lonelystar80 Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 We have been together for nearly three years (though it hasn't been easy) and I just proposed to her on Christmas. We met at work and still work together. It is a very dysfunctional place to work with a lot of dysfunctional people. It's full of gossip and back stabbing. That has both made our relationship difficult at times, but has also made us each others rock and shoulder to lean on while dealing with work. We have both worked there 8 years. Our workplace employs around 150 people. Before our relationship I knew she had dated another man that works there for around 6 months. Shortly after getting together I began to hear of other relationships she had with other guys who also work there. Suddenly the number of relationships/guys she has had sex with was up to 4 besides me and she was rumored to have had relations with 4 others though she denies them. A couple of the guys she has had sex with are married men. Right after our engagement it came out that she had a sexual relationship with one of our supervisors who is a married man (who's wife also works with us) before we met. I had NO idea because this supervisor has always tried to be my friend but in a shady way as all he always wanted to talk to me about was women, etc. as if to try and get me to cheat on my fiance or get dirt on me. I feel like a fool and he was mocking me in a way and she kept his and her "secret" from me purposely. It's bad enough that so many other men have been with my fiance but now it includes this guy I now despise and have to work for every day. I love her but I am beginning to think it's gotten to be too much to handle. I try not to be judgmental about her past but I see serious problems with having relations with married men and it doesn't help that I know all these guys she has been with. She says she has made "mistakes" and that if I want to stay with her I can't bring them up or "throw them in her face". I'm starting to have serious trust issues and can't stop thinking of this latest revelation. When I did first find out I was extremely upset about it but I have a lot of time and energy into this relationship and of course strong feelings. When I did first tell her my doubts that I can stay with her any longer she gave me a guilt trip saying things like "You're going to leave me all alone because of my f'd up past..." and that made me feel bad about everything. Otherwise we have a good relationship and I trust that she doesn't cheat. All of her "relationships" were over a 6 year period at work before she met me. Any advice?
Treasa Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I'm usually one to say that one's sexual past is in their past, but I can definitely understand why this would upset you. If she's never been anything but loyal to you since, and you do think she has changed, then it comes down to whether or not you can get past this. Because she's right - if you choose to stay with her, you shouldn't bring this up or throw it in her face. If you can't do that, consider couples counseling. It's really a good idea for any couple planning on getting married. 1
FitChick Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 (edited) Yet another example of why you shouldn't date co-workers. One or both of you should look for another job. It also makes me wonder, if she had sex with married men, would she be more likely to cheat if she was married. Edited January 29, 2013 by FitChick
Mtlgrrl Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Well can you let it go? Are you going to be okay in the long run working there knowing what you know? You should think long & hard before getting married.
ASG Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 Yet another example of why you shouldn't date co-workers. One or both of you should look for another job. It also makes me wonder, if she had sex with married men, would she be more likely to cheat if she was married. This makes no sense whatsoever. I've slept with married men and I have no intention of ever cheating on anyone, ever. The way I see it, it's the men that have a relationship and a commitment. I'm single. If THEY want to cheat, it's on them, not me. I don't know and don't care. As for the OP... Well... it all happened BEFORE you even met! Let it go and try not to think about it. She's right. You cannot throw it in her face, because she has never cheated on you and whatever happened is in the past. You either accept it and move on or you don't and you need to move on from her.
CptSaveAho Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 This makes no sense whatsoever. I've slept with married men and I have no intention of ever cheating on anyone, ever. The way I see it, it's the men that have a relationship and a commitment. I'm single. If THEY want to cheat, it's on them, not me. I don't know and don't care. LOL........ women! No moral compass while single, what makes you think you will have a moral compass when you are in a relationship.... I think Jack Nicholson said it best... "Take away accountability and reason" If you have to create a post about it, the relationship is over 3
Woggle Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 I don't really care about a sexual past but sleeping with a married man is a red flag. Even when I tried being a player there was no way I would have slept with a married woman. Yeah the spouse has the most responsibility but I have to worry about somebody who would be a part of that situation.
ChessPieceFace Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 LOL........ women! No moral compass while single, Try no moral compass at all. "I slept with married men but I would be soooo loyal to my husband" oh god the hypocrisy. If you don't respect other people's marriages you're most likely not going to respect your own. Of course they don't believe that because they want to believe they're a "good person." Everyone wants to believe that, doesn't mean that's what they are. She says she has made "mistakes" and that if I want to stay with her I can't bring them up or "throw them in her face". Yeah OP, that's yet another red flag. She doesn't want to be judged, she doesn't want to feel or take responsibility for her actions. Horrible. I can't tell you what to do. All I can say is that _I_ would run screaming from this woman. But take that in the proper context because I would probably find fatal flaws in most women.
Author lonelystar80 Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 I agree. I think her way of not facing the music of what she has done in the past is by telling me to never bring it up or else. That's a cop out IMO and I'm having a tough time coping with the fact she let this supervisor she had an affair with pretend to be a buddy with me when he would see me at work. Maybe she was afraid to tell me for fear I would freak (which I almost did) or she didn't tell me because she is ashamed. Maybe neither and she just doesn't care. It's just a pain that after 3 years she still has skeletons creeping out of her closet. I love her and don't dwell on sexual pasts as we all have them but I'm afraid I have taken my turn on the company bicycle without even knowing....
sabre80 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 This makes no sense whatsoever. I've slept with married men and I have no intention of ever cheating on anyone, ever. The way I see it, it's the men that have a relationship and a commitment. I'm single. If THEY want to cheat, it's on them, not me. I don't know and don't care. As for the OP... Well... it all happened BEFORE you even met! Let it go and try not to think about it. She's right. You cannot throw it in her face, because she has never cheated on you and whatever happened is in the past. You either accept it and move on or you don't and you need to move on from her. This is probably the most revolting post I have read on this forum yet. 1
Author lonelystar80 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 (edited) I've decided that enough is enough and it's best for us both if I walked away. I think I will also begin my search for a new job. I MAY be eble to forgive her but I could never forget her past, as seeing this guy (as well as the others) that she has been with feels almost demeaning to me. I truly hate to give up on her because I know I will just be another man she will look back on as hurting her or breaking her heart but I feel my hands are tied. I no longer feel that I am special to her. Btw, the post about sleeping with married men was revolting and shameful...thanks to all others who posted. Edited January 31, 2013 by lonelystar80 1
Author lonelystar80 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 (edited) Everything else in our relationship is for the most part fine. Nothing out of the ordinary and we seldom argue. I take pride in spoiling her in every way I can but I feel as though her history makes our relationship and me less special and significant. I feel like in the future if she were to flake out on me or cross me I would only have myself to blame. Even if I had an explanation from her on why she made those "mistakes" I could maybe find some closure but she has said that I am to never bring it up. Edited January 31, 2013 by lonelystar80
Recommended Posts