pbjbear Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 I actually dont think its a really stupid thing to post the same story...one from the position of a girl, one from the position of a guy. I always bring up double standards because they exist. I find guys tend to justify contact with their exes and women are supposed to deal with it, the second a woman does it shes awful (from a lot of men's point of view...) The double standards of cheating in the same exact situation from a different gender I find in the cheating section here are so disheartening as a female 1
pbjbear Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 That's because you look only for the posts that will heighten your misandry. Really, why do I give men the same advice I give females in the cheating section, and for dishonesty/being treated bad in general? When I see a post of a guy being run over by a bad girl, I give him the same advice I would to a girl... I dont like to be miserable but I do observe alot and there are alot of double standards working against women (and guess what? there are ones for against men too...Ive commented on those as well)
Imajerk17 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 (edited) OK OP, this is my overall take: 1. One thread was your boyfriend's, the other was yours. You didn't mention until you were called out though. An somewhat underhanded move not to be more upfront about it in my opinion, but whateva. 2. You left out key details until later on in the thread. Hmmmm. Why did you do that? Again it doesn't say everything but it says something. 3. If you ran into your ex the first time and just caught up with him in your group as you did any other old platonic friend, then actually, your boyfriend sounds "too" jealous for making such a big deal about it. If however you got too palsy-walsy with your ex (there was a picture of the two of you on FB dancing according to your bf) then you're giving him reason to be suspicious. 4. Even if he was the one who was being "too" jealous (which I'm by no means positive about--see 3. above), YOU were the one who agreed to terms you felt were unfair and had no intention of keeping (such as I'm guessing letting your boyfriend know when you are likely to be in the same room as your ex and being subjected to his grilling). And what's worse, you didn't keep those terms! Maybe it's because you seemed to think they were unfair but that doesn't make your lying right. Passive-aggressive on your part. And so now your boyfriend was pissed at you. 5. Not sure I believe the reasons you give why you want to keep your ex on FB. If you said you're keeping him because he was an important person to you and you want to keep some (minimal) connection, or because you don't like anyone telling you whom you can be friends with, that''s actually quite understandable. But I'm not really following nor buying your convoluted reasoning that some old friends would object. Are you that swayed by the opinions of others? So overall, MAYBE your boyfriend is too possessive, but you DEFINITELY come across as passive-aggressive and weak. And I'm still wondering what happened between you and your ex those times... Edited January 29, 2013 by Imajerk17 2
phineas Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Is the op listed as being in a relationship with their BF on facebook? Also, I believe she met up with a guy she once slept with first & that pissed her BF off. Then she met up with her ex-BF a yr later. Sorry but if a woman I was dating met up with a guy she just slept with i'd dump her. Why? because well if she just slept with him how do I even know that? Oh, because she told me after the fact. Why would she tell me that? Because she wanted to turn up the drama meter a little is the only logical answer I can come up with. Does your ex know you have a BF? do your friends? because it doesn't sound like you have integrated your BF into your social circle at all because he never seems to be around when you hang out with your friends. Or is it only when guys you've had sex with are going to be there that your BF isn't allowed to come? Every time i've heard a woman call her boyfriend "controlling" the real truth was she was just disrespectful & he was just a dumb-ass for putting up with it. By the way, those women eventually do learn how to not be disrespectful. But by then they are in their 40's with a few kids & don't have much to choose from when it comes to men.
darkmoon Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 (edited) if it ended - would you keep this latest ex on facebook too? Edited January 30, 2013 by darkmoon 1
serial muse Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 OK OP, this is my overall take: 1. One thread was your boyfriend's, the other was yours. You didn't mention until you were called out though. An somewhat underhanded move not to be more upfront about it in my opinion, but whateva. 2. You left out key details until later on in the thread. Hmmmm. Why did you do that? Again it doesn't say everything but it says something. 3. If you ran into your ex the first time and just caught up with him in your group as you did any other old platonic friend, then actually, your boyfriend sounds "too" jealous for making such a big deal about it. If however you got too palsy-walsy with your ex (there was a picture of the two of you on FB dancing according to your bf) then you're giving him reason to be suspicious. 4. Even if he was the one who was being "too" jealous (which I'm by no means positive about--see 3. above), YOU were the one who agreed to terms you felt were unfair and had no intention of keeping (such as I'm guessing letting your boyfriend know when you are likely to be in the same room as your ex and being subjected to his grilling). And what's worse, you didn't keep those terms! Maybe it's because you seemed to think they were unfair but that doesn't make your lying right. Passive-aggressive on your part. And so now your boyfriend was pissed at you. 5. Not sure I believe the reasons you give why you want to keep your ex on FB. If you said you're keeping him because he was an important person to you and you want to keep some (minimal) connection, or because you don't like anyone telling you whom you can be friends with, that''s actually quite understandable. But I'm not really following nor buying your convoluted reasoning that some old friends would object. Are you that swayed by the opinions of others? So overall, MAYBE your boyfriend is too possessive, but you DEFINITELY come across as passive-aggressive and weak. And I'm still wondering what happened between you and your ex those times... Here's part of the reason why I think the OP is actually the boyfriend, not the girlfriend. And in other threads - unrelated to this particular problem - he presents as a guy, and he also uses "monkeybranching" half a dozen times or so, which is a dead giveaway - this is a term used often by men who frequent certain forums to describe women, but rarely in the reverse. OP, these identity games don't tend to sit well with forum members, because we sincerely want to help. Why not just come clean and let's take it from there? I'd really like to know whether you learned what you wanted to know from this exercise? What's next for you? 2
Emilia Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Here's part of the reason why I think the OP is actually the boyfriend, not the girlfriend. And in other threads - unrelated to this particular problem - he presents as a guy, and he also uses "monkeybranching" half a dozen times or so, which is a dead giveaway - this is a term used often by men who frequent certain forums to describe women, but rarely in the reverse. clever girl
Art_Critic Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 What do you guys think? That you should remove your ex from FB.... If you don't and refuse to then that should tell your BF about where your relationship with him fits in. No reason to have an ex on FB, and doubly so if your SO has an issue with it... sorry 1
KungFuJoe Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I have three exes on my facebook. My wife knows and could care less if they stay on or I delete them. That's why she's my wife. 1
Emilia Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I have three exes on my facebook. My wife knows and could care less if they stay on or I delete them. That's why she's my wife. Agree. I have exes on my facebook and/or talk to them. I like relaxed guys who can handle that. I agree with serial muse though that this is a strange thread.
pbjbear Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I have three exes on my facebook. My wife knows and could care less if they stay on or I delete them. That's why she's my wife. Based on your past posts, I highly doubt you engage with inappropriate behavior with them. Id be fine with a guy like that. Most guys who keep in contact with their exes (in my experience thus far) dont understand inappropriate and appropriate behavior and boundaries
BetheButterfly Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 My boyfriend wants me to delete my ex on facebook. We've dated each other for nearly 3 years, and the ex I dated over three years ago also for 3 years. My ex and I share mutual friends back at home who I don't get to see that much anymore. People would know and would have a go at me and I would resent my boyfriend for it. That's why I'm not doing deleting him. My ex would tell a few of his friends and word would get round. My friends don't want to choose between us. I've tried to only see my ex when I have to and when there's lots of other people there, and I haven't made such a big deal out of it. My boyfriend wants me to delete because he thinks I haven't told him when I've been in a group with the ex beforehand - I've only seen him twice the entire time we've dated. I'm not deleting him -my boyfriend can say whatever he likes, its not about secrecy, its about the situation at home. People would start asking why I did it and having a go for making stuff more awkward. My boyfriend is really upset and has trying to make me do it by threatening me with a break up. He could accept my decision and move on but its sounds like he's choosing not to. I would have deleted him on fb if it would not be even more awkward than it already is. I love my boyfriend, the ex is not the issue. What do you guys think? I don't know what to think about that. I have exes as facebook friends and my husband has no issue with them, since he knows I am faithful to him and my exes respect that. Since you love your boyfriend, I do think it would be good to take his feelings into consideration. Is he insecure? It sounds to me that he is insecure. Maybe that issue needs to be addressed. Has he been cheated on in the past and now has a hard time trusting?
BetheButterfly Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 (edited) That you should remove your ex from FB.... If you don't and refuse to then that should tell your BF about where your relationship with him fits in. No reason to have an ex on FB, and doubly so if your SO has an issue with it... sorry I don't know if I agree with this. OP, I do think that if you truly love your boyfriend, you would care about his feelings, yes and compromise somehow. My husband has friends who are women on his facebook. I am not jealous of them and i don't ask him to delete them, but it's possible if one wrote something on his wall that made me suspicious, I would ask him about it. I don't think I would want him to delete her from his facebook or life though, because I do trust he is faithful to me. However, if I have evidence that he is not being faithful to me, then I personally would take the issue to counseling with him and see if we truly want to be committed with/to each other or not. (We have already decided that if we want to be with someone else, we will not cheat but rather divorce.) It's not my business to control his life. It is however our responsibility to truly love each other and honor our promises. I don't think either of you however has promised to delete someone just cause of the insecurity/suspicious of the other... I think there's a deeper issue here that needs to be addressed. Trust is really important for a relationship to thrive. It's not good to try to control each others' life, but it is good to truly love each other and take each other's feelings into consideration, as well as address the issue of trust. Edited January 30, 2013 by BetheButterfly
LexiB Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 I shouldn't have to defend myself as a liar when I'm not and deleting it will just be acting as though I am. And it will damage my relationship with my friends, and I don't want to make them choose. I don't want to break up, but if that's what he has to do. What does this even mean? How would deleting this guy "damage" your friendships? Or put your friends in such a caustic situation that they'd be forced to 'choose sides'? It is Facebook we're talking about here, right -- like, the internet? I'm leaning towards thinking you are the guy reciting what your gf has said to you, or what you think she might say, because you haven't explained this very well at all. Not in any way that shows you believe this explanation, or believe that it makes sense. (It doesn't.) That, or you're 16.
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