Reserved men and their formerly "wild" girlfriends

January 29, 2013

Wait...so women who have had wild and crazy sex are disrespecting themselves?

If they only did it for approval and didn't really want to do it, then yes.

First guy I was with pushed me past my comfort zone, and after that was over, I decided I needed to respect myself and stay true to who I am instead of being weak and letting someone else push me around like that. Years later, I'm still slightly disgusted by how I did what I didn't want to do in order to please someone else. Because I thought if I didn't, he wouldn't like me anymore.

Is this really so hard to understand? That people change? That their desires and likes can change, too? Even within my relationship with my H, what we each like and how much we like it has changed a bit over time and likely will in the future.

Why is it that someone who has done XYZ in the past is expected to do XYZ for the rest of their lives? And why is it assumed that because someone did XYZ that they were totally into it and only do it with those who they're totally into?

January 29, 2013

Explain why, Joe

January 29, 2013

I don't think having wild or crazy sex is disrespecting yourself.

It's having fun. If you don't want to do it, you shouldn't anyhow. Doing what you don't want to do is disrespecting yourself, but you know, some girls like being wild as well.

January 29, 2013

I don't think having wild or crazy sex is disrespecting yourself.

It's having fun. If you don't want to do it, you shouldn't anyhow. Doing what you don't want to do is disrespecting yourself, but you know, some girls like being wild as well.

I think that's settled.

January 29, 2013

Wait...so women who have had wild and crazy sex are disrespecting themselves

It depends.

If they are having wild and crazy sex for the experience and pleasure, no.

If they are having wild and crazy sex for attention or validation of men, and end up feeling used and disappointed because of those actions, yes.

Women don't feel shame for sex just because society makes them feel bad. Many times women trust the wrong men, don't get much enjoyment out of the "wild & crazy sex" and legitmately look back on their actions with regret because they realize they shared too much with the wrong man.

It's not hard to fake wild & crazy, it's not hard to fake an O. Some men look back on experiences with wild & crazy women thinking how horny these women were for them, when many times it was just a form of attention seeking behavior. I know the fragile ego'd male is sitting here thinking "Not true, I could tell it was real", and I get that. Although I am not against porn, I can see how it influences women to feel as though they have to "perform", while their natural sexual inclinations towards emotionally intimate sex get buried under their assumptions of what men want.

I am wild & crazy, but it is all within the confines of my relationship, where I feel safe. I think when some women open up in this way to men that are not "safe", it may result in pain and regret.

January 29, 2013

I don't think it's necessarily that people don't get it - I think that people perhaps presumptuously perceive that point of view as stupid/counter-productive.

As I said, I don't personally share that point of view myself. But I do understand it.

On the thread below I felt most of the posters were very quick to blame it only on the boyfriend's insecurity.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/370182-my-racy-photos-present-my-conservative-boyfriend-got-ow-do-i-handle

January 29, 2013

Main issue of this thread :

Girl is adventurous, maybe promiscuous.

Gets with a guy she's not that attracted to because he offers more in other departments and she feels she's "had her fun".

He's sad because he knows her lack of "wildness" and attraction to him isn't actually the result of her sexual tastes having changed or tamed down but simply because he's not really doin it for her in that sense.

Of course there are exceptions , but I think thats the type of situation being referred to.

January 29, 2013

If they only did it for approval and didn't really want to do it, then yes.

First guy I was with pushed me past my comfort zone, and after that was over, I decided I needed to respect myself and stay true to who I am instead of being weak and letting someone else push me around like that. Years later, I'm still slightly disgusted by how I did what I didn't want to do in order to please someone else. Because I thought if I didn't, he wouldn't like me anymore.

Is this really so hard to understand? That people change? That their desires and likes can change, too? Even within my relationship with my H, what we each like and how much we like it has changed a bit over time and likely will in the future.

Why is it that someone who has done XYZ in the past is expected to do XYZ for the rest of their lives? And why is it assumed that because someone did XYZ that they were totally into it and only do it with those who they're totally into?

Oh...so it's ok for men to disrespect you because you go coerced into doing something?

You're telling me, in your ENTIRE life, you never did something you weren't exactly hot on, but did so at the suggestion of someone else?

Sex is no different.

January 29, 2013

Explain why, Joe

Because just because a woman has a lot of sex with a lot of guys...it just means she was trying to see if they were the right guy for them.

Maybe the sex was good, but the rest of their qualities sucked.

Maybe the sex was bad right off the bat and it didn't last.

Either way...she's not with THEM (they didn't graduate...they got dropped)...she's with YOU. And that means you still have a passing grade and clearance to enroll for the next semester.

January 29, 2013

Main issue of this thread :

Girl is adventurous, maybe promiscuous.
Gets with a guy she's not that attracted to because he offers more in other departments and she feels she's "had her fun".
He's sad because he knows her lack of "wildness" and attraction to him isn't actually the result of her sexual tastes having changed or tamed down but simply because he's not really doin it for her in that sense.

Of course there are exceptions , but I think thats the type of situation being referred to.

But you are making assumptions. You are assuming that she genuinely looks back on those experiences as "fun".

You are also assuming that her sexual tastes have changed, when maybe the "wild & crazy" wasn't really her being true to herself.

January 29, 2013

Oh...so it's ok for men to disrespect you because you go coerced into doing something?

You're telling me, in your ENTIRE life, you never did something you weren't exactly hot on, but did so at the suggestion of someone else?

Sex is no different.

...what?

I honestly don't understand what you're saying. I think you totally misread my post.

Let me clarify. When I was young and naive, I let someone push me into doing something I didn't want because I was too eager to please them. Afterwards, I felt ashamed and disgusted with myself. I haven't let anyone else push me in the same way since. Is it hard to understand that someone might view something they did as a MISTAKE NOT TO BE REPEATED? Or should my H feel entitled to whatever-it-was because I technically did it before with someone else...even though I didn't enjoy it and even though it made me feel worthless afterwards?

January 29, 2013

...what?

I honestly don't understand what you're saying. I think you totally misread my post.

Let me clarify. When I was young and naive, I let someone push me into doing something I didn't want because I was too eager to please them. Afterwards, I felt ashamed and disgusted with myself. I haven't let anyone else push me in the same way since. Is it hard to understand that someone might view something they did as a MISTAKE NOT TO BE REPEATED? Or should my H feel entitled to whatever-it-was because I technically did it before with someone else...even though I didn't enjoy it and even though it made me feel worthless afterwards?

ofcourse not. But when you enjoy those things, and your hb wants to try it but you don't want to do it with HIM, because you want him to think you are x type of person. Is that alright?

January 29, 2013

...what?

I honestly don't understand what you're saying. I think you totally misread my post.

Let me clarify. When I was young and naive, I let someone push me into doing something I didn't want because I was too eager to please them. Afterwards, I felt ashamed and disgusted with myself. I haven't let anyone else push me in the same way since. Is it hard to understand that someone might view something they did as a MISTAKE NOT TO BE REPEATED? Or should my H feel entitled to whatever-it-was because I technically did it before with someone else...even though I didn't enjoy it and even though it made me feel worthless afterwards?

I think you are misreading what I said.

I said that there is nothing wrong with women having wild and crazy sex.

January 29, 2013

I think you are misreading what I said.

I said that there is nothing wrong with women having wild and crazy sex.

There's nothing wrong with it unless one person doesn't really want to and is feeling pressured to do it. You're disrespecting yourself if you let others push you into doing something that you don't enjoy.

January 29, 2013

I don't understand this at all. When I was having casual sex, it scratched a certain itch but It also made me feel a bit slutty.

I've learned with time that I need a partner who likes sex as much as I do and likes being a bit freaky, too. The great part of having a bf is that I can really be my wild uninhibited self and be HIS slut. If a man couldn't deal with all of me, includingy fantasies, desires, and needs I wouldn't be with him bc I could never feel satisfied and at ease, and my bf shouldn't be judging me for my natural desires.

Women who date conservative men and then only have vanilla sex were either boring and conservative to begin with and slutting it up due to insecurity, or they're giving up a large portion of their identity and will eventually feel that this sacrifice is too big and either leave or cheat.

January 29, 2013

There's nothing wrong with it unless one person doesn't really want to and is feeling pressured to do it. You're disrespecting yourself if you let others push you into doing something that you don't enjoy.

Well...of course. You can take ANY action and turn it into something bad.

I'm just saying...in general. And let's assume the sex was desired by all parties involved

January 29, 2013

Because just because a woman has a lot of sex with a lot of guys...it just means she was trying to see if they were the right guy for them.

Maybe the sex was good, but the rest of their qualities sucked.

Maybe the sex was bad right off the bat and it didn't last.

Either way...she's not with THEM (they didn't graduate...they got dropped)...she's with YOU. And that means you still have a passing grade and clearance to enroll for the next semester.

Eh I'm with you but I don't know if f*cking would be the litmus for a guy to be "right", ya know.

If taken as I meant it, and not further, I think it was a legit analogy.

I mean, ****, guys with a girl, finds out she's been with loads of other guys, that's not gonna change how "special" he feels about having won her over ? If only simply because the situation has been repeated and thus by all quantitative logic getting her is less "unique". I don't have anything against "sluts" of either gender. They can be great people, I have close male & female friends who are definitely sluts.

January 29, 2013

Eh I'm with you but I don't know if f*cking would be the litmus for a guy to be "right", ya know.

If taken as I meant it, and not further, I think it was a legit analogy.

I mean, ****, guys with a girl, finds out she's been with loads of other guys, that's not gonna change how "special" he feels about having won her over ? If only simply because the situation has been repeated and thus by all quantitative logic getting her is less "unique". I don't have anything against "sluts" of either gender. They can be great people, I have close male & female friends who are definitely sluts. I'm just pointing out

Why not? Sex is probably THE most important aspect in a LONG term relationship. I don't care if the person has every freakin quality you desire there is...if the sex is bad...you're out. Might as well find out sooner than later, right? Time is the one thing we don't have an infinite supply of.

January 29, 2013

For intents and purposes of the thread, we're now specifically referring to women who previously liked the wild things they did.

I think it's a given that women who were wild for the sake of attention and validation are likely to scale it back in the comforts of a stable relationship if it's not part of what they liked.

But I think we're drifting into the area of promiscuity, as opposed to just certain wild sex acts.

January 29, 2013

Question for the guys and girls,

Has anyone ever been wild and crazy in their past and eventually just wanted to settle down for nice and normal? And I don't mean "settle" in a bad way...I just mean you had your fun, you're tired of it, and just want something "normal".

Warren Beatty.

January 29, 2013

For intents and purposes of the thread, we're now specifically referring to women who previously liked the wild things they did.

I think it's a given that women who were wild for the sake of attention and validation are likely to scale it back in the comforts of a stable relationship if it's not part of what they liked.

But I think we're drifting into the area of promiscuity, as opposed to just certain wild sex acts.

Yep. Like I said bud, here we go.

Grab a seat.

January 29, 2013

I don't understand this at all. When I was having casual sex, it scratched a certain itch but It also made me feel a bit slutty.

I've learned with time that I need a partner who likes sex as much as I do and likes being a bit freaky, too. The great part of having a bf is that I can really be my wild uninhibited self and be HIS slut. If a man couldn't deal with all of me, includingy fantasies, desires, and needs I wouldn't be with him bc I could never feel satisfied and at ease, and my bf shouldn't be judging me for my natural desires.

Women who date conservative men and then only have vanilla sex were either boring and conservative to begin with and slutting it up due to insecurity, or they're giving up a large portion of their identity and will eventually feel that this sacrifice is too big and either leave or cheat.

I almost thought that there where no sincere women here on LS (Kidding!!!!).

But one of the best post I read to day. People will find life more fullfilling when they are open and honest with them self and with the people they interact with. Doesn't mean you have to become a brute, bitch etc. But people will start liking and most importantly love you for how you truely are.

and wouldn't it be great that we can be 100% of you we are, and give it our fullest? and yes the past is the past. But also the 'now' is only 1 second, sometimes only a day our a week. the past is almost everything up to now. That is almost 99% of what you are now. It made you, it's like the name we are giving. It's something we take with us the rest of our lifes. Doesn't mean people can change, but letting them know 100% of how you are, then they can see and experience how you have changed, and see for them self you have truely changed!

I still don't understand this, why would you lie or withhold your past mistakes, desires etc, don't you trust them?

January 29, 2013

I've known several men and women who were kind of all or nothing. They couldn't turn it off, or regulate their wild behavior, which is why they were wild in the first place sometimes. If they were going to be "wild", in order to get back to that place, they almost psychologically had to get back to the place where they were also promiscuous as well. I think, for a lot of the former "wild" women, men, etc, taming their behavior is, in a sense, kind of self-preservation.

January 29, 2013

For intents and purposes of the thread, we're now specifically referring to women who previously liked the wild things they did.

In that case, then I would say that the partner they are now with doesn't inspire them to be wild in bed.

You can't assume that because a women enjoyed an act with one man, that she will enjoy it with any man. For many women, it's not about the act. It's about the man. And the desire he inspires in you.

Some men will say, if you did it for him then you should do it for me. That is a valid argument because in a relationship, you should make an effort to meet your partners needs. I know it must be a huge blow to a man to know that his partner was more sexual with other men, especially if his time and feelings are invested in her.

However, sexual attraction is not logical. A woman may feel primal passion for a man that she knows is not relationship material....and not feel that same passion for a man that she chooses to spend her life with. I feel lucky because I have both, but some women do sacrifice sexual attraction for stability.

So if you are man that does not have that kind of chemistry with your woman, I can see how you would feel robbed. I don't think it's malicious on the part of the woman, though. She just doesn't feel it. Regardless of intent, it's true that it is hurtful to him, and would be hard to get over.

If you are the man in this scenario, you have every right to ask for the things you want. If she agrees to oblige, but isn't genuinely into it, would you be OK with her faking her enjoyment, in order to meet your needs?

If so, fine, but it takes the sexual intimacy & connection out of sex and makes it obligatory. Kind of like, I'll go to your parents house and pretend that I like your mom because I love you. I'll let you do <insert sex act here> and pretend to like it because I love you.

If you happen to be a man that has difficulty inspiring sexual attraction in women, you will have to figure out how to be more sexually attractive, keep looking for a woman that is genuinely wild for you, or settle for obligatory sex.

January 29, 2013

As a woman who has been wild in the past, when i do have another relationship, I wont be anything less than what i am now, I wont repress any side of me, as far as sex goes, I will be open, i do believe however that every relationship and every man is different i will be open to exploring what that man enjoys, not what my last ex enjoyed,I wont get graphic with sexual discussion , I dont feel the need to do that only causes insecurities in guys,every woman and every man likes different things a man i snot lesser for not having experienced all there is to offer i am not lesser either because i have experience.

i dont think anyone should judge what they did in a past relationship sexually with what they do in a current or future relationship it should be open adn honest enough to interpreting likes and dislikes between two completely different people....experienced .....or not....if i am going to use my experience it will be to make a guy happy....and that goes on what he likes not my previous relationships or what my exes enjoyed .....also goes on what i like which will probably be completely different with another guy.....and doing that together..I think a lot of what a previous relationship and the sex involved doesnt need to be quoted ver batim.deb

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