Who Am I?

[Hopeful79]

I was so independent and optimistic 2 1/2 years ago when I moved to Pittsburgh after getting my Masters Degree. Prior to this I had lived in Egypt 7 yrs...for 2 of those yrs. I was in a relationship with a man I met during my instructor development course in Dahab (to be a certified SCUBA instructor). An Egyptian Muslim who I loved. We had a rocky relationship -- and after a year I moved back to the States and continued instructing in Florida only to move back to him 8 mos. later - 4 mos. later it truly ended and moved back to Pennsylvania and enrolled in Grad School...

 

Jump ahead 1 1/2 yrs. and I find myself in Pittsburgh - over this other man, ready to face the world...when I met my current ex. It was a wonderful first year...and then **** hit the fan so to speak. I already posted the entire story...if you are interested.

 

Right now though I just have to post my feelings - because I lost myself with this ex...who is a successful physician. He bought me everything, paid for everything...financially I was so taken care of. But I hated my office job, I missed diving - and he wouldn't even listen to past stories...he shared no interest in my life before him. He has very little empathy and lives in his world.

 

He is leaving soon for Seattle to go into private practice. That's all fine and dandy...I am going to go back into diving and hopefully moving to the Keys.

 

It's been over 2 mos. since we broke up. But the last 2 days have just been really hard. I started NC (although he is a FB friend and we are both part of this private FB group which I won't leave b/c have gotten close with the people on there...which makes it difficult)...but yes...I started NC only a week ago (after we got together for a day and night - and it was passionate, and like we had never broken up - better then it had been for over a year in our relationship...we were meant to meet up this Sat. again - and I knew at some point I'd have to break NC to email him and cancel.

 

He emailed asking if I wanted to go to this fancy restaurant and that he needed to make a reservation and requested I bring my dog since he misses her. We did adopt another dog together which he wants to keep.

 

I wrote back I reconsidered and it's not a good idea to see him. He wrote back "will I ever see you again".

 

I wrote - I hope so. I love you

 

And he responded with an actual email...how great I am, his priority is to move on, never forget what a wonderful human being I am.

 

I'm sorry, I know I already wrote a lot of this in another post...

 

But I am feeling so rough today...I just miss him terribly. I know he has emotionally moved on. I know he is looking forward to other woman. He is able to watch all his porn again - and seems he's already ready to meet someone new.

 

I actually met a guy on Plenty of FIsh who is living now where I'll be heading in the Keys...I haven't mentioned any of this to him...and we are going to go on a date when I get there. I don't plan to jump into another relationship too fast, but I hear from everyone dating and flirting is OK, and good for the healing.

 

AAAAAHHHHH, I just hate this pain. Sometimes I feel OK and then it's like, BAM...I want this man, I want this man back in my life who I wasn't even happy with. I want to make it work and maybe I could be happy with him. I know he has moved on, I know this will never happen, why do I still dream about it? Still think about it? When will this stop hurting so bad????

[Hopeful79]

He still says he loves me, that he will always love me and always "want" me (physically). He was always extremely attracted to me. It's like, OK...great, that means even a year from now if I am over him and want to be friends it would be unfair to see him, especially if we are both with someone new. I know my ex...he would still crave and want me sexually - how would that be fair to a new man in my life or woman in his? Yet he hopes one day to see me again ... I can't imagine never seeing him again, ever...but I feel it may have to be that way.