TheOW Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 I have had a heart to heart of sorts with MM and we have both decided to stay in the Affair, I would probably say it was more me than him, he wanted to sort his marriage and his life but was also struggling with the thought of losing me (this is how it is, dont believe me dont comment) I know i have many things to think about regarding my own marriage and where i go from here but at the moment i need him. Can this really work ? We are both nervous because we are going into the unknown now. We will not become involved in each others family lives we will just enjoy each others company when we can. Yes i know there may come a time when we decide to call it quits but that is not now.
veryhappy Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 You are being selfish and it will prove to increase your pain. If the man wants to sort out his M, let him. Why would you convince someone to continue an A? Really?! It makes no sense to me. This man doesn't want to have an A with you. Have some dignity and back off. No, it won't work anyway. You just put a bandaid over an older one. What does that solve if you have two bandaids instead of one? 4
Author TheOW Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 You are being selfish and it will prove to increase your pain. If the man wants to sort out his M, let him. Why would you convince someone to continue an A? Really?! It makes no sense to me. This man doesn't want to have an A with you. Have some dignity and back off. No, it won't work anyway. You just put a bandaid over an older one. What does that solve if you have two bandaids instead of one? Sorry it didn't make myself clear he wanted to finish for my benefit, we were both ill when we finished and I have said numerous times to him if this is not what he wants I will disappear, he does not want this. He wants me in his life
veryhappy Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 You said in your first message that he wanted to sort out his M and his life. Your words. Of course he didn't want to lose you too. That only means that you are fun, a good lay, and he can use the emotional support. It doesn't cancel the fact that when he got away from your magical self, he wanted to sort out his M and his life. 3
Author TheOW Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 I knew you would do this. The affair is like an addiction. Do this: Don't use home computer or cell phone for communication. This is how most OWs are caught. Buy an affair phone, have MOM pay for it. Be a lovely wife so you H will not get suspicious. Have sex with him every once in a while. Don't do anything in excess, try moderation and don't become cocky. Yes, this could go on for years. Sarcastic ? I won't have sex with H, that will most likely be addressed soon and I don't know where I will go from there when it does.
Cali408 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Pierre gives good advice here. Morally should you end it? Yes, but you won't. You can't live without that other person. I've been there, done it and carried on for 3 or 4 years. The longer it goes, the more likely you will get caught, but it can carry on if you are careful and that's what you want. Just be prepared for the fallout. 2
Author TheOW Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 You said in your first message that he wanted to sort out his M and his life. Your words. Of course he didn't want to lose you too. That only means that you are fun, a good lay, and he can use the emotional support. It doesn't cancel the fact that when he got away from your magical self, he wanted to sort out his M and his life. He always wanted to sort out his marriage and I believe that is why we became involved in the first place for both of us. Tbh that's why I want him for the sex, comfort and emotional support. We want each other without being "together" in real life, we both agree it would be unlikely to work to many factors to consider. Age, families, kids, monies etc etc we are comfortable with what we have. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 He always wanted to sort out his marriage and I believe that is why we became involved in the first place for both of us. Tbh that's why I want him for the sex, comfort and emotional support. We want each other without being "together" in real life, we both agree it would be unlikely to work to many factors to consider. Age, families, kids, monies etc etc we are comfortable with what we have. Then I guess its all good??... I dont want to be a wet blanket and I won't hurl insults at you like some of the others, but just be careful...The deeper you get in this the harder you will fall when the ****t hits the fan... TFOY
Author TheOW Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 (edited) Then I guess its all good??... I dont want to be a wet blanket and I won't hurl insults at you like some of the others, but just be careful...The deeper you get in this the harder you will fall when the ****t hits the fan... TFOY I know this and it has been playing on my mind lately, it won't last forever I guess he is a distraction for me. I am trying to organise my thought process and even though I will still be in the affair with him I will try and convince myself to get out of it without the agonising pain. Yep extremely selfish I know but I can't go through what I did for a few weeks there It got worse not better and this is not good with young kids at home. I do realise there are issues that need resolving and will enquire about IC and try and figure out why I am doing this and why there is need to stay in an affair to be happy External validation as Pierre would put it. Edited January 29, 2013 by TheOW
Catplates Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 NO. It will go pear shaped somewhere, sometime . Let the man tend to his marriage and leave him alone. If you both want to leave and get together at a later stage, then do it. Don't be hurting two unsuspecting people and dragging the man away from his wife.
Author TheOW Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 I'm not dragging him anywhere he's doing it with his own free will, if he didn't want to be in it still he wouldn't. There is no blackmail or threats to keep him in this. He broke NC not me, he wanted to meet and it was also his suggestion to keep going. His only objection was that he will continue to sort his marriage that will not change nor will he leave his family, that is fine with me I've already said it wouldn't work us being together.
veryhappy Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 It can work as long as you understand it can end at any time, with no notice and his wife might notify your husband. If you agree to that, all is well.
Decorative Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 You can do what you like, and I suppose this is pretty open. He's not making you promises. I am puzzled, though , by his muddled thinking that somehow continuing an affair will allow him to sort his marriage and keep his family together. That's the part of the puzzle that doesn't make sense. And also the part where you won't have sex with your spouse. Perhaps you should leave the marital relationship? I would worry you will just get deeper in with the MM, and be very hurt when it collapses . 1
Author TheOW Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 My marriage is over it was over before I met mm and this will have to be resolved soon, neither me nor my husband are in any hurry to divorce right now. I think the same about mm and him wanting to sort his marriage out, I don't know how he will do this and yes he may just say to me one day, it's over it's gone leave me alone and I will go, the reason we have stayed together is neither of us wanted it to end. I'm being the more selfish me here and would rather end things when im done not him but as I've stated I realise that is not normal thinking and have already been enquiring about counselling.
jwi71 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Can this really work ? We are both nervous because we are going into the unknown now. We will not become involved in each others family lives we will just enjoy each others company when we can. Yes i know there may come a time when we decide to call it quits but that is not now. Well...what is the goal of this A? Its hard to judge if a course of action will work without first knowing the goal. For instance, your MM's assertion that this A will help him "figure his M" is likely to be very wrong. Typically, an A clouds one's rational thought processes and makes the AP seem "better" and the M seem "worse". Its normal though - every R in its beginning is the best ever and nothing ever compares - until it doesn't. Additionally, the time, energy and emotion spent on the AP and in the A is far better spent truly looking at himself and his M. But he can't as that energy is directed outside the M. I cannot opine on you however as I do not know what the A is supposed to accomplish. So, this A is supposed to achieve what for you? 1
Spark1111 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 My marriage is over it was over before I met mm and this will have to be resolved soon, neither me nor my husband are in any hurry to divorce right now. I think the same about mm and him wanting to sort his marriage out, I don't know how he will do this and yes he may just say to me one day, it's over it's gone leave me alone and I will go, the reason we have stayed together is neither of us wanted it to end. I'm being the more selfish me here and would rather end things when im done not him but as I've stated I realise that is not normal thinking and have already been enquiring about counselling. well that's positive. so if you are happy with the way HE wants it, can live with it and accept that it is impossible to fix a marriage while in an affair, then you too can spend YEARS as an OW, whether you divorce your H or not. So you are happy with the here and now and that's ok. But WHAT do you envision for your future? think hard on that. Do you see your self STILL as the AP, even when divorced and free to meet others? Because it is impossible to find a new, healthier relationship with a single man while in an affair with your MM.
Author TheOW Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 I don't know where this is leading me, all I know is I'm happy with him in my life right now and he feels the same but I will ask him again if this is what he wants because I do not want him to feel like I'm pressuring him into this if he does not want it. I'm very confused and do not know what I want from this, love him ? Yes. Live with him and have a relationship ? No, wouldn't work he is too old and he wouldn't leave anyway. Maybe it's an exit affair and when me and my husband finally divorce I will also let mm go as well.
jwi71 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 I don't know where this is leading me, all I know is I'm happy with him in my life right now and he feels the same but I will ask him again if this is what he wants because I do not want him to feel like I'm pressuring him into this if he does not want it. In general, if you are pursuing a course of action, in this case an A, w/o knowing WHY - one needs to stop that behavior immediately. Its a big red flag - this how things can get "out of control". I think, and its contrary to your want, you are FAR better served by taking a timeout for a few days. Take 72 hours of NC with your MM to simply ask yourself..."What do I gain and what do I risk". Take a pause, take a breath and think of your goals as they relate to your life and M and kids and HOW this A helps (and potentially hinders) them. My fear is...with what sounds like aimless "lost" behavior leads you to be MORE dependent upon the A for ANY meaning. And that's a VERY BAD place to be. I'm very confused and do not know what I want from this, love him ? Yes. Live with him and have a relationship ? No, wouldn't work he is too old and he wouldn't leave anyway. Maybe it's an exit affair and when me and my husband finally divorce I will also let mm go as well. Would you encourage your children to continue to act when they are confused and uncertain to the goal - and taking risky behaviors - for...some reason. Of course not. So why do you? 1
justcantletgo Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Do what makes you happy. If my xMM decides to leave his BW in the future and comeback to me, I know I would be there for him,no matter how much I hate how lied tome. We only live once. We all wish we can just do the right thing and leave our spouses but things are just not that easy.
Author TheOW Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 honest answer ? Im scared of my mood swings when i am not happy! for my children and others around me, i become isolated, ill and severly depressed. Before i had children i could run away, i cant do that now, cant run or hide.
Author TheOW Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 That sounds worse than it is. I love my children with all my heart and soul, I guess having children in a loveless marriage has caused more problems for me than resolved like I thought they would. If I could get up and go with just us I would right now, not possible though, no money nothing.
ComingInHot Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 So what are you doing to better your future situation? Do you work? Are you putting money aside for an apartment? Do your parents know so they can offer advice and support? There Are things you can do to change your situation but they all take Work...
Author TheOW Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 Children are to young to work, husband controls all our money we haven't got much anyway. Parents are not available and can't help. I know I am making bigger problems for myself instead of rectifying them but I will stick with what is working right now. I hope in time the mm and the affair will evaporate on its own.
jwi71 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Children are to young to work, husband controls all our money we haven't got much anyway. Parents are not available and can't help. I know I am making bigger problems for myself instead of rectifying them but I will stick with what is working right now. I hope in time the mm and the affair will evaporate on its own. Your problem is YOU. You refer to it above - you know, you sense it, that this is nothing but trouble - and you are likely right. And, should you get caught bad becomes worse. You need to assert some control over your life. I get the sense your M is done and you no longer care about it. And you stay because you "have to". 1) Talk, just talk, usually there is no cost, to a lawyer. I bet you find out all kinds of great stuff - like CS and alimony and public assistance programs. 2) Job? Do you have one? Can you earn more $$ somehow? If not, go get one. The only thing more empowering than this A is feeling good about oneself (and while your A does this for now...its short lived for you imo). And beginning to break free of this...trap?...will do wonders for you. 3) Get involved with family finances. Now. If money is your limiting factor...isn't best to know what the true financial picture is... 4) Get out. Friends. Socialize. It needn't be extravagant. A cup of coffee once a week at Star-you-are-paying-too-much-for-freakin'-coffee-bucks. Who cares...its about socializing. Point is...seek POSITIVE change. If you want out of your M...take POSITIVE steps to end it. Start by laying the groundwork. Become self-sufficient. 2
ThatJustHappened Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 I have had a heart to heart of sorts with MM and we have both decided to stay in the Affair, I would probably say it was more me than him, he wanted to sort his marriage and his life but was also struggling with the thought of losing me (this is how it is, dont believe me dont comment) I know i have many things to think about regarding my own marriage and where i go from here but at the moment i need him. Can this really work ? We are both nervous because we are going into the unknown now. We will not become involved in each others family lives we will just enjoy each others company when we can. Yes i know there may come a time when we decide to call it quits but that is not now. Nope, it can't really work.
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