GlassesSeventy Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 I met this woman online, in October, last year. We swapped numbers, etc...then she told me she was with someone, and deeply unhappy (they argued daily etc). I thought, OK, cool - I'm not looking for anything serious anyway. We'd text every day, the usual stuff. Then, feelings started to develop, etc. We slept together once, which I felt was a bit of a mistake at the time, because I knew I'd start feeling more for her, which I did - I fell for her. A few weeks later, she decided that she couldn't carry on with what we were doing because she felt too bad. It was after this that we started to argue a lot, one day even having an argument that last all day... some things were said, by both parties that I think we both now regret. It took me a while to accept her decision, which I think pissed her off and pushed her away... the whole thing only really lasted two months but...I felt a serious connection, and to be honest, still do. BUT...we haven't spoken for the last four days..the last thing she said to me was that she is not attached anymore, to me...that she's happy with being friends, etc but she won't talk to me everyday as she would feel uncomfortable, knowing I had feelings. Also, she isn't with her partner anymore. So four days NC, here. I don't want to get over her, and don't want to give up - I know that's the wrong mindset, but we haven't been dating since December, and I feel so strongly. I want to show her that I still care, but I'm stuck. She is still so angry at me for the arguments, and I definitely think I'm in love. I really really want to reconcile with her. I've been through break ups before but this feels different. I don't think I've felt this way, before. I don't know...other than doing that NC thing for a month or so, and then acting all happy, is there anything I can do? I'm going a bit nuts here...also....please be brutally honest in your replies...
Boy Band Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 I'm sorry to hear what's happened. This forum seems to be full of people that have been dumped and are struggling to come to terms with it. I think you'll find almost everyone here will suggest you keep to NC now. She should know how you feel about her - as they all say here, if she changes her mind and contacts you and wants to make things up, then so be it. Otherwise, the theory is that NC helps you to move on. I had a breakup in December - right out of the blue - and was told much the same things: she didn't feel the connection anymore, she just wanted to be friends. I tried to talk and reason about it, but it didn't help, in fact, it probably made things worse and maybe I lost a bit of dignity - but you do want to try to keep something that seemed so good to you. Unfortunately, we all want a reconciliation but I fear virtually all of us will never get it. If she's not with her partner, and she knows how you feel, then giving her some time to think about things is probably the best. If she misses you, she'll miss you and she may want to try and rebuild things. If she doesn't, then the idea of NC is that you're already on the road to healing - but it's not a lot of fun either. Hang in there...
Author GlassesSeventy Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 Of course - I can't force her to want me. This feeling is one of the worst I can think of, and I just can't seem to think about anything else. I go running, go to college, it just won't leave me alone.
geegirl Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 (edited) You've only been on NC for four days. It's takes much, much longer to break that attachment that you have to her. Aside from everything that you are doing, NC will help you, only if you stick to it, and I mean strict NO CONTACT. Personally, when I lose that romantic attraction for a man, the feeling is gone. It never comes back. I would suggest you listen to what she is telling you and accept it. Granted you love her, but it's something you're going to have to let go. Just because you love someone, they are not obligated to reciprocate. Again, NC. Even if she contacts you, ignore and move on. If you have to tell her you need to have no contact, then do so but go back to strict NC. It's the only way to heal and move on in your situation. Edited January 29, 2013 by geegirl 1
Author GlassesSeventy Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 Thanks for your input, geegirl - of course four days is hardly any time at all, guess I just gotta keep moving on..
flitzanu Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 what were you expecting to find with this girl? she had a boyfriend, cheated on him by sleeping with you, and now that she got her "fix" she told you she's done and she's back to normal with her boyfriend. as you said, you can't force her to be in love with you, and also she's already IN a relationship. best bet IS to go NC. if she wanted to be with you, she would be with you.
Author GlassesSeventy Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 what were you expecting to find with this girl? she had a boyfriend, cheated on him by sleeping with you, and now that she got her "fix" she told you she's done and she's back to normal with her boyfriend. as you said, you can't force her to be in love with you, and also she's already IN a relationship. best bet IS to go NC. if she wanted to be with you, she would be with you. No, I can't force her - I was just wondering if perhaps there was some other way of showing her or even getting her to open up to me about things, surely she can't just feel nothing? It was pretty intense. And she's not wih the guy anymore, apparently.
geegirl Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 No, I can't force her - I was just wondering if perhaps there was some other way of showing her or even getting her to open up to me about things, surely she can't just feel nothing? It was pretty intense. And she's not wih the guy anymore, apparently. If she wants to open up, SHE will do it voluntarily. It could be that two months really didn't impact her the way it did you. Dumpees always project their feelings on a dumper. She may feel something, maybe, but it's obvious it's not enough for her to continue on with you. 1
Author GlassesSeventy Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 If she wants to open up, SHE will do it voluntarily. It could be that two months really didn't impact her the way it did you. Dumpees always project their feelings on a dumper. She may feel something, maybe, but it's obvious it's not enough for her to continue on with you. Your input is really helping me to see things a bit clearer. There's a funny Pink lyric, something like "one night for me, was like two months for you" or something like that - perhaps this is just a case of that! Which is a shame, I think also maybe I've reached a certain age and the thought of dating endlessly is just SUCH a task - I really wanted it to work out, although to be honest, it was a twisted situation from the start. I also said some things I regret, and I just don't want to be disliked by her...but I guess there's nothing I can do about that, either.
geegirl Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 I also said some things I regret, and I just don't want to be disliked by her...but I guess there's nothing I can do about that, either. There is nothing you can do about that. I think we all can understand that in the heat of the moment, and when emotions are running high, we say the wrong things. I am sure she knows that, and while it may be affecting her now, I am sure in time it will be forgotten and forgiven. If she's unemotional about the relationship, I am sure she is not even ruminating about words that were said. 1
Author GlassesSeventy Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 There is nothing you can do about that. I think we all can understand that in the heat of the moment, and when emotions are running high, we say the wrong things. I am sure she knows that, and while it may be affecting her now, I am sure in time it will be forgotten and forgiven. If she's unemotional about the relationship, I am sure she is not even ruminating about words that were said. I hope so. Thank you so much for your words, I was really struggling today, and kinda feel a bit better now, thanks so much
geegirl Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 I hope so. Thank you so much for your words, I was really struggling today, and kinda feel a bit better now, thanks so much You're welcome Glasses . Glad to have helped ease your mind a bit. Keep venting here. Talking it out always helps.
Author GlassesSeventy Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 Well, today is a nightmare. I will admit I've been crying for the last hour, wondering why she doesn't want me, any more - is there something she sees in me that's so bad, she doesn't want to be with me? I am SO tempted to call her and ask her, but for some reason I haven't. I just want to hear her voice - I'm also convinced she's deleted my number, now. Then I start thinking, well maybe I'm not THAT bad if she still wants to be friends, or is that just her guilt talking? Why hasn't she text me, just once, to see if I'm OK? I'm really not handling this well, at all. All I want to do is see her - I am fed up of talking to her (I haven't been, though) via texts and Whatsapp - I am sick of it.
geegirl Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 She hasn't texted you to see if you are okay because she is emotionally detached from you. Again, don't project your emotions on her. She doesn't feel what you feel therefore, the need to be concerned doesn't cross her mind. And she is doing you a favor by not contacting you. It will only make you cling longer because it feeds your hope. She's doing the kind thing by not confusing you with contact. Of course she can be friends. She's not emotional so suggesting it really has no deep meaning. It's easier for her to be friends than it is for you.
Author GlassesSeventy Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 She hasn't texted you to see if you are okay because she is emotionally detached from you. Again, don't project your emotions on her. She doesn't feel what you feel therefore, the need to be concerned doesn't cross her mind. And she is doing you a favor by not contacting you. It will only make you cling longer because it feeds your hope. She's doing the kind thing by not confusing you with contact. Of course she can be friends. She's not emotional so suggesting it really has no deep meaning. It's easier for her to be friends than it is for you. I don't really have any reply to this, lol. The sensible part of me thinks and knows exactly what you've just written.
flitzanu Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I don't really have any reply to this, lol. The sensible part of me thinks and knows exactly what you've just written. when someone tells you something that you don't want to hear, pay attention. as in what geegirl just said.
Author GlassesSeventy Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 when someone tells you something that you don't want to hear, pay attention. as in what geegirl just said. I'm sorry, I don't quite understand your comment...I am agreeing with geegirl.
flitzanu Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I'm sorry, I don't quite understand your comment...I am agreeing with geegirl. yes, you are agreeing with her. what it means is, how you said you didn't really have a reply, i kinda took that as you knew geegirl is right, but part of you doesn't want to know it's right. if that seems accurate at all we KNOW in our minds what is true and accurate, and we see how exes behave, but still our heart wants to believe otherwise. that's all i was meaning by the phrase. when someone tells you something that you don't want to hear, pay attention to what they are saying. it's a good rule going forward when you're getting advice about crazy exes
Author GlassesSeventy Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 yes, you are agreeing with her. what it means is, how you said you didn't really have a reply, i kinda took that as you knew geegirl is right, but part of you doesn't want to know it's right. if that seems accurate at all we KNOW in our minds what is true and accurate, and we see how exes behave, but still our heart wants to believe otherwise. that's all i was meaning by the phrase. when someone tells you something that you don't want to hear, pay attention to what they are saying. it's a good rule going forward when you're getting advice about crazy exes Ah, I get you now. It does seem accurate, I KNOW it's true, but heart wants something else to be true. I guess because I THOUGHT it was quite intense, and she'd often make comments about us being together when we're old, etc that she'd still have a tiny bit of that left in her. We've agreed to be friends before, and one of us has usually broken NC to ask the other if they're OK, but that hasn't happened this time - it's been six days now, I think. Sooo.... But yeah, I'm moving on - although it isn't what I want to do, there isn't any other choice. 1
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