Raquel10 Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 (edited) I met a guy 4 months ago, we were together just one week before he had to go away on business for 3 months. We hit it off really well from the start, he told me he thought I was beautiful from the moment he laid eyes on me, that he could talk to me for hours and that he fell for me in the first couple of days - I was the first person he liked in that way since his last relationship ended a year earlier. His last relationship ended REALLY bad for him (4 yrs together, engaged, house etc. and she dumped him) but he had been single for over a year and said he had been waiting all that time to find someone like me. Then he left on his business trip (over 1,000 miles away) but contacted me all the time, he told me he wanted us to be exclusive and was interested to see where we would go (as a couple). During the three month business trip, we saw eachother approx. every two weeks and after a month he asked me to be his girlfriend. Him flying to see me, me flying to see him. He even came to stay with my family at Christmas and said he didn't think it was too soon to meet my family because he really likes me. We had a few really big arguments, caused by the distance maybe. I was worried I couldn't trust him because I've been cheated on a few times before. Stupid arguments really... and then he started getting distant. On New Year's eve he told me he didn't know what was happening between us anymore - that was just 6 days before he was due to move back to my city. I asked him to just give it a chance, with us both in the same city because we had always had a long distance relationship and he agreed. So, he came back and things seemed great at first. It's the first time he has really lived here, in a different country from his home country and he doesn't speak the language so I was helping him get his life set up and we spent most days together. But then he started getting distant again and we had a massive fight because I asked him why he had stopped saying nice things and giving me hugs/kisses. He told me he needed to be alone for a while and that he wasn't happy with me. I thought that maybe he just needs time to settle in because his life has changed so dramatically recently. I was devastated because things seemed so strong between us from the start. The problem is that we work together too and I would never have got involved if I didn't think it was going somewhere now I see him at work everyday and I think, how will I EVER get over this?!?! I was so happy with him and thought we had such a great connection - it was nice to finally meet someone that I felt that way about! Maybe I got too involved too quick... So then at work on Friday I saw him and we were chatting, normal stuff, and he asked me to go out for dinner with him. So, we went for dinner and then we went for drinks and we had the BEST night ever. He said "why are things so good between us now that we're not together anymore????" - I said that maybe because we never had the chance to just "date" each other because he was in another country. And also, the expectations aren't there when you're not in a relationship. So, we had the best night and ended up going back to my house. We were just laid in bed chatting and he said that he doesn't want us to be "f*** buddies" but he doesn't want a relationship either. He said he thought he was ready but now he's realised he's not. He just wants us to date and do what we did on Friday. He said some really nice things to me; that at the start of our relationship he felt things for me that he had never felt for anyone (not even his ex) and that I was his favourite person that he had met for years. What does that mean in guy language?? He told me that he "loves me to bits" but I don't know if he meant "in love" or not - he's never said he loves me before. I asked him "if you look in my eyes, tell me you don't feel what I feel" and he said he does. So I asked how he could throw that away but he didn't answer. After that, we pretty much spent the whole weekend together but didn't talk anymore about our relationship status again. He asked me several times, "why are things so perfect between us now that we're not a couple??" like he was surprised by how well the weekend went. At one point on Sunday he seemed to get frustrated and confused by this but wouldn't talk about it. Then on Sunday night he went away on business again for a week - he kissed me as he left and gave me a long lingering look like he was sad to go. He said "I'll see you next weekend" and then he text me last night to say "thanks for a great weekend, it was fun, very random and probably a bad idea but very good none the less". Today he was texting me again, just normal conversation... Is this guy just having his cake and eating it? Is he just still too hurt from his last relationship? What happened? Sorry this is long... Edited January 28, 2013 by Raquel10
Casablanca Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Have you two had sex yet? Are you two exclusive still (or again)? Also with him traveling a lot, that may make him scared to commit given he is gone a lot and wont get to see you. It is hard to start a relationship when two people can't see each other that much
clia Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 The fact that he is asking questions like "why are things so good between us now that we're not together anymore????" leads me to believe that it is the fighting that was getting to him. We had a few really big arguments, caused by the distance maybe. I was worried I couldn't trust him because I've been cheated on a few times before. Stupid arguments really... and then he started getting distant. On New Year's eve he told me he didn't know what was happening between us anymore - that was just 6 days before he was due to move back to my city. I asked him to just give it a chance, with us both in the same city because we had always had a long distance relationship and he agreed. So, he came back and things seemed great at first. It's the first time he has really lived here, in a different country from his home country and he doesn't speak the language so I was helping him get his life set up and we spent most days together. But then he started getting distant again and we had a massive fight because I asked him why he had stopped saying nice things and giving me hugs/kisses. He told me he needed to be alone for a while and that he wasn't happy with me. I thought that maybe he just needs time to settle in because his life has changed so dramatically recently. You've been with this guy four months -- long distance, no less -- and you are starting fights with him! Why? Honestly, you shouldn't even be having fights at four months in, much less fights about your trust issues. How does a "massive fight" emerge from you asking him why he was getting distant? Read John Gray! Let him go to his cave. I would consider it a huge red flag if a guy I was dating for that short amount of time started having trust issues and complaints about the relationship and was starting fights with me. The key data point here is that he got distant and pulled away from you after your fights. If you are already having "massive fights" at four months in, what lies ahead? He wouldn't be crazy if this didn't concern him. Some people thrive on the drama of fights in relationships. Other people absolutely hate fighting and will avoid it at all costs. He may be the latter type of guy. So, we had the best night and ended up going back to my house. We were just laid in bed chatting and he said that he doesn't want us to be "f*** buddies" but he doesn't want a relationship either. He said he thought he was ready but now he's realised he's not. He just wants us to date and do what we did on Friday. He said some really nice things to me; that at the start of our relationship he felt things for me that he had never felt for anyone (not even his ex) and that I was his favourite person that he had met for years. It sounds like he really liked you initially, but after getting to know you better (and having massive fights with you) he does not want a relationship with you. This may not mean he doesn't want to see you anymore, just that he does not want a relationshp because he saw the fighting in his future and wants no part of it. What does that mean in guy language?? He told me that he "loves me to bits" but I don't know if he meant "in love" or not - he's never said he loves me before. I asked him "if you look in my eyes, tell me you don't feel what I feel" and he said he does. So I asked how he could throw that away but he didn't answer. It means he does not want a relationship with you. Listen to him. I know you are crazy about him, but tread lightly here. He's been up front -- make sure you listen. As to how he could throw it away? It doesn't take much in the early days of a relationship to turn someone off. As much as he might like hanging out with you, I suspect your fighting is what did him in. I could be totally wrong here, but that's what struck me about your post. 1
curlygirl40 Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 and then he text me last night to say "thanks for a great weekend, it was fun, very random and probably a bad idea but very good none the less". Today he was texting me again, just normal conversation... QUOTE] This part of your post is what strikes me the most. 'Probably a bad idea' means he doesn't want to give you the wrong idea. He doesn't want a relationship. He could absolutely love you and care about you and want to keep seeing you and sleeping with you. But for some reason he's conflicted about his feelings or about what he wants out of it. He doesn't want a relationship for sure. I say cake eater. Maybe not maliciously, but he is definitely wanting to have his cake and eat it too. He made himself pretty clear. What is happening is that his actions and his words don't match up. That's what is keeping you confused. You have a lot of pieces of the puzzle, but when you put them together, it doesn't show a clear picture that makes any sense at all. I say let him go. Tell him 'sorry, it looks like we both want different things, if you change your mind about dating me exclusively then let me know' and move on. If you keep on the way you are, it will be a roller coaster of emotions for you. Best of luck
Author Raquel10 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 Thanks for your response! Yes, we have slept together.. we're not exlusive at the moment and he won't be travelling anymore after this trip so the distance wouldn't be stopping him from continuing our relationship.
Author Raquel10 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 Thanks for all the responses! I think there's truth in what all of you are saying, he doesn't want a relationship with me and it's probably because of the fights even though he clearly cares about me a lot he does seem to be one of those people who avoids conflict at all costs. To update you, he's still away on business, coming back tomorrow. I have used this week to clear my head and start feeling good about myself and my life again. I have not initiated contact with him at all but he has been sending messages to me every day and I have replied politely, nothing crazy, nothing blunt. I'm just going to move on now, obviously it will be hard because we work together so I will just be friendly when I see him and he can go and get his cake somewhere else!! Thanks again! 1
Author Raquel10 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 Thanks for the reply But no, I didn't accuse him of being unfaithful at all! I asked him to be patient with me regarding trust issues but he wanted me to have "blind faith"... I tried to explain that it's not easy for me to have "blind faith" and that I need to protect myself, trust comes with time etc. The fights weren't really about past behaviours of others, he just didn't like it when I worried about stupid stuff but that's the way I am sometimes like many others out there.
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