Reserved men and their formerly "wild" girlfriends

[ThaWholigan]

We've seen this topic popping up enough in the last week - some posters have been extremely inflammatory about it (i.e. slut-shaming), so hopefully this won't derail itself into the same farce.

 

As I laid out in a few of those threads, the "conservative" guys obviously have insecurities about it. They feel that their predecessors got to experience more from their GFs sexually than they have - despite the repeated assertions of how great they are. It doesn't appear to be much solace. Admittedly, it is not an insecurity I hold, but previously, I was mildly infatuated with a girl who saw me in the same light due to my virginity. As a result, I did make sure that I had enough confidence to not be bothered, but also to ignite feelings that would make me the kind of guy that women would be wild with. I'm not as reserved as I would appear .

 

Anyway, it's interesting to see how the women change their behavior for the new men in their lives, but I wonder if those men just do not conjure up the same attraction that the ex-boyfriends did, and if it is their other qualities. It is also interesting to see that the new boyfriends rarely seem to be satisfied with that as a result, and actually want the sexual adventures that the ex-boyfriends got to have. I can understand how annoying it would be - you would feel like you are missing out if you are insecure about it. That this part of your woman that you want to experience is now cut off from you yet not to the supposedly lesser men that she's no longer with.

 

Not to denigrate the women who did the wild things either. I have no problem with that, and I'm not the guy who gets jealous about it. I understand that women are very sexual and will do wild things for guys they are very sexually attracted to. I just try to make sure that along with all the attributes that make me a dependable long-term option, I incorporate other elements of my character that make me sexually attractive enough that I can have those mutually enjoyable adventures with a woman on all levels. I'm confident in that regard. I also don't think women are bad for doing what they did in their past at all. I accept all those things, they are bound to happen. It also annoys me when those women are then disrespected and shamed for it.

 

However, it's the misrepresentation that occurs which can cause a problem in the future, as it looks.

 

Wanted to get some thoughts about it here, and away from derailing threads where advice should be given.

[KungFuJoe]

What do you mean by "changed her ways"?

[ThaWholigan]

What do you mean by "changed her ways"?

Well, I said "behavior" but same thing .

 

I'm referring to the things that they may have did with an ex (more frequent sex, more BJs, public sex, nudes i.e. anything that could be perceived as more than naughty ). Then they end up with this new guy and completely bury that side of their character. More prim, less wild. Dude might have fantasies too - might not be completely reserved, might wanna do all those things with her aswell.

 

It could be possible that she's not comfortable doing those things anymore. Maybe she was made to feel disrespected by the men she did those things with? As I also pointed out in the OP.....Maybe she feels that her new man might not appreciate it or look down on her. These are legitimate concerns also. But maybe the man doesn't conjure up those sexual feelings that make her wanna do those adventurous stuff. All possibilities......

[KungFuJoe]

Deal breaker for me if that happened.

 

Not because I'm insecure, but because I WANT a wild and crazy and sexually uninhibited woman.

 

I have no problem with wild women. Hell...it's a requirement of mine that she be semi nuts.

[KungFuJoe]

A woman that "changes her ways" for a man is a woman with low self esteem and also someone I would consider "dishonest".

 

I want a woman who doesn't feel she needs to change a DAMN thing for no man (or woman). I want a strong woman who isn't ashamed of who she is or what people think. I want a woman who does things because SHE likes to do them, not because someone else likes her to do them.

[mustangguy29]

One answer I have heard to this question is that the girl does not want to do some stuff she did in the past, because she likes the way their boyfriend looks at her.

Her boyfriend looks at her like a lady, and she likes feeling that way, and felt if she did the same things with the boyfriend, that he would no longer respect her.

 

She does not want him to look at her like the "dirty girl" she felt like being when she was younger and went on a string of no holds barred one night stands. She didn't care about being respected then, she just wanted to have a good time.

 

I think few guys would be okay with this answer though.

 

I think women with this sort of history should not talk about it with their partner, if they do not want to continue to do that type of stuff. I am not saying they should lie, but maybe just plead the 5th.

[Drseussgrrl]

I've finally come to the point in my life where I'm 100% comfortable with who I am and LIKE who I am.

 

And I've learned the hard way that trying to be something for someone else doesn't make me happy - nor does it make HIM happy.

 

I gotta be loved, warts and all.

[pbjbear]

I always got the impression these later boyfriends were not sexually adventurous and thats why a woman suddenly became "prim" but these boyfriends have other good qualities that make up for it (most likely more compassion and respect for women)

 

If I fell in love with a super conservative guy I would try to have wild sex after some time, but if it aint gonna happen, it aint gonna happen. Not everyone has the same sex tendencies. There are guys out there who arent into porn sex...really...Ive met and slept with a few. There are some that think naughty stuff like that is atrocious and whatever, everyones different. I would be very wary of acting sexually crazy with a guy like that

 

Now if a woman has sex in a naughty fashion with a bunch of guys, settles down with another adventurous partner and doesnt repeat her naughty behavior...thats weird. I didnt realize that this happens

[StanMusial]

In my experience, these types of pairings usually fail. I'm talking 90% of the time. People can adjust their lifestyle to a certain degree but typically if you're on a different wavelength your life just doesn't mesh with the other person's. I know you said "formerly wild", but as we have seen in other threads the past tends to haunt.

[KungFuJoe]

I agree with Stan....they will fail.

 

If one of you is "wild" and the other not...I dunno. Maybe it's my limited experience, but I don't think it would work.

[MrNate 2.0]

Interesting thoughts on quite a hot topic T-dub. And I'm frankly curious as to what some of the responses will be.

 

Let me go ahead and get my popcorn and pull up my chair. This should get interesting when that 'trigger post' comes along as with every thread.

[GoodOnPaper]

I wonder if those men just do not conjure up the same attraction that the ex-boyfriends did.

 

Which leads you to wonder why the woman is with the new, more "conservative" boyfriend in the first place . . .

 

I assume you have seen the movie Chasing Amy -- that pretty much sums up everything.

[tbf]

However, it's the misrepresentation that occurs which can cause a problem in the future, as it looks.

This.

 

If men or women don't want to be judged by their past, then set up the equitable boundary of no past discussions or be honest and admit your past (in no great detail since what happens in the bedroom should stay in the bedroom) with the caveat that you've changed.

 

From what I've read on LS, there appears to be way, way too much crass detail being discussed about the past with partners. Why not stop it at the numbers level and if he/she wants to know more in-depth detail, just tell them that it's none of their business? If they get butt-hurt, then they're not worth your time.

[GoodOnPaper]

I always got the impression these later boyfriends were not sexually adventurous and thats why a woman suddenly became "prim" but these boyfriends have other good qualities that make up for it (most likely more compassion and respect for women)

 

Maybe that's true for some guys, but as a reserved guy myself, I wanted to find one woman who would be as uninhibited with me as she would be with a Magic-Mike ONS type. It's confusing when there is a lot of dedication to the relationship outside the bedroom but a lot of inhibition inside the bedroom.

[aed]

Which leads you to wonder why the woman is with the new, more "conservative" boyfriend in the first place . . .

 

I assume you have seen the movie Chasing Amy -- that pretty much sums up everything.

 

This!

9/10 those girl are with those conservative guys, because they couldn't hold on to the other types of guys!

 

 

When you feel you need to lie or hide things from your OS, deep down inside you know that is not the right person for me.

[Taramere]

Not to denigrate the women who did the wild things either. I have no problem with that, and I'm not the guy who gets jealous about it. I understand that women are very sexual and will do wild things for guys they are very sexually attracted to. I just try to make sure that along with all the attributes that make me a dependable long-term option, I incorporate other elements of my character that make me sexually attractive enough that I can have those mutually enjoyable adventures with a woman on all levels.

 

Women vary in the male qualities they'll get freaky for, and some women won't get freaky at all.

 

I would say that it's a very specific combination of trusting somebody, feeling physically comfortable around them and having a strong playful vibe with them. I remember having that with a long term boyfriend I used to get playfully weird with. It was a lot of fun. One day he decided to try a different approach, and it had a verbally abusive element to it. Which isn't particularly freaky as such, but it was definitely unpleasant. My reaction was "woah"..I did not like it. I had to get out of that room and collect myself for 10 minutes or so, and it was a difficult situation to get past so that we could go back to our usual playful vibe.

 

I surprised us both with how strongly I reacted against it. There is absolutely no way I could have faked being okay with it. There are some women who would have liked it. Who knows...maybe with a different man, at a different time I'd have been okay with it too. Maybe with a different man some of the playful weirdness we used to get up to just wouldn't work.

 

The bottom line is that we're not machines. Not robots. We can't just conjure up past moments and recreate them with a different man at a different time. It can be as much about the moment and what is going on our life at that point as it is about the man. If not more.

[ThaWholigan]

This!

9/10 those girl are with those conservative guys, because they couldn't hold on to the other types of guys!

 

 

When you feel you need to lie or hide things from your OS, deep down inside you know that is not the right person for me.

Yo, Nate - Here's your trigger

 

I don't know if I agree with your assertion that they "couldn't hold onto those types of guys" - probably in some cases, but I would probably assume the good was eventually outweighed by the bad at some point in the relationship.

 

I also feel Mustangguy had a good point:

 

One answer I have heard to this question is that the girl does not want to do some stuff she did in the past, because she likes the way their boyfriend looks at her.

Her boyfriend looks at her like a lady, and she likes feeling that way, and felt if she did the same things with the boyfriend, that he would no longer respect her.

 

She does not want him to look at her like the "dirty girl" she felt like being when she was younger and went on a string of no holds barred one night stands. She didn't care about being respected then, she just wanted to have a good time.

 

It would appear that she has a her own version of a Madonna/Whore complex if such is the case. I would think that a synthesis would be ideal, however, it may be that the past offers bad memories rather than good, maybe she doesn't access those sexual memories without triggering whatever is preventing her. That is a speculation.....

 

 

I would also beg the question though: Why the conservative guy now?

[aed]

Yo, Nate - Here's your trigger

 

I would also beg the question though: Why the conservative guy now?

 

This is the only question about those topics! I have my own theories, based on my interaction and experience with women.

 

The same is like why men **** every party girl that shows interest, but won't commit to them, but are looking for a girl that is almost a virgin.

 

Why would that be?

[ThaWholigan]

Women vary in the male qualities they'll get freaky for, and some women won't get freaky at all.

 

I would say that it's a very specific combination of trusting somebody, feeling physically comfortable around them and having a strong playful vibe with them. I remember having that with a long term boyfriend I used to get playfully weird with. It was a lot of fun. One day he decided to try a different approach, and it had a verbally abusive element to it. Which isn't particularly freaky as such, but it was definitely unpleasant. My reaction was "woah"..I did not like it. I had to get out of that room and collect myself for 10 minutes or so, and it was a difficult situation to get past so that we could go back to our usual playful vibe.

 

I surprised us both with how strongly I reacted against it. There is absolutely no way I could have faked being okay with it. There are some women who would have liked it. Who knows...maybe with a different man, at a different time I'd have been okay with it too. Maybe with a different man some of the playful weirdness we used to get up to just wouldn't work.

 

The bottom line is that we're not machines. Not robots. We can't just conjure up past moments and recreate them with a different man at a different time. It can be as much about the moment and what is going on our life at that point as it is about the man. If not more.

 

I hear this.

 

I always refer back to astrology when it comes to differences, which is a weird quirk of mine - chart-wise anyway. I think that people certainly are triggered by different things, and some women really aren't as freaky as others - understood.

 

I'm more thinking of those who were and then decided not to be after finding a new conservative guy. I'm trying to bring across the mindset of the guy in the situation - it is an insecurity that one should deal with, but I do understand it.

[ThaWholigan]

This is the only question about those topics! I have my own theories, based on my interaction and experience with women.

 

The same is like why men **** every party girl that shows interest, but won't commit to them, but are looking for a girl that is almost a virgin.

 

Why would that be?

Insecurity IMO. On both sides.

[tbf]

A study on female arousal might be of interest in this discussion:

 

PLOS ONE: Feelings of Disgust and Disgust-Induced Avoidance Weaken following Induced Sexual Arousal in Women

 

Principal Findings

 

The sexual arousal group rated the sex related stimuli as less disgusting compared to the other groups. A similar tendency was evident for the non-sex disgusting stimuli. For both the sex and non-sex related behavioural tasks the sexual arousal group showed less avoidance behaviour (i.e., they conducted the highest percentage of tasks compared to the other groups).

[aed]

Insecurity IMO. On both sides.

 

I think the problem is with people who experimented on their darkside, and got hurt by those people. They search for different kind of people, and those people don't have that same darkside and then they claim "I have changed".

[MrCastle]

I think some people have issues with some of the other traits commonly associated with some promiscuous women. I've seen women do the whole "slut shaming" thing to their fellow woman. I don't think it's necessarily about some people being reserved or not as sexual, and judging others. I think there's more to it than that.

[Taramere]

I hear this.

 

I always refer back to astrology when it comes to differences, which is a weird quirk of mine - chart-wise anyway. I think that people certainly are triggered by different things, and some women really aren't as freaky as others - understood.

 

I'm more thinking of those who were and then decided not to be after finding a new conservative guy. I'm trying to bring across the mindset of the guy in the situation - it is an insecurity that one should deal with, but I do understand it.

 

A friend of mine who was definitely freaky got married to a conservative sort of guy. I haven't seen her in years, since I wasn't very keen on her husband, but I do recall that once she met him she seemed to reinvent herself as a very conservative type. I can well imagine her passing judgement on other women who had way less experience than her. I think that's what it might be in part. Wanting to leave the past behind and become a different person - and he was the man she decided she could do it with.

 

I don't think she lied to him about who she was though. She couldn't have - not in our town. It would catch up with her sooner or later. Last time I saw her she had put on so much weight that unless he's into being squashed or is a feeder, there probably isn't much freakiness going on any more.

[StanMusial]

I think the problem is with people who experimented on their darkside, and got hurt by those people. They search for different kind of people, and those people don't have that same darkside and then they claim "I have changed".

 

Many times it is just hard, cold calculation. Which one will keep a roof over my head? Which one will provide for me and baby? Conservative often means stable, stable means employed, employed means financially viable. I've seen it more than once, believe me.