He cheated on me, I don't want to break up. Need Advice...

[Istandalone]

I am broken hearted. I have been with this man for over a year and a half now, and things were just peachie. We were engaged, buying our first home, and still very much in love. Or so I thought.

 

Just recently, new neighbors moved into the apartment above ours. Three young college girls I've learned. The very day they moved in, one of the girls joined us for a BBQ. Throughout the evening I noticed that she had been very flirtatious with my fiance' (who I will refer to as Bob), which obviously upset me. I started a fight with "Bob" and locked him out of my bedroom. The following morning I found him sleeping on the couch. I felt so ashamed for treating him that way, and felt I had over-reacted. The entire week I had blamed myself for the fight and apologized profusely.

 

What I learned later that week, by another neighbor, Bob had slept with one of the upstairs sorority girls. Needless to say, I tossed him out and have since been wallowing in self pity.

 

I had thought our relationship was on the right track, and we were happy. Now it seems as though he doesn't even want to mend things, although I offered the opportunity. I am feeling very hurt and lost and not sure how to cope with this. I want to be with him, but now I feel as though I am the one chasing after him when he should be groveling to me. I love the cheating jerk, and feel as though I was hasty in my decision to kick him out. Do I need to give him another chance, or am I better off cutting my losses and moving on? Right now I'm so lost. I really need a shoulder to cry on...

[POsitive thinkg]

You did the right thing. Don't let yourself get stepped all over. he broke your trust love is nothing withou it.

[Starnette83]

Hey girl, you did the right thing, he cheated on you, you should not be chasing him!! i know u love him but if u seem desperate and going after him whuile hes cheated on u, he will not desire, instead he will see u as some pathetic loser who has no self dignity or self esteem which is a turn off for anyone..

what he did is horrible, if someone needs to be chasing it should be him!!!

i know it must hurt a hell lot..but please stop chasing him!!!!

Dont call him, dont NOTHING>....just turn ure love into anger..and make that anger motivate u to move on...after he sees ure doing fine without him he WILL regret what hes done!!!

 

read the book "why men love bitches" by Sherry Argov...It will help u alot

 

"most men disrespect a woman who appears to be too malleable"

 

Heres another tip be INDIFFERENT with him...

indifference=less predictable response=RENEWED INTEREST

where as

Nagging=A woman who is predictable= A feeling of obligation=DECREASED LUST!!!

 

 

just be strong, YOU are too woman for him, if he cheated on u, he honestly does not deserve a second shot, u deserve better, pick yourself up Girl and show him hes not worth it!!!

[overseas2004]

Ok, you are picking out a house and getting ready to get engaged and this is the time he choses to cheat on you with a sorority girl?????

 

I have news for you. He will always be like that, because if he is like that now, when now should be the happiest and closest time you will ever be... then he is a cheater who cannot reform.

 

Your marriage will be marked by endless affairs. You will end up a bitter woman, and you will have raised children who have trust issues.

 

if he is already gone from your life... well then use that time to find someone new.

 

Oh and guess what... you can live without anyone. Soon you will find that out if you stay away from him.

[tokyo]

He´s a s***head. And he will definitely not be able to control himself in the future. He´s not even feeling guilty, he probably told you he was angry, because you had kicked him out of your bedroom and he just lost his nerves and that´s why he slept with the sorority girl. Don´t take the blame and leave him.

[Istandalone]

I know you all are right. It's just so hard to move on. Our lives were so entertwined, you know? We lived together, had bills together. My name is on his car! It's just really sad to wake up alone, to come home alone, and BE alone. I am typically a very independent person, but right now I feel so lost.

 

I know I did the right thing, but it feels so wrong. It's so hard to keep all those memories away. Hide the photos, hide the gifts, hide my gorgeous engagement ring. It's really painful. I have heard that the best way to get over one man is to find another, but I'm terrified that my heart will break again. Not to mention, I can't even imagine myself with anyone else. I'm just so lonely and hurt. I wish it had never happened.

[tokyo]

He was the wrong man, so you´ll surely find someone else who is better.

Take a closer look at him and I´m sure you´ll find a lot of things about him

that you never liked, hints that he would have never been faithful or respected

you and then you won´t be too sad that he left you. Next time you will be more

careful, there are so many nice people out there, it would be worse if your

ex-fiance was the best man and you had lost him, but he obviously is not. So

go ahead

[Istandalone]

Thanks Kooky. I know you're right, but it will take time. I was really happy before this happened and it feels like my little world is crumbling. I just want someone to give me hugs when I need them

[Starnette83]

No trying to find someone else to soon wont work, cuz u will compare them to ure ex....

I tried that and it just made me miss my ex anymore..

this is now time to take care of YOU..

GO RUNNING...RUN AS FAST AS U CAN TIL U SWEAT!! cry while ure running if u have to, ive done that, helps!

 

EAT RIGHT

 

PRAY TO GOD

 

GO OUT WITH FRIENDS AND IF U DONT HAVE FRIENDS CUZ HE WAS THE ONLY ONE (THIS HAPPENS TO ALL OF US) GO OUT TO CLUBS AND JUST ANYWHERE AND TRY TO GET FRIENDS, DONT FEEL AFRAID OF GOING OUT ALONE....IT WILL BE HARD AT FIRST AND FEEL LONELY BUT AFTER A WHILE U WILL FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOUSELF!!!

 

HEY GIRL I KNOW EVERYTHING WAS LIKE BETWEEN U AND HIM, U GUYS SHARED ALOT..I KNOW THAT FEELING, I WAS WITH MY GUY FOR 3 YEARRS 1/2, I WAS ALMOST LIKE HIS LIL WIFEY..I KNEW EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM, EVEN SHARED A CREDIT CARD WHICH WAS SO CUTE....NOW ITS OVER AND HAVENT SPOKEN TO HIM FOR 5 WEEKS AND WHY? CUZ HE WAS GIVING OUT HIS # TO GIRLS, CLOSE ENOUGH TO CHEATING AND MAYBE DID..WHO KNOWS!!

 

ANYWAYS I WAS LIKE YOU "BUT HES THE ONE", "WE'VE SHARED SO MUCH TOGETHER HOW CAN WE JUST THROW ALL THAT WAY, THERES GOTTA BE A WAY TO WORK THINGS OUT!" "I LOVE HIM, AND I KNOW DEEP DOWN INSIDE HE LOVES ME" , ....UMM WAKE UP CALL!!!

NO THEY DONT LOVE US, CUZ IOF THEY DID WHY DO THEY HURT US??????

WOULD U HURT SOMEONE U LOVED??

 

they are selfish...im sorry u have to go through this but i promise u that this will help u so much in your future....

SHOW HIM THE POWER IN YOU!!!!! DONT LET HIM SEE U SAD, WEAK, TEARY EYED!!!

 

i know it will take time, but im 5 weeks and i can tell u im better now then 4 weeks ago, i never thought i could make it this long with no contact, i thought i couldnt live without him and we were meant to eachother but i made a list of all the bad things he did to me and how much he hurt me and its that which makes me keep going...

 

the good moments will pop up in your mind, but right now look at the PRESENT not the PAST!!

the present is HES HURT YOU- HE CHEATED ON YOU!!!!!!!

HE CHOSE TO SLEEP WITH ANOTHER GIRL AND HE DIDNT THINK OF YOU, DINDT THINK OF HOW IT COULD HURT YOUR RELATIONSHIP!! HE DOESNT EVEN DESERVE YOU AT ALL NOW!!

JUST FOR THAT I CAN TELL U, YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCHHH MORE AND THANK GOD U DIDNDT MARRY THIS SELFISH CHEESEBALL !!!

 

 

GIRL HANG IN THERE.....

LISTEN TO JOJO :LEAVE GET OUT!!!!! AND DANCE TO IT, CRY TO IT, SING IT OUT LOUD AND BELIEVE URE WORDS: LEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVEEEEEE GEETTTTTTTTTT OUUUUUTTTT!!!

[Istandalone]

I feel so wretched.

 

He called to "see how I was doing" while he moved into his new place. Great timing. I for some reason had the nerve to ask if he loved me...

 

guess what the answer was...

 

wait...

 

"no".

 

What in the heck was I thinking? Now I feel 100 times worse!

[Starnette83]

iok first time a guy hurts you, its his fault

2nd time a guy hurts u, its YOUR FAULT

 

stop pickicking up the phone when he calls

DONT CALL HIM

IGNORE HIM

SHOW HIM YOU DONT CARE!!!!

 

CAN U DO THAT???

 

HE KNOWS HES GOT U WERE HE WANTS...

HE KNOWS HE CAN COME TO U ANYTIME AND YOU'LL BE THERE, WAITIN WITH A SMILE ON URE FACE EVEN THO HES TOLD U HE DOESNT LOVE U AND CHEATED ON U!!

 

TIME FOR U TO GET MAD AND PISSED AND IGNORE HIM COMPLETELY!!

THIS WILL BE HARD INT HE BEGINNING, BUT GIRL GET PISSED, THIS GUY CHEATED ON YOU!!!!! AND TO TOP IT OFF HE CALLS U TO SEE HOW URE DOING? COME ON GIVE ME A BREAK, HE JUST WANTS TO SEE IF U CAN STILL FALL FOR HIM, AND NOW U HAVE REASSURED HIM U CAN!!!

NEXT TIME DONT GIVE HIM THAT BENEFIT!!!

 

REALLY IGNORE HIM, WATCH..IGNORE HIM FOR A MONTH AND WATCH HIM RUNNING BACK TO U LIKE A LOST PUPPYY, BUT KEEP BEING THERE WHEN HE CALLS AND SHOWING HIM U CARE AND SERVE AS A BACKUP!!!

[ojibwaywmn]

I know EXACTLY what you are going through Istandalone. My ex said all the right things, did all the right things until he had me where he wanted. Had me thoroughly convinced that we were going to share a life together. Not even two months into leasing a new apartment, he started staying up late at night chatting with other women. This was while I was in bed, I was the only one working at the time.

 

To make a long story short, I found out that he is a man with little or no integrity, has no respect for women, and thinks of his own gratification first. Does it hurt? The first few months...I thought I was going to die from the pain and loneliness. But I knew deep in my soul that no man was going to treat me like a doormat. SO I dumped him.

 

A few months after the break-up, he called me out of the blue. I was still vulnerable at the time and agreed to see him. We spent the evening and night together. I thought there was a chance of reconciling. Turned out that he was back with his ex and their 2 children at the time. He made no mention of that. Again, I felt foolish for falling for it. But now, I make it a point NOT TO ACKNOWLEDGE him whenever we are in the same room.

 

Why would I want to pine for someone who treated me with such disrespect and disregard for my feelings? I think the loss I felt the most was the loss of "what could have been". I never lived with someone before, and so the loss of companionship was also painful.

 

Take care of yourself girl. Everyone has choices in this life. Your ex made the choice to run the other way and screw some chick, rather than talk it over with you. That shows immaturity and lack of integrity right there. If you took him back with no set "plan" ie. counselling, than you are just setting yourself up to get played again. So ignore him, as much as it hurts. You did nothing wrong here, you are standing up for you.

[Istandalone]

well, i have more news.

 

After weeping for hours, in my self pity, he called. He said that he couldn't lie and say that he didn't love me. He said the reason he said it to begin with is he's scared of how hard things would be if we were to get back together, and how he thought that saying he didn't love me would make me stop loving him. We all know that doesn't work though, right?

 

Anyhow, he asked me over to his new place. I wanted to say no, but I couldn't bring the words to my lips! I went to his new place, and sat on his tiny little, un-made bed. Not a tear fell! I couldn't believe it! He sat and cried the whole time. It was nice to see that he really did have emotions and that he felt something too. I suggested that we ease into or out of breaking up. Whatever we decide. If we want to get back together eventually, that's good. If not, at least we have time to prepare ourselves and the loss of companionship won't be so deep. I suggested couples counseling and have sought out some different counselers already. I thinkwe're headed in a healthier direction, and I feel a lot better.

 

Then, this morning, he gave me a wake up call just to let me know he loves me. That was something I really missed hearing. Let's just hope that we can find a way to work things out, whether it be together or apart. Oh, and if it happens again, i'm cutting "it" off and sticking it in a jar. Hehehe.

 

Ok, that last part was a joke, lol.

[dp]

Please try to get over him, you will. My now husband always seemed to be the flirting type but I never realized that it when further than that. After 10 years of marriage I found out he was cheating. He cried and cried and promised me everything. Now 5 years later, I find he is cheating again. I have a nine year old daughter who will be devastated to lose her father. I am 45 years old married to a loser. No matter how difficult it will be to end things, I promise you, it will be so much worse after you are married with a family. If he can do that when you are newly in love and just engaged, I think he has shown you what he is capable of down the road when life gets a little boring. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

[Starnette83]

Girl

sounds liek u really love this man, i understand, i still love my ex:(

 

But just take care of yourself, i really hope he never hurts u again, because then hes really being a jerk,if u can forgive him and work things out then good, but if he ever does it again, please dont stay with him!

 

I just really hope he realizes what hes done!!!

U think he has? I mean why does one minute he say he doesnt lvoe u and then he sais he does>?? have u asked him this??

Do u really think that now things can work out???

Well i really wish u the best!! Good luck and no relationship is easy!

[blackheart]

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

Cheaters are scum.

 

Get out now. He might promise to change and maybe for a while things will be okay but he will cheat again. So your options are to get rid of him or be willing to let him cheat.

 

Note - I'm slightly biased on the issue given that my ex cheated on me three times and I was stupid enough to take her back.

[ojibwaywmn]

I hope he is sincere in working things out. Counselling will be a great way to see how serious he is about you. For him to throw around the words of love...makes me wonder. Tread carefully with him.