Im so miserable and I dont know how much longer I can take it...

[lanalann]

Ive been feeling miserable for the past 4 years.

I have thought about killing myself often for this past year. I think about it several times a day. It started off as something I thought and never actually thought I do, but Ive become more serious about it. My family used to be the thing that stopped me, and one day, a year ago, I admitted I think about suicide to them. Their response only made me feel worse. Now they look at me differently and lately I feel my family would be better off without me. I am a burden and I can tell they think I am weak and crazy and are just too fearful to say it because I am emotionally fragile.

 

Now, the only thing that is stopping me is fear of pain. I am a total wuss when it comes to physical pain (Ive broken 5 bones, and had a few concussions, so I know I am bad with it). I also fear if I go through with it I wont die and will fail. I dont want to live as a disabled person or vegetable. I would also be sooooo embarassed if I tried to kill myself and failed and had to face my family and friends. I dont know much about guns and I know pills often dont work. If I tried to drive off a road or jump in front of a car it might not kill me just injury me. So Ive been thinking about poisioning myself. I dont drink alcohol because I know if I do I will prob try to kill myself or maybe blurt it out loud to people...I act rashly when I do drink and totally uninhibited.

 

Im almost 25. I graduated from college early and then got a graduate degree in speech therapy. I had financial issues my last semester in my program, which were a result of my family cutting me off for an entire year and rising tuition, and I rashly stole 2 gift cards to a grocery store to buy food after I had barely eaten for 3 weeks. I got convicted and thus suspended my last semester. They did let me finish but I say this because I think its affected my self esteem alot as I constantly feel embarassed and think very negative thoughts about myself after this.

 

I am now back to living at home. I had nowhere else to go so my family let me come back after they cut me off. I had to call several times and beg though and that was embarassing. My family relations are tense but doable- my mom has mental health issues (related to why she kicked me out and also my stepdad) My stepdad molested me when I was younger but he doesnt anymore so at least I dont have to deal with that.

 

I have few friends, used to have alot but most abandoned me, typical girls being catty sort of thing... or stopped hanging out with me gradually because they got too busy (even though I kept trying to so I didnt give up). I am trying to make new friends but its hard at my age out of school.

 

I have a crappy job at a bank (worked there throughout college and they dont know about my conviction) and a ton of school debt. I am not very good at my job, not good at math/computer stuff, and I am always afraid Ill make too many mistakes and get fired. I am trying to find another job but my conviction gets me turned down alot and the economy is bad. Alot of places say Im overqualified as well

 

I am shy. I am a virgin which is embarassing and alot of guys reject me over it once I tell them. I dont use the guys I date as a counselor or anything. I see them as an outlet away from my family but Im kind of clueless when it comes to dating.

My family is kind of negative and makes me feel worse, but I cannot afford to move out. I should be thankful at least I have a place to sleep and they feed me but I feel terrible about myself all the time. Theyve hinted heavily I need to move out the second I get a job so I dont think they enjoy having me there. I cannot afford to go to a counselor, I did go to one a few years ago. Honestly, the only thing going for me is I have been told Im good looking. That is really the only positive thing I can say about myself (other than maybe being smart at stuff related to speech therapy)

Edited January 29, 2013 by lanalann

[Bito]

Do not end your life. We all suffer and endure hardship but life can also be wonderful. Please Find a professional to talk to.

 

You will be in my thoughts.

[th90]

Please take this as a transition phase in your life. You may need to seek medical help for your depression though.

 

I really empathize with your situation. But I'm thankful that I have a family to keep me going.

 

You need to start by being positive about life. Life is really wonderful. First, block away your suicidal thoughts. When you start thinking about how to kill yourself, recognize it immediately, know that it's a wrong thought and get it out of your mind right away. Direct your thoughts into something else, for example, do you love animals? Think about anything that you love. Sometimes I go on youtube and spend hours watching animal videos because they are so amazing. They make me feel hopeful and their innocence is just the most beautiful thing on earth.

 

Be contented. This is very very essential. If you think nothing in your life is worth living, you're absolutely wrong. If you think life is really hard for you, then life is much harder for people who have less than you do. Try to be grateful for what you have and stop thinking about what you don't have.

 

Improve your relationship with your family. This is not going to be easy not only for you, but your family as well. I don't know why you think your family wants you out, but for a fact, they took you in when you had nowhere to go. Be thankful to them for that. Find time to talk and communicate with them. If they really want you to move out and you don't have the financial means, then let them know that you may need some time to do that. But for as long as you still live with them, always talk and be nice and respectful even if they don't treat you the same. Think of it this way, they don't owe you anything and still, they are giving you shelter. Because of this, you owe them a lot for their kindness in return. When you think from a positive aspect, things will change for the better.

 

In the meantime, improve your self-esteem and confidence. Be more proactive at work and show your boss you're one of a kind. Don't be afraid that you'll make mistakes, people make mistakes. The more you think you will, the more likely you will because you make yourself anxious and worried all the time. If you think "Ah, this is a piece of cake, I can definitely do it and do it well!" then you are more likely to produce a better outcome. Don't be overconfident though, you just need positive affirmations.

 

Also, don't worry about being a virgin. You were definitely dating the wrong guys if they dumped or rejected you because you are one. It's the most precious gift a person can give to his/her SO. You just haven't met the one.

 

Let go of your childhood trauma (molested by your stepdad). I know this sucks I've been a victim as well. But when you let go and make it a distant memory, you'll feel so much better and happier.

 

Read more self-improvement books and stay positive. You're still very young. I hope you believe in god. Praying a lot helps. Go and work out when you're free. Be mentally and physically healthy.

 

Lastly, be happy. Don't worry too much and forget about your unhappy past

[Double D]

I can relate Lanalann.

 

I went to see my GP to talk about my depression and got referred to a counsellor who is helping me through stuff but I am very miserable and life is very difficult but as th90 says, when you get those suicidal thoughts try and focus on what you find are the good things in life. Im sure something in life brings you some joy

 

Try and seek professional help and don't let your feeling fester inside you alone.

 

You sound like you have some talents that can be of use to the world, so try and find that support as no person is an island and you can pull through this phrase of your life.

 

Your not alone in feeling miserable, hopefully that will bring you a little comfort.

 

Wish you well.