mavendark Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 (edited) Hello all, Recently my boyfriend's grandmother passed away. He's very shocked by this because she's been a large influence in his life. I've never really dealt with someone close to any of my SO's passing, neither have I dealt with funerals (never been to one because all of my relatives are in another country). I have never met the grandmother who passed, and I've only met a very limited small portion of the family. I've never met his parents because he was pretty much disowned by them due to religious issues. However, he asked me if I wanted to go to his grandmother's funeral (specific words: "I have to go to the funeral on Saturday, would you like to come? I can understand if you'd prefer not to". I told him that it is up to him, as I don't want to be intruding on something private/family related. Again, he put that back on me and told me that it's up to me whether I want to go or not. I am very unfamiliar with dealing with deaths or funerals (especially in the U.S.), and I am not sure what is the usual etiquette for this. Is it weird that he's making it my choice? Because it's his family... Honestly I don't feel very comfortable going, I've never met the grandmother and I haven't met about 80% of his family. But I will go to the funeral if he wants me to and if he wants me to "meet" his grandmother (he has told me that he wanted me to meet her, but we never got a chance to). Judging from the way he asked me, he seemed to want me to go. But again, we are only girlfriend/boyfriend, not engaged or anything and I do not want to be rude to his family by showing up at something so sensitive. Edited January 29, 2013 by mavendark
Keenly Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Go and be his shoulder to cry on. The world needs one less problem caused by the "only if YOU want to" back and forth crap. 1
in_absentia Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 With an ex of mine, he would do the whole 'I will if you want me to' thing when it came to visiting my mum when she was really sick and it always made me feel like he didn't care enough to want to be there for me and that I was having to ask him to come with me, when he should have wanted to be there for me because it was so difficult. Not saying that's your intention at all, but maybe that's how it feels to your boyfriend? Go. Funerals (in the UK at least) can be attended by basically anybody (family, close friends, acquaintances wanting to pay respects, old colleagues from years ago etc) and he wouldn't have brought up you going unless he was happy for you to be there, he'd have just said he was going and not mentioned your attendance. I think he wants you there. 1
MidwestUSA Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 The correct answer is: "I want to support you in the best way I can, because I love you". If that means going, go. I once had a friend who asked me to stay behind and "housesit", because burglars tend to watch for funeral announcements and hit homes while everyone is out. That was the most helpful option, so I did it. Win-win (well, maybe not for the three burglars I shot in the kitchen!) 2
MidwestUSA Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 The whole "do you want me to go", "I'll go if you want me" is so passive/ aggressive. Be the one to break that behavior NOW, or it will become a much larger problem down the road. "But I didn't think you wanted me to", "I would have if you had just come out and said so". See where this is going? 2
Lil1 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Definitely go, be there to support him, bring some nice flowers and dress appropriately. Hold him in your arms all night long when you get back home. 1
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