TheGuard13 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 I've had a couple of longterm relationships at this point. In both of them, I've noticed various character flaws early on, and noted, but somewhat excused them as my girlfriend being human, since they're not constant, and since they're the types of issues I see in other people on a fairly common basis. I've always figured people are people, but I'm realizing that those flaws seem to end up being the things that end up making me not want to stay in a relationship. However, this usually happens about a year or more into a relationship, in some cases several years. I don't think it's simply a case of the bloom being off the rose, as that tends to happen much earlier. I'm curious how, moving forward, I can do a good/better job of recognizing trait/flaws up front that may becomes larger issues later on, and I'm curious: When you're in a relationship, how do you process what you learn about your partner and their character flaws? What kinds of traits are you looking for, and do you consider certain things red flags aside from the obvious psychological stuff? What kind of stuff is a dealbreaker for you early on, or gives you pause about a relationship?
mustangguy29 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Any sort of history of a mental health issue is a deal breaker. Chances are it will come back up. I had a girl that seemed normal and was an awesome girlfriend for 2 months, and then disagreed with me about something and kicked me, which resulted in me immediately ending the relationship and never talking to her again. Thing is, she had a rep of being "crazy", but seemed plenty normal to me until that day. I am now on the look out for that sort of things.
KungFuJoe Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Dealbreaker for me is lack of self confidence/jealousy. But, this I can detect a mile away, so I normally don't even get to the "dating" stage before I know if she's confident or not. Case in point...one girl I was trying to go out with...we were in the "talking" stage, basically...we were at a party together. My best female friend showed up (we all had mutual friends) and she comes in, gives me a hug, and she goes on her way. I turn around, and the girl I had been "talking" to is just giving me a stare. I knew INSTANTLY what the problem was, but I feigned ignorance and just asked her what was wrong. She starts going off about who that girl was, am I "with" her...why would I invite her, etc, etc. I just gave her a long stare and said, "You have got to be kidding me"...and just turned around and walked away. I never spoke to her again.
Joaquin Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Is it a red flag that a gf/bf stayed in a previous relationship (no marriage, no kids) where they were cheated on and repeatedly lied to but kept taking the person back because they "loved" the person?
KungFuJoe Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Is it a red flag that a gf/bf stayed in a previous relationship (no marriage, no kids) where they were cheated on and repeatedly lied to but kept taking the person back because they "loved" the person? Can't answer this without context. Was he/she cheated on once or twice or 20 times? Did he beat her? Did she try to get him arrested by lying that he raped her?
pbjbear Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 I have difficulty with this myself too. Sometimes I have been too I am too judgmental/picky and other times I have been told Im too forgiving. In terms of flaws, alot of it depends on the person's personality and character. People make mistakes in their past. People mess up in relationships and they can have a mature convo about it and never do it again. Some people repeat. Its hard to tell what category someone will fall into when you dont know them well so its like, do you risk it and invest or do you cut your losses? Being a jerk is the number 1 character flaw for me. Being a jerk rarely changes (Im in my mid 20's and date usually my age and up... so if men arent really mature by now I doubt theyll magically grow up overnight) Dishonesty is the number 2 character flaw I see where I bolt...I find that rarely changes by my age as well. Controlling behavior is another. Other than that, cant really think of anything... Mental health issues arent always so black and white. I know many people who have had anxiety breakdowns and depression who are fine now. The difference? They got help and grew as a person and became much better at coping with it. I have several friends who have rape histories that purposefully never tell a guy about it due to the judgment they receive about how they will always have problems...(they are my age and older by the way) Guys will use it against them when they get mad over typical relationship stuff later down the road...(not kicking anyone either, like "you ignored my calls this week" and "you were mean to me" behavior)
pbjbear Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Is it a red flag that a gf/bf stayed in a previous relationship (no marriage, no kids) where they were cheated on and repeatedly lied to but kept taking the person back because they "loved" the person? Sounds like they have low self esteem
Disenchantedly Yours Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Dealbreaker for me is lack of self confidence/jealousy. But, this I can detect a mile away, so I normally don't even get to the "dating" stage before I know if she's confident or not. Case in point...one girl I was trying to go out with...we were in the "talking" stage, basically...we were at a party together. My best female friend showed up (we all had mutual friends) and she comes in, gives me a hug, and she goes on her way. I turn around, and the girl I had been "talking" to is just giving me a stare. I knew INSTANTLY what the problem was, but I feigned ignorance and just asked her what was wrong. She starts going off about who that girl was, am I "with" her...why would I invite her, etc, etc. I just gave her a long stare and said, "You have got to be kidding me"...and just turned around and walked away. I never spoke to her again. That's cold dude. I mean, okay, you don't like girls that don't have confidence. That's fine. But I don't think you handled it all that great either to be honest. It's not like she physically assulted you like Mustangguy.
Joaquin Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Can't answer this without context. Was he/she cheated on once or twice or 20 times? Did he beat her? Did she try to get him arrested by lying that he raped her? No. Just a case of being played by a guy I'd say. But I guess who knows unless yr involved. Low self esteem sounds likely, but I wondered if it was that the person who kept going back saw the behaviour as acceptable in a relationship, hence a possible red flag.
Lonely Ronin Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 That's cold dude. I mean, okay, you don't like girls that don't have confidence. That's fine. But I don't think you handled it all that great either to be honest. It's not like she physically assulted you like Mustangguy. I would have done pretty much the same thing, if she is going to go off the deep end for no good reason, she doesn't deserve special considerations.
KungFuJoe Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 That's cold dude. I mean, okay, you don't like girls that don't have confidence. That's fine. But I don't think you handled it all that great either to be honest. It's not like she physically assulted you like Mustangguy. You gotta understand where I came from. I was with the most jealous woman on the planet for FOUR YEARS. I mentioned it before, but she got mad at me once for a WRONG NUMBER. Some random girl called her house asking for some random person and she ASSUMED I was messing around with girls giving them her number. Tell me...does that sound psycho to you? And that was just the tip of the iceberg. I can't deal with jealous women. She had no self esteem. NONE. She eventually cheated on me due to her low self esteem. It's the biggest red flag in the world...and yeah...perhaps I was a bit "abrupt" with my reaction to the girl I was talking to, but I just did both of us a favor. I met my eventual wife literally 2 weeks later...and I heard she got married shortly afterwards as well.
KungFuJoe Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 No. Just a case of being played by a guy I'd say. But I guess who knows unless yr involved. Low self esteem sounds likely, but I wondered if it was that the person who kept going back saw the behaviour as acceptable in a relationship, hence a possible red flag. Still hard to answer. I dunno how I would feel. I guess I wouldn't like it but I don't think that would be a deal breaker. I mean, maybe she REALLY loved the guy and was being faithful and loyal and trying to make things worse. I wouldn't want someone to just bail on me,in the middle of a relationship, just cuz things got a bit sour.
yessy21 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 DealBreakers: Excessive jelaousy Verbal ABuse Physical Abuse Crack user Meth user Alcoholic Glue Sniffer POrn Addict Severe Sex addict heroine addict thief overindulger lack of communication skills panty sniffer the list can go onnnnn and onnnnn.....
Joaquin Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Still hard to answer. I dunno how I would feel. I guess I wouldn't like it but I don't think that would be a deal breaker. I mean, maybe she REALLY loved the guy and was being faithful and loyal and trying to make things worse. I wouldn't want someone to just bail on me,in the middle of a relationship, just cuz things got a bit sour. There was cheating, how many who knows. Is a girl that has accepted cheating and lies in an ltr also likely to cheat, or at the least have a distorted view of a healthy relationship. I guess it's not simple.
KungFuJoe Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 DealBreakers: Excessive jelaousy Verbal ABuse Physical Abuse Crack user Meth user Alcoholic Glue Sniffer POrn Addict Severe Sex addict heroine addict thief overindulger lack of communication skills panty sniffer the list can go onnnnn and onnnnn..... Glue sniffer? Guess that means you and I will never be. But I don't care...it's just you and me, Elmer!!! 2
Treasa Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Cheating Lying Smoking Not liking animals Deadbeat Momma's boy Not into sex (I hate that I even have to include this one) Narcissistic Ignorant Those are my bigger dealbreakers.
monicaelise Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Beyond the obvious biggies (mental illness, history of abuse, current substance abuse), the one thing that sends me running faster than just about anything else is obsessive materialism (of the socio-psychological variety, not philosophical). People who put their "things" above their interpersonal relationships bother me to the point that I don't wish to be around them, regardless of whether they're male or female. If a man's car means more to him than his partner or friends, he's definitely not the man for me.
Woggle Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 If she kills people on the weekends she is not the one for me. 2
Disenchantedly Yours Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 If she kills people on the weekends she is not the one for me. You realize that still leaves 5 other days wide and open.
Woggle Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 You realize that still leaves 5 other days wide and open. I have to work those days so that is okay. I just don't want any blood on our time. 1
Keenly Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 My deal breakers are : If she is deeply religious it won't work. If her mind is closed on a box it won't work. If she is not intellectually curious it won't work. If she is not affectionate it won't work. If she has problems controlling her temper it won't work. If she can't laugh at a stupid joke BECAUSE its stupid. If she props herself up by putting others down. If she insists I do things I'm against to please her. If she throws my deepest fears back in my face.... because.that happened once
KungFuJoe Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Some religion is not a deal breaker for me...but anyone who is a hardcore Abrahamic religious zealot will kindly be shown the door, thank you very much.
Author TheGuard13 Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 Mental health issues arent always so black and white. I know many people who have had anxiety breakdowns and depression who are fine now. The difference? They got help and grew as a person and became much better at coping with it. Agreed. The dealbreaker in this sense comes when you get someone who has a mental health issue and refuses to get any kind of help for it.
yessy21 Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Glue sniffer? Guess that means you and I will never be. But I don't care...it's just you and me, Elmer!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE GLUE IS THESE DAYS???? its 3.49! Im cheap man.
KungFuJoe Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE GLUE IS THESE DAYS???? its 3.49! Im cheap man. I know...I had to switch from Elmer's to generic. 1
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