felicians Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year to the day. We were friends for about a year or so before we got together, and went about eight months straight without having a single fight in our relationship. We gel together well and have shared many good times with one another. I really do love him. The last few months though, I have been having a few personal struggles (ie. not being able to find work, hating the job I'm currently in, losing contact with old friends, adjusting to life post-study, etc.), and this has been taking quite an emotional toll on me. As a result, my dear boyfriend has been copping most of my emotive outbursts. We've been having strange little fights about very small things the last few months, and I've been very difficult to cope with. I can't remember the last time I had more than four hours sleep, and I get myself worked up about minor issues and spend the whole night worrying. I have been crying at the drop of a hat, and although my boyfriend is very caring and supportive, he's also the 'no-nonsence', straight talking, logical type who cannot understand my emotions at the moment (and rightly so). Lately, I've been struggling to get out of bed and get motivated to do even the most basic of tasks. This annoys my boyfriend a fair bit, as he's the restless type who is always on the go! This morning after having a big fight about him putting a passcode lock on his phone (yes, a very minor issue, but I felt "hard done by" because my phone is old and laggy and I wanted to check the weather on his nice, new shiny phone and couldn't because I didn't know the passcode) he told me that he wasn't sure he still wanted to be with me. We met up after work and had a talk. He wasn't angry and had cooled down. He was very calm and just his usual self. He told me that there's about a 40% he wanted to end our relationship, and a 60% chance that he wanted to stay and fix things. He said he still loves me, but wants to do what is in his best interest, and that he hasn't made his mind up yet about breaking up with me, or fixing our relationship. We spoke again tonight, and he just seemed very deflated, tired and empty. A far cry from his usual self. I've taken the step of going to see my doctor tomorrow to get a referral to someone I can talk to about my emotional state, and what can be done. I think I'm very anxious, and this is taking a massive toll on almost every aspect of my life - including my relationship. I want to sort this out, not only for the sake of "us", but also because I want to feel happy again. My boyfriend is glad I'm taking this step, and wanted me to see someone before Christmas, but I was very reluctant to admit that I had any sort of mental, anxiety or emotional problem. My biggest fear is that it's too late and that I've lost him for good He means the absolute world to me, and although I haven't been showing it lately, I do truly love him and want to be with him. I'm just stuck in a rut, and he has been the unfortunate and undue victim of my own personal problems. Is there anything else I can do? I'm seeking help, and have told him I'll commit myself to being more active, more motivated and less lazy. I pretty much just want to stop fighting and fix what we have because I believe we have rock solid foundations, and went so long without fighting that it would be a shame to throw such a good thing away. I'm really worried and I can't bare the thought of losing him. I just love him so much
Els Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 There's no point telling yourself that 'it's too late'. You gotta start working on the here and now and showing him that you're taking solid steps to improve, not just talking. If it's too late, it's too late, but anything you do will benefit you immensely in the future anyway. If it isn't too late, you'll save your R by doing so. One thing that strikes me is that you said you 'had been up all night worrying about small things'. From experience, I can assure you that anxiety and insomnia feed into each other in a horrible vicious cycle. The less you sleep, the more your anxiety exacerbates over the most minor of things, and then you sleep even less. If you're still not sleeping, you need to tell your doctor that when you see him. He will give you pills to break the vicious cycle. Take them. Sleeping pills are generally harmless when taken according to directions for short periods of time. The next thing you need to do is to not overwhelm yourself by trying to do a 180 degrees change in one day. If your bf is at all reasonable, I think he will appreciate small changes in gradual amounts. Seems to me his biggest problem with you now is the arguing, not the fact that you're 'not always active' etc. So work on that first. Why do you have to be on the run all the time anyway? Can he not accept that you're simply different from him in that aspect? This isn't just on you to fix, he needs to work on that as well. I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through, but happy to hear that you're going to get help. Anxiety is a huge bitch and a half, but being able to get professional help will aid you immensely. Don't be ashamed about getting it. Most of us suffer from some issues or other at some point in our lives, and the ones who admit it and seek help for it are the ones who end up handling them the best.
Author felicians Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 Thank you so much for your reply, that makes me feel a little better about the situation. I'm just a little nervous about seeking help because I've never acknowledged any weakness in me, but it's starting to take it's toll and I have to. It's daunting. My boyfriend is reasonable, and I think he'll totally understand that I can't completely switch things around in one day like you said. I think he'll be able to see that. He's said he'll come along to some counselling sessions with me (if he can fit them in with his work schedule), and I think he will be supportive... It's just the 40/60 break-up/stay ratio he revealed to me this afternoon that has me really scared.
Els Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Thank you so much for your reply, that makes me feel a little better about the situation. I'm just a little nervous about seeking help because I've never acknowledged any weakness in me, but it's starting to take it's toll and I have to. It's daunting. My boyfriend is reasonable, and I think he'll totally understand that I can't completely switch things around in one day like you said. I think he'll be able to see that. He's said he'll come along to some counselling sessions with me (if he can fit them in with his work schedule), and I think he will be supportive... That's great! I still think getting some sleep meds from your doctor will help give you the temporary boost to help you over this rut and allow counseling to be more effective. I hate to discourage you, but counseling is not a quick procedure. It takes months, if not years, for many people to find cognitive behavioural therapy effective (which is most likely what your counselor will do). Some people even need to take the first few months to assess their counselors and switch if needed. But that is ultimately your decision. It's just the 40/60 break-up/stay ratio he revealed to me this afternoon that has me really scared. That's your anxiety speaking, hon. You're fixating on a few words that he said at that time - which may or may not be exactly how he still feels at this time. It's okay to be scared. But you need to be able to let that go.
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