FoolishMe Posted August 25, 2004 Posted August 25, 2004 Hi, I'm new here...I guess I'm really needing some support. I got involved with a MM 3 years ago and in many ways, I guess my story will be similar to some of yours. It started out like most affairs do, I guess. I never thought that I would get myself into a situation like this but I did..... I'm aching terribly because I put an end to it. The part that really s**** is that I've never allowed myself to feel for anyone what I felt for him. Through all of this though, I've never doubted that he loves me too. We have been on vacations together, talked daily probably 8 times a day and saw each other on almost a daily basis as well. I let him know that I can't do this any longer...it's MUCH too painful. I've been through hard times in my life (divorce, the death of my mom) and NOTHING has ever been as painful as this. I guess I feel that he needs to figure all of this out. He tells me that he loves me and that he will come back for me but his actions will be the true indicator. It's been nearly 2 weeks since I broke up with him - I know that he is trying to honor my wishes of not contacting me but it still hurts. I'm convinced that by being involved with me, I made it much easier to stay in his unfulfilling relationship. So now I've cut free from it and I feel that this will force him to make a decision; even if that decision is to stay with her. Does everyone believe that if he truly loves me, he will find his way back to me? Am I just being a hopeless romantic? Gosh, I sound so desperate........
littleflowerpot Posted August 25, 2004 Posted August 25, 2004 i still love the ex-attached guy that i left too. i suppose he could leave her for you. it's happened. but it's rare and i wouldn't wait around hoping for it. i'm not waiting around hoping for it either because like you said it just hurts too damn much.
whichwayisup Posted August 25, 2004 Posted August 25, 2004 Yes. If he loves you enough to make a life with you he will find you. If he finds you and still is with his wife then I (sorry to say, as much as it will hurt like heck) would definately try as hard as you can to get over him. Take it day by day, hour by hour. Try and keep as busy as you can, be good to yourself and grieve too. Don't hold it in. Would you consdier seeing a professional to help cope with this loss? Might make it easier on you and give you some coping skills as well. WWIU
Author FoolishMe Posted August 26, 2004 Author Posted August 26, 2004 respond to a person's post. Am I just technically challenged?
unloved Posted August 26, 2004 Posted August 26, 2004 If he truly loves you he will find his way to you again. Even if he stays with his wife, he will always feel a void that no one else can fill. Most stay with their wife/husband. I'm where you are. I lost my job and it's hard missing him and losing my job and stresses of finances all at once. I fell hard for him and I guess the best thing is to lose all contact and try and get over it.
2Confuzed Posted August 26, 2004 Posted August 26, 2004 I know EXACTLY how you feel. I'm going through the same thing right now, except it was a mutual thing with us. If he is truly in love with you, he will do what he has to do so you guys can be together. I strongly believe in that sappy line about setting something free and if it comes back it was meant to be. If you guys are meant to be together, then it will be. In the meantime, try to focus on yourself. Take this time to really find yourself and get back into the things you love doing. Time will tell
sinner Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 I'm convinced that by being involved with me, I made it much easier to stay in his unfulfilling relationship. So now I've cut free from it and I feel that this will force him to make a decision; even if that decision is to stay with her. Do you know how many affairs sustain bad marriages? I'm sure the number is in the thousands. Without the diverting joys of an affair, so many unhappy husbands would have dumped their wives long ago. And vice versa. The divorce rate would be even higher. Nothing keeps a marriage ticking like the pleasurable embraces of the OW or OM. Sometimes an affair is a marriage's best friend.
StillChillinCookie Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 How stupid can you people be? I'm sorry how would you feel if you married that man you're in love with and he tells you he's going to do something productive for the both of you and for your futures. Instead, he's with another woman. How would that make you feel? I realize you can have multiple relationships and feel like you love all of them with all you your heart. But when It comes down to it, you have one heart, and it is divided up between all of these people. My point is, that "love" that you feel for that person, can't ever go past a certain point. You're doing something that's not trustworthy, therefore, why should you trust your multiple companions? TRUST is the major virtue in a relationship, could you trust him, if he actually left his wife, for you?
unloved Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 That's a good point and I know in my heart that I could never trust him. I feel bad for all of this and I feel he will do it again with someone else. And I feel bad for his wife.
KissMyTiara Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 Originally posted by sinner Do you know how many affairs sustain bad marriages? I'm sure the number is in the thousands. Without the diverting joys of an affair, so many unhappy husbands would have dumped their wives long ago. And vice versa. The divorce rate would be even higher. Nothing keeps a marriage ticking like the pleasurable embraces of the OW or OM. Sometimes an affair is a marriage's best friend. This tempts me even more to end things then... My own little manipulation.
2Confuzed Posted August 28, 2004 Posted August 28, 2004 Do you know how many affairs sustain bad marriages? I'm sure the number is in the thousands. Without the diverting joys of an affair, so many unhappy husbands would have dumped their wives long ago. And vice versa. The divorce rate would be even higher. Nothing keeps a marriage ticking like the pleasurable embraces of the OW or OM. Sometimes an affair is a marriage's best friend. That was a good point Sinner. That was one of the many revelations I had that made me decide to end our affair. I realized that I was only making his marriage more bearable. He definitely would never make a decision either way, whether it was to leave his wife or stay with her if I was still in the picture. I hope he is at home with his wife and thinking how it will be always be that way (and will never be able to be with me again) until he decides to sh** or get off the pot.
StillChillinCookie Posted August 28, 2004 Posted August 28, 2004 These people shouldn't even be married, what type of marriage is it if you cheat?? You obvioulsy don't love the other one. You can't be trusted. It eats at both of you, and you'll probably end up getting a divorce afterwords anyway! Stupid people. If they're married, they're taken. No ifs ands buts or howevers. Don't get married if you're going to cheat, and don't get into a relationship with anyone if they're married.
sinner Posted August 28, 2004 Posted August 28, 2004 2Confuzed, without getting too personal may I ask how long your affair lasted? In my very limited experience, the longer the affair, the more intense the feelings and the greater the lovers' roles as each other's hidden spouses, the messier and more traumatic the endings. Sometimes, when these uber-affairs end the shock waves destroy the marriage because the MM , over the years, invests very, very little into his marriage because all of his attention, resources, energy and emotions are focused on the affair. He has forgotten how to act, to feel, like a husband. When the affair ends, it's often impossible to re-learn how to really reconnect with one's wife after years of going through the motions. If your MM's marriage is at its functional/emotional end, he may come back to you. If there's anything left in his marriage, he probably won't. The lesson: The greater the damage the affair inflicts on a marriage, the greater the likelihood the MM will make his OW his wife.
Samson Posted August 28, 2004 Posted August 28, 2004 Sometimes an affair is a marriage's best friend. Interestingly, this may be equally true for the statement's converse: Sometimes a marriage is an affair's best friend.
reasontosigh Posted August 28, 2004 Posted August 28, 2004 Originally posted by FoolishMe respond to a person's post. Am I just technically challenged? you just did it.... I think she's referring to the "reply with quote" feature here, KnottedTummy. It's real simple, FoolishMe. Just look in the top right corner of the post you want to quote.....check the little "quote" box there. Then hit "post reply". The post will appear as a quote in your reply.
2Confuzed Posted August 28, 2004 Posted August 28, 2004 My MM and I have worked together for about 4 years. We've had a connection for a long time, but only a few months ago did he act on his feelings, in which this whole thing began. I would say it has been about 5 months that we have been romanticly involved. Way before my MM and I ever became involved, he spoke often about how his wife has her own issues and will never change. He has talked of divorce for the past 2 years. He has told me several times, whether I am involved or not, that he is going to get a divorce. He says that he only stays because of his son (who is a year and a half) and financially. I told him that it was much too painful to have only pieces of him and knowing that he goes home to someone else. He agreed that it wasn't fair to me and he didn't like lying to his wife either. Honestly, I only made this choice with hopes that it will push him to make a move. I will not pretend that this is easy. Although we made a mutual decision to be no more than friends until, as he says, "I take care of what I need to take care of," it is truly tearing me apart inside. I try to keep busy and I keep reminding myself that if I'm in the picture, he has the best of both worlds and will never make a decision. Do you agree Sinner?
sinner Posted August 28, 2004 Posted August 28, 2004 Yes, I agree. He's not going anywhere. So what you must do, as opposed to waiting indefinitely in the wings for him to break away (which he most likely will not do given the very young age of his child), is develop an affectional life without him. These MM/OW Mexican stand-offs are interesting. The OW, tired of playing second fiddle and sharing her man with his wife every night, withdraws sexual/romantic favors in order to coax him to leave the wife for her. The MM, to the extent he thinks about it, tries to "work" his estranged OW back into bed by turning up the heat. The MM believes that the OW, who loves him, will cave before he does because he believes that he has her hooked--and often he does. The MM has the advantage in this Mexican stand-off because the wife will provide the love, sex and attention that the OW withdrew. The wife unwittingly allies with her cheating husband against the OW and against her own interests. If the MM prevails, the affair continues with him in the cat bird seat. In contrast, the OW, who has built her life around her MM, is left with aching loneliness. Quite often, at least early in the affair, the OW blinks first. Quite simply, she has more to lose.She does not have a spouse to lessen the pain and sexual loneliness. There are many hidden benefits to marriage.
Mr Spock Posted August 28, 2004 Posted August 28, 2004 Originally posted by sinner Do you know how many affairs sustain bad marriages? I'm sure the number is in the thousands. Without the diverting joys of an affair, so many unhappy husbands would have dumped their wives long ago. And vice versa. The divorce rate would be even higher. Nothing keeps a marriage ticking like the pleasurable embraces of the OW or OM. Sometimes an affair is a marriage's best friend. Methinks tens of thousands
Shiraz Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 Originally posted by KnottedTummy you just did it.... I don't know how either. this isn't easy. But look out, once I figure it out. I'm there!
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