heyitsmike Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Hey guys! Well I finally gave in and decided to tell my story to see what advice I could get from people outside of my social circle. My situation is a tricky and dragged out one, in that it involves my first love of over 3 years and how she broke my heart. I promise I’ll keep it concise yet informational, so anyway here’s my story: I started dating my ex in June of 2009, my last day of high school. She is 2 years younger than me and I was a graduating senior that same year. We had only dated for 3 months before I left for college and although that appeared to be worrisome, we actually became closer because of it. We’ve dated all throughout my college years, and now I’m a senior in college (recently 22), and my ex is a sophomore at the same school (19) Our three years together were amazing and ill never regret them at all. She was a nice, wholesome girl, who could balance hanging out with friends, partying, but also just want to relax and spend a nice night watching TV in each other’s arms. Our families became close, and we had occasional mentions of our future together. Nothing 100% serious but she would be the type to start a loving argument about what baby names we'd pick for our kids. So now lets get into what happened... This past summer we came home from college and worked together at the same summer camp, and saw each other every day almost. During this time (about 3.5 months) we hooked up as usual; but didn’t have sex. This wasn’t something that annoyed me terribly and I really didn’t care because we were best friends and even just hanging out with her brings brought me enough joy. 2 weeks into the new fall semester; I discovered a face book conversation with a kid from our high school that harassed her because he liked her. He said in the conversation things to her like "when are you going to come visit me at my college" and joking around about "****ing". I’ve told her repeatedly over our relationship that im not comfortable with her talking to him for good reason. She’s told me he’s not a threat and not to worry, but in her messages she just laughed it off, and the only reason I saw this was because I flipped open her laptop lid one day unsuspectingly and saw it. So I decided to talk with her about it. Later on that night she brought up how she wanted to be more independent, and how her friends are my friends and maybe we should try spending a week apart or stop saying I love you during that time. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It came out of nowhere and I was more upset then ive ever been in my life. So I talked with her a few days later and she’s saying she just needs time and that it just took her coming back to school and living with her suitemates (all party girls who go out and are single and promiscuous) to make this decision. I didn’t know it but she put me on a break. A week later we talked and I found out she had made out with a 24-year old drug dealer a few days after she dropped this whole independence bomb on me. They were at this bar we always used to go to, where her suitemate bartends. It’s a small music lounge and college dive bar filled with townies, older guys and of course young college girls. I knew they talked and last semester they talked for a while at this bar when I was there, and I said I was annoyed by it and she told me "mike don’t worry about him, you’re my everything". I had 110% trust in her, and I was hurt but what I would find out would hurt even more. We took time apart, and right before that I told her I felt strung along, and she bluntly suggested we "break up" so I wouldn’t feel that way. This nice girl whom often preferred to stay in and go out a 1-2 times a week (if that), was now going out 4x a week, getting wasted, and treating me like I had done something wrong. 2 months later after thanksgiving I find out she had sex with this drug dealer 2x in a week, and a week after he got a girlfriend. He basically sweet-talked her into ending it with me so he could have her, and then played her (at least that’s what I play it out to be in my head). She also made out with 2 guys and hooked up with another. In addition she had recently started posting pictures of her partying, and even doing Mali (ecstasy) on a regular basis. Since then I know she’s hooked up with a 25-year old big bouncer (on my bday) at this same bar, and there was even people telling me she was dating him, which she denied the other day and laughed it off repeatedly saying no, but that they do hang out a lot. And when I hung out with her at the bar the other day, and he was there, she said "don't worry about him trust me”, but I know from her friend that they did hook up, so she’s hiding that from me. But at the same time she’s told me before (around xmas) that she doesn't feel like she owes it to me to tell me everything she’s doing. All my friends are upset/pissed with her, even the friends we shared, but they wont say anything to her because they have to play booth sides and even her suitemates sympathize with me, but still go out with her. But here’s the kicker... Through this whole thing she’s still said she loves me, and that this was a phase, and as of recent that she still sees herself with me, but wants to make "certain" that im the one for her. She’s also mentioned if I ever have doubts about her love for me to text her. This started in early September and now its nearing February. All this time of confusion, hurt and anxiousness, has put me through a great deal of stress and uncomfortable change. But to my displeasure I still feel like I have feelings for her and ive told a lot of people she would probably be the woman id marry and I was pretty sure of it. She’s mentioned that she knows what she has to do in order to come back to me and that involves repairing relationships with my friends and family. But then again she’s told me not to wait for her (around xmas). They’re all mixed messages. When I see her now she still hugs me and holds my hand and says she loves me "more than ill ever know" The past half year ive debated on what to do. Ignore her? Tried that for a bit (3 weeks is the longest w/out contact). Talk with her like its normal or talk about us? That only pushed her away in the beginning and to her it felt like nagging. Do both and be casual? Still causes me headaches and confusion because of mixed signals. I have hooked up with a few girls but it’s all meaningless really. I don’t trust her now but I still feel protective of her and am upset with the person she’s become. But I still see some of the person I loved and dated still inside of her, and for that reason, and the mixed messages of hope and love, I’m still waiting. Well.... so much for short and sweet, but it felt good to get it out. I’m not sure what I want to ask here and I know there is no 1 answer for how to fix my problem, but im curious to see what people think of the situation, and what I should try to do. I scare myself in thinking that when im with her I feel like it could work but I just don’t want to be hurt again. What’s the best thing I can do? How can I make her realize any of my hurt? I want her to respect me and not treat me as an option.
KatZee Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Honestly, she's 19. She spent all her teen years in a relationship with you and now that she's in college it's a whole new ballgame. Being around her single housemates, I think she just feels tied down with the relationship. At her age she NEEDS to do these things. She needs to go out and party, and make bad choices and even do Molly(sp) if she wants to. Better now, than when she's 50 and married with kids with some mid-life crisis. She's finding herself. She's exploring. She's experimenting. She's living up the college lifestyle. Although you don't agree with it, or like it... I think it's something she needs to do for herself to grow as a person. She'll make mistakes. She'll be hurt, and played, and used and treated like crap. I think one day she really will look back and say, "Damn, I had a great boyfriend when I was 19." The most you can do at this point is let her go. I'm not sure how you know all of these things, whether it's from mutual friends, or Facebook.. but you need to stop inquiring or looking. Constantly being aware of what she's doing, who she's making out with at the bar, etc etc... is only going to continue to hurt you. Try to disconnect yourself from her on that level. Let her live her life... let her make those choices. It sucks but you both are still so young. You have a lot more to experience before you're married and being a real adult. If you want her to respect you and not see you as an option... just back out. You've split, now bow out gracefully. Do not call or text or email at any point in time. Complete silence. Let her see what life is truly like with you gone.
grace777 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Wow - she sounds like a real piece of work. Here's the thing...what you HAD in the past was nice, and loving and good. But what it's become is something else entirely. She's behaving in a very uncool manner toward you, and extremely selfish. I say this because she wants to go out and do whatever/whoever she wants, but keep you on the back-burner in case it gets old. You are both young, her in particular -- so it may not get old for another 5-10 years. She's turning into a party girl and going wild right now. You have no idea when this will end or if it will end. She may be changing, maybe for good. My advice - run for the hills. Break it off completely. I know it's not what you want to hear, but I don't think she'll be reverting back to the girl you fell in love with anytime soon. It will hurt, but you'll heal and find a much better match for yourself. She's really mistreating you. You need to stand up for yourself and set clear expectations for the way people treat you. You deserve much better than this. So as hard as it is, I say bail.
Author heyitsmike Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 ive been back and forth with her for half a year, tried numerous talks but i think what i need to do is this: before valentines day next week.... contact her on wednesday and ask her to meet briefly at school. then when i meet her be like this wont take long but i gotta tell you something i sat down and really thought about us. i thought about the good times and the bad and i realized that i really dont know where we stand or where we'll ever stand this is a experimenting phase in your life and your doing new things and being selfish, i understand. but stretching this out over half a year and still being able to say you love me and you see us together is completely unfair and i dont deserve that kind of hurt. its a cop out for you, but more agony for me. so basically heres the deal ive given you half a year to do this. and the only reason were both still talking is because of these things you say to me like "i love you, i care about you i respect you, i see myself with you in the end" so what i want you to do is for once just sit down and think about it and seriously decide what you want. do you want to keep this new lifestyle or were you telling me the truth. 1 week from now im gunna meet you right back here/ (or wherever) and if you dont show up ill have my answer but if you do show up you better have something better to say than i dont know because ive been more than patient with you and for someone to do what youve been doing to me after what we've had....nobody deserves that. so 1 week, right here, so i know when valentines day comes around that im moving on with my heart with or without you ----------------- thoughts, ideas? it was either this or ignore her for like 2 months and see how that works, but honestly she has so many distractions right now with everything i dont know. she has gotten angry before though when ive ignored her.
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