always was so sad when we'd have to say goodbye for the LDR part. We are not enemies, and talk on occasion - once every couple weeks, but I do love her dearly still. And I think she does too, although I do not know for sure. The new girl is highly possessive and jealous (she broke off an 8 year relationship to be with my ex...so of course she's worried). The new woman hates that me and my ex still do talk, but honestly, I don't give a sh**. I enjoy talking to her. She means the world to me, and I am not trying to come between them. But she is my friend. It's sad because, like many of you out there, she used to be my best friend. We were also close before we even started dating. She's been in my life a long time. I do not want her back. And even if she did realize in the near future that she wants me and made a mistake, I wouldn't go back to a relationship with her. The only thing I want now is an entirely new relationship. One where we are friends. Now in a couple of years, when she's done with school, moves back and is on a more stable page...if then she wants to try again...and I'm single and she's single...then maybe I'd consider it. But that is way down the line. I have accepted that what we had was beautiful and amazing and love-filled, and is now over. She made mistakes, and so did I. The breakup was hard, and it didn't need to be as hard as it was, but the age difference played out in that scenario. It illuminated to me that I had to let her go. She and I are just on different pages of our lives right now. She hurt me. It still f-ing hurts! But I do still wish only the best for her. I guess these are just my thoughts - more like a diary. But am I wrong for not hating this young woman? She didn't treat me right at the end, but she was amazing throughout. And that is what I choose to remember.
stevie_23 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I don’t hate my ex either. He was wonderful to me during our almost 2 years together. The fact he ended things and the WAY he ended things do not change what I feel about our overall relationship. I also wish him all the happiness in the world and hope he will be ok. I don’t want him to be unhappy just because that might bring some small comfort. It still doesn’t mean he will ever come back to me. I still love him and a part of me always will. I cannot hate him.
Author grace777 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 I completely agree - and I've read some of your other posts, Stevie, and you have a very similar stance as me. I prefer to look at our past relationship as amazing, because it was. Yes, it fell apart during that last week, but the 3+ years prior were amazing. And I'm grateful for that. I do have to admit, that a very negative part of me wants my ex to wake up to the manipulation of this new girl (because I really feel she's bad news), but that's for her to do in her own time and in her own way. And I don't want her to experience pain - I just want the new new, negative influence to leave the picture. That's not my call though, and I of course never voice that thought...other than on this site. ha.
stevie_23 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Well, ok, it can be viewed as a negative aspect of your feelings that you want her to wake up to this new girl’s manipulation, but it can also be viewed as just an extension of your general caring for her, as if this girl IS manipulating her, then obviously that’s not good for your ex, is it? So that’s not negative in my opinion, of you to feel that way. Also, when a relationship was really good, after it ends and if they’re with someone new, you can’t help but feel that you were better for her than this person, that you would STILL be better for her. And you may well be. But…it still doesn’t change anything unfortunately. The heart knows no logic.
Author grace777 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 word up, stevie - but i hope her heart wakes up one day to what we had. it may be too late for us, but i just want her to realize it. and know that i sincerely do and did care for her...not because of her beauty or her money, but because of her soul, her intellect, and her heart.
stevie_23 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I think she knows you care for her, and that you cared for her deeply while you were together. At least you have that comfort – that she knew she was loved by you. I find that helps. No regrets, you know?
Author grace777 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 Yeah - thanks for confirming that. I hope she does know it too. Her birthday is next week and I do plan on contacting her at that time. I have been in a NC zone for the last couple weeks because she was confusing me with mixed signals at the start of the month, but I feel that it's appropriate for me to send a text or maybe even a call and wish her well. Like i said, we aren't enemies...however, we aren't buddy buddy either. It's weird to me that so many people have been talking about their exes also having b-days coming up, which means they are also all Aquarius', like my ex. I do follow astrology a bit, and find that to be a very strange coincidence, with all these breakups where the dumper is an Aquarius. Anyways, how are you doing now? You offer so much great and sound insight, yet don't ask for much about your own situation. How are you and your current partner? You said you may not be sure you're even gay... Does that pose a problem with you two?? I assume it would..?
stevie_23 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Oh, believe me, I blabbed a whole lot about my own situation when I first came on here! I’ve blabbed enough. And yeah, it helps to get insights, advice and experiences from people who’ve been there, done that, but at the end of the day, everything I do, feel and think is up to me. I’m on my own really. Only I can work out how I feel, how I want to feel and what I want to do about it, you know? I also find it more helpful for my own sanity and peace of mind to try to understand others’ situations and offer my own insights. In terms of my long term relationship, nothing has changed. I don’t know if I’m gay anymore, no, but that doesn’t change the fact I love and care for my partner. We were never that big on the sexual side (well, she would’ve been but I wasn’t) and haven’t been “intimate” in that way for MANY years. The majority of our 11.5 years together in fact. This hints to me that I may never have been gay at all. I find it quite interesting. Lol.
Author grace777 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 Yeah, I'd say that's a big indicator! Haha... I was quite the opposite. I tried to be with men for all of my young adult and adult life - dated, did the sex thing and was never fully satisfied. Then she came along, and POW! What the Hell just happened?!! It was an awakening to thoughts and desires I'd suppressed for all those years - turns out, I should have listened to myself...because woah, was I missing out!! We couldn't keep our hands off of each other, and still, even after the breakup, I am now pursuing women rather than men. Men were my friends and I enjoyed making out, but I love women - this much I know. I think you are the opposite - or maybe... How can I presume to know you at all? Sorry for that assumption. Are you happy to stay in that situation? Is she? Does she know about the man you were in love with for 2 years? Just ignore me if my questions are too invasive. I won't take offense
stevie_23 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 No, you’re right - this is kind of the same for me, but the opposite. Since I got together with my ex, I noticed I felt more comfortable and interested in men. All I wanted in terms of a man was him, but I was just…more open. And now I have these 2 good online male friends, which I know I’d never have had before I got together with my ex, cause I never could’ve opened up to any men like that. Now I find myself only really interested in men, BUT…they’re only older men (like my ex) and men who are like my ex. Basically I just want him, and if I can’t have him, then I want someone exactly like him. Maybe even a cardboard cut out. Lol. My partner has no idea of my feelings. She of course knows there’s been no sex for 100 years, but we’re kind of just…comfortable. That’s not necessarily a good thing at all, for either of us, but…yeah. It is what it is, for now anyway. And she has no idea about my ex either. God, that would just wreck her. And shock her too. I used to always say I was SO gay that even on reality shows like American Idol and such, I would have no interest in watching the parts with only guys in it. I couldn’t tell them apart and would be bored stupid watching them. Whereas, the GIRLS I’d know all their names right away. Lol. Pretty much no question is too invasive for me.
Author grace777 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 Oh wow, that's complicated - I can tell you really love your partner and don't want to hurt her, but to me, it seems like you're selling yourself short. Have you ever hooked up with a man? I mean since you've discovered these feelings you have? Because if it's anything like what I went through, and you haven't, you must! It will change everything. I'm not saying cheat. But maybe a discussion with your partner is in order sometime soon? It sounds like you're pretty sure of your attraction to men. And I find it strange that she's okay with no sexual relationship with you at all... I know that as relationships go on and last longer, they build in stability and safety - and that sometimes the sex can decrease, but no sex in 100 years?!! THAT SUCKS! And glad that nothing is too invasive...let's see how far we can push this envelope! Hahaha
stevie_23 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Well, I don’t know what I want really. Who knows if I actually got together with a man, even if I truly loved him and felt attracted to him in all ways, physical, sexual, spiritual, mental and emotional, whether I’d be able to be “intimate” with him or not. I suspect I would, but it may take some time. Or maybe it’d be easy. I have no idea. I’ve never done it before. I feel like I’ve always been scared of guys, so never even considered my ability to be with one in any intimate or emotionally close way. But now…well…that’s all changed. Maybe I was never gay, but rather, I was scared and intimidated, and now I’m not anymore it’s like a door has been opened and remains so. I feel worse about the fact I’m selling my partner short. Like, she deserves someone who is 100% into her. I used to feel we had the perfect relationship for about the first 5 or so years, apart from the lack of sex. But…yeah. Then my feelings changed…the “in love” part kind of faded. It took me ages to admit it to myself, even long before I met my ex. Oh, and feel free to rip that envelope right open! lol. Seriously. I am an open book online. Very closed book in person though.
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