tf510 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Can someone help? I was in a 6 year relationship. It was a bit rocky at times, great at the start, then marked by an on-off period, but really good for the past year or so. She finally moved in to live with me in August 2012. Then, within a couple of months, she dumps me and moves out. She is a Vietnamese student, in the UK to do her PhD and is returning to Vietnam any day now - the plan was that I would follow her in the Summer. I've no firm idea why she dumped me, she refused to talk, just saying she wasn't happy. Anyway, when she dumped me I went No Contact. After a couple of months she contacted me and started asking me to meet up and have coffee and these times were a little awkward but not too awkward and we got on well. So we had these little get togethers through December and January. I thought she might be coming back to me. After the last such meeting I stopped playing 'cool' and phoned her and finally told her that I still loved her and she said "I'm glad you told me that" but I just wanted her to listen, not speak - I was worried she might say 'but I don't love you'! So I don't know what else she was going to add. It all went wrong a few days ago. She attended her graduation ceremony with her son. She invited me to her graduation too, but I was working and only able to attend after the actual ceremony. One of her girlfriends was due to attend to look after/sit with her son but backed out at the last minute. Anyway, when I turned up there was this very young guy there, at least 10 years younger than her and he behaved awkwardly towards me. I knew something funny was happening. Chatting to him it transpires he was a very successful professional man. Afterwards I phoned her and asked if she was in a relationship with this guy and she said "I Think so, yes". I told her that bringing me and this guy together in the same place had humiliated me. She said she did it because she knew I wanted to go to her graduation and he was the only one available to look after her son. I asked if he was the reason she left me in Spetember but she said "no", she had only recently met him. I snapped, and told her "don't ever contact me again". That was a few days ago. She leaves for Vietnam in a couple of days. Finally, yesterday I sent her an email apologising for getting angry and wishing her well in the future back home in Vietnam. I told her I needed to concentrate on moving on as she clearly has and wished her well in all that she does. I suggested she didn't respond and that we didn't communicate "for now". I feel angry and sad, and I'm not sure what I want. You'll laugh, but I think I still want to be with her. My questions are: 1. I know she was telling the truth when she said she only just met this guy. They've been dating for just a few weeks. Apparently when she left me she hated her new house and spent a lot of time working and that's where they met. He apparently got very serious very quickly and tried to convince her to stay in the UK. From what I know she likes the guy and thought about it - but not much. In a nutshell, he's into her way more than she's into him. 2. What did "I'm glad you told me that" mean. Is it possible that she was with this guy but it wasn't serious and she wanted to come back to me? After all, she had re-initiated the contact and we were getting on really well. 3. IF I do decide to try and get her back, what is the best way of me approaching this. Remember, she's thousands of miles away now. Should I just let my last email take effect and give it a month or so?
TaraMaiden Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Your questions are what are known as 'Closure' questions, and as such, have, really, no satisfactory answers, only possible, vague explanations. Closure will never come from her end. You have to give it to yourself. If she's going back to Vietnam, then really, you just need to focus on you and concentrate on moving on, and letting this go. Read the NC Guide in my signature (updated 2013) and also understand why re-establishing contact with her was a bad idea to begin with...... 1
Radu Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 He's the rebound guy. God knows what's going through her mind, probably she doesn't know either. But key is the fact that she dumped you only a few months after [finally] moving in with you after 5-6yrs. The 'i didn't like the house', was just a pretext. Like TM said, she won't offer you closure, she sounds like the type to take and more could be said about stereotypical ways of behaving of asian women, but for you it won't matter. No matter what kind of 'deal' you could strike by going after her through your words or just plain physically, you won't end up in a happy relationship ... because you would lose even more of her respect, and women need to respect a guy to love him.
darkmoon Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 how will you live in Vietnam? get a job? afford kids? speak the langauge? nobody hires the foriegn voiceless hick except for crappy jobs idk, but this is odd, i don't think an LDR is ok. do you intend to stay faithful to a girl you probably only see in person now and again? what will you do when horny? live a life with not much real pussy? would you forever turn down other cute girls? serious questions
Author tf510 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 Hi and thanks. But why would I lose her respect?
Author tf510 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 I have a skillset that is in-demand in Vietnam, so earning a living there was never going to be a problem.
FailedFirstLove Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 i dont know about this... my ex is only an hour plane ride away and his still not coming back. Are you sure this girl is worth you moving MILES away for? what if you move there and she ends up leaving you for another guy anyways? its a huge risk.... shes left you once she can leave you again...
Author tf510 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 Thanks FailedfirstLove. Yeah. She left me. She met another guy. And although she's now leaving him she is going to be several thousand miles away. It really looks as if it's over. I can't imagine a much more 'over' scenario! But you know how the heart works. Still, I'm feeling better. Funny thing is I was doing really well until she re-initiated contact with me and I let her back in. Seeing her again and then finding out about her life without me set me back enormously. NC is clearly the way forward - less as a strategy to get her to come back to me and more as a way for me to rebuild. I came on here looking for people to reassure me that somehow I'd get her back. That people would say 'oh she's made a mistake and she'll come back to you if you do this or say that'. The advice I got was not what I wanted. But it was probably the advice I needed.
FailedFirstLove Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Thanks FailedfirstLove. Yeah. She left me. She met another guy. And although she's now leaving him she is going to be several thousand miles away. It really looks as if it's over. I can't imagine a much more 'over' scenario! But you know how the heart works. Still, I'm feeling better. Funny thing is I was doing really well until she re-initiated contact with me and I let her back in. Seeing her again and then finding out about her life without me set me back enormously. NC is clearly the way forward - less as a strategy to get her to come back to me and more as a way for me to rebuild. I came on here looking for people to reassure me that somehow I'd get her back. That people would say 'oh she's made a mistake and she'll come back to you if you do this or say that'. The advice I got was not what I wanted. But it was probably the advice I needed. I came looking for the same thing... Even now I'm trying to get my ex back. I'm kind of friends with him hoping that the future he will come. But it's really pathetic and I wouldn't want anyone in my position... I've read on here as well where people have gotten back together and it doesn't last... it's a big risk But I'll have to say that if you want her back you can't wait and wait with Nc. It will heal and she will move on. You have to give it sufficient time and then contact her.
LostOne1 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I came looking for the same thing... Even now I'm trying to get my ex back. I'm kind of friends with him hoping that the future he will come. But it's really pathetic and I wouldn't want anyone in my position... I've read on here as well where people have gotten back together and it doesn't last... it's a big risk But I'll have to say that if you want her back you can't wait and wait with Nc. It will heal and she will move on. You have to give it sufficient time and then contact her. Don't know if that works either.. I mean you could wait a month like I did and get back to her. But by the she still might not want to get back together. In my case my ex always had the same answer most of the time.
LostOne1 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Just do what your heart says.. I don't know if I would agree with that.. my heart told me what to do and it led me to a dark place. I did things I would NEVER do.. all out of pain. In a BU the heart is NOT someone you ask nor would I ask the brain. It's a time when you need some patience to figure it all out.
TaraMaiden Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 (She's just spamming.... adding comments to threads because it spreads her link around....) 1
Author tf510 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 TaraMaiden - your guide to NC is great. The clearest and most comprehensive guide to NC I've read so far. Although you do make it sound so easy and a future version might want to acknowledge how bloody difficult it is. It's grounded me though, so thanks. The fact that I'm still on a forum like this is evidence that I'm still hurting. But last night I had the first decent night's sleep for a while. I was awoken in the middle of the night by a storm, and that would normally mean I wouldn't be able to get to sleep again, thinking and tossing and turning. But I just closed my window and went back to sleep. I'm seeing some friends today - new friends that I made after I was dumped who know nothing about it - so will enjoy talking to them about everything else happening in my life. Thanks for your help.
cherepaha Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 (edited) hey, i can really relate to you. the main reason for my BU is him moving back. First he said he'll try to find a job here, but i know his friends were brainwashing him that he can achieve so much better back home with his education and experience - i guess thats true. So thats done now. No point of trying to get back at all. i know it hurts, but try to see her moving as a positive thing for you. Shes far away and you dont face the problem of bumping into her and you dont have to think were to go in order to avoid (or meet) her. That shall really be a plus in your healing. You want her back now, but an advice that i've got is set a deadline. like dont tell yourself - i will never ever be with her again. tell yourself: i'm going to heal, i'm going to go NC, but in such and such period of time i will re-evaluate my feelings and if i would STILL love and want her back, i'll work from there onwards. I got that advice from two close friends and it made me feel better. it really did and it eased my pain of wanting to get him back NOW. i feel more in peace (eventhough the advice came yesterday). From other people's experience, when the deadline comes you realize that your subconscious has accepted what happened . Edited January 30, 2013 by cherepaha 1
Author tf510 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 Thanks cherepaha That's sound advice. To everyone who has advised me on this forum: 'thanks'. I think I'm turning a corner now. I also had some brilliant news today unrelated to my BU and am busy sharing it with all my friends. I'm actually smiling:)
TaraMaiden Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 TaraMaiden - your guide to NC is great. The clearest and most comprehensive guide to NC I've read so far. Although you do make it sound so easy and a future version might want to acknowledge how bloody difficult it is. It's grounded me though, so thanks. The fact that I'm still on a forum like this is evidence that I'm still hurting. But last night I had the first decent night's sleep for a while. I was awoken in the middle of the night by a storm, and that would normally mean I wouldn't be able to get to sleep again, thinking and tossing and turning. But I just closed my window and went back to sleep. I'm seeing some friends today - new friends that I made after I was dumped who know nothing about it - so will enjoy talking to them about everything else happening in my life. Thanks for your help. Thanks. It's an updated and modified Guide someone else posted years ago. I have made some additions according to changing circumstances and learned experiences.... But thankfully, the original Author (Caliguy) approves! So we're a joint-effort team, he and I! Glad I could help. Spread the word - and congrats on your 'great news'... whatever it is! *Thumbsup!!*
CaliGuy Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Thanks. It's an updated and modified Guide someone else posted years ago. I have made some additions according to changing circumstances and learned experiences.... But thankfully, the original Author (Caliguy) approves! So we're a joint-effort team, he and I! Glad I could help. Spread the word - and congrats on your 'great news'... whatever it is! *Thumbsup!!* Good work Tara. Appreciate all you've put into it because its always a work in progress.
Author tf510 Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 Well, I would've put money on my ex not contacting me - especially as I told her not to. Now I've just had an email to tell me she has landed safely, to wish me well with my PhD (re)submission and in my new job (both things she knew about) and ASKED ME TO KEEP HER UPDATED. I've ignored them of course. The NC guide suggests I continue to ignore anything short of a full 180 on her part but I am just SO tempted to open the door a tiny little bit. Any advice?
TaraMaiden Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Bolt, padlock and chain that door, put the iron bar in place, turn all the locks then get someone to hide the keys. is MY advice.... Seriously....? 'Keep her updated'.....?!
Author tf510 Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 Thanks TaraMaiden. My ex has an incredible capacity to compartmentalise, shut herself off from and bury things that make her unhappy. So I was stunned when she contacted me. My last email to her said something along the lines of 'you've moved on, so must I, good luck in your life and don't contact me for now'. But her email didn't comment on the 'moving on' element - there was nothing along the lines of 'I'm glad you're moving on too, we both need to do that, make sure you have a good life too'. So, of course, just as the NC guide says, I'm trying to head-guess: 'hmmm... she doesn't admit to moving on herself and doesn't encourage my moving on either'. Hence I started to think that there was still something to play for; hence my post. To anyone reading this though - keep up the NC. The NC guide predicts this type of behaviour by the dumper - it's about alleviating THEIR guilt and making THEM feel good or even about keeping you in the wings as a sort of Plan B. She broke my heart, starts seeing another guy; humiliated me - and now she apparently wants to remain buddies! How ridiculous! She may be genuinely regretting her actions and she may have decided she has made a mistake. But an email isn't sufficient evidence with which to reach such a conclusion. As the NC guide says, if she truly has had a volte-face she will move heaven and earth to stay in touch and presumably at some point will say something. Until then I intend to keep the door closed. 1
Darren Steez Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 The fact that you're pouring over the minutiae of her emails trying to second guess what her intentions/actions, agonizing over it should tell you enough. She's stalling your life, you will never be free or move forward 2
Author tf510 Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 Thanks Darren Steez Yeah, I know you're right! Like others on here there is a not-insignificant part of me that loves my ex and wants us to get back together. I'm fighting these feelings and it's difficult. That's why I'm on here. All I can say is that it is getting easier. When she left me last year there was NC for a couple of months and when she reinitiated contact I was so happy and I leapt at the chance to see her and talk to her again. Then I got hurt. The advice from people on this forum has helped me learn not to repeat this mistake. Yes, I find myself trying to head-guess - but at least I now have the strength to maintain NC; to not take the bait. She may or may not email me again over the coming weeks and months. If she does I hope that I will then be at a stage where not only do I not reply but neither do I care one jot about what she actually says.
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