Reserved men and their formerly "wild" girlfriends

[KungFuJoe]

Eh, there are real things such as beta vs alpha vs omega males. I mean that's not "pop psychology", evolutionary biology and psychology are very real disciplines that have a lot to say about human interaction and dating/mating behavior. So yes, "beta" is a descriptive word to describe a certain type of man (I suppose woman too, but that's not the typical context for the word).

 

A "slut" to me is someone (man or woman) who has a gratuitous amount of sexual partners or someone who has minimal to no standards for who they will sleep with. That to me is "slutty" behavior. Is it a term "filled with judgement"? I don't know, maybe. Maybe not. But who cares? If someone is ok with how they've handled themselves and ok with their own past sexual history, who cares what anyone else thinks? Some will judge, some won't. Oh well, get over it. If that's sexist of me to say, well then, color me sexist. I'd say the same thing to man though for what it's worth.

 

For someone allegedly self-assured, you seem to put a lot of weight in the judgements and thoughts of others...

 

If someone called your mom a slut, would that offend you?

[fortyninethousand322]

If someone called your mom a slut, would that offend you?

 

Offend? No. I'd think the person making that statement was stupid.

 

If my mom was single and brought home a different man every other day or every week (with the obvious insinuation that she was sleeping with them) I understand that statement completely.

 

I'm an O's fan. The equivalent would be if someone walked up to me (prior to the 2012 season) and told me the Orioles were a horrible team. Like, what am I supposed to say to that? Deny it???

[KungFuJoe]

Offend? No. I'd think the person making that statement was stupid.

 

If my mom was single and brought home a different man every other day or every week (with the obvious insinuation that she was sleeping with them) I understand that statement completely.

 

I'm an O's fan. The equivalent would be if someone walked up to me (prior to the 2012 season) and told me the Orioles were a horrible team. Like, what am I supposed to say to that? Deny it???

 

I don't think you're being entirely truthful but I won't dig any further...

[Mme. Chaucer]

There are people who enjoy having sexual adventures. If you don't find such people to be compatible with you, that's great. They don't need to be given disparaging names.

 

Guys who have sex with women they consider to be "sluts" and for whom they have no respect, in my opinion, exemplify devolution. Thank goodness my contact with such men is limited to my Internet hours.

[fortyninethousand322]

I would never call someone I was with a slut. For one thing I'd never ask about relationship history so ignorance would be my ally. And hopefully she wouldn't ask about my history so she'd never have the chance to call me a virgin either. Square deal if you ask me...

[Mme. Chaucer]

For someone allegedly self-assured, you seem to put a lot of weight in the judgements and thoughts of others...

 

If you've read my posts much, you'll understand that I cannot abide bigotry and the ignorance that engenders it. When I encounter it, as I do often here in the form of blatant sexism, I say stuff. It certainly doesn't mean that I put any "weight" on what assclowns are saying; I'm just speaking up against what I find to be unacceptable.

 

I think calling women who are sexually adventurous "sluts" is like calling a male gay person a "faggot." Calling a man a "slut" is not so derogatory; as the fellow who just wrote the essay on sluts pointed out, it's laudable in our society for a guy to be indiscriminate that way. Notice he didn't say, "There are guys you f*** , and there are guys you marry."

[Mme. Chaucer]

Not quite. There's always been girls you have fun with but never bring home to mom since the beginning of civilization.

 

Having fun sex doesn't have to involve your Mom. Or disrespect.

[fortyninethousand322]

If you've read my posts much, you'll understand that I cannot abide bigotry and the ignorance that engenders it. When I encounter it, as I do often here in the form of blatant sexism, I say stuff. It certainly doesn't mean that I put any "weight" on what assclowns are saying; I'm just speaking up against what I find to be unacceptable.

 

I think calling women who are sexually adventurous "sluts" is like calling a male gay person a "faggot." Calling a man a "slut" is not so derogatory; as the fellow who just wrote the essay on sluts pointed out, it's laudable in our society for a guy to be indiscriminate that way. Notice he didn't say, "There are guys you f*** , and there are guys you marry."

 

Right well, I can't speak for him or anyone else. I always hold men and women accountable to the same standards. I would recommend that women not marry a guy who slept around either. Unfortunately, those are often the types of guys almost universally attractive to women. *shrug*

 

Just as a word of practicality though: "Sexually adventurous" is a mouthful, people don't have time to use big words like that. "Slut" is a convenient stand in. Maybe someone had malevolent intent when they came up with the word, but I suspect they just wanted to save print space in the local gossip column.

[chex]

Having fun sex doesn't have to involve your Mom.

 

At least, I would hope so o_o

[Mme. Chaucer]

Or you know' date=' it could mean a girl who lacks self-restraint and self-control.[/quote']

 

Why should female sexuality be restrained and controlled?

[kaylan]

3 things.

 

1. Everyone is allowed to want any type of mate they want and dont deserve to be lied to by selfish people trying to pretend to be something they arent.

 

2. Honesty above all else, is how I live life. I dont wanna be lied to, so I wont lie to someone I profess to care about.

 

3. You reap what you sow. You start a relationship built on lies, and I can guarantee a harsh fallout.

[kaylan]

Why should female sexuality be restrained and controlled?

If a man or woman slut around in their single days, they shouldnt try and hide it from people who view sex differently than they do.

 

All this "the past is the past" and "your past is your business" stuff is garbage. The past makes us who we are today...and change doesnt happen overnight. Just because something is in someones past, doesnt mean lies and dishonesty should now become part of a relationship.

 

Either be able to own the thing youve done in your life, or move on to the next person. Everyone deserves the right to choose what they can or cannot accept. I wouldnt trick a girl into thinking Im a guy I am not. Ill share all my accolades and misdeeds with her, and then she can make her own judgements.

[Lonely Ronin]

Why should female sexuality be restrained and controlled?

 

some guys are afraid they can't measure up. The insecure week minded guys won't be able to handle it not being the best......

 

to a lot of them it's what they hang their hat on, it's sad really.

Edited January 30, 2013 by Lonely Ronin

[fortyninethousand322]

I'm not ok with promiscuity because I don't think that's how humans were meant to approach sex. While I don't want to know about a girl's past in any way, if I were to find out that a woman was promiscuous, I'd have a hard time dealing with it. In much the same way that I'd have a hard time dealing with someone involved with the US military or intelligence agencies, defense dept., etc. It just changes my perception of those people.

[Later82012]

Only the desperate are okay with everything that comes their way and people who are doubtful about the decisions they've made in their past are the ones that want everyone on their side so that it reassures them that they've made the right decisions in being with who they are with now.

[Later82012]

@Lonely Ronin & KungFuJoe - You should think more and come up with new theories now and then. Your single-point theories are very boring and grating on the nerves and try to have some individuality instead of being bootlickers, but that is ingrained into your systems I guess.

[DarrenK]

Well I can say I'm conservative in some ways and not in others I respect people's choices but hate liers !im as kinky as they come and all my relationships have been fun sexually .but in my current marriage yeah I went threw similar to what you said for me more how often not so much kinky wild but then again I talk openly about my sexual desiers , fantasies ,ect

[Titania22]

I really can't speak to the OP about some woman not wanting wild sex with a current partner but enjoying it with previous partners.

 

What I can offer is a different perspective, one taken from my personal experiences.

 

Basically if I am with a guy who I am not really attracted to and/or is physically capable of making me really enjoy basic sex, then I have a very strong need for wilder (perverse) sexual things. It's a way of compensating with my inability to enjoy vanilla sex with them. Now that is not to say I wouldn't be open to these wilder things with someone who could satisfy me in a more traditional way, but rather because that person is capable of completely satisfying me the perverted stuff isn't really needed.

 

So it kind of flips the idea of the OP on it's head. If I was with said reserved man, either a) he would be completely satisfying me and thus I would be more than happy to be with him without wild sex, or b) he doesn't do it for me, and thus I would be pushing him to do more and more perverse things so I could get at least some enjoyment.

 

I personally can't understand why some women would be able to be with someone long term if it meant having regular unfulfilling sex.

[Later82012]

KungFuJoe with his dislike for using commonsense and his liking for spoon-feeding wasted pages 3, 4 and 5 on this thread.

 

I am fed up of reading the insecure theory and the town bicycle theory on almost every thread on this topic and I am assuming so many of the others too.

[animalover]

It is funny how the word insecurities keep coming when this topic is in the air... I don't think it is insecurities at all... lets take this outside of the sexual perspective... how would you like to be with a partner who has been traveling around the world with her/his previous partner and being adventurous with them but with you he/her just want to be at home the whole time? How would that feel for you?

[animalover]

If a man or woman slut around in their single days, they shouldnt try and hide it from people who view sex differently than they do.

 

All this "the past is the past" and "your past is your business" stuff is garbage. The past makes us who we are today...and change doesnt happen overnight. Just because something is in someones past, doesnt mean lies and dishonesty should now become part of a relationship.

 

Either be able to own the thing youve done in your life, or move on to the next person. Everyone deserves the right to choose what they can or cannot accept. I wouldnt trick a girl into thinking Im a guy I am not. Ill share all my accolades and misdeeds with her, and then she can make her own judgements.

 

I don't know about the rest of the world but I just would not settle for anyone who actually don't like me as I am and that includes all the decisions I have made to become what I am at this moment... When a person lies to get into a relationship is not only deceiving the person who is getting in that fraud of relationship but is settling for much less that the person self deserve because we all deserve to be loved and accepted as we are...

 

No one should be judged as person for their sexual life, every person take their own decisions about how to experience sex and how to go about it, but people can decide with whom want to have a relationship and how their criteria is build is also not to be judge as there is no one else business.

[GoodOnPaper]

It is funny how the word insecurities keep coming when this topic is in the air... I don't think it is insecurities at all... lets take this outside of the sexual perspective... how would you like to be with a partner who has been traveling around the world with her/his previous partner and being adventurous with them but with you he/her just want to be at home the whole time? How would that feel for you?

 

Agree -- yes, there are probably some insecurities in the mix but there is a lot to be said for just feeling more comfortable with being in the same life/emotional experience ballpark as your partner. While everyone should work to minimize their insecurities, with something as important and intimate as finding a romantic partner, at some point, wouldn't it be a plus for compatibility if you went with a partner that doesn't trigger the insecurities in the first place?

 

This is kind of like how some guys don't ask certain women out because they are "too" attractive. While those guys (which would include myself if I was single) should work on being less intimidated by stunning looks, if you're not comfortable with someone, find someone with whom you ARE comfortable.

 

Threads like this also confuse me a little because it is typically guys who have struggled with women who are most concerned about having a relationship with a woman with much more experience. Well, guys who struggle with women do so because they aren't particularly desirable -- how does a woman with so much experience end up being drawn to this kind of guy in the first place?

[Later82012]

Well I can say I'm conservative in some ways and not in others I respect people's choices but hate liers !im as kinky as they come and all my relationships have been fun sexually .but in my current marriage yeah I went threw similar to what you said for me more how often not so much kinky wild but then again I talk openly about my sexual desiers , fantasies ,ect

 

I think your wife is with you now because you are handsome, because of the kids, because of your past and because of her past and because of your history together. The day you accept her wholeheartedly is the day she will leave you if you don't make that decision to stay or to leave soon.

[animalover]

Well, guys who struggle with women do so because they aren't particularly desirable -- how does a woman with so much experience end up being drawn to this kind of guy in the first place?

 

I completely disagree, It has nothing to do with that. I think it is all about values.

It can be that a woman who is not very attractive has had a tremendous amount of casual sex and a very beautiful woman just has been in long term relationships...

 

My girlfriend is probably the most beautiful woman I know and she has only been with 3 other man in LTR's... it is just totally a matter of what values you have regarding sex!

[Taramere]

It could be possible that she's not comfortable doing those things anymore. Maybe she was made to feel disrespected by the men she did those things with? As I also pointed out in the OP.....Maybe she feels that her new man might not appreciate it or look down on her. These are legitimate concerns also. But maybe the man doesn't conjure up those sexual feelings that make her wanna do those adventurous stuff. All possibilities......

 

I don't know if you were watching tv last night, Tha, but there was a programme called "what happens in Kavos" on. It was a kind of 18 to 30s holiday scene on the Greek island of Kavos. I watched some of it, but it was such a barrel scraper of a programme that I ended up switching it off.

 

Basically, it was one of those perpetually drunk orgy holidays - lots of puking, lots of unprotected sex in full view of everybody else and they had this "punishment" system whereby anybody (male or female) who had sex with the same person more than three times had to drink a glass of urine. People were taking regular trips to a local clinic for STD checks. One guy had to have his penis stitched up after it had an unfortunate encounter with either a set of teeth or a particularly savage vagina - he didn't seem to have a clue which, and nor did he seem to care that much.

 

It makes me wonder what people actually mean when they talk about having a wild past. There's being a bit racy and experimental, and then (as the holidaymakers in Kavos showed) there's having about the degree of class, dignity and restraint that you would find amongst the rats trapped in the overcrowded cage in Calhoun's experiment.