KungFuJoe Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 How many close friends do you have of the opposite sex? I don't mean casual friends...or that you hang in the same circles. I'm talking you're a guy and you have a female friend that you go out, just the two of you, and do things that friends do. You might even LIKE this person for more than a friend, but you are perfectly content with just being nothing more than friends, as long as you he/she remains in your life. What I'm getting at is sometimes I wonder if those of you having issues with the opposite sex...if a big part of it is that you just don't see them as "people" but instead...as a means to an end...with that end being "in a relationship".
GoodOnPaper Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I don't mean casual friends...or that you hang in the same circles. I'm talking you're a guy and you have a female friend that you go out, just the two of you, and do things that friends do. I was never able to pull that off -- I would always develop deeper feelings.
JuneJulySeptember Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 How many close friends do you have of the opposite sex? I don't mean casual friends...or that you hang in the same circles. I'm talking you're a guy and you have a female friend that you go out, just the two of you, and do things that friends do. You might even LIKE this person for more than a friend, but you are perfectly content with just being nothing more than friends, as long as you he/she remains in your life. What I'm getting at is sometimes I wonder if those of you having issues with the opposite sex...if a big part of it is that you just don't see them as "people" but instead...as a means to an end...with that end being "in a relationship". A bunch. Four of my best six friends I'd say are female. -One is an ex -One is my bud's wife -One is a woman who is engaged. -One is a woman I was romantically interested in many years ago who rejected me. We were friends before, stayed friends after and she is married now. I think female friends are actually more reliable than male friends and a lot of times more interesting to talk to. I'm fine talking to women, but they just for the most part don't find me attractive.
MrCastle Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Back when I was unsuccessful, my stance was always "no female friends". I became successful without them. And the stance of "no female friends" is one I keep to this day. 2
Green Light Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 How many close friends do you have of the opposite sex? I don't mean casual friends...or that you hang in the same circles. I'm talking you're a guy and you have a female friend that you go out, just the two of you, and do things that friends do. You might even LIKE this person for more than a friend, but you are perfectly content with just being nothing more than friends, as long as you he/she remains in your life. What I'm getting at is sometimes I wonder if those of you having issues with the opposite sex...if a big part of it is that you just don't see them as "people" but instead...as a means to an end...with that end being "in a relationship". You make a good point. I think that many are more interested in having a relationship more than someone to share their lives. Many people who are not currently in a relationship see others IN relationships and they feel left out. So they are looking for another person to "solve" that problem.
veggirl Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I have never had any problems dating...and I do not and have never kept close male friends. I don't think there is a correlation. I have had plenty of male acquaintences, esp during college and whatnot, but no close male friends. Was never an issue. 1
Anela Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I don't have any close male friends, but I have a few men who are friends. One hit on me when he was in a relationship, and annoyed me, so I've kept my distance since, but not completely.
JuneJulySeptember Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Back when I was unsuccessful, my stance was always "no female friends". I became successful without them. And the stance of "no female friends" is one I keep to this day. Interestingly enough, my prior philosophy was friends first which might explain my abundance of female friends. With the way I operate now, no way I'll get past a month without making a move, so it looks like I've fallen into the Mr. Castle school of game. It's by far the winning method when it comes to romance and avoiding bitterness. 1
fortyninethousand322 Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 How many close friends do you have of the opposite sex? I don't mean casual friends...or that you hang in the same circles. I'm talking you're a guy and you have a female friend that you go out, just the two of you, and do things that friends do. I know two such people. One is a former coworker and the other is a woman I went to school with since I was 11 and kind of grew up with. We don't hang out that often though because they're both very busy people (one owns her own business and is constantly traveling somewhere). You might even LIKE this person for more than a friend, but you are perfectly content with just being nothing more than friends, as long as you he/she remains in your life. In my case, no. Almost every time I get interested I make a move rather than sit around forever. The only exception to this is a girl I met in college. She knew I was interested and constantly strung me along under the guise of her being Muslim and unable to date me properly. She still did couple stuff with me (around campus) but would never let me kiss her or do anything physically intimate (like hold hands or hug). And every time I said I had enough she came running back trying to smooth things over. And of course I'd eat it up like an idiot. Accepting what she'd give me because I cared about her too much. Sad thing about that, I'd take her back in a heartbeat even now. What I'm getting at is sometimes I wonder if those of you having issues with the opposite sex...if a big part of it is that you just don't see them as "people" but instead...as a means to an end...with that end being "in a relationship". Eh, I don't know. It's been almost a year since the last time I've hung out with a girl and 2 years since my last date. Most of the time I'm pretty inhibited around women so I barely interact at all.
carhill Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Those of you having dating issues.... How many close friends do you have of the opposite sex? I don't mean casual friends...or that you hang in the same circles. I'm talking you're a guy and you have a female friend that you go out, just the two of you, and do things that friends do. Water long under the bridge but, during much of my 'dateless' decade more than a generation ago, I had a great female friend with whom I shared some really memorable times in life. She would often help my mom, since she lived in town, and I'd sometimes would work at her parent's restaurant for free to help out. We traveled together, exercised together and made some good life memories. Her boyfriend and I would often do car stuff together, since we both enjoyed vintage and race cars. Our contact lessened after I had more positive dating experiences and generally ended when we both got married at around 40. The dynamic was typical of other female friends of that era, generally early 20's to mid 30's. These were women I was not sexually attracted to but shared a synergy of interests and life philosophies with. The lesson of that era was that I had the skills to have healthy interpersonal relationships but largely lacked the skills or appearance to attract women sexually. Something had to change and it was the skills department which did, generally forcibly ending the 'get to know' before feeling attracted style which had failed so miserably in the past, not because it was 'bad' but because it allowed other men in the local marketplace who were more aggressive to dominate the interactions, along with that style being more aligned with what women were used to and responded to sexually. Glad that part of life is over.
TouchedByViolet Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I don't have any close female friends. I have one semi good female friend but we are not close.
Anela Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 (edited) The attention was too tantalizing. He could have destroyed my friendship with his then-girlfriend. I was pissed. Oh! I didn't want his attention. He was a friend, and he was in a bad way. He has a new girlfriend now, but I avoided him for most of the year. Edited January 28, 2013 by Anela
somedude81 Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 How many close friends do you have of the opposite sex? I don't mean casual friends...or that you hang in the same circles. I'm talking you're a guy and you have a female friend that you go out, just the two of you, and do things that friends do. You might even LIKE this person for more than a friend, but you are perfectly content with just being nothing more than friends, as long as you he/she remains in your life. What I'm getting at is sometimes I wonder if those of you having issues with the opposite sex...if a big part of it is that you just don't see them as "people" but instead...as a means to an end...with that end being "in a relationship". One girl I had a huge crush on, we did the bold for two years. It ended with her a little over a year ago and I have avoided having female friends since then. Before that it was another girl that I liked. That lasted about a year. There were several girls before that but I don't remember how long we were friends for. I've been doing the hanging out with one girl as a close friend thing, since I was 22 years old. What's really odd, is that for me it's always been just me and a girl, and never in a group. Nothing but the pretend relationship.
Author KungFuJoe Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 A bunch. Four of my best six friends I'd say are female. -One is an ex -One is my bud's wife -One is a woman who is engaged. -One is a woman I was romantically interested in many years ago who rejected me. We were friends before, stayed friends after and she is married now. I think female friends are actually more reliable than male friends and a lot of times more interesting to talk to. I'm fine talking to women, but they just for the most part don't find me attractive. Honestly, I did not expect this answer from you. Obviously, I think you know what I'm getting at. But if you are able to maintain friendships with women that means you see them as "people" and not just a way to get what you want, so to speak. But, to be honest, other than a few choice things you have stated, I don't find your attitude to be as "self destructive" as some of the others around here. But your last sentence shows a problem you have, which I'm sure you know. Lack of self esteem mixed in with some self loathing. I know you think you're just being honest, but when someone offers MORE information than is asked for and that information is something negative about themselves, then it's a sign that the person has some self loathing. 1
Author KungFuJoe Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 Back when I was unsuccessful, my stance was always "no female friends". I became successful without them. And the stance of "no female friends" is one I keep to this day. How long have you been having dating issues?
Treasa Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Actually, I'm approaching this from another angle. I've always had guy friends. Only in recent years have I really expanded my female friendships, and I'm so much happier. I wonder if some of these guys don't get on well with other guys. 1
Author KungFuJoe Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 One girl I had a huge crush on, we did the bold for two years. It ended with her a little over a year ago and I have avoided having female friends since then. Before that it was another girl that I liked. That lasted about a year. There were several girls before that but I don't remember how long we were friends for. I've been doing the hanging out with one girl as a close friend thing, since I was 22 years old. What's really odd, is that for me it's always been just me and a girl, and never in a group. Nothing but the pretend relationship. These female friends...did you LIKE all of them romantically? Or were you ok with just being friends with some of them?
pbjbear Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I have about 4 guy friends I spend one on one time with...I have prob 5 or 6 others I hang out with in small groups and would hang out with 1 on 1 if they asked or if I had time. I do have alot of opposite sex friends...more males than females Only 1 I have liked romantically and he didnt feel the same. Im fine with the rejection and just being friends with them...the rest would not be compatible with me dating wise (sleep around too much, seem too selfish with girls they date, are players...these all happen to be my friends that are hilarious too by the way so they are fun to be around) or have girlfriends
Author KungFuJoe Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 Actually, I'm approaching this from another angle. I've always had guy friends. Only in recent years have I really expanded my female friendships, and I'm so much happier. I wonder if some of these guys don't get on well with other guys. Good question.
MrCastle Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 How long have you been having dating issues? Late teens mainly, with some spillage into age 20 or so.
Author KungFuJoe Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 Late teens mainly, with some spillage into age 20 or so. I was being sarcastic. Get the EFF off my thread! Come back when you can't get a date. 1
fortyninethousand322 Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I wonder if some of these guys don't get on well with other guys. Eh, I have friends. We hang out, watch football on TV, play basketball. Sometimes see movies is any good ones are in theaters.
MrCastle Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I was being sarcastic. Get the EFF off my thread! Come back when you can't get a date. No. I disagree with the overall premise of this thread. I believe being friends with the opposite sex helps you relate to them in a friendly way. It doesn't help you romantically. Some of the posts in here agree with that belief. I'm an example of someone who refused to be friends, and ironically, that did more for my dating success than most other things. 1
carhill Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I wonder if some of these guys don't get on well with other guys. IME, there may be some traction here, not necessarily due to 'getting along', but rather with and describing the quality and depth of those relationships as being unsatisfactory. IOW, during that era I described prior, I found men to be intractably shallow and self-involved; they were fine for 'hobby' relationships and I got on great with fellow workers, racers, etc, etc, but for deeper friendships it was very unsatisfying. That started to change when the men of my generation in my demographic started in with their MLC's and mortality realizations and became more 'open' and 'transparent' with their feelings and less competitive with their male friends, generally post-35 or so. Prior, vulnerability was viewed as weakness and roundly trounced upon, whether purposely or in jest. Either way, it was an incompatible dynamic for myself. Hence, the last 20 years or so have seen increasingly intimate and healthy male friendships. I expect this to be generation and demographic-dependent, and travels to other countries and cultures have proven that out.
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