Is this a normal “cooling off” period or silent treatment/emotional abuse?

[TaraMaiden]

Originally Posted by CC12

So this is where you get it from.

I'm not a lawyer.

 

But I learn quick.

 

So sue me.

[D-Lish]

I'm not a lawyer.

 

But I learn quick.

 

So sue me.

 

You stole my lips girl...

[TaraMaiden]

You stole my lips girl...

 

(Not for long - I change them once a week - Sundays, usually.....)

[clia]

Huh. I kind of have a different perspective than most of you and don't see why he's being painted as such a bad guy.

 

He never said he would go to this cabaret thing -- OP assumed he would go. It sounds like it was brought up once a month ago, and then not mentioned again until the day it happened. I mean:

 

He responded a little while later, after the event, “If I had understood this event was important to you, I would have to have rearranged my activities on Saturday.” We had spent Saturday at his house as normal, just watching TV.

 

Sounds more like miscommunication than anything else. He wasn't interested in going, never said he would go, and probably didn't think much of it. OP, were you talking about this event in the weeks leading up to it? Did you tell him it was important to you that he go? It doesn't sound like it from your post. In the future, you should make it clear when things are important to you. I don't know...the older I get the less inclined I am to go to things that don't interest me at all, especially when they occur on a work night. Especially if my boyfriend doesn't tell me he is going to be so hurt and troubled if I don't go. I kind of get where he is coming from here.

 

From the sounds of your exchanges, he really didn't realize the importance of this to you, and then you laid a bit of a guilt trip on him for not going, so now he feels bad about it. And he's probably sitting there wondering what the heck he did wrong and is getting pissed off about it. From his perspective -- you brought this up a month ago, he never said he would go, you never told him it was important to you, and now you are pissed because he didn't want to go? I don't know...

 

Two days sounds like a typical cooling off, thinking about things type of timeframe. I don't get why you would even accuse him of emotional abuse. That seems a bit dramatic.

 

Also, I don't get what the problem with the their arrangement is. He spends practically the entire weekend with the OP -- Friday evening until Sunday at 2 of together time. That's three days a week out of seven. Does he refuse to see you during the week OP?

[newmoon]

i'm in my 30s and dating a much older man too. they are actually quite difficult b/c they are 'set' in how they think/act, and going out for them truly isn't as much fun as it is for us younger folks. the fact that you have a routine with him friday-sunday is a great thing and shows he's actually bonded to you. it's 100% for the best to let a guy cool off before talking with him or making him talk to you. don't push for talking before anyone is ready - women tend to do that and imo it really hurts the communication process more than it helps. men need to process stuff for longer and sort it out and especially an older guy - he'll want to dwell on it even more and think it through. and being a lawyer - even more.

 

don't let comments like 'it's lame' hurt you too much. my bf says that stuff to me often as well - i like to do tons of stuff and often he'll say 'it's childish' 'it's dumb' and some variation of those things. it hurts that he doesn't want to do my stuff, but i go alone and realize it's a difference in age(s) and he truly doesn't want to do them but says yes (at the time) to make me happy. your bf might have done a similar thing - agreed to make you happy when he truly didn't want to go. learn to read him better and understand what he really likes.

[pbjbear]

Didnt read all of the replies but

 

This guy sounds insensitive and pretty selfish.

 

Due to his age, Id say hes not going to change.

 

Either you learn to accept this (his insensitivity and communication problems) or let go

[FitChick]

He varied from his routine once because his parents had asked us over for dinner on a Sunday night.

 

Your Honor, I rest my case.

 

This man isn't going to change. Accept it or move on.

[Treasa]

I don't think it's a big deal that he didn't want to go to the cabaret. On that note, I don't think you should watch football with him unless you actually want to watch football. I have my doubts that it's "important" to him if you watch it with him or not.

 

I can also see the cooling off bit. For some reason there seems to be a lot of tension in this thread. He's just trying to take his time so he doesn't say something to further upset you.

 

Now, as for the ridigity...that's something you have to decide if you're ok with or not. That's still a little more than two days with him each week. Unless I'm married to someone, that's plenty of time for me, but if it's not for you, then you have to decide that.

 

I can understand the dinner with his parents thing. That's something he wanted to do. He didn't want to go to the cabaret. And if he had known it was important to you ahead of time, I'm sure he would have cleared his schedule to accommodate it.

 

My mom is turning 59 in two days. When she gets home from work, and she works long hours, she doesn't want anyone bothering her. She's tired and just wants to do her own thing and not have someone checking on her.

[femmefatale123]

Also, I don't get what the problem with the their arrangement is. He spends practically the entire weekend with the OP -- Friday evening until Sunday at 2 of together time. That's three days a week out of seven. Does he refuse to see you during the week OP?

 

Sunday afternoons/evenings are usually off limits—and generally, he’s not too keen on getting together through the week (unless he proposes it) because he says he’s just too tired after work and has long suffered from low-level depression and usually just doesn’t want to see or talk to anyone at the end of the week day. I teach during the day but also teach evening classes Mondays and Wednesdays, so I’m pretty busy, too.

 

We talked a little last week about not getting together except on weekends, I mentioned that he wasn’t very affectionate when we weren’t together during the week and mainly texted each other. He used to send somewhat affectionate text and FB messages but hasn’t in a while. He says he’s “not the type to fall all over a woman.” So he’s not very verbally affectionate. But he does take me out, pays for dinner, does nice things like make breakfast, so maybe he expresses affection in a different way.

 

He said he probably could be more affectionate and had fallen down in that area, but he didn’t know if he could be a “7-day a week” kind of guy because of the long hours he works and being tired during the week. That comment stuck with me.

[femmefatale123]

He must be over being “pissed” now because a couple of hours ago he sent me a text asking me if I was familiar with some poet who used to do regular commentary on NPR and which he enjoyed. NPR and literature are both common interests of ours.

[TaraMaiden]

... Like nothing's happened. He feels fine now, so there's no more to discuss, it's over and done with.

 

While you sit there trying to make head or tail of what-the-phukk just happened, he nonchalantly sends you a text about some poet.

[ascendotum]

... Like nothing's happened. He feels fine now, so there's no more to discuss, it's over and done with.

 

While you sit there trying to make head or tail of what-the-phukk just happened, he nonchalantly sends you a text about some poet.

 

He probably gets enough stress & drama in his life from his work, and just doesn't want to deal with more in a relationship, so he just drove around the 'we need to meet to discuss this' roadblock in his life.

[TaraMaiden]

Hmmmm...... I'm not so sure.....

 

That's just it you see.... lawyers love drama. They thrive on the stress, it's a challenge and something they adore tackling head on. It keeps them buzzing, alive wanting to win.

 

"Domestics" are a chore, and not worth their time. There's no reward in discussing emotional matters. They prefer to turn their attention to more important things.

Things THEY deem important, that is......

 

Fortunately, I take an extremely keen interest in Law.

I would have liked to have studied it myself when younger, but finances made it utterly impossible for my parents to send me to Uni.....

 

So I can 'meet my Husband's Mind' quite easily, and i know how to get round him.....

[pbjbear]

This guy is a bad communicator. I would expect this type of behavior to continue. If youre ok with that, good. If not...expect to continue to not be ok.

[sydneysider1978]

Did you explicitly tell him that the Sunday night was very important to you and you wanted him to come? If not, maybe you could be clearer next time.

 

But do you know what you want from this relationship? I don't think there's anything wrong with seeing someone just on the weekends. But he does sound very stuck in his ways and has you neatly compartmentalised as his weekend companion.

 

If this isn't what you want, if you hope that you'll have another life partner, Someone to live with and share each day with, it doesn't sound like this guy will change enough or give enough for this to happen.

[femmefatale123]

Ok, he called and apologized and reiterated that he didn't realize it was that important to go to. He thought I was required to go because I'm on the board of directors. I apologized for the miscommunication on my part and the assumption.