Jefezen Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Should you only ask a woman out for Valentines dinner if you are in a relationship with her? What if you've gone out with her a few times, never have been seriously intimate with her, but are trying to escalate? If Valentines dinner isn't appropriate, do you ignore the day altogether? Send a message? Send a small gift?
TaraMaiden Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Avoid Valentine's day unless you are with someone you consider to be a person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Otherwise, this day will always be marked, in their mind, as a day they wasted. It will be memorable - for all the wrong reasons.... and it will mar their subsequent enjoyment of what Valentine's day should really mean. I think it's also dependent on age, and where 'people are at' in their lives. I'm 55, thrice-married and TBH - I don't really give a damn about it.
Author Jefezen Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 I think it's also dependent on age, and where 'people are at' in their lives.We're both single and in our early 30s, no prior marriages or kids, not in any serious relationships (although there's significant competition for her attention). We're not dating exactly. We've gone out a few times one on one, less frequently than I'd hope, when her supposedly busy schedule permits. Avoid Valentine's day unless you are with someone you consider to be a person you want to spend the rest of your life with.I know I would like to try a relationship with this person. I'm not sure if I'd want to spend the rest of my life with her. It's way too premature for me to know whether we'd even be compatible that way, having only gone out with her a few times and not been intimate. I was looking at Valentines Day as a potential opportunity to convey that I'm indeed serious about exploring a relationship and that I think she would be worthy of one. I also see it as an excuse to ask her out to something nice. Between her cornucopia of old friends as she calls them, family, and anxiety over a work-related exam approaching in six weeks, she frequently claims to be busy (she even plans to use up a week's worth of vacation days to study). Thus on a night when people might rather not be alone (New Years, Valenines, etc.), I figured I might get an increased chance at an acceptance, with the added benefit of there being no doubt as to the nature of my interest in her. (I'm concerned about being friendzoned, if I haven't been already). But coming on too strong before anything has really developed between us can also be a turn-off. I don't want to come across as overly eager, desperate, and emotionally manipulative by exploiting a holiday to manufacture an environment superficially conducive toward my goal. If not dinner, do I mark the day at all by sending a message, a small gift, some sort of token to display my interest?
Els Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 I think there's no harm in asking her out for a dinner. But if she's not 'that' into you yet, she may choose to refuse for fear of sending the wrong signals. Just steel yourself if you choose to ask her. Don't get her a gift, unless it's something really small like a rose or a small box of chocolates, IMO. An expensive gift would be way overkill in this case. Avoid Valentine's day unless you are with someone you consider to be a person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Otherwise, this day will always be marked, in their mind, as a day they wasted. It will be memorable - for all the wrong reasons.... and it will mar their subsequent enjoyment of what Valentine's day should really mean. Have to respectfully disagree with you on this. Had an ex whom I didn't work out with, and I'm glad I got to experience my Valentines Days in college with him. Doesn't mar my enjoyment of my current R and the subsequent celebrations. Just fond memories, of a distant time as a different person in a R that didn't really work out. I think it's also dependent on age, and where 'people are at' in their lives. I'm 55, thrice-married and TBH - I don't really give a damn about it. Agreed.
TaraMaiden Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 .... Have to respectfully disagree with you on this. Had an ex whom I didn't work out with, and I'm glad I got to experience my Valentines Days in college with him. Doesn't mar my enjoyment of my current R and the subsequent celebrations. Just fond memories, of a distant time as a different person in a R that didn't really work out. Oh yeah, I don't think what I wrote can be written in stone... Just thinking from a perspective I might have held, may years ago.... I used to attach a lot of significance to things like that as a younger and much less experienced lady..... so I'm just "projecting" from my own personal PoV.... everyone is different. But it's just a possibility..... 1
Mrlonelyone Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Valentines day is mostly a made up hallmark holiday but it does do one good thing. V day brings things into focus. Ask yourself are you ready to say "I love you"? Because valentines day dinners, gifts, etc all imply "I love you". Those three words will bring into focus where you are at in your relationship. If you aren't able to say "I love you" to someone, or at least willing to imply it, then don't give a gift.
TaserTag Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Since there's already 'competition for her attention' and you're worried about being friendzoned, I think that you should ask her if she is available to go out to dinner. Asking her out for Valentine's Day should show that you're definitely interested in exploring a romantic relationship with her. At the very least I would send her a message on the day of or day before, just wishing her a happy valentine's day and expressing an interest in seeing her when she isn't so busy with work and studying. I wouldn't buy a bunch of roses and go overboard if you've only been on a few dates so far, but I think asking someone out to dinner and just letting them know that you're thinking of them is appropriate and a nice thing to do. 1
rocketman122 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Avoid Valentine's day unless you are with someone you consider to be a person you want to spend the rest of your life with. rest of your life? a bit exaggerating there. I'm 55, thrice-married and TBH - I don't really give a damn about it. a bit weird to recommend "rest of your life" and youre married 3 times. a bit of a hypocrite, no? maybe rest of your life means till you get tired of him and move on to the next HAHA OP, ask her and see what she says. but only if you want to be in a relationship with her. im not talking about a casual thing or FWB but a real one on one, investing time and energy LT relationship then yes ask her. if she says yes, a rose and tiny teddy bear works great. or skip that and bring her some lingerie
Els Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 One day on Valentines day I heard them having a loud argument next door. From what I could hear my neighbor's girlfriend was angry that her boyfriend hadn't planned anything for Valentines day. So apparently some women do value Valentines day. Every woman I know below the age of 35 absolutely does value VDay at least to a certain extent. 1
Author Jefezen Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 Thanks for the feedback. Does anyone think that asking her out for a Valentines Day dinner would be akin to emotional manipulation, in the sense that we're not a couple, it's not even clear whether we're dating, and yet I'm using a holiday to somewhat force the issue? Would she potentially be upset that I placed her in an awkward position of essentially either rejecting me outright and discouraging further pursuit on my part or accepting and feeling prematurely obligated to acquiesce to something romantic in return (such as a kiss)? All we've shared quasi-intimately is a peck on the lips that I dropped on her the last time we went out for dinner. Last night I asked her out to a party this weekend and she declined, citing a big test she's studying for in March. When I said, "Wow, studying on a Saturday night. That's committed!" She answered, "I'm trying to but something always seems to come up like old friends or girls I want to hang out with or my cousin who I haven't seen in awhile. But have fun!" She gave me a similar response when I asked her out a few weeks ago, yet then she agreed to meet me for dinner this past week (she picked the day, time, and place), and it seemed to go well, so I don't know. I've addressed my situation in other threads, but basically this girl came up to me, showed a lot of interest early on, I was nonchalant about it for awhile, and then once I started reaching out to her, she seemed to distance herself, hardly ever initiating contact. She does still go out with other people on occasion (as is her right, of course) and seems to be meeting plenty of others judging by her Facebook activity. In person, everything still goes well, I just don't see as much of her as I would like, and I'm almost afraid to text her more than once or twice a week because she hardly ever texts me first. She very well could be legitimately busy and stressed out about this test, but she also could be using it as an excuse to try and get rid of me, hoping I'll get a clue.
Els Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 I really think you're overthinking this. IMO if she's even remotely interested in you'll she'll be happy to be asked out for dinner on VDay, assuming you don't go totally overboard with this.
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