Like a job interview, if you could check your dates references..would you?

[Babolat]

I have thought about this a bit as I interview folks a lot with my job. I sometimes have about an hour to make decision if the candidate is the right fit for my company. If I do, we then check their references, do a drug test, background check, etc.

 

When we first meet someone and have a few dates, do you think, if you could, you would "check their references"? Where references could be exes, friends, family, etc. If you could, would you do a background check on them? A drugtest? The end result/goal being learn something now versus later that helps you make that decision to continue dating.

 

I go back and forth on this as part of the fun and excitment of dating is getting to know someone, discovering who they are. A lot of the posts on here though are related to something someone learns about their SO months into dating, and they are asking "Now what?".

[Babolat]

Drug test hmm. Sounds like a lame company you work for. .

 

Pre-employment drug testing is pretty normal now.

[Babolat]

If that's true even lamer. Look I think you're taking the wrong approach. You need too have some fun, live life.

 

Trust in yourself. Read my 10 comandments of dating thread.

 

This is a fun post, I am not taking this seriously..just one of those things that popped into my head while doing an interview recently.

[newmoon]

i totally would - it would (possibly) spare me heartache and trouble as the relationship progresses. not dissimilar to a background check. but i wouldn't ask family or friends, just ex's who would (likely) have a similar tale to tell.

[Babolat]

i totally would - it would (possibly) spare me heartache and trouble as the relationship progresses. not dissimilar to a background check. but i wouldn't ask family or friends, just ex's who would (likely) have a similar tale to tell.

 

Pattern, behavior...that is kind of what I was getting at here. If you talked to 3 references (assuming they were trust worthy) and they all shared a common pattern about this person, maybe one you have already identified..

[mavendark]

I wouldn't, because most of their "references" will only speak about their good sides. And it's extremely odd to go and talk to their exes. Plus, big issues that may bother the exes may not bother me, everyone is different so checking references would not work in this matter. This is too much of a business approach to dating...

[MsSmurf]

Considering the number of jerks I've met over the years I have seriously pondered hiring a private investigator to research potential candidates. I haven't taken the plunge yet, but I'm very open to it. Not sure how I would work in a drug test that way, but that is also something I'd like to know.

[Kelemvor]

I have thought about this a bit as I interview folks a lot with my job. I sometimes have about an hour to make decision if the candidate is the right fit for my company. If I do, we then check their references, do a drug test, background check, etc.

 

When we first meet someone and have a few dates, do you think, if you could, you would "check their references"? Where references could be exes, friends, family, etc. If you could, would you do a background check on them? A drugtest? The end result/goal being learn something now versus later that helps you make that decision to continue dating.

 

I go back and forth on this as part of the fun and excitment of dating is getting to know someone, discovering who they are. A lot of the posts on here though are related to something someone learns about their SO months into dating, and they are asking "Now what?".

 

Interesting... It depends on what you're looking for in the first place. Lifelong mate? Sure, reasonable enough as you want to find the person best suited and the more heavily you screen, the better. Then again, you'll lose some diamonds in the rough as your screening process won't be a perfect science. So, you might find one that fit your rigorous "check" but then you'd be 50.

 

Otherwise, I think it's a bit of common sense. Most people can sense a bad catch early on and even if they can't... getting to know someone and the early parts of a relationship are fun, even if it doesn't work out. That's my take.

 

Plus, what are you going to say on your first date? "Hey, I had a really good time. Can you run to the bathroom and pee in this cup for me? I also need to prick your finger for a little bit of blood. Can you give me your medical history? I don't want kids with 3 arms and 4 eyeballs....Mmmkthanks".

[Eternal Sunshine]

I would do it and have done it.

 

When I meet a guy through friends, I ask around on what people think if him and probe a bit deeper. It's surprising how honest people can be. I also feel no shame in admitting that I have asked around.

[Emilia]

No. I have seen enough people grow a lot in their 20s and 30s to understand that their level of confidence and self-esteem are the basis of their behaviour (both of which should develop as they mature if they are healthy) and that their surrounding environment is also a factor. I also have confidence in my own judgement of character, way less than in other persons' abilities/knowledge in the same department (one reference is Dating section on LS).

 

While I think anyone smart will strive to find the right partner for themselves I find the idea of employment-style references and checks somewhat passion-killing and very controlling. I think it pays to stand on your own two feet and learn how to work someone out rather than worry about controlling every aspect of your interaction with your fellow human beings.

 

In short: live and learn.