should i call to ask if it's true

[fabi20]

hi guys, i posted a few threads in the last few days on here about my situation...long story short...my bf of 2 yrs broke things off almost three months ago...we did have many problems in the relationship and it was sad, something we both didn't want but he had "fallen out of love" and couldn't be bothered with the constant arguing anymore....for the first three weeks i would text him a couple of times a week and he was polite and did return my texts...but after a month, and maybe after he saw i was still too emotional, he started to ignore me

 

i couldn't figure out why. about two weeks ago one of our mutual friends told me he has a gf. the mutual friend is more of my friend than his though, and the way he found out was thru a close friend of my ex (we are all friends and in the same circle) he asked me to not say anything bc he didn't want to get the other guy in trouble for telling him, and eventually leading to me finding out

 

the problem i have is that he didn't tell me until i started crying to him, telling him it would actually make it easier for me if he did have a gf bc that way i could move on quicker...after him telling me he doesn't have a gf and probably won't be able to find one, he finally told me my ex does indeed have somone in his life and he heard he calls her his gf now...

 

now, i don't understand why my ex couldn't be honest with me and all tose times i asked to meet up with him instead of ignoring me, why not tell me he is seeing someone new? why am i not supposed to know?

 

the guy who originally told my other guy friend did not tell me either when him and i went out to talk about how i was feeling...why not just tell me if it's true

 

i just want to hear it from my ex and know if this person exists or if he's serious about her...i just feel like part of me is in denial but part of me thinks it doesn't make sense

 

i just want to know if there is an actual new gf or not and why he couldn't tell me

[geegirl]

Let's assume he has a gf.

 

He had his own reasons for not wanting to tell you. Maybe he didn't want to hurt you. Maybe he felt guilty. Maybe it wasn't your business. Maybe ignoring you was the kind thing to do. Maybe he couldn't deal with your emotions.

 

He was ignoring you because you were emotional then. How do you think he will react now, and with the questions while he's focusing and enjoying his new relationship, if he has one. He has no capacity to want to deal with the emotional drama that you are still clinging to. Even if he answered you, will it change anything? No. He's still with someone else, and you'll still have to go back to the pain you are feeling.

 

Let's assume he does not have a gf. The outcome is still the same.

 

Please stop this and start focusing on your healing. The break-up happened 3 months ago. He is not accountable for your feelings nor does he need to tell you what's going on in his personal life.

[TaraMaiden]

because it's none of your business.

He's your ex.

 

Frankly, unfortunately, what he does now he's broken up with you, isn't your concern, or your right to know.

 

And tell your 'mutual friend' to butt the hell out.

You don't need info on him - you need to move on.

[fabi20]

i understand. it's only bc if he does have a gf, i knew they were talking when we were still together, and even if that's not any of my business now, it would make things more clear.

 

not that it "matters" but my ex and I dated before...twice, even if it doesn't count for much of an experience, we dated in junior high, and when we were 18 before he went to the army...only for a couple of months...

 

he's been a part of y life for a very long time, and the thought of getting back together is still going to cross my mind from time to time due to our history..it would be nice to know if he for sure is dating someone or not so i can try to keep in contact or just move on

[geegirl]

i understand. it's only bc if he does have a gf, i knew they were talking when we were still together, and even if that's not any of my business now, it would make things more clear.

 

not that it "matters" but my ex and I dated before...twice, even if it doesn't count for much of an experience, we dated in junior high, and when we were 18 before he went to the army...only for a couple of months...

 

he's been a part of y life for a very long time, and the thought of getting back together is still going to cross my mind from time to time due to our history..it would be nice to know if he for sure is dating someone or not so i can try to keep in contact or just move on

 

The only CLEAR thing is that the relationship has ended. Whether if he was with her during the R or after the R, you won't get answers. He will either deny or he will get very annoyed at your inability to let it go and your intrusion. He has no capacity to keep dealing with your emotional struggles. He's in a different level, emotionally. He's detached.

 

I understand you had history with him, but people have been married for decades only to divorce. History doesn't guarantee happily every after.

 

Whether he is with someone or not, he does not want the relationship. He was ignoring you when you were contacting/getting emotional. It's because he's checked out and does not want to deal with it.

 

Please move on. If he wants the relationship, let him make that decision and reach out to you versus you probing and intruding into his personal life. Trust me, it's a turn off to a dumper.

[TaraMaiden]

i understand. it's only bc if he does have a gf, i knew they were talking when we were still together, and even if that's not any of my business now, it would make things more clear.

 

No, it wouldn't. It's not closure, it's just a way of opening up communication with him again - and it will just cause you immeasurable pain....

 

not that it "matters" but my ex and I dated before...twice, even if it doesn't count for much of an experience, we dated in junior high, and when we were 18 before he went to the army...only for a couple of months...

A propos of nothing.....

Honestly - this is completely irrelevant, isn't it? It has nothing to do with anything....

 

 

he's been a part of y life for a very long time, and the thought of getting back together is still going to cross my mind from time to time due to our history..

It should only ever cross your mind if you open your door one day and he's on your doorstep, saying "Hi, I think we should try again, and this time, let's really make it work, together"

Any other time - and you shouldn't even entertain thinking about it, at all. Let it cross your mind - and keep on going.

 

 

it would be nice to know if he for sure is dating someone or not so i can try to keep in contact or just move on

 

IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!

 

You should be moving on, regardless!

You should not be in Contact!

 

You should drop off his radar, and make like he's dead to you!!

You need to stop obsessing, and move on anyway - without any confirmation, discussion, contact, knowing for sure or anything else to do with him!!

 

It's FINISHED!!

O-V-E-R!!

 

Ended!!

Move on, and let go!!!

[Pinky777]

Believe that he does have a gf, and use that knowledge to move on. He has his reasons for not telling you, and as an ex-gf, who he is dating is none of your business, same as if you were dating someone it would be none of his. You guys aren't buddies, you're his ex, you're not over him and he knows that. Telling you about his love life would be extremely awkward and uncomfortable for him, hurtful to you, which he does not want, and most of all, it would not change anything.

 

Ask yourself this - why would it take hearing about him having a gf for you to move on? Because you're still in love with him, and you being around him when he has a gf would be painful to you right? But how is hanging on in hopes he'll change his mind any better? He's not with you, he broke up and hanging around waiting for him to change his mind, you'll never be able to heal. Drop out of his life. He'll probably miss you. I know it's the most painful thing to not speak to someone you care about, but you know what you need to to do and that's take care of yourself.

 

It sucks to hear that have to "move on", it's hard to hear that advice since breaking off ties with somone you care about is the hardeset thing in the world to do. Maybe you will reconnect and even get back together in the future, but not if he sees you as the emotional mess you are now. Calling him to ask him about his gf will start a fight - you know it won't be a pleasant conversation, if he does answer you at all- and will remind him of why he broke up with you in the first place. You don't want that. Show him you're strong, even if you feel like you're dying inside.

[Simon Phoenix]

i understand. it's only bc if he does have a gf, i knew they were talking when we were still together, and even if that's not any of my business now, it would make things more clear.

 

not that it "matters" but my ex and I dated before...twice, even if it doesn't count for much of an experience, we dated in junior high, and when we were 18 before he went to the army...only for a couple of months...

 

he's been a part of y life for a very long time, and the thought of getting back together is still going to cross my mind from time to time due to our history..it would be nice to know if he for sure is dating someone or not so i can try to keep in contact or just move on

 

You should try to move on either way. It's obvious if you've broken up twice that something isn't working. To be able to find something that works, be it with him or with someone else, you have to move on from this. Therefore you should not contact him and ask. And like the other posters have said, it's really none of your business.

[fabi20]

thank you...i know, it's just so hard to believe i guess and i should just know we are done and that's all i need to know...

as for our history...we did "date" before, but that was in 2004! when we were both 18, and for only 3 weeks..i wouldn't consider it a real relationship..this ime around we were both 25,26...now 27,28...although our relationship did have many "small break ups" that lasted a day..still very bad

[FailedFirstLove]

oh no dont ask. it would just be awkward... what answer do you expect anyways? If its a yes then what do you say? congratulations, you dumped me and now moved on while im still stuck....

 

its hard to not know what they are doing and i cant even do it! but i just try to know the bare minimum!! just to keep me sane..

 

the information will only hurt you in the end. you may think it might help you move on but it wil make it 10x harder because you would be angry at him and more questions will pop up in your mind!

 

If there is news of another girl i would attempt the very best to move on now. Its to prevent yourself from hurting more. the chances decrease more and more and a new girl in the picture, theres barely anything left. =( srry

[stevie_23]

This is hard.

 

He didn't tell you he had a new gf because...why would he? He isn't with you anymore and was not talking to you, so why would he make a point of informing you of anything happening in his life, as if you were a friend of his? You're still kind of stuck back in the emotional space you were in while you were together with him, but he's moved on a while ago, so he simply wouldn't think it relevant to tell you about that sort of thing I think.

 

And it's true that talking to him is not the best idea. Unless you are fully over him (and obviously you're not even close, and that's ok because everyone has to get through it in their own time) and want to be friends and nothing more, talking to him will just result in the following things...

 

1. You will NOT get proper closure by hearing he has a new gf. All this will do is hurt you to hear it. It should not MATTER that he has a gf, and eventually it won't.

 

2. If he tells you he does NOT have a gf, you will feel weird, either because you'll suspect he's lying to you, or because you will have some kind of small shred of hope in the very back of your mind that there's a chance for you two somehow.

 

3. He will find you calling and asking him if he has a new gf AWKWARD. He has moved on. If he wanted to tell you (for whatever reason), he would have. He did not. So you contacting him will just show him you are not over him and that you are still trying to be in his life in THAT way that he does not want anymore.

[destroyed4sho]

I agree with everyone else. Don't bother finding out or calling to find out. He will think you are pathetic and a psycho. Your not, but he will think it.

 

Your going to be hurt if he tells you that he was talking to her while you were together. You don't want to hear that....do you? Maybe you haven't been hurt enough by this Magnificent Blameless Godly human being and you need to be in more pain and stress to get over him. In that case, call him and find out how great he is doing, how wonderful his girlfriend is and how awesome the rest of his life is going.

[KatZee]

Everyone's said it, so I won't repeat much. The relationship ended three months ago. You should be on your way to moving on, not clinging to a guy who has pushed you out of his life. It was obvious at THAT point, that you needed to start moving on. Politely responding to the texts you initiate are not the actions of a guy in love... and that's why when he saw how much you still felt, he decided it was best to not talk, as it's clear you can't handle a friendship.

 

I don't think you need to confirm with him if he's in a relationship. Doesn't matter if he is. He's no longer yours and just think of it like this. Why are you pining for someone who isn't pining for you? He's not at home looking for ways to get you back. He's out with his friends. He's partying. He's meeting new women and now DATING one of them. His thoughts are not on you.

 

So while you're sitting at home, wondering when you should reach out to maintain this "friendship" and while you're hoping and wishing you'll get back together, and while you're thinking about ways to keep him in your life so he will come back to you... he's out doing what he's doing.

 

You need to stop wasting your time here. He's not your friend, he's not a family member. He's someone you used to date. Time to put it in the past.

[D-Lish]

You know what Fabi? Sorry you're hurting- it's a terrible feeling to be heartbroken.

 

What people are saying is true though. Don't live your life waiting on someone else.

[fabi20]

you guys are all right...it just kills me that he's moved on..and in a way i wanted him to know that i know. because i feel he didn't tell me because he knows i would not expect that.

 

i had asked him when he broke up with me if there was someone else and he said no...to me a stand up guy would say yes if there was...it would make me feel better to know he isn't as stand up as i thought

[D-Lish]

you guys are all right...it just kills me that he's moved on..and in a way i wanted him to know that i know. because i feel he didn't tell me because he knows i would not expect that.

 

i had asked him when he broke up with me if there was someone else and he said no...to me a stand up guy would say yes if there was...it would make me feel better to know he isn't as stand up as i thought

 

I doubt that, I really do.

 

Something that struck me when reading through the answers to your posts is that no one really sympathized with how hurt you are. There are a lot of former hurt Veterans here that go straight to the punch with advice because we've all sorted out the "right" advice when it comes to how to deal with break-ups, dating, etc. Sometimes in doing so we might forget that people need their feelings validated almost as much as they need to hear truths.

 

Maybe feelings validated first- you're not alone in feeling how you feel- so feel free to talk about how you feel. Boy does it suck to love someone that doesn't act like they love us back.

 

Having said that- most of us have some insight into these kinds of situations because we've been right where you are right now. Some of the advice may seem harsh- but try to listen.

 

You'll be okay.

[fabi20]

what if i was to call him, not now, but in a few weeks and just talk to him, and get a feel for the convo, since he doesn't think i know of the new gf...

 

i just feel like we ended it with him saying we are still friends, and i ruined it post BU by so many texts..i'm curious how our conversation would be after the dust had settled

[D-Lish]

what if i was to call him, not now, but in a few weeks and just talk to him, and get a feel for the convo, since he doesn't think i know of the new gf...

 

i just feel like we ended it with him saying we are still friends, and i ruined it post BU by so many texts..i'm curious how our conversation would be after the dust had settled

 

Why would it matter? I think you need to ask yourself why you'd consider being with a guy that is slipping his penis into another vagina. You really think you should call him knowing that?

 

It's about respecting yourself, having boundaries. Why would you put yourself in a position to be an "option?"

 

Ask yourself that question.

[KatZee]

what if i was to call him, not now, but in a few weeks and just talk to him, and get a feel for the convo, since he doesn't think i know of the new gf...

 

i just feel like we ended it with him saying we are still friends, and i ruined it post BU by so many texts..i'm curious how our conversation would be after the dust had settled

 

No.

 

Believe me, any time the dumpee contacts the dumper, they know it's not to be "just friends" especially so soon after the split. He will be able to see right through you.

 

Let me tell you my story of when my first love dumped me. I was naive and thought we could be "friends" right after the split. After all he wasn't a bad guy. Although I didn't want to end the relationship, I still did not have hard feelings for him.

 

Being "friends" with him meant that I continued contacting him sporadically, just to "catch up." I called, texted, chatted via AIM.

 

One afternoon I called him, and was venting about something, and the conversation turned emotional and I clearly remember what he said. "You're only calling me because you're lonely and you miss me." What he said actually embarrassed me. He knew how hard I was pining for him, how much I wanted him back. He saw right through the "friend" facade and called me out and I remember being humiliated.

 

Don't call him. Not now, not next week. He has a girlfriend. Accept it. You need to come to grips that he's with someone new, and he's not chasing you. He's not interested in a relationship with you. There is nothing you can do, or say to change his mind or to bring him back to you. It's not as if you would have sent fewer texts that you guys would be amazing friends right now.

 

He's not the right guy for you. The right guy would be WITH you. Not with someone else. It's time to cut ties entirely now.

[fabi20]

i appreciate your thoughts and really helps me not do something STUPID.

 

i'm desperately trying to feel better, but he only thing that makes me feel betetr is talking about it and coming here, but some say that it defeats the purpose if i keep thinking about it

 

off topic from the thread. is it a good sign that he has a new gf so quickly? isn't it unhealthy to jump from one to the other? especially if it's so unlike him?

 

and, is he going to compare me to her and bc our relationship wasn't the best, any good she does will be magnified?

 

maybe i should start a different thread for this

[Own Worst Enemy]

Is one of our few blessings inn this situation. Don't take that away from yourself.

[big bear]

If you ask and this happens then??

 

Do not ask. It can go a way that will make it worse.

 

My last conversation with my ex.

 

The last call, made after I did not pick up 12 calls wishing me birthday the previous day. This is 30 NOv.

 

Me: Hi, why are you up so early.

She: Working

 

Me: (Some general stuff about working too much)

She: Belated Happy Birthday

Me: Thanks

 

She: Why did you not pick my call yesterday?

Me: You know why. You did not even reply the mail. I knew you are gong to say NO. What was the point of it. Did not want to blackmail you in saying a YES neither did I want to hear a no on my birthday.

 

Me: I know about it.

SHe: WHat?

Me: You are going out with that guy.

She: (Starts Sobbing)

Me: Just because you do not enter office together does not people cannot see you in the parking lot or in the mall. I got this from someone whom I did not ask. Someone just wanted to warn me. I am sorry I had to tell you this.

 

Me: Last weekend where were you?

SHe: At home.

Me: Why did you not go out. (It's a special day in our country, a very big festival, kind of like Christmas. 2011 she was out with the same guy as a friend. We live 6 hours apart.)

She: Did not feel like it.

 

Me: when did it start. Oh wait, I do not wanna know.

She: still sobbing, I always wish you on your birthday.

Me: I told you why I did not pick up.

 

Me: Does anyone else know. Even though its none of my business.

She: NO and pls. do not ask me more.

 

Me: Reconsider your priorities although its upto to you, I do not want reconcilliation. (Not that my business anymore, but that guy is totally wrong for her)

She: I have hurt you a lot by not taking your calls and blah blah...

 

Me: Last request, delete my mails I sent grovelling you to take me back. I would'nt like others seeing them.

She: I want to keep them. I will never show them to anyone. I promise.

Me: YOu have broken many other promises.

 

Me: Good Luck and bye

She: Sobbing. Pls. take care of yourself.

 

Me: you will get late, ask him to wait.

She: I go to work alone.(Sternly)

 

BTW I am NC since then. And do you see, how she did not confirm or deny the thing even once. Such is life!!

[Ladybugz]

because it's none of your business.

He's your ex.

 

Frankly, unfortunately, what he does now he's broken up with you, isn't your concern, or your right to know.

 

And tell your 'mutual friend' to butt the hell out.

You don't need info on him - you need to move on.

 

aahahahhahahahaha i thought that i was hardcore in here.\

hahahahahaa, but this treat is perfet.

now i feel like i cant say much , cause you said everything the way i would say it.

[Ladybugz]

I think you are underage??/

 

Why would you want to keep being involve in your ex business.

ts over so you should be moving on.

 

And stop looking for freinds to tell you stuff.

If he have a gf he shore is done with you.

So stop trying to seek his attention.

What good does it do to you to know or to be inform about him and his stuff.

 

You are standing in your own way to grow and to find another better person.

Cause if that person comes along today he will find you hanging on your ex, so he

will pas you by cause he dont want drama.

[Ladybugz]

what if i was to call him, not now, but in a few weeks and just talk to him, and get a feel for the convo, since he doesn't think i know of the new gf...

 

i just feel like we ended it with him saying we are still friends, and i ruined it post BU by so many texts..i'm curious how our conversation would be after the dust had settled

 

this is why we answered her the way we did .

even thou i understand what you mean with sympathize.

even thou only if i read some of the next replys of her i can see something to maybe sympathize with/

 

but at the other hand looking at how she act, i think the only answer is , stop

. and move on