Pinky777 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 I amost contacted him today. I had my phone in my hand ready to send a text. It was typed out, but then I deleted it and came here. So glad I did. It's been a week of NC - my last contact with him was an email I sent to him a week ago, to which he did not respond. It was a letter of apology, and while I really I don't know how someone would respond to it, I'm just disappointed he didn't respond at all. I guess I don't blame him, because our last contact before that was me drunkenly texting him several times when he didn't return my wishes for a Happy New Year. I was out of my mind drunk and don't even remember much of the night, but he texted me angrily the next morning that he'd been sleeping while I was out partying. I cringe whenever I think about it and I know I deserve silence from him but it's so hard. After the BU, and before that night, we were actually getting along as friends though clearly I wasn't ready. I really didn't want to leave things on that horrible note, so last week, I sent him this in the email: "just wanted say hi and see how you’re doing. I hope I’m not bothering you but I don’t want to leave things on bad terms. I know I acted like a big jerk on New Year’s Eve and I feel terrible about that. I had way too much Champaign and I missed you and I made a stupid mistake and I’m sorry. After that night I actually decided to take a break from alcohol, it was starting to cause problems in my life and I feel a lot better for it. You have been very good to me and I will always appreciate that. We haven’t known each other long but I always thought you and I had a really great connection from day one. We had a lot of fun together and had so much in common. You're a wonderful person and I'm glad I got to know you no matter what happens. In the end, we were clearly in different places in the relationship but I really wanted to keep you in my life as a friend and I was glad when you did too. I do still care about you and couldn’t imagine not talking to you anymore. But it was too soon, we really needed space from each other to move on from the relationship and do our own thing before we can truly be friends again. I really hope you’re doing well and wish you all the best. Maybe down the road we will reconnect. Don’t forget the good times. I hope to hear from you soon and that we can be in touch one day. " I guess it doesn't matter because it won't change anything but I'm just wondering if that sounds too pathetic or how someone would take it. I knew there was a chance that he wouldn't respond so I wanted my last contact to him to be somewhat positive...now.... NC NC NC. But it's killing me that I don't know where we stand or how he feels. I don't know if he's still mad, or doesn't care at all about me anymore, or if he's trying to respecting my wish for space. Being just friends with him was painful, but not knowing anything about his life and what he is thinking is so hard. When we broke up he said he'd always be my friend. When I was afraid that he'd never speak to me again after our BU, he said "I would never do that to you". But now, that's exactly what he's doing to me. It's so freaking hard. I guess I did it to myself. Sending that last email put me back to square one in the healing department, but I do hope he reads it and doesn't hate me as much. Just venting. NC is the hardest freaking thing in the world.
na49 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 That's why you shouldn't send those "closure" emails. You feel like you didn't say everything you wanted to and even though you tell yourself you don't care if he responds or not. You REALLY want him to respond. Anyway, no one said NC would be easy. Also as for him hating you. Unless he's one to hold grudges, he'll let it go eventually. He may not "like" you, but he won't "hate" you forever. Trust me. 1
Author Pinky777 Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 I know I can never fully get closure, and I do really want him to respond, but I understand why he doesn't. I also knew that sending the email would put me back at square one and that I'd have more questions than answers but I really, really just didn't want to leave things with his angry text as the last time we communicated. I was the one who screwed things up I guess it was my way of trying to make it better. Maybe it softened him up a bit, I don't know. Sometimes by trying to fix things you just make it worse. He knows I'm not a horrible person. You're right, no one said NC would be easy it's not meant to be. I just wish my life weren't consumed by it. My "real life" friends don't want to hear about it anymore they think I should be over it by now, and I do a lot of pretending. I've never been an NC person in my life. Friends I've had fights with, other exes, they always find their way back into my life eventually. I'm just the type of person who can never write anyone off unless they really really deliberatelly hurt me and even then to me an apology goes a long way. Maybe I'm a sap. I hate it. If he contacted me, I'd have to nail my hands down to stop from responding. So in a way it's good that he doesn't. 1
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