Those of you having dating issues....

[William]

Moderation stopping by to remind members to remain focused on the topic of men having dating issues and the relevance of interacting with women in general on that dynamic. Thanks.

[chex]

The way I feel about guys without any dating success on here is that most of them are just really unlucky. They often have anxiety issues around women, and none of the girls they know have been interested enough to actually make a move. To be honest, I would have no dating success if no one had the balls to actually start making out with me, I would probably be in a nice guy TM rut. The one complication was that she was cheating on someone else, and that's how I ended up here.

 

Most of the people with bad dating skills associate confidence with ego, and rightfully so since they often go together. However, it's possible to separate the two, in my personal opinion. And I think that's how to be a dating success without being a narcissistic ass.

[somedude81]

Have you ever had a female friend that you were NOT infatuated with? Where you wanted nothing more than to just be friends with her?

Any female friends that I did not become infatuated with? One. Still would have slept with her if the opportunity ever arose.

 

BTW, I'm not talking about girls that I haven't spent time with one-on-one.

 

BTW...I saw your pic.

 

I think the girl in that pic is cute and to be honest, if I saw you walking down the street together, I would think you were a couple.

Pretty much everybody I have shown that picture has said the same thing, we look like a couple/would make a good couple. Everyone but her. Hell, her friends even wanted us to get together. She had her own issues that caused her to be closed off to relationships. Just wasn't something I was able to overcome.

 

Dude...I have to be honest. I really was expecting someone MUCH less attractive.

 

In fact, I'd be willing to bet that most, if not all, the guys here aren't NEARLY as bad looking as they think they are.

 

Which is why I keep coming back to the SAME POINT. Your problem is NOT looks. There's something else.

I've always known that I'm not ugly. Aside from my height, which needs to be seen in person to understand how short I am, my looks are pretty much neutral. If average is a 5, I'm probably a 4.5

 

 

*I* think it's a perception of women...how you "view" them. This, in turn, causes you to emit a certain "vibe" that is off putting to women. Look, I know the definition of "vibe" is very vague...some people think it doesn't even exist. Others think good looks = vibe. But it's there. You can't see it...and most people can't sense their own vibe. But that "feeling" you get when you stand next to someone and engage in idle chat...that person is feeling something in return and it's YOUR vibe.

I really don't think it's my vibe at all.

 

I simply don't know how to flirt, and turn girls on. It's that simple, I don't activate the part of a girls mind that lets her see me as more than a friend. It's very rare that girls initiate things with me or turn conversations sexual, so it's all on me to get things started, and I just don't have a clue how to.

It took a LONG time. You might even say I still have some "issues" but who doesn't, right?

 

Growing up the way I did, I craved attachment from women because I never got it from my mom. I hate to say it, but I wasn't even attracted to my first gf when I asked her out. I asked her out because I was an 18 year old, out of high school, and I never had even kissed a girl and I just wanted someone ANYONE. So I asked out a girl that I knew liked me...not someone that *I* liked.

 

We eventually broke up...well...to be honest, I cheated on her. Twice. This was after 4 years...the latter 2 being absolutely horrible.

From what is sounds like, your childhood was worse than mine and you still manged to get a GF at 18 and it seems like you had sex with a couple of other girls within the next few years while you were in a relationship.

 

So why you and why not me?

 

You were probably more screwed up then I was, so you should have turned women off with your "vibes" but that wasn't the case at all.

 

Why am I now 31 years old still trying to get my first fu*king girlfriend?!

[KungFuJoe]

Why me and not you?

 

I dunno...luck?

 

Here's a pic of me when I was 21/22, but I didn't look much different from when I was in high school, except I was forced to have a flat top haircut, which was what all the varsity basketball players were required to have.

 

http://img688.imageshack.us/img688/9784/ed1p.jpg

 

Take a good long look at those ears and those big lips. Now imagine them with a flat top hair cut. Not gonna lie...I got teased. A LOT. KILLED my self esteem and confidence. Well...I guess you can't kill what was never there to begin with.

 

Like I mentioned, my first gf was someone I wasn't even attracted to. But I knew she liked me and I just went for it. We were actually pretty good together for 2 years, but then we just starting falling apart pretty badly after that. You'll know why a bit later in this post.

 

I always say that I was lucky that I had some qualities that seemed to be on my side. I've always had a lot of pride and I was STUBBORN AS A ****ING MULE. Even though I lacked confidence with women, I always believed in myself...if you know what I mean. When I was in elementary school, I always got picked last for sports. In jr high, I didn't even make the basketball team. In high school, I didn't make the baseball team. But I never gave up. By the time I was a junior in high school, I had made varsity basketball after breaking the school JV scoring record...and eventually got a walk on offer from Long Beach St, an NCAA Div I school...but I dropped out before completing a single semester.

 

I just didn't let my "failures" get me down...I used it to give me a reason to succeed. I know you might think it was easier for me because I had a gf and therefore, some external validation, but remember...I wasn't even that attracted to her when I first started seeing her so I didn't feel like it "proved" anything. PLUS, she ended up cheating on (making out) with a boss of mine, who was the douchiest, corniest guy I had known. He was the kind of guy that would brag about how well he could sing at a karaoke bar, then go up and absolutely embarrass himself...and STILL would think he nailed it. Like to drive real fast and show off what money he had, etc. He hit on my gf relentlessly, and me not being a jealous person, and not feeling the slightest bit threatened (she would always tell me how dorky she thought he was) only to come home one night only to find the door locked, lights off...I get inside and you hear people running and a loose belt buckle clanging in the darkness and there the two of them are. I don't know how I didn't kill him right there and then. I just told him to get out before I hurt him...he didn't say a word. Of course my gf tried to deny anything happened...that she was asleep and didn't know what he was doing...and I sorta believed her at the time. But I know better now.

 

So...yeah...that gf...no...did not help my self confidence ONE bit. Because if she could cheat on me with a guy she thought was a complete loser...what did that make me?

Edited January 29, 2013 by KungFuJoe

[somedude81]

Why me and not you?

 

I dunno...luck?

 

Here's a pic of me when I was 21/22, but I didn't look much different from when I was in high school, except I was forced to have a flat top haircut, which was what all the varsity basketball players were required to have.

 

http://img688.imageshack.us/img688/9784/ed1p.jpg

 

Take a good long look at those ears and those big lips. Now imagine them with a flat top hair cut. Not gonna lie...I got teased. A LOT. KILLED my self esteem and confidence. Well...I guess you can't kill what was never there to begin with.

You look like a normal Asian dude but bigger. Racial mix?

 

I got teased a lot too. By both guys and girls. In the end most people just ended up ignoring me.

Like I mentioned, my first gf was someone I wasn't even attracted to. But I knew she liked me and I just went for it. We were actually pretty good together for 2 years, but then we just starting falling apart pretty badly after that. You'll know why a bit later in this post.

So you weren't attracted to your first GF. Was there anything wrong with her? Did she actually turn you off? Was she a lights off girl?

 

I always say that I was lucky that I had some qualities that seemed to be on my side. I've always had a lot of pride and I was STUBBORN AS A ****ING MULE. Even though I lacked confidence with women, I always believed in myself...if you know what I mean. When I was in elementary school, I always got picked last for sports. In jr high, I didn't even make the basketball team. In high school, I didn't make the baseball team. But I never gave up. By the time I was a junior in high school, I had made varsity basketball after breaking the school JV scoring record...and eventually got a walk on offer from Long Beach St, an NCAA Div I school...but I dropped out before completing a single semester.

Seems you really like the basketball.

 

What do you think attracted that girl to you?

 

I just didn't let my "failures" get me down...I used it to give me a reason to succeed. I know you might think it was easier for me because I had a gf and therefore, some external validation, but remember...I wasn't even that attracted to her when I first started seeing her so I didn't feel like it "proved" anything. PLUS, she ended up cheating on (making out) with a boss of mine, who was the douchiest, corniest guy I had known. He was the kind of guy that would brag about how well he could sing at a karaoke bar, then go up and absolutely embarrass himself...and STILL would think he nailed it. Like to drive real fast and show off what money he had, etc. He hit on my gf relentlessly, and me not being a jealous person, and not feeling the slightest bit threatened (she would always tell me how dorky she thought he was) only to come home one night only to find the door locked, lights off...I get inside and you hear people running and a loose belt buckle clanging in the darkness and there the two of them are. I don't know how I didn't kill him right there and then. I just told him to get out before I hurt him...he didn't say a word. Of course my gf tried to deny anything happened...that she was asleep and didn't know what he was doing...and I sorta believed her at the time. But I know better now.

Girls have a thing for guys in power.

 

If the job didn't seem like ****, I'd be a retail manager just to be more attractive to the girls underneath me. It would be so awesome to get fired for sleeping with half the female staff.

So...yeah...that gf...no...did not help my self confidence ONE bit. Because if she could cheat on me with a guy she thought was a complete loser...what did that make me?

Though while you were with her, how was your confidence. You said it was two good years right?

 

Getting back to this.

Why me and not you?

 

I dunno...luck?

Yes, luck.

 

Things that happen to us that we can't control.

 

Aside from my luck, there is no reason why a girl in High School couldn't have gotten a crush on me. As long as she didn't repulse me I would have dated her.

 

I know it's wrong to think of the past and the things that happened in our lives. But I really believe that if I had a GF in High School or Jr. college; right now I'd either be married (not to that girl) or in a casual relationship with a few girls.

 

When you're in a relationship, you start to understand how women work, what they need and expect and so on. So it becomes easier to get into the next relationship.

 

The first one is the hardest.

[harnold]

One girl I had a huge crush on, we did the bold for two years. It ended with her a little over a year ago and I have avoided having female friends since then.

 

Before that it was another girl that I liked. That lasted about a year. There were several girls before that but I don't remember how long we were friends for.

 

I've been doing the hanging out with one girl as a close friend thing, since I was 22 years old.

 

What's really odd, is that for me it's always been just me and a girl, and never in a group. Nothing but the pretend relationship.

Would you guys have sex? Just curious

[KungFuJoe]

I'm half asian/white.

 

I wasn't that attracted to her physically. I guess you could say she was "cute", but physically...she was almost the polar opposite of what I liked. Put it this way. She NEVER wore make up...EVER. Didn't own a dress. Didn't own a single pair of heels. She was a very typical looking Chinese girl. She did have a very athletic body (she was a college level swimmer who actually tried out for the Olympics back in her home country of Hong Kong) and she was a very nice and sweet girl. I did grow to be physically attracted to her and yes, I do believe you can "grow" to find your partner attractive.

 

What attracted her to me? She was physically attracted to me...being half white/asian definitely helped as it's sort of a "status" thing for fresh off the boat asians. They love the white guys...but us half white/asians are even better cuz we're like stepping stones, so to speak. Funny...I'm still friends with her and she's currently married to a white guy. The guy she was with after me was also white. Anyways...I digress. She liked me because she knew I was inexperienced, because of physical looks, and because I was a nice guy. I was basically "innocent" in her eyes.

 

Two good years with her...yes. I was happy, but I think I was more happy with just being in a relationship than actually being with HER, if that makes any sense. My confidence was not boosted ONE BIT when I was with her for those two years. You gotta remember...I didn't consider her a "prize". I know this sounds very mean, but I was pretty clueless back then. Also, she had me on LOCK DOWN. I couldn't do **** without her "letting me". I had no female friends...NONE. I wasn't going to school and I worked in IT for a bunch of chinese companies where I was the only english speaking guy. So, it's not like I was meeting a bunch of girls left and right.

 

I can't argue with you when you say experience helps. It does. It shapes us into who we are. I'm GLAD for the experiences I had...the good and the bad. It helped me know what I really wanted and what I really wanted to avoid.

 

But when I broke up with my gf...going to that "next" relationship was a million times harder than my first. I explained most of that in my last post. So no, I don't think it makes it any easier. What makes it easier is your mind frame.

 

I got to a point where I was finally happy with myself...happy being ME. Happy being alone but at the same time, not even worried that I was alone. And then luck started to fall my way for a change.

[Necris]

How many close friends do you have of the opposite sex?

 

I don't mean casual friends...or that you hang in the same circles. I'm talking you're a guy and you have a female friend that you go out, just the two of you, and do things that friends do.

 

You might even LIKE this person for more than a friend, but you are perfectly content with just being nothing more than friends, as long as you he/she remains in your life.

 

What I'm getting at is sometimes I wonder if those of you having issues with the opposite sex...if a big part of it is that you just don't see them as "people" but instead...as a means to an end...with that end being "in a relationship".

 

None. All my close friends are male.

 

Then again I only have a small handful of close friends.

 

Now I do have casual friends who are female.

 

I also don't have the friend zone problem most of the time when I'm rejected by a girl she fades away from my life.

[KungFuJoe]

None. All my close friends are male.

 

Then again I only have a small handful of close friends.

 

Now I do have casual friends who are female.

 

I also don't have the friend zone problem most of the time when I'm rejected by a girl she fades away from my life.

 

Why don't you have any female friends?

 

Or let me ask it this way. Have you ever met a girl that you just wanted to be friends with, and nothing more?

[somedude81]

Would you guys have sex? Just curious

No. As I said in a previous post, I never even got as much as a kiss on the cheek from any of them

 

I must have been in that situation with at least seven girls over the years, I'm a little fuzzy with the numbers right now. Never anything more intimate than a hug. One of those girls didn't even want to hug me once she knew I liked her.

 

Damn, thinking about this makes me sad.

 

@KFJ, I'll get to your post tomorrow.

[Necris]

Why don't you have any female friends?

 

Or let me ask it this way. Have you ever met a girl that you just wanted to be friends with, and nothing more?

 

As for why I have no close female friends one issue is that I don't really many close friends to begin with. Part of the reason for that is because there are few people who I can really connect with and relate to and most people really aren't all that friendly and all that trustworthy in my experience. I also don't really hang out with women that often at all.

 

Also yes I do know girls that I would be satisfied with just being friends. Right now there is a girl in my social circle I'm casual friends with who seems to be really nice though I'm not physically attracted to her one day we might become close friends but I don't know.

[Anela]

I'm half asian/white.

 

I wasn't that attracted to her physically. I guess you could say she was "cute", but physically...she was almost the polar opposite of what I liked. Put it this way. She NEVER wore make up...EVER. Didn't own a dress. Didn't own a single pair of heels. She was a very typical looking Chinese girl. She did have a very athletic body (she was a college level swimmer who actually tried out for the Olympics back in her home country of Hong Kong) and she was a very nice and sweet girl. I did grow to be physically attracted to her and yes, I do believe you can "grow" to find your partner attractive.

 

What attracted her to me? She was physically attracted to me...being half white/asian definitely helped as it's sort of a "status" thing for fresh off the boat asians. They love the white guys...but us half white/asians are even better cuz we're like stepping stones, so to speak. Funny...I'm still friends with her and she's currently married to a white guy. The guy she was with after me was also white. Anyways...I digress. She liked me because she knew I was inexperienced, because of physical looks, and because I was a nice guy. I was basically "innocent" in her eyes.

 

Two good years with her...yes. I was happy, but I think I was more happy with just being in a relationship than actually being with HER, if that makes any sense. My confidence was not boosted ONE BIT when I was with her for those two years. You gotta remember...I didn't consider her a "prize". I know this sounds very mean, but I was pretty clueless back then. Also, she had me on LOCK DOWN. I couldn't do **** without her "letting me". I had no female friends...NONE. I wasn't going to school and I worked in IT for a bunch of chinese companies where I was the only english speaking guy. So, it's not like I was meeting a bunch of girls left and right.

 

I can't argue with you when you say experience helps. It does. It shapes us into who we are. I'm GLAD for the experiences I had...the good and the bad. It helped me know what I really wanted and what I really wanted to avoid.

 

But when I broke up with my gf...going to that "next" relationship was a million times harder than my first. I explained most of that in my last post. So no, I don't think it makes it any easier. What makes it easier is your mind frame.

 

I got to a point where I was finally happy with myself...happy being ME. Happy being alone but at the same time, not even worried that I was alone. And then luck started to fall my way for a change.

 

You and I would never have dated - I owned heels, but have trouble walking in them, which is a shame. I have a friend who detests walking in flat shoes.

 

I was happy alone for years. I miss that.

[KungFuJoe]

You and I would never have dated - I owned heels, but have trouble walking in them, which is a shame. I have a friend who detests walking in flat shoes.

 

I was happy alone for years. I miss that.

 

I didn't mean to come off as shallow in what I said. I was in love with the girl for 4...actually...more than 4 years. She just wasn't what I typically would go for in a woman physically.