stevie_23 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 (edited) I second the comment that it can work but it may end at ANY time without warning, and it may destroy you. This happened to me. We were together for 6 months before things got difficult due to the first D-day on his side, with his wife. Then things were still amazingly good, but not as easy. After 2 more D-days, it became so difficult for him (and thus, me). We decided we had to work within the restrictions now placed on us, even though they made things so hard. But...then it got TOO hard for him, and it ended. Edited January 30, 2013 by stevie_23
Turtles Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Just take it as it is, a fun past time with no long term goal. I don't understand why you would not tell your husband, since the marriage is over anyway? I think it would be the decent thing to do. 1
whichwayisup Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 My marriage is over it was over before I met mm and this will have to be resolved soon, neither me nor my husband are in any hurry to divorce right now. I think the same about mm and him wanting to sort his marriage out, I don't know how he will do this and yes he may just say to me one day, it's over it's gone leave me alone and I will go, the reason we have stayed together is neither of us wanted it to end. I'm being the more selfish me here and would rather end things when im done not him but as I've stated I realise that is not normal thinking and have already been enquiring about counselling. So tell your husband you're having an affair so he can go and enjoy another woman. Why stay married, have an affair and keep it quiet since you say you two are going to divorce anyway, just not right now. It's only fair he gets to go ahead and have someone on the side too. Or would you be hurt or jealous if he did? Do you and your H sleep in separate rooms? 1
awkward Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 You are just prolonging the pain because it is too hard to cope with. I don't think this situation will work out long term for you. In the meantime, why not see a counselor so you can learn coping skills?
seren Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 honest answer ? Im scared of my mood swings when i am not happy! for my children and others around me, i become isolated, ill and severly depressed. Before i had children i could run away, i cant do that now, cant run or hide. If you have answered this before, I apologise for asking again, but, what is making you feel this way? Do you have a diagnosed illness and are these symptoms being addressed? Having read this, I wonder if the MM is a distraction from your everyday life and is almost a safe haven. If so and I don't want to presume, it sounds like it is becoming a stress point in your life and may be adding to your wanting to run away and hide - problem is you just cannot hide from yourself and at some point how you feel in your marriage will or should I say, might, be how you would feel in your marriage. Maybe huge assumptions made by me, but I hope you are getting IRL support from someone who can help. I don't think anything can work until you feel that you do - not physically work, but mentally and emotionally whole. 3
stevie_23 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Hey Seren, I just noticed your signature. Not to hijack this thread, but you say your MM is your husband, soul mate, etc...does this mean you are with a married man in a relationship and you feel he is your husband (even though he is a husband to someone else?)
seren Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Hey Seren, I just noticed your signature. Not to hijack this thread, but you say your MM is your husband, soul mate, etc...does this mean you are with a married man in a relationship and you feel he is your husband (even though he is a husband to someone else?) Lol, no Stevie, my MM is my husband, has been for 26 years or so and yes, he is all that I say he is. x 1
stevie_23 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Lol, no Stevie, my MM is my husband, has been for 26 years or so and yes, he is all that I say he is. x Ah. Well, I'm very happy to hear that. This has been a bit of a wake up call for me too. Even just this little thing. I was hoping that you maybe were in the same situation I WAS in when I was with my ex-MM. I called him my husband, he called me his wife, but obviously we were not those things in reality. I feel a little silly now, hoping someone else may have been similar to me in that respect. But I think I NEED to feel silly...as it is another block in the wall of moving on. Thank you, Seren. 1
seren Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Stevie, there is no need to feel silly, I understood why you asked and am glad you feel you are moving forward. I always thought that my MM was a bit of an oxymoron unless you were married to the man, but I also get the feeling married bit too. x
stevie_23 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Thank you! That makes me feel much better. I really did feel married to him. And I know he did with me too. I feel silly because it was all a bit of a delusion and a fantasy, but we are all human and get swept up in things and just try to get by as best we can in our situations I guess.
Author TheOW Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 It's ridiculous isnt it ? I stay in an affair because i am happy in it, if im not feeling happy i become emotionally destructive. Leaving my marriage is the first step but its not easy when H refuses to acknowledge anything is wrong also taking children away that he adores and them him. We have no money, no family, cant get a job as who would look after the children ? These are issues i will have to look into properly but and this sounds terrible i need mm to do this otherwise i will become impulsive and make even bigger mistakes. Not for money or anything i have never asked him for anything we are not like that, he doesnt even know how bad it is with H he thinks we are happy and staying together. Is there something wrong with me ? An undiagnosed illness, i dont know maybe im just one of the most selfish people to ever walk the earth and will destruct and destroy everything in my path if im not happy. I cant cope with raw emotions.
Author TheOW Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 I know there is something wrong and I am beginning the thinking process of ending marriage, ending affair for indefinite and moving on with my kids as a single mom. May take me a while but I am strong and i am determined to do this for my children. I cant just go confessing all and splitting my family up without thinking it through properly if there were no kids involved i would have been divorced long ago.
stevie_23 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Not to thread jack, but Stevie, how in the world can you feel like a person on the other end of a computer is your husband? You never saw him in person; you never touched him; you knew really nothing of him except for what he chose to write to you or skype with you. You know nothing of his normal every day oddities (like squeezing the toothpaste from the middle) or nasty bathroom habits; or inability to handle money or actual in person communication, etc. From reading all your posts, I see a lonely girl who was befriended in a chat room by an old man who played on her emotions and fantasy. I don't see a 'love story' or even much more than a pen pal. I don't say that to be hurtful to you; I say that as an outsider reading your posts. I feel sad for you that you got so invested in some stranger thousands of miles away and were so lonely you called this stranger your "husband". I hope you can get some counseling to help you ensure that you don't get involved in this type of situation ever again...for your own mental health. Well...yes. I do see your point. I do believe however that the feelings we both had were reciprocal. He felt I was his "true" wife and I felt he was my husband. Spiritually. Obviously not in reality of course. Oh, and I did see him squeeze his toothpaste. lol. We did billions of videos for each other, trying to bring the other into our everyday boring domestic lives to try to be "normal" together when we were so far apart.
wisernow Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 (edited) Well...yes. I do see your point. I do believe however that the feelings we both had were reciprocal. He felt I was his "true" wife and I felt he was my husband. Spiritually. Obviously not in reality of course. Oh, and I did see him squeeze his toothpaste. lol. We did billions of videos for each other, trying to bring the other into our everyday boring domestic lives to try to be "normal" together when we were so far apart. That is really so sad, Stevie. Perhaps this needs to be a new thread. I have to say, I don't get it. I don't get basically spending months and years peering into your computer and calling that person "your spiritual husband." Not being ugly, I just don't get it. To me, it's so sad. Edited January 31, 2013 by wisernow 5
stevie_23 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Well, many people have online / LDR affairs, don't they? How is this that different? We texted, emailed, chatted online, spoke on the phone, watched videos of each other doing virtually everything and talking endlessly to the other. We would have met in person long ago if we were able to, and if things worked out after meeting in person, we would've been together properly after that.
Catplates Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 honest answer ? Im scared of my mood swings when i am not happy! for my children and others around me, i become isolated, ill and severly depressed. Before i had children i could run away, i cant do that now, cant run or hide. Your little ones should take top priority! They are precious and fragile. You can damage them for life. YOu had them, you need to take great care of them. Don't be a careless irresponsible mother. If you have problems, get them sorted out. Leave the MM alone to sort his out. Don't **** up your children. Cat 1
SoleMate Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 He always wanted to sort out his marriage and I believe that is why we became involved in the first place for both of us. In other words, you believe that affairs help solve problems in a marriage I guess having children in a loveless marriage has caused more problems for me than resolved like I thought they would. And, you believe that having children helps solve problems in a marriage I see a pattern here....irrational thinking about how to deal with marital problems. Affairs and babies do NOT fix troubled marriages. Instead, they stress or even break them. I suggest talking to a MFT so you can get some rational info about what does and doesn't work to address marriage problems and personal problems.
Author TheOW Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 I think IC is going to be on the cards, I went to see doctor today and I have been diagnosed with severe adult ADD, never read up on it before i just thought it was a naughty kid syndrome but the more i have looked into the more i agree with the diagnosis. 1
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