promises Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Tonight. It just get's more strange. He mentioned that he has been diagnosed in therapy/treatment as being a 'self-sabotaging addict'. (Whatever that means, anyone??) What kind of addict he did not say, but I can only assume it begins with an 's'. He mentioned that he is trying to 'get better' and in the same breath commented that he is rather sick of how things are 'going'. My lawyer friend said if I get three of these letters I should send one back with a formal, 'do not solicit contact' statement along with the lawyers name. This is the fear part I've spoke of in the past. Both he and the BS function in this world of heightened drama. I do not doubt that I will be his last affair, nor do I believe that he is done contacting me. The good news is I am slowly getting over the feelings I had of love as I am seeing more and more clearly that love is not this and this is showing itself to be very unhealthy. I'm glad I'm not his wife. When he said jump, I was so enthralled with him, I'd say how high. I feel like she's in so deep she can't get her footing anymore. At any rate, we're now on letter #2. 1
ThatJustHappened Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Addicts by nature are self-sabotaging..sounds more like self-diagnonsense to me. Congratulations on moving on in a healthy way!! You sound like you're doing really well..you should be proud. 1
stevie_23 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 I think it's great you've got to a stage where you don't want to be back with him anymore and aren't "jumping" when he contacts you. How come you're actually reading his letters though? Why not just throw them away as soon as you know they're from him? Are you still..."interested" in hearing from him after all? (not that I blame you for being. If I heard from my ex I'd devour that letter with my eyes in seconds, even though I don't think we could ever be together again and have us both be happy.) A self sabotaging addict, eh? Interesting. Meaning he's an addict who self sabotages himself, or he is actually addicted to self sabotaging? lol That's a little confusing.
Author promises Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 I think it's great you've got to a stage where you don't want to be back with him anymore and aren't "jumping" when he contacts you. How come you're actually reading his letters though? Why not just throw them away as soon as you know they're from him? Are you still..."interested" in hearing from him after all? (not that I blame you for being. If I heard from my ex I'd devour that letter with my eyes in seconds, even though I don't think we could ever be together again and have us both be happy.) A self sabotaging addict, eh? Interesting. Meaning he's an addict who self sabotages himself, or he is actually addicted to self sabotaging? lol That's a little confusing. I don't know what a self sabotaging addict is?? Does anyone? I think he was trying to say that he's an addict and using it as an excuse for his behavior and that really it's only about him. Also, I believe this gives his wife the reasoning she needs to justify staying with him. Although staying with a sex addict is... I don't even know what to say. I guess I read the letters because of course I read them. I feel better now that I told a lawyer about it and he's got my back.
stevie_23 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 I guess I was wondering if you were at the stage of total indifference yet…like when you receive a letter in the mail from some finance company addressed to someone who used to live at your house 10 years ago and you either just return it to sender or throw it out and don’t even open it. Cause it just holds NO interest for you whatsoever. That kind of thing. Lol I’m glad you have that lawyer friend. Do you think his propensity for drama might spill over into continually contacting you, or wouldn’t he just give up eventually like a normal person who is NOT a self sabotaging addict? lol
Author promises Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 I guess I was wondering if you were at the stage of total indifference yet…like when you receive a letter in the mail from some finance company addressed to someone who used to live at your house 10 years ago and you either just return it to sender or throw it out and don’t even open it. Cause it just holds NO interest for you whatsoever. That kind of thing. Lol I’m glad you have that lawyer friend. Do you think his propensity for drama might spill over into continually contacting you, or wouldn’t he just give up eventually like a normal person who is NOT a self sabotaging addict? lol I think what is changing is me. If I continued to feed back to him what he is wanting then things would stay status quo. I think that what he wants is an 'A' with me again. Ultimately he is a cake eater. He wants his family life and me when he wants me. He's gotten his W back under certain terms, i.e., therapy and convincing everyone that he is 'sick' and has an 'addiction' which is what is causing him to act the way he does........ I am getting stronger now. Distance is helping me. And, yes, to answer your question of course I am still a small bit invested and read the letter. I thought I loved him at one point. I thought a lot of things. What does he have to give me?? That's the ultimate question. What does he have to give me.
RickFox Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 yeah, I'd say if you see the letters and know they are from him, just toss them in the trash. I understand, reaching complete indifference takes quite a while..... but toss those things...
stevie_23 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 What does he have to give me?? That's the ultimate question. What does he have to give me. What does he have to give you? A few things I guess. HIS idea of "love" which is most likely painfully lacking in terms of what actual LOVE should be. A total lack of commitment and devotion because his priority is his wife and that domestic stability. Drama. Stress. Pain. SOUNDS GREAT, HUH!? lol
Author promises Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 A total lack of commitment and devotion because his priority is his wife and that domestic stability. But, he's also not giving her commitment and devotion. He's still trolling. His priority is himself. 1
stevie_23 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Yes, exactly. I didn't mean his priority is his wife's wellbeing, I meant his priority is his wife only insofar as she gives him that stability in his life.
Author promises Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 So send his letters to his wife. She has a right to know he's still betraying her. And he deserves to be dumped in it. I still don't see why you have such animosity to her. She did nothing to you to deserve what happened. My lawyer friend advised me to send the letters if I receive one more. (Three.)
Author promises Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 Why 3? Interesting. I assume that's because legally its harassment or whatever. Nothing to do with whether she had a right to know he continued to betray her. Silly me for momentarily thinking a lawyer would consider morality. Still don't know why you haven't expressed any sorrow at hurting her. It shows a pattern of intent, I believe. She's married to a self proclaimed sex addict. Waiting for the next letter in a week or so isn't going to change what she already knows and has also expressed to me.
2sunny Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 I don't know what a self sabotaging addict is?? Does anyone? I think he was trying to say that he's an addict and using it as an excuse for his behavior and that really it's only about him. Also, I believe this gives his wife the reasoning she needs to justify staying with him. Although staying with a sex addict is... I don't even know what to say. I guess I read the letters because of course I read them. I feel better now that I told a lawyer about it and he's got my back. Does it matter what label he's putting on himself? NO. He's selfish, self centered and now disrespects YOUR boundary every time he sends a stupid letter! Why not put - return to sender? Or write in his home address and mail it to his wife? He deserves consequences for not respecting your boundary. Send it back to his wife.
Author promises Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 Does it matter what label he's putting on himself? NO. He's selfish, self centered and now disrespects YOUR boundary every time he sends a stupid letter! Why not put - return to sender? Or write in his home address and mail it to his wife? He deserves consequences for not respecting your boundary. Send it back to his wife. It's tactical to protect myself as per my lawyer and IC. The next one my lawyer sends back.
2sunny Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 It's tactical to protect myself as per my lawyer and IC. The next one my lawyer sends back. Next one? There's no reason to wait for another one! Unless you need another ego feed. Have your lawyer send this one back. It sends a clear message to quit toying with your emotions.
Author promises Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 It's not an ego boost. It's a pattern.
2sunny Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 It's not an ego boost. It's a pattern. A pattern that you are ALLOWING. You can make it stop. You just don't want to... It does feed your ego... 2
Catplates Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Ugh! Promises. He and she sound like a mess together. Why are you still reading his crap??? Put it in the bin and step right out of this mess. Forget the lawyer unless xMM is threatening to harm you.. It will only cause more contact and more mess . Call it quits and walk right into the sunset. Leave them to their dysfunctional relationship. How long do you want to stay involved in all his self centred drama... a week, a month, a year or two? If you don't extricate yourself it will drag on and on. Good Luck, Cat.
Author promises Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 I don't see why topics it his family or details about his wife are relevant. You're either wracked with feeling bad for hurting someone or you're not. Why the big deal about sociopathy? It's very common. What would you prefer calling someone with no conscience when they hurt someone else? If I hit you and laughed and felt no guilt and only regretted I got caught and punished- what would you call that? Whatever that is that's what I'm talking about. I appreciate your diagnosis.
ThatJustHappened Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 I don't see why topics it his family or details about his wife are relevant. You're either wracked with feeling bad for hurting someone or you're not. Why the big deal about sociopathy? It's very common. What would you prefer calling someone with no conscience when they hurt someone else? If I hit you and laughed and felt no guilt and only regretted I got caught and punished- what would you call that? Whatever that is that's what I'm talking about. She said she feels bad. She doesn't need to say it a thousand times to make it true. She seems to understand that what she did was very very wrong, and she's doing the right thing now. That's all anyone can ask of her. Can you honestly say you've never hurt anyone? Do you torture yourself for every mistake you make? Because that's not healthy behavior.
veryhappy Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 (edited) I understand why you are reading the letters. I wouldn't even question it. I'd read something exMM sent me too. What you will notice though, as others have said is the "me me me" substance of the communication. I have actually scanned the letters and went "him him him him me" on paragraphs. It really gives you a very clear idea about how life works for him. All you need to do is stop engaging as you've been doing, because then you're feeding the "me". Do what your lawyer friend said and follow that route. You are not his emotional refuge where he can dump his problems whenever he feels like it and he will stop if you continue to be strong. Edited January 29, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Author promises Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 The advice from the lawyer is legal grounds. Patterns of behavior are key. Even receiving a threat doesn't count as a pattern until there is more that can documented to one source. If there's another letter, I honestly hope it arrives today. That way you have your pattern, it can be escalated through legal channels and hopefully you don't ever have to deal with it again. I'm sorry he's doing this. How are you holding up?[/quote I'm doing pretty well, thanks. Not completely me again, but closer than in a long while . People in my life have noticed, which is great.
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